Love Like A Tidal Wave

The place they sent me was just like the movies: padded white walls, all white clothes, and nurses with huge fake smiles and hands that were too cold. Hutchens Rehab Center was one of the worst places I could have ever been to in my life. I probably came out crazier than I went in. I didn't even understand why I was here. I slipped up once, everyone can make a mistake, right? I had Vic back and I couldn't be happier. I would never have another reason to shed a tear in my life. I just wanted to go home.

Also, just like in the movies, the schedule was pretty much the same. Every morning I would wake up, go eat breakfast, then walk down the seeming endless hallway to a plain white door. This was the part of the day where I would express my 'feelings', which mostly consisted of wanting to be with Vic or strangling everyone that worked in Hutchens. And if I expressed the second feeling I would never be allowed to leave the rehab center. I wrote poems and drew pictures, even attempted to write a few songs; anything that would pass the time. But mostly I just slept the day away in my room.

Rehab was absolutely pointless. I felt like a child being scolded for breaking a window. My scars had healed, they stung like a burn every time the skin on my wrist was stretched. They varied from red, to light pink, to ghostly white. Each one a reminder and a regret.

"Now Lyla, would you like to talk about anything?" The nurse was old and her smile gentle. She reminded me of the grandmother I never had but I hoped if I had had one she would be like this. Her name was Meredith and she was old enough to have wrinkles but not old enough to have turned gray. Her hair was shoulder length and dark brown and normally was tied back at the nape of her neck, but today it hung in loose curls down her back. Her eyes were a little more sparkly than usual and when she smiled the corners of her mouth followed the lines etched in her soft face.

"I have the same feelings I had the first day I came in here: I'm in love and I want to leave this place." I said stubbornly, I didn't mean to act like a brat but this place can really test someone's patience.

Meredith sighed and set down her clipboard, sliding her glasses off her nose she set them on the clipboard. "Alright then, let's talk about Vic."

"What do you want to know about him?" I smiled and became a little more willingly to be involved in the conversation.

"How do you feel about him? How do you feel when you're with him?"

"I feel happy, complete. There was this giant hole in my heart and he fills it. When he left I felt like my body was being turned inside out. It was the worst pain I had ever experienced, emotional pain turned into physical pain and I actually ached. I would never wish that pain on anyone, even my worst enemy. Everyone needs love and that should never be taken away from someone."

"I understand how you feel, Lyla. But no matter how you feel, hurting yourself won't take away the pain you feel. It may distract you from it momentarily but it will always come back, and it always comes back worse." I hated that she was right. "How do you know you're in love?"

"Because before I met him I thought I was just suppose to feel empty, it was normal for me. But when he came along I was filled with something new, it was happiness. I was warm and actually felt the butterflies. I can't explain it. He's my past, my present, and my future. I didn't actually start living until I met him." And with that I got up and left; there was nothing else to be said.

That was the last session I had with Meredith. I never told her bye, I never ended our time together formally. I never even knew her last name, but I hoped she lived the rest of her life happy. I hope she had her hair curled for a reason and she had someone to make her smile. I hope growing old treated her well and as her hair grayed and the lines on her face became deeper she didn't feel any pain.

After the fourteen longest days of my life I was released. I put on the clothes I came here back on and packed up the few things I brought and the few things I would bring out. I walked down the white walled hallway and out the front door without looking back. The sun hit me full in the face and if the sun was tangible it would've knocked me over. Vic leaned against his black truck. His arms crossed across his chest and his sunglass covered face was turned up toward the sky. The breath of the door closing shook him from his thoughts and the biggest smile spread across his face. He stuffed his glasses in his pocket and like every cliche movie to have ever existed we ran towards each other. He lifted me off the ground and I smiled down at him.

Even though I was bald and pale and my eyes were sunken in from chemo. Even though my clothes hung off my body because I had lost my curves and I looked like a twelve year old boy he still had the heart to say; "I missed you, beautiful."