The Lovers Have Lied

tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone.
the worst is over; you can have the best of me.
we got older, but we’re still young.
we never grew out of this feeling that we won’t give up.

“She’s really cute though. Looks just like you,” continued Patrick.

“She actually looks a lot more like her father.” I thought about adding in “I mean, like you”, but I didn’t. Wrong time. He didn’t respond to my father comment for a minute. After a moment of awkward he squeezed me tight with both arms.

“My God you’re a mommmmmm,” He whined. “I’m so never gonna get my head around that.”

“Is it that weird?”

“Kinda…I guess…I mean, last time I saw you, you were my girlfriend, a senior, and now you’re a mom.”

“You think it’s weird now,” I stood up and picked up a pillow, stuffing it under my sweatshirt. “Try looking at me like this for nine months.” I pushed my hips out trying to make my fake baby bump look bigger. He barely laughed, but stared carefully at my stomach.

“Is it weird that I really wish I had been able to?”

“…It’s not not weird.” I shrugged, channeling JD from Scrubs. He caught the reference and laughed.

“This is definitely not the situation I was expecting to come home to,” he mused.

“How do you mean?” I asked, pulling the pillow out of my shirt and sitting crossed-legged back on the couch.

“This may sound pretty dick, but there was this little piece of me that was hoping we could just…pick up where we left off. Because God…I never stopped thinking about you, Heather. I never stopped missing you, never stopped wanting to talk to you, see you, touch you, I knew it wasn’t gonna just…be like I never left, but I was hoping it’d be easier than it’s gonna be, if it’s gonna happen at all.”

“Cassidy complicates things,” I summarized.

“Well, I mean, can you honestly look me in the eyes and tell me that it doesn’t?” I laughed.

“Patrick, I’m honestly having trouble looking you in the eyes at all. It’s…really weird.”

“Why?” Because I feel guilty. Because I let you leave me alone while I was carrying your child and I can’t believe you’re back to catch me red handed. I can’t look at you because I’m a shameful whore.

“I…don’t know. It’s just…seeing you again. It’s a little overwhelming. Is that weird?” He took one of my hands and laced it with his, and took his other hand and placed it on my cheek. He smiled as he watched my eyes close, remembering his touch. When he spoke, his words came whispering from very close to my face.

“It’s not not weird.” And before I even had time to laugh, I was silenced with a kiss. He didn’t try to hide his nervous hesitation, but within seconds he intensified, as he remembered he was in familiar territory; that he already knew everything about me. He knew exactly how to kiss me, exactly where to touch me, and that I knew all the same facts about him. There was a specific vulnerability in this kiss; the fact that we both knew so much just completely opened ourselves up, leaving our bodies to one another’s mercy. I didn’t even know it had happened and he had scooted closer to me, and had a cold shaking hand just inside my shirt. I grabbed his wrist and reluctantly moved his hand. I pulled our lips apart and caught my breath. I was dizzy, not from lack of oxygen, but excess of adrenaline. It was too much, too fast. His eyes were closed, his mouth still poised, waiting for mine to return.

“I should um…” I stood up. “I need to go check on Cassidy.” And I speed-walked upstairs without a single look back, for fear I might run back to the couch and have him take me right there; where we had our first time.