Distance

While Lenny decided to try her hand at making dinner, Robert joined me for a run with Jax. It seemed that the rest of my family had simply let him out into our fenced-in backyard lately; something that had been strictly forbidden when I’d been here. Dad had always worried that his precious lawn would be destroyed by pet spots. Apparently that didn’t matter now that they faced taking him for walks in the icy weather. At least the yard was big enough that Jax could play until he tired himself out, but I knew that he still preferred going for a run.

Robert kept pace with us better than I’d expected. I’d known that he was more than capable of going for long runs due to his level of physical fitness, but running in the Canadian winter was something else entirely. Every deep breath felt like splinters of ice were piercing the tender inside walls of our lungs. I had learned long ago to wrap a scarf around my mouth, but between sweat and the condensation from my breath, I often wondered if it was really worth it.

We reached the nearest off-leash dog park as the sun hit its peak in the sky. It felt like I’d been up forever. I unclipped the rope from Jax’s collar and produced a tennis ball from the pocket of my jacket. I threw it as hard as I could, and Jax took off after it. One good thing about the winter was that the fluorescent yellow of the ball was impossible to miss against the white backdrop. As we took turns tossing the ball to the dog, Robert and I walked around the area. It was nice to just be outside. There were only a couple of other people in the park, and they kept their distance. I could see from here how tiny their dogs were, and it only made sense that they would be wary of a huge husky like Jax.

“Maggie?”

I stopped, turning slowly on the spot. As soon as I reacted, a girl of about my age began sprinting across the snow. She was grinning from ear to ear, and I found myself smiling back.

“Shawna?” I greeted her with a hug as soon as she was near enough. “How are you?”

“I’m fine. How are you? I thought you were in Ireland. You weren’t just making that up so you had an excuse to quit, were you?”

Shawna was short. I’d always considered myself to be somewhat less-than-average when it came to my height, but even at only five-foot-four I felt tall beside her. Her dark hair was cut to a blunt edge at her chin, which made her round face look even wider. She was one of the sweetest girls I’d ever met, even though I’d only known her for a summer.

“Oh, please, if I was going to quit I would have done it long before I left the country,” I scoffed. “Actually, Mom and Dad got me a plane ticket home for Christmas. I’m going back on the twenty-ninth. It’s fantastic, and honestly I don’t know how I’ll ever come home after next semester. It’s breaking my heart to know that it’ll all be over soon.”

“Oh yeah? What kinds of exciting things have you done over there?”

I smiled as I thought back on the adventures I’d had with Robert. “Well, I spent a few days in London, and I went and saw where my grandfather was born. Other than that, I’ve just been sightseeing around Dublin when I get the time. I have three roommates, and they’re all just fantastic and helpful.”

Behind me, Robert threw the tennis ball for Jax once more before he came up behind me. Shawna extended a gloved hand toward him.

“I’m Shawna,” she introduced herself. “You must be Kellan, right? I heard all about you last summer.”

Robert looked mildly confused, but he smiled at her nonetheless. He accepted her hand while I cleared my throat awkwardly.

“Actually, no. I told you that Kellan was in Australia until sometime in January. But that was a long time ago, so I guess I can’t judge you for confusing the timeline. This is Robert. I met him at the end of September. Robert, Shawna and I worked together last summer while I saved for my trip. She’s insanely good with numbers. She worked in accounting while I answered phones.”

Shawna’s eyebrows shot up, disappearing under her long bangs. “Oh, I’m sorry. You’re from Ireland, then?”

Robert smiled a bit more fully. “Yeah. I kind of live between Dublin and London these days. It’s a pleasure to meet you. You’re the first one of Maggie’s friends that I’ve met over here.”

The little dog cradled in the crook of Shawna’s arm, which I’d failed to notice until now, whimpered as it shook from the cold. She looked down, clucked her tongue reproachfully, and sighed. “It really was nice to meet you. If you want to meet up before you leave again, give me a call. My number is still the same. I should go, though. Peaches here has had enough of the cold for one day.” She gave the tiny Chihuahua an awkward embrace with the arm it was perched upon before turning and walking away.

I waved goodbye to her as Jax bounded over to us, dropping the ball at my feet so he could pant without the obstruction in his mouth. I retrieved the ball and tucked it away, unravelling his leash from where I’d wound it around my forearm.

“I think we’ve all had enough of the cold for now,” I agreed.

We walked home, taking our time. It was more than fifteen blocks, and we were already exhausted. Everyone was going to sleep well that night.

“So, out of curiosity, why is it that I haven’t met any of your friends until now?”

I looked up at him in surprise as we waited for a stop light to change so that we could cross the street. “What do you mean? This is our second full day here. Everything in good time, Robert. Besides, most people who I met through university don’t actually live here, and they go home for the holidays. And, of course, Kellan was my best friend and he won’t be back in the country until after we leave. Not that he’s really my best friend anymore, I suppose. We don’t talk much these days,” I lamented.

“And why is that?”

I shrugged, pulling gently on Jax’s leash as he tried to wander off down a side street. “I don’t know. I’ve been busy. I would imagine he’s been busy, too. We exchange emails once every few weeks. People grow apart, it’s not a big deal. Besides, it’s bound to happen eventually. I mean, what else can I possibly expect if I want to move to the UK one day? If we lost touch when we were both guaranteed to come home in a few months, what will happen when I’m not sure when I’ll be back?”

Robert gave me an odd, measuring look. “You don’t seem terribly sad.”

I was sad, deep down, but I’d been preparing myself for this for awhile now. It was true that the lines of communication had slowed considerably since Kellan had originally left, but it was also true that they hadn’t been quite this cut until I’d met Robert. I was trying to distance myself from Kellan as much as I could before we were face to face once more. I was trying to prepare him for what was coming without ever saying the words. The part that frightened me was that I didn’t know just how to verbally produce those words. I didn’t know how I could ever tell him that I’d fallen in love with someone else when he had been waiting so patiently for his return to me.

I shrugged. “I can’t count the amount of friends that I’ve lost because we simply grew apart. Most of them still live nearby, but we just went to a different university or something. It’s never something that you really intend to happen, but it does. The relationships that are truly important are the ones that you fight for, no matter what.” There was a twisting in my gut as I wondered if Kellan was going to try and fight for me. He didn’t seem the type, to be honest.

When we made it home, Lenny had the house smelling positively delightful. The oven was on, and the house seemed to swell with the heat and the scents that it produced. Despite that, I only paused momentarily to talk to her.

“Hey, we’re going to have a nap. Hopefully we’ll be able to stay awake a little while longer tonight if we do. Can you feed Jax please?”

She nodded. “Yeah, sure. If you’re up for it tonight, can we watch Home Alone?”

I smiled. “It’s tradition, isn’t it?”

Lenny’s returning grin made me happy. These days, there wasn’t all that much that I could do for her. I sometimes felt like a truly shitty older sister. I wasn’t around to help her with her homework or her boy troubles, not that I would have been exceptionally helpful with either one, but I could give her this. We could watch the same movie that we had watched every holiday season since before she was even born. Sometimes it was the little things that made all the difference.

Robert was already wrapped up in my thick duvet when I walked into my bedroom. He peered over at me through his heavy eyelids. As soon as the warmth had saturated our skin, we’d both felt immediately drowsy. I crawled in next to him.

“I was going to say that you should warm me up,” he said slowly, “but I think with everything you went through this morning, I’ll let you be the little spoon.”

I laughed. “How very kind of you.”

It was past six when a knock on the door roused me. I reluctantly slid out from beneath the blanket and made my way across the room, where my mother was peeking in. She looked apologetic, but I couldn’t understand why. What was the big deal about interrupting a nap? If she hadn’t done it now, we would have woken up at two in the morning again.

“Helen told me about what happened with your grandparents this morning,” she said softly.

I leaned against the nearest wall, folding my arms across my chest and frowning. “Yeah, well, I guess I should have talked to you guys before I decided to go running off there.”

“Oh, honey, it’s not your fault. We should have given you accurate updates. I just didn’t think that you would want to go there without us. I’m sorry, Maggie. Your father wanted to tell you, but I thought there wasn’t much point because you were so far away.”

“It’s fine, Mom. I just wanted to get some stuff from Grandpa. I guess I’ll just have to get Dad to get it for me.”

She agreed quickly, though she didn’t ask what information I had been looking for. “Dinner’s ready. Your sister has gotten to be quite the little chef since you left, you know. She made roast beef.”

I didn’t feel like arguing that roast beef wasn’t all that hard to prepare, so I simply nodded and closed the door as she turned and walked away. I looked back to find that Robert was sitting up in bed, rubbing his eyes and stretching his free arm above his head.

“Well, I am refreshed and ready to go,” he said as he flung the blanket aside and clambered to his feet.

“I’m really glad that you came here,” I said suddenly. “Today would have been a lot harder without you there.”

“Don’t mention it,” he said as he pressed a kiss to my forehead. “I’m certain that one day you’ll have to return the favour.”

I felt the need to add that I couldn’t afford to fly all the way around the world at the drop of a hat, but I felt that the comment might just ruin the moment. I pulled my hair back and secured it with a ponytail. “So it looks like tonight is going to be a quiet night in, but if you’re feeling up to it, maybe we could go out tomorrow night or something.”

“Yeah, sure, I’d love to see the bar scene around here. I had a lot of fun when I was in Toronto. It’s a date.”

“Cool. Let’s go eat something.”

“So, Maggie,” Dad dipped his head toward me in greeting as he dished some lettuce salad on to his plate. “What exactly were you looking for when you went to see your grandparents today? You know you could have always just asked me.”

“Well I’m going to have to now, aren’t I?” I sighed. “It’s not important right now. It’s not really dinner conversation anyways. I don’t feel like dealing with whatever follows that bombshell at the moment.” I slid into my chair and reached for the jug of water that my mother had taken from the fridge. I filled Robert’s glass and my own, then began filling my plate with food.

“What are you talking about?” Dad continued. His voice was calm and measured; he was weighing every syllable to keep his intense curiosity void from his tone.

I grunted, passing the salad across the table to Lenny. “I just wanted a copy of his birth certificate, current ID and marriage license. You know, totally normal stuff.”

My father set his utensils down carefully on the edges of his plate. “Those aren’t documents that people just ask for, Maggie. Why do you need them?”

Robert was tense beside me. I patted his knee under the table to reassure him. This wasn’t a fight. This wasn’t even an argument. This was as close to a chat as I’d ever come with my dad when we dealt with something serious. We were too alike, him and I. It made it far too easy for the two of us to butt heads during a confrontation. Of course, that also meant that he would always hold a bit of a soft spot for me.

“I love it in Ireland,” I said. “It’s beautiful and if you think the people in Canada are famous for being nice, they’re nothing compared to the Irish. It’s felt like home since the moment I first got off the plane. I’ve been looking into getting my citizenship over there. Someday I might want to go back.”

“And this is something that you want to do just for yourself?” His eyes darted quickly, almost imperceptibly, over to Robert. I felt my fingers tighten where they rested on Robbie’s knee, though I hadn’t really intended to make the gesture.

“Of course it’s just for me,” I replied, working to stay as serene as possible. I’d come all the way home for the holidays; I wasn’t here to fight. “I’m still coming home after this semester, Dad. I have student loans to pay back. I just don’t want to wake up in twenty years and wonder what if. I want to have the option to go at any time. And I want you to be okay with that. You can get yours too, you know. It would actually be easier for you to get yours that it would be for me to get mine. Getting a European passport is a pretty sweet deal.”

“And when, exactly, where you planning on bringing this up?”

“As soon as I got what I needed from Grandpa, I was going to come to you. I need some stuff from you, too.”

Dad picked up his fork and shoved a rather large chunk of his baked potato into his mouth. He took his time chewing, and I felt that the action was more to stop him from yelling at me than anything else. More than anything I knew that he was afraid. When I’d originally brought up the idea of living in Dublin for a year, his first objection was that he didn’t want me to leave forever. After everything was said and done, he still thought of me as his little girl. We all knew that shy, kind-hearted Lenny would probably benefit a lot more from his protection that I ever would, but there was a part of him that could never let me go.

“If you’d like to come and see the area before you help her out, I’ve got an apartment in Dublin that you could use if you came for a visit,” Robert offered. He was staring down at the food on his plate, but he glanced up long enough to sneak a glance at each of my parents to gauge their reactions. “I’ll be in London mostly for the next couple of months. In March I’ll be back to film some stuff around the city, but that’s just until sometime in May. It’s yours to use, if you’d like.”

I pointed a finger toward Robert. “See what I mean? Everyone there is so much nicer than we are.”

“I’m plenty nice,” Dad grumbled into his food.

I swallowed the mouthful of food I was chewing. “Nobody said you weren’t nice, Dad. I know that this whole thing kind of caught you off guard, but,” I paused to take a deep breath. “Robert came across the world to be with me. That should have been a pretty big clue that I have a serious life over there.”

“Maybe I just didn’t want to see it.” Dad pushed his chair back and walked away from the table.

The rest of us stared after him, and nobody spoke for a long moment. Finally, I tossed my fork down with a clatter and stalked off down the hallway. The door to my parents’ bedroom was wide open, and the light flooded out onto the tiles beneath my feet. I walked in to find my father sitting on the foot of his bed. He was staring down at his hands.

“Dad,” I said softly.

He looked up. Though I couldn’t remember ever seeing my dad actually cry, this glassy-eyed look was not unfamiliar. I crossed over to the bed and sat down next to him.

“I’m not leaving forever,” I assured him. “No matter what, I’ll always come home from time to time. You don’t think I could just leave you guys behind, do you?”

“You were the strong one,” he muttered. “Yeah, you got into more trouble than your sister, but you could always take care of yourself. You were independent long before you needed to be. I knew that one day you were going to go, and I was going to have to let you. I just kept pretending that it wasn’t this time; it wasn’t going to happen yet. And then you show up with this boy. I never thought, in all my years, that you would be leaving me for some young guy.”

I laughed. “I’m not leaving you for him, Dad. That sounds creepy and wrong. And yeah, maybe he provided me with some added incentive for spending more time there, but he’s not the only reason. Trust me, if you went there you would never want to come back.”

“I thought you would have a career before you thought about settling down with a guy. Tell me, does he take care of you?”

I nudged him with my elbow. “I don’t need anyone to take care of me. I get that from you.”

“It would make me feel a lot better if you would answer the question honestly, Maggie.”

“He does,” I said honestly. “Sometimes probably better than I would care to admit. Look at him, Dad. He’s a saint. I mean, he has his idiotic moments, but could you really imagine me with someone who didn’t? You’ve got nothing to worry about with him, I promise.”

Dad cleared his throat and squeezed my hand in his. “He seems like a decent kid. Just don’t go biting off more than you can chew. I’ll still protect you with all I’ve got, kiddo.”

I smiled and kissed his cheek. “Thanks, Dad. Come on, I promised Lenny we could watch Home Alone tonight. I’ll make popcorn.”

“Use real butter, will you?”

I winked as I got to my feet. “Of course. But if Mom asks, it’s the fake stuff. If we let her know that I’m helping you ignore your cholesterol, she’ll never let me make you food again.”

“That’s my girl.”

I stopped in the doorway and looked back at him. “Always.”