One Cold Winter Day

“You know,” said Ryan to James “I think… I think she might be that girl”
James raised an eyebrow at his friend placing a cup of coffee against his cold lips. He tried to ignore that uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.

“You mean…?”

“I think she might be the one that I would actually go all sappy for. You know the whole ‘do anything for’ thing everyone talks about.” Ryan was staring out the cafe window with a dreamy look in his eyes, making James want to shake him. Shake him hard.

“I don’t ‘know’. And by ‘everyone’ you obviously mean teenage girls.” James chuckled. It sounded forced, but the other guy was too far lost in his own world to notice the slight painful edge to it.

“You’re an asshole.” Ryan took a quick playful glance at his friend as his lips formed a soft smile “You just don’t understand yet. One day you will meet someone who will take your breath away and then it will all make sense.”

“Take my breath away? Wait, so you’re saying she needs a shower?” James allowed himself an evil smirk but soon hid it behind a scarf. He wasn’t in a mood to be hit today. Or maybe he was, but this was not a place for that.

“God, James. I’m trying to have a serious conversation here.” Ryan threw him an annoyed look, which usually meant that James had reached the boundary of his patience.

“Sorry.” James murmured quietly.

A short silence followed after that. James felt his friend’s mood sink just a bit, but it was more than enough to make him feel guilty.

“So… What is it about her?” He said, hesitantly encouraging Ryan to tell him more.

Ryan sighed and his gaze lost focus once again. He missed the hesitance in James’ voice.

“I just… It’s kind of like she’s perfect. I can’t find a single thing I don’t like. She is everything I could ever want and more. I feel devastated just thinking that she might not feel the same way…”

“You haven’t told her yet?”James eyes stared intently at Ryan’s face, as if examining even the slightest emotion to pass in his features

“That’s just it” Ryan’s eyebrows knitted together and a look of sheer worry took a place “She has no idea I think of her like that”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I’m happy to be her friend for now. I like her too much to ruin this. Even if that means staying friends with her forever, I just can’t risk losing her.” Ryan frowned.

“Well, that seems to suck.” James replied and something between sadness and amusement flashed in his eyes.

“Tell me about it” Ryan groaned and buried his head in his arms.

James could have. James could have told Ryan everything about it.

“Sorry” He said instead.

“Yeah” Came Ryan’s muffled reply.

James lost himself in a peaceful moment of silence that took place after that. While he felt sad and was far from happy about his friend having problems, it was at times like this that he felt closer to Ryan than ever. Ryan did not open up to people easy and James knew it, therefore he inevitably felt important and needed after seeing him like that, with his vulnerable side showing. James liked that feeling. It was his way of being a part of Ryan’s life. It always came as a huge relief from the usual loneliness.

Yet somehow he knew that this was going to change after what he was about to do and couldn’t help but let the moment linger slightly longer then needed.

“You’re not gonna like what I have to say now.” As the words left James mouth after a long pause he instantly felt his entire body screaming against it. He just bit the inside of his cheek and turned his head down, letting his hair cover up his eyes.

“Hm?” Ryan murmured raising his head to look at him.

“If you like her...” James said looking at the hot liquid in his cup and trying to silence the cries of his rightful mind “If you honestly feel about her as you said you did, you’re going after her the moment you leave this building. You’re going to call her or go to her and tell her every single thing you told me. She deserves to know the truth. And you would be stupid for destroying any chance of being with her, before it’s even there. If she says no, you’re gonna keep on trying until she’s yours. Got it?”

James felt Ryan’s stare but didn’t dare to look up. It wasn’t safe to look up just yet.

“But…”

“No. Just no. You have to go after her. You’re going to regret it if you don’t” He said and closed his eyes. For the very first time in his entire life James wished that Ryan would just go already.

“I…I… What if…” He heard Ryan murmur and sighed deeply. It reminded James why he rarely did people favors, - doing the right things was always the harder way to go (well that and he also thought that most people were idiots).

James clenched his teeth and after giving himself a few seconds to make sure he was going to be okay he raised his eyes to meet Ryan’s.

His friend was looking as if he was at a loss and James was the only one who could save him. James’ eyes grew cold and formed a glare.

“If you don’t get your fat ass out of here right this instant, I’m personally going to make sure your comic book collection is no longer safe in your room.”

Ryan’s orbs widened.

“You…you…”

James gave him an evil smile.

“Oh yes.”

“Okay! Okay! I’m going!” Ryan threw his hands up as if surrendering and stood up “But are you su-“

“Just go already!” James rolled his eyes hissing at his friend.

He watched Ryan’s back leaving the café. Before closing the door he turned around to give James a slight thankful smile.

After waiting a few moments he smacked his head on the table letting out a deep groan.

“Shit”

Smack.

“Fuck”

Smack.

“Hell”

Smack.

“While I find this highly amusing, you might want to stop. After all, you never know when you might need your head for something other than destroying tables.” A deep voice came from behind James.

He looked around to see the waiter, who was serving them earlier. It was a tall guy, slightly older than James himself. Currently there was a playful smirk on his lips.

“Nah. This head just betrayed me, I don’t want to see that stupid thing on my shoulders ever again. Ever.” James said and banged his head against the tabletop once again, making the waiter sigh.

“Pity. It is quite a pretty head.” He teased James in mock sorrow.

“That’s one opinion.” James grumbled.

The other guy’s lips formed an amused little smile.

“May I?” He asked nodding his head slightly towards the empty place next to James, while putting away his note pad into his pocket.

“Meh.” James peeked at the guy through his hair and shrugged his shoulders. The movement looked awkward because his head was still resting on the table and the waiter chuckled lightly.

“I’m Jeremy, by the way,” The guy introduced himself.

“James,” he got a muffled reply.

“Nice to meet you,” Jeremy smiled at the top of James’ head, knowing full-well that the guy couldn’t see him.

“Uh-uh. Very nice indeed.” James sat up straight and picked up his cup, downing the last drop of coffee. After that he turned to look at Jeremy.

He didn’t know why but he froze in place when he met serene blue eyes, filled with something in between worry and pity.

“I took a liberty of listening to your conversation” Jeremy said carefully and glanced slightly at the door.

Oh, well that was unfortunate.

“How impolite of you.” James mused and turned away to look at the window.

It was snowing. James liked snow.

“You’re stupid for doing what you just did there.” Jeremy said and James felt his stare.

“How so?” James smiled at the guy. Well it was more of a grimace, but hey…

“You like him.”Jeremy said as if it explained everything.

“Of course I like him. We’ve been friends since we were nine. I fail to see your point.” James cocked his head to one side.

“Nope. I mean the ‘do anything for’, ‘take your breath away’ kind of like” Jeremy let a soft smile slip, when he saw a slight tint of red dusting James cheeks.

“I do not!” James tried to sound outraged, but failed miserably. His voice broke in the mid-sentence and the way he tried to clumsily cross his arms gave him away instantly.

Jeremy tried to contain his laugh, but as their eyes met he couldn’t help but burst into a fist of chuckles. After awhile though a sudden sound caused him to stop and freeze. It was James’ laugh. It was light and sonorous and it made something shift inside Jeremy. He watched as the guy’s eyes lit up and a carefree smile graced his features.

Jeremy bit his lower lip slightly.

“You’re taking this well” He said to James when the laughter died down.

“What?”

“You just told the person you’re in love with to go after someone else.” He raised an eyebrow.

“I’m not in love with him.” James stated simply with a peaceful look on his face,

“But-“

“You don’t understand. This feeling I have, it’s selfish and cowardly. I want to be near him so much that I choose to lie to him. I’m so afraid of what he might think that I’m never honest with him. I keep secrets for him in order to keep him around. He deserves the truth. It’s not love. Love is never this selfish. Love acquires courage.” James said and sighed, looking at the other guy with the corners of his lips curling up slightly.

Jeremy eyed the guy thoroughly. James’ eyes looked sad, but there was some kind of acceptance shining in them.

“Letting go the person you love, so that they can go after someone else is not selfish.” He noted and resisted the urge to brush James’ hair out of his face.

“I did that… I did that as a friend. Besides, you cannot let go something that was not yours in the first place.”

Jeremy could’ve argued with that. He could’ve continued trying to see whether James was really not that sad about the whole situation. He was somewhat convinced that he was just pretending to be okay. It scared Jeremy somehow, as if the moment he turned around the guy would fall into pieces and there would be nothing Jeremy could’ve done about it.

“You’re a good friend then.” Jeremy murmured with an uneasy feeling in his gut

“Ryan was the only one to stick around, and, let me tell you, it is an admirable thing, because I can be quite a fuck up sometimes. Of course I’m a good friend, all you have to do is want them to be happy.” James gave Jeremy a lighthearted smile, making the guy cringe inwardly at his modesty and innocence.

“Friendship is never one sided, you know that right?”Jeremy said trying to choose his words carefully.

“What do you mean?” James frowned slightly

“I mean, that you can’t be the only one trying to make the other happy.”

“But like I said before, he has done more than enough by sticking around. I don’t really have that much people in my life, so…” James furrowed his eyebrows slightly, trying to explain what it really meant for him to even have Ryan as a friend.

“I see” Jeremy assured the guy though once again there was once again so much more he could’ve said instead.

Jeremy felt uneasy talking to James. He was afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing in case James would stop talking to him. He felt like if he messed this up he would never see James again.

“Excuse me!” came a voice from one of the other tables

Jeremy sighed.

“Duty calls” He muttered to James hesitantly

“Oh, right, Mister Waiter,” The guy replied with a slight chuckle “Of you go! In the meantime I’m going to carry on with trying to destroy my useless head. Oh, and while you’re at it…” James said and smirked “Another one of these would be nice” he finished shoving his cup into Jeremy’s hands.

Jeremy gave him a playful glare, but James noticed that the guy smiled brightly once he thought he wasn’t looking.

After a while Jeremy was back with two cups in his hands. As he sat down he handed one of them
to James.

“Why am I drinking hot chocolate?” James asked unhappily

“We both know you can’t handle more than one cup of coffee at a time.” Jeremy grinned

James looked at him with curious eyes.

“What? You come here nearly every day. It doesn’t take a genius to notice that you get all jumpy and start tapping your fingers in that annoying fashion after your second order.” Jeremy replied to James’ unasked question.

James couldn’t help but notice a slight hint of something unfamiliar shining in the older guy’s eyes. Something that made him want to shift under them. He decided to ignore it though settling for a discontent ‘I’m not annoying’.

“Of course not. Just caffeine intolerant.” Jeremy smirked and James felt his cheeks growing warmer.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After five more cups of hot drinks and four hours long conversation about nothing and everything at the same time Jeremy’s shift was finally over.

“Come on” He said to James wrapping a scarf around himself tightly and motioning James to follow him through the doors into the street lighted with Christmas decorations.

James watched the guy pull a beanie with ear flaps and a huge bobble out of his pocket and put it on.
“Cute” James commented and chuckled as Jeremy’s cheeks heated up.

James let out a puff of air which created white steam in cold winter weather. He slid colorful woolen mittens onto his hands.

“Cute” Jeremy teased back and James shot him an embarrassed look.

“Where to, Mister Waiter?” he grinned

“Hmm… I don’t know. How about just going to the park?”

“To the park? At night? Doesn’t sound suspicious at all! Let’s go.” James sent a wink in Jeremy’s direction and started running down the street making his way through the crowd.

Jeremy stood still for a moment looking after the guy’s back. He was happy that James seemed to be in better mood. The feeling about him breaking the minute he was alone ceased, making Jeremy smile contently.

A second later he fled after the guy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He found James standing on a bridge by the park with a phone up to his ear.

“She did?... Oh… That’s freaking awesome, man…. I told you…yeah…right… Who gives the best advice in the world?” His voice was cheerful, but the emotion didn’t reach his eyes, which were casted downwards.

Jeremy froze in place at a loss for what to do or what to say.

“Yeah… me? I’m with a friend… Nah you don’t know him… No… What? No!” Suddenly James turned beet red.

“Jesus, Ryan! I’m hanging up now!... Uh-huh, bye!... For heaven’s sake, Ryan! You’re not my mother! Bye!” James’ eyes were wide and the blush was now coloring even his neck and ears as he pressed a button on his phone and stuffed it furiously into his pocket.

“I swear… like I would tell him… that assho-“ James started mumbling under his breath.

Jeremy let out a slight cough. James jumped startled all of a sudden.

“Oh you’re here!” He said as his eyes darted around not to meet the grey ones. By now Jeremy desperately wanted to know what Ryan had said to James to get the latter so worked up.

“Yup. By the way, how the hell do you run so fast in those jeans?” Jeremy raised his eyebrow at James’ ripped skinny jeans , which looked far from comfortable.

“It’s my special talent. When you’re this sexy, there’s bound to be crowds of people chasing you. You have to know how to get away, no matter what clothes you’re in.” James grinned and wiggled his butt. His face was slowly going back to its natural color.

“Why of course! Silly, silly me!” Jeremy chuckled going up to stand next to James on the bridge.

They both turned their heads to watch the frozen lake below them as they leaned onto the railing. Suddenly the atmosphere grew serious.

“Are you okay, James?” Jeremy asked quietly.

“Better than ever” James glanced at the guy beside him with a peaceful smile.

“It’s okay, you know. To be sad that is.” The older guy said gently

“He’s happy , I’m happy. There’s nothing to be sa-…”

Jeremy silenced James by taking off his beanie and putting it on James’ head. He tucked it so that it would cover James’ eyes.

“What are you-?”

James felt two strong arms pull him into a hug. Forcing his head to rest against a hard chest.

“There. Now no one can see you.” Jeremy’s voice soothed quietly.

James didn’t know how or why, but the next thing he knew was that he was sobbing, with tears spilling over his eyes only to be soaked up by the beanie. His own whimpers sounded strange and unfamiliar and he tried to burry himself deeper into Jeremy’s scarf to tune them out.

Jeremy’s arms were gone suddenly, making James let out a particularly pathetic sound and cling to his coat like a kid.

“Shhh…” Jeremy murmured prying the hands off himself and pulling away for a moment.

He unzipped his coat and did the same to James’ bringing the guy’s body back to his own once again, only now with one less layer of clothes in between them.

James’ let out a choked sob as his arms wrapped tightly around the taller guy’s torso. It was the first time in his entire life he had lost it like that and he was frightened by it all especially by the sounds coming out of his mouth.

“Shhh…” Jeremy soothed once again and James could feel his warm breath against his neck.
Suddenly he felt Jeremy’s hands cover his ears as if the latter read his mind.

That was when it all crashed down.

“H-he loves her” A whimper ripped uncomfortably through James’ throat followed by shaky sobs.
Jeremy held the shaking body close to his and felt tears pricking at his own eyes. He was glad James couldn’t see him right now because he could definitely share at least a part of the feeling James was drowning in now.

To answer your question- yes, Jeremy noticed this boy way before that day. Watching and secretly trying to know everything about him, he didn’t even need to talk to James to develop this unlikely attachment.

Jeremy rested his head on top of James’ and sighed as he felt a single drop of salty water stain his cheek.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The boys stood there for a long time, though if someone asked neither would be able to tell how long exactly it was. James cries had finally subsided but the embrace was left unbroken as Jeremy took the beanie off the other guy’s head.

James hair was a complete mess and his eyes were red, but nonetheless Jeremy could see the relief behind them. He tried a modest careful smile and let out a sigh of relief himself when the younger boy mirrored it.

He brushed the untamed hair out of James’ face and let out one more huff of warm air into his ear before letting go and zipping both of their coats again.

“Sorry” Murmured James looking at the ground

“It’s okay”

“Thank you”

“Nothing to thank for, James” Jeremy’s eyes were serious and yet somewhat calm as they bore into James’ “Now come on, I’m freezing my butt off in here!”

The guys spent the rest of the night in Jeremy’s apartment, drinking hot drinks and sitting under the warmth of blankets.

Jeremy decided that he had never felt, nor will he ever feel this sad and happy at the same time.

Ever.