Without You, I'm A Disaster

A long while later, Crystal came stumbling from the back of the bus into the main part. When she saw that it was only Reid there, she checked what time it was on her iPod that she had left on the counter the night before. Her eyes widened, “It’s already 1:30?!” The keyboardist laughed and nodded as he set his notebook off to the side and pulled his earphones out. “Why’d you let me sleep so late?” she asked as she ran her hands through her darkened hair.
When he didn’t answer, the girl snapped her fingers in front of his face, “Earth to Reid!” He shook his head, “What? Sorry.” The girl rolled her eyes but didn’t say anything. Reid smiled, “Well, maybe if you didn’t run around here in your underwear, it would be easier for me to focus and pay attention.” Crystal tried her hardest to look unamused by his comment, but she couldn’t keep her face from flushing red.
“But anyway,” Reid continued, “in answer to your question. I let you sleep in because I figured that you needed it with everything that’s been going on lately. A little extra sleep never hurt anyone.” Crystal nodded; she couldn’t argue with what he was saying.
It had been silent between the two of them for a moment when Crystal fell down onto the couch next to Reid. She grabbed his sweatshirt off the back of the couch and zipped it up part of the way so she was mostly covered. He turned and saw a dark purple mark on her neck right beneath her raven tattoo. It was then that he remembered why he had really stayed behind to begin with. He gently touched the mark with the tips of his pointer and middle fingers. “Who’s the luck guy?” he asked a little softer than he had intended. The girl shot him a confused look, and then quickly put her hand up to her neck, “Oh, no one.” Reid raised an eyebrow. “Don’t lie to me Crys,” he said. She sighed and put her face down into her hands.
“It was Walst,” she grumbled without looking up at the keyboardist. Reid had known what was coming so it didn’t shock him. He put a hand on the girl’s shoulder, “Are you two together?” Crystal looked up and shook her head, “No, we’re not. I mean, he likes me, or at least, he used to. But I’m pretty sure that any real feelings are gone now.” Reid cocked an eyebrow, “What makes you say that?” Crystal shrugged as she leaned back on the couch, “I just, I feel like now that he knows he can get what he wants, he doesn’t honestly care about how I feel anymore,” she paused, “Which I guess is fair in a sense because I haven’t really given his feelings all that much consideration.” Reid nodded as he listened to her. As much as the situation upset him, he knew that he couldn’t let it show or he would never be able to have a rational conversation with the girl.
“How long have you two been…you know…” his voice trailed off. Crystal shrugged, “Ever since that night Sal caught us I guess. We just got better at hiding it.” Reid looked into the girl’s bright green eyes, “Why though? I guess I just, I don’t understand.” Crystal sat forward and rested her elbows on her knees, “It’s not that I love him or anything. Like, I care about Matt more than I can try to say, but not in the same way that I care for you. It’s just that, well, I knew that he liked me and that I could have him if I wanted. And him and I are best friends so I knew that I could trust him not to go around broadcasting it,” she paused, “All that and, to be honest, he was the perfect distraction.” Reid toyed with his hands in his lap, “Distraction from what?” The girl looked at him, tears beginning to grow in her eyes, “From you.”
Reid gently brushed the hair out from in front of the girl’s face. She pushed his hand away. “Don’t,” she said with an audible shake to her voice. He looked at her with a hurt expression on his face, “Don’t what?” She turned to him, “Don’t do that thing where you’re all sweet and everything and make me care about you all over again. Because every time that happens, within the next two days I have to either hear you talking about some girl that you were with, or I actually have to walk in on it. I can’t handle that anymore Reid. That last time that I walked in on that, all I could think about was all the times that that happened while the two of us were dating. It was like I wasn’t good enough for you. And granted, I’m nothing special, but I love you more than anything. What I have going on right now with Matt, is basically what you have with all the girls you meet after concerts. The only difference is, I actually know my guy. And I get it, you’re a rock star and can get any girl you want and you LOVE to advertise that. But for me, Matt is just what I use to forget about the fact that you have a new girl every night. He’s my distraction from you. Like, I’m glad that you’ve got it all together and everything and that you’re doing great since we broke up, but I’m not.”
Reid ran his hands through his hair, “You think I’m doing great? You honestly think that I’ve got my shit together? Crys, ever since we broke up, there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by that I don’t regret what I did, and all the stupid shit that I did to hurt you.” She looked at him and tugged at the sleeves of the sweatshirt, “Then why did you do it?”
Reid threw his hands up, “Because I was scared!” He took a deep breath and quieted his voice a little bit, “I was scared Crys. I was falling in love with you so quickly and I didn’t know what to do about it. I had never been in love before. I’d been with plenty of girls, but I never cared about them the way that I did you. You meant so much to me and it scared the living shit out of me. The only thing that I could think to do was drive you away, because I knew I’d only hurt you in the end. I guess I hurt you while trying to avoid just that, but I knew that I couldn’t be what you needed. I’ve been a wreck without you; I don’t even know what to do anymore.”
Crystal slid her hand into his, “Why didn’t you say anything then?” The keyboardist shook his head, “Because even though I still love you more than anything, I know that I can’t be what you need or what you deserve. You’re amazing Crys. I know you don’t see it, but you are. You’re funny, talented, sweet, and not to mention you’re absolutely beautiful. You deserve more than me, you deserve someone who isn’t going to hurt you. And I know that I’m going to end up doing just that.”
Hearing him talk like that caused tears to slowly slide their way down her cheeks. She couldn’t help it; it was like he was breaking up with her all over again.
“But I don’t want anyone else,” she whispered, “I love you, and you’re the only person that I want to be with.” Reid wrapped his arms around her and rested his forehead against hers. “I love you too, but don’t you see? We’re just not meant to be together.”
“How can you say that?” she asked, her voice shaking now more than ever, “After everything you just said about how much you love me and miss me, how can you say that we can’t be together?” Reid pulled her closer and the girl rested her head on his chest. “Because,” he said softly into her hair, “all I’m going to do is hurt you. I’ll slip up again Crys, I know it. As much as I love you, it’s going to happen. I don’t’ know why, but it just does. And you deserve someone who can be unquestionably devoted to you. That’s not me though. I’ve never been that guy, and I probably never will be. I love you more than anything, but I just, I can’t put you through the pain that comes with being with me.”
The girl cried into his shirt. Reid held her tight and gently ran his hands up and down her back. She wrapped her arms around him and buried her face further into his chest. She knew that he was right. She had known that all along. But, she had just hoped that he could change, that he WOULD change. She could see now though, that that wasn’t going to happen. She had fallen in love with the wrong guy, and there was no undoing it.