My One True Love, My Best Friend

As Alex’s fingers wrapped around the handle of the door of his apartment, there was a certain empty feeling in his stomach that hadn’t gone away since he left the hospital. The door pushed open, sluggishly, as the young man trudged through with an emotionless expression. His back was against the white wood, pressing, making the door close.

He then made his way to the tiny kitchen that reminded him he would never see him in here ever again, cooking. It all seemed too bittersweet. He threw his colorful keys onto the counter and stopped in his tracks.

He looked around him, really getting a good look at the walls around him. His eyes inspected every square inch of the place, taking in every stain, paint chip, and scuff mark. Each one had a story and that involved his best friend.

This place didn’t feel like home, not any more. The god awful yellow that was painted on the walls that he thought was a great idea now seemed to haunt him. It was just another memory, another reason to miss him.

Everywhere he turned there was something to remind him of Jack Barakat. “Alex, the yellow will be fun. Stop being an asshole” His voice echoed throughout Alex’s head. His eyes then focused on a stain on the carpet.

Alex shook his head and attempted to grin. He perfectly remembered what that was from. Christmas of 09’ when they hosted a holiday party. Sure, the party was fun but what came after the party was the best part.

Let’s just say things definitely got interesting that night. A half empty bottle of captain later and the two boys were feeling each other up on the couch without a care in the world. The snow falling innocently outside, the fake, tacky, plastic logs burning in the corner of the room that made a certain sound as the fabric from the “flame” was “burning”.

Of course they were tipsy but neither of them were drunk. They wanted, no, they needed to remember that night because that was the night their lives changed forever…

“Hey. I have to bring you somewhere” Alex said happily placing his head on the edge of the sofa looking at Jack’s face. ‘”Now? I’m kinda naked, dude.” Alex rolled his eyes and grabbed Jack’s boxers. He then rose to his feet and threw Jack’s boxers at his face. “Get dressed. I have to show you this. I know you’ll love it.”

Jack smirked as he too rose to his feet.The way Jack smirked at him made Alex’s stomach flip. It was always that tin, damn smirk that made him go insane. Alex knew it was the little things that Jack did that brought him to his knees in a second.

Alex practically buried his face into his hands as he turned away from Jack hiding the creeping blush that came right on queue every time Jack smirked. “Are you blushing, Gaskarth?” Jack’s voice bellowed throughout the apartment.

He felt Jack’s stupid, fucking shit eating grin forming. He knew the exact expression he wore because he knew how to make Alex want him within a matter of seconds, hell with just snap of his fingers he’d come crawling. Alex turned around and cried, “Come on! Hurry up!”

He was practically jumping around like a child on Christmas morning begging his parents to open up presents. “All right, all right!” Jack said while getting his pants on. “Where are we going anyway?”

Alex walked up to him, putting a finger against his lips, “it’s a secret. I can’t tell you.” Jack then threw on his shirt and nodded. “Fair enough. Lead the way, princess.” Alex shot Jack a look and Jack merely chuckled. “Don’t worry, you’re the prettiest princess I’ve ever seen!”

Jack then grabbed Alex’s hand made a pouty face. “Nope. Not gonna work. You just called me a fucking princess.” Jack put up a finger and pointed it at Alex. “Ah. correction, I not only called you a princess but a pretty princess!” Alex punched Jack in the arm playfully and led them through the door.

It had to be past one in the morning but Alex didn’t care. This was the perfect time to follow through with his plans. His heart was now pounding, this was it. As they came to the elevator and they had to wait, Alex took a moment to just look at Jack. He really was gorgeous.

There was something so off about him that Alex was addicted to. Maybe it had to do with his outgoing, quirky personality but there was so much than meets the eye with Jack. That’s what he loved about him.

There was always a surprise, a new adventure. Jack turned to look at Alex because he felt his eyes staring at him. “Yes?” He laughed. “Can I help you?” He grinned making Alex blush. He couldn’t help but let out a little chuckle.

There was so much energy pulsing through him. He was just so damn excited he didn’t know what to do with himself. “Oh, nothing, just admiring the view.” He smiled at his best friend. The elevator doors opened and the two boys walked in. Pressing the L button, Alex never let go of Jack’s hand.

He gave Jack’s hand a comforting squeeze as they waited in silence as the elevator moved floors and floors down. Alex was already growing impatient with the wait. He wanted to know Jack’s answer oh so badly. The anticipation was killing him.

He felt a surge of adrenaline pump through him as he thought about Jack’s eyes lighting up as Alex opened the box. Alex was really in his own little world until Jack sighed loudly and it made Alex jump. Jack watched him in the corner of his eye and said “Are you all right? You seem a little weird tonight.”

Alex grinned widely and nodded. “I’m fantastic, wonderful, great, even.” Jack’s eyebrows went up and the corners of his mouth went in the same direction. “You seem to be in a rather chipper mood. Is it because you just got laid?”

Alex laughed loudly as the elevator doors opened. “Yeah, I mean that’s part of it. But no, that’s not all as to why I’m in this mood.” They smiled kindly at the lady who was getting on to the elevator.

She looked like she too had quite the night. Alex tugged Jack’s hand and brought him outside. “Come on!” They intertwined their fingers and held on tightly to one another. Jack didn’t bother asking why or how he just knew that once Alex had an idea or put a plan in motion it was useless trying to talk him out of it.

Their feet pounded on the white snow, making a crunching noise. Snow from the sky, fell onto their heads and arms. There were hardly any people on the streets. There was a certain darkness that obviously signified night time, but the way the snow lit up the atmosphere it made it seem much more magical.

“Okay, we’re here.” Alex said coming to an abrupt hault. Jack’s eyes did in fact light up. He knew instantly where they were, “..Alex..” Was all he could say.

Although you couldn’t see it now, this was the first stage that All Time Low ever performed on. Alex let go of Jack’s hand and hopped on the mound of snow that covered the hidden stage.

“Get up here, Barakat.” Jack smiled at him and followed him up to the snow covered stage. Alex then looked away from Jack and out towards the white covered benches. Alex made a fist and held it up to his chin and began

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are All Time Low. I am Alex Gaskarth and this is my best friend in the whole wide world,” Alex handed over the “mic” Jack smiled greatly and took the “mic” without hesitation. “I’m Jack Barakat. And I would just like to say I’m not wearing underwear.”

Then Alex’s voice went up an octave and tried his best to sound like a girl “Take it off, Jack! Woo!” He mimicked a typical All Time Low fan in a playful tone. Jack spoke into the mic once more “Not now, maybe later after Alex takes his off.” Alex looked out into the “audience” and said “Yeah, maybe later after I make out with him.”

They both laughed and shared a moment of silence. It really was incredible how far they had come. It all started on this stage, just to think one simple stage changed everything. Alex walked over towards Jack and wrapped his arms around his waist. “So why are we here, dude?”

Jack asked while his smile never fades. Alex started to feel it again that adrenaline that coursed through his body as he imagined Jack’s shocked face. “Because…” Alex sighed “We’re here because I have to tell you something.” His eyes flickered down to Jack’s chest simply because it was easier to talk to, Jack’s eyes were so overpowering sometimes.

It made Alex crazy because he could hardly look into his fantastic eyes. “When we first played here, there was a moment for me when I-when I realized that I” He swallowed hard.

“When I realized that I liked you. I had a thing for you,” He grinned. “You totally had a hard on for me, admit it.” Jack said while grinning playfully. “Shut up, you’re ruining this beautiful moment, fucker.” Alex’s eyes then fixed back onto Jack’s chest. “Anyway, like I was saying, this was the place where I realized that you were so much more than a best friend.”

He could already feel his cheeks reddening. He hardly ever spoke like this to Jack. It was sort of difficult, he never understood how easy it was for Jack whenever he confessed his love for him or even saying how sexy Alex was.

Jack wore a smile that made Alex’s stomach flip. He looked up only for a brief second and closed his eyes. He couldn’t take it. His beauty literally left him breathless sometimes, especially right now.

Even though his hair was a total mess and he was wearing yesterday’s clothes. He had never looked more perfect to him than right now. Alex opened his eyes and bit the bullet. Just do it, Alex, you can do this.

“You mean so much to me, Jack. I wish that there was so much more I could do for you. If I could buy you the world I would. I’d deliver it to you on a gold platter. There’s not a thing in the world I wouldn’t do for you. I just-ugh”

He laughed a little and wiped his face as if he was trying to wipe away the emotion with his hands. “I just can’t look at you sometimes because you just fucking, gah, I don’t know. I just can’t breathe around you, my stomach is always in knots when I’m around you, I can never stop smiling.

Hell, you’re the reason why I smile. I love you, Jack. There’s not a person in the universe who could change my mind. I knew from the day that I met you that you were going to be someone important in my life. I just felt it.

I knew that I shouldn’t let this snot nosed prick out of my life.” He grinned making Jack chuckle. “And I never did. You were and always are there for me whenever I need you. You never let me down, you always amaze me with your intelligence, brilliance, and just overall ability to just make someone simply laugh.

You’re just amazingly special and I adore every single little thing about you.” Jack could hardly feel his face because of how cold he was so he didn’t notice that he had a tear streaming down his face.

Alex wiped it away gently and said “There’s also one thing I have to ask you…” Jack’s heart hardly stopped, he knew what was coming next. Alex got down on one knee and he reached inside his pocket and pulled out the box.

Jack’s jaw dropped he could hardly believe this was happening. Alex opened the box and continued

“Jack Barakat, will you make me the luckiest bastard alive and marry me?” Jack smiled instantly and more tears streamed down his face. “Abso-fucking-lutely!” Jack practically screamed. Alex got back up on his feet and hugged him tightly.

He never wanted to let go of his lover. Alex couldn’t stop smiling. He was overwhelmed with joy and happiness. He truly did feel like the luckiest man alive. This incredible person just said yes to him.

A fucked up, arrogant guy who doesn’t deserve such a gem like Jack, said yes. Alex then picked up Jack and spun him around. Jack held on tightly and giggled. He placed his feet on the ground and pulled away from his grasp.

He placed his hands on Alex’s scruffy face and kissed him sweetly. Their eyes instantly closed focusing their energy all on that one special kiss.

They were now engaged. Alex and Jack, Jack and Alex together. Jack pulled away only slightly and rested his head on Alex’s forehead. “Yes.” He whispered softly. “I do.” Alex grinned to himself knowing this was most likely the best day of his life…

Alex shook his head and turned off the light he left on from the previous night. He made his way to the bedroom hesitantly and opened the door. He looked at the bed, still untouched. The way Jack left it. It was almost like a museum piece that Alex never wanted to touch ever again.
Alex then walked further into the room and picked up one of Jack’s shirts from the floor. He held it delicately and clutched it to his chest. It was then that he knew, he was about to have another episode. Alex sat down on the carpeted floor and just let everything out.
His face became tear soaked in a matter of minutes. He rested his back against the yellow wall. His face buried in the shirt, his tears making it wetter and wetter by the second. He could still smell Jack’s scent on the shirt.
“Why? You bastard! Why would you leave me here!?” He screamed into the shirt. He picked up his head and threw the shirt across the room. “I hate you. I hate you more than you will ever know. How dare you leave me here alone!
How am I supposed to just move on? I can hardly breathe without out you, Jack. How am I supposed to live my life without you? It’s not fucking fair! It’s not! How dare you think it’s’ okay for you just to waltz out of my life like it’s no big fucking deal.”
Alex wasn’t just talking anymore, he was shouting, shouting at Jack. “I can’t…I can’t do this, Jack. I can’t. You kept me sane, you kept me going!” Alex fell over onto his side and let the tears cascade down. “Come back…Jack, please…come back…”
His voice was now a mere whisper. He adjusted himself on the ground and heard a rustling in his jacket. It was then that he remembered that Jack gave him a letter.
Alex sat back up immediately and rushed to take out the paper. His fingers were shaking; they were red and aching to touch Jack one more time. Alex opened the letter and began to read.

My darling, Alex.

If you are reading this this now then…well we both know why. There is only one thing I ask if you are in fact reading this, don’t you ever forget about me. Don’t you dare forget our first kiss on your back porch.

Don’t forget the recipes under the shelf, my mom would be thoroughly upset if you didn’t continue eating my delicious food. Don’t forget the way my hand fit perfectly in yours. The way our fingers intertwined like a jigsaw puzzle.

Don’t forget that you need to pick up your dry cleaning on Mondays . The charge for it being there is ridiculous anyway, I have no idea why you go there anyway. Don’t forget that when you brought me to the stage were we first performed you said, “If we ever make it big, we have to go half on everything.”

You cocky, bitch. What if it was just you? WOULD YOU STILL GIVE ME FOOD AND PORN? Ha. In all seriousness, I could never forget that moment because that was the day I fell in love with you. Your stupid hair, eyes, skin, face, everything.

Even the way you played guitar. And god, the way you sang that night was so unreal. You were just SO into playing that night, it was like your voice had so much more meaning to it. I just knew that I had to have that voice, that boy, mean something to me.

He had to be mine. I know this letter sounds like something out of the fucking Notebook but…you needed to have this. I know you, Alex. If I’m right, you’re just standing in our bedroom staring at our bed picturing me there, trying to remember. Am I right?

If you take anything from this letter I hope it’s this:
- Do not hurt yourself. Your body is too precious and beautiful for such harm.
- No drinking. None, Alex. I mean it. Nothing, nada, zip. I know you, once you start going you won’t stop.
- Please eat. For the love of god, please. I don’t care what or how much just at least eat something once a day for now. Fuck, it can be a piece of bread or a cracker. I don’t care, just EAT!
- Go out, hangout with Zack, Rian, Matt, Vinny, etc. They are hurting too, even though you don’t think they are hurting as much as you, they probably aren’t but they lost a friend. They don’t want to lose another because he’s too upset to come out. So please, if you won’t go out, have them come over at least once a week, hm?
- Sing, Alex, sing. You have a gift that the world needs to hear. Don’t you DARE stop singing or playing the guitar. If you do I will come down from heaven and haunt the shit out of you.
- Remember me. Don’t you ever, ever forget about me.

Even though I’m no longer here, I’ll always be with you in your heart, mind, and soul. Sure, it’s corny but you know it’s true. Don’t you dare think it’s not. I love you, Alex. I always will. You were my first and only true love. You mean everything to me and always will. You are a precious human who I adore with all my little heart. You are incredible.

Yes, you are.

You inspire our fans every day because of how strong you are. Think about that. Of all the thousands of fans we have, they are here for you.

Mere strangers, willing to be there to get anything for you. Want to know why? Because they see what I see. A caring, beautiful, kind, inspirational, talented, gorgeous man who loves a poor slob like me.

For one last time, don’t you forget every kiss, every hug, every touch, every breath, and every time I said I your name. I’ll be waiting for you in your dreams every night.

Always.

Close your eyes, fall asleep, I’ll be there. I wish there was more I could say but this had to be without a doubt the hardest thing I had ever wrote.

I will love you until the end of time. My one true love, my best friend.

Never forget me, darling.

“Life’s greatest tragedy is not that it will someday end, but that most only live to follow directions and sometimes we end up totally lost.” – Alex Gaskarth

I was never lost, life led me straight to you, home.

Jack

Alex let out more sobs while clutching onto the letter for dear life. His whole world was crashing down on him the one he loved dearly was snatched away from him far too quickly. But yet, there was a certain feeling of hope in Alex’s future, he knew it.