Eleanor Rigby

I’ve never felt so alone before, so betrayed by the people who I thought I could count on the most.

Leaving her at that alter was instinct after what I saw her do, seeing her with my brother. My brother of all people and doing that in a church, for God's sake!

But the guilt I felt for her death, it was too much to bear. She was stupid to run after me, tripping over her dress and when I darted across the street I didn’t expect her to follow. But when I heard the horn and the screeching of the tires, I knew. Turning back to the street all I saw was her dress in the middle of the road, it engulfed her body. The taxi had stopped and the driver was now pacing in front of the car, not wanting to look at the woman he just killed.

I ran.

I’ve never felt such guilt. I knew it was my fault, but part of me couldn’t help but think that she deserved it. That she deserved the instant repercussions for what she did. But oh, the guilt; it was screaming at me, screaming to go back.

I couldn’t.

******

At her funeral people expected me to be the mourning husband.

Had they forgotten that I left before we got married?

And her lover, my brother, he dared to come to me and offer comfort and support as if I needed it or wanted it from him. They all looked at me with pity in their eyes.

Did they not know it was my fault she was in the street, that she ran out there chasing me?

I wanted to scream at them, to scream at him for what he did. This was his fault, not mine. I left before I was expected to speak. I couldn’t deal with this. Not while my guilt and anger and sadness were raging inside of me. I needed calm.

As I walked along looking for a deserted spot, people stared. Probably wondering why I was here at a sandy destination dressed to the nines. My coat tails were fluttering in the wind as I continued down the crowded stretch. Walking up the side of a sand dune, I thought I was finally away from prying eyes.

You were facing away from me and singing at the top of your lungs.

“All the lonely people

Where do they all come from?

All the lonely people

Where do they all belong?”

I don’t know how long I stood there watching you, and I don’t know if you noticed me, but you just kept singing. When you were finally finished, you turned to face me as if you knew exactly where I was the entire time.

“Why do you come to me?” Your voice rolled off your tongue like satin and filled my ears with the sweetest sound I had ever heard in my life. I stood there in awe; my brain and mouth were no longer connected.

“What do you seek?” The ocean breeze tossed around your tresses surrounding your head with tangled brown pieces. And still I didn’t speak.

What did I want? What do I seek now? What is my life going to be like after this?

You laughed and circled me, whispering as you went.

“Ah, look at all the lonely people

Ah, look at all the lonely people”

I was mesmerized, hypnotized, paralyzed. Yet, somehow, after what felt like an eternity, I found my voice.

“I’m not lonely.” The voice that whispered sounded nothing like me and yet it betrayed my statement as a lie. You came to stand in front of me, your sea green eyes piercing mine looking for something. It felt like you were looking at my soul. I could feel my Adam’s apple bob as I swallowed.

A playful smile slowly crept upon your face as you spun me around so I was facing the water. With you behind me I felt my hat slip off my head.

I waited; waited for something to happen, for you to say something, for you to touch me again because it felt heavenly, like nothing I had ever experienced before. I’m not sure how much time passed before I turned around, but you were gone. I spun in a circle hoping for a glimpse of your brown hair, but all I saw was sand; sand and water. Water that was a beautiful sea green and sand with brown strings of seaweed spread out.

I walked down to the water and tried to remember the way your voice flinted through my mind. I raised my hand to push my hair back only to knock something off my head. I looked down and my hat was lying next to me on the sand, having just been bumped off my head. I stumbled back with a gasp and I felt my chest heave while my breath became ragged.

I don’t know how much time I wasted looking down at that simple black hat.

After I picked it up and placed it on my head, I took one last look at you; at the ocean. I was amazed. For the small increment of time that you held me here, my memories didn’t seem to exist. I had forgotten everything; her, him, the reason I had come to the seaside in the first place.

“Thank you.” With my whisper good-bye I turned and walked away to return to my life.