Disenchanted

“So, you and William are moving in together?” Alicia asked me, teasingly.
I laughed and shook my head at her. We were at a McDonalds, Alex was in the playground while Alicia and I were drinking coffee and catching up. The boys were busy with band stuff, and I needed some girl time so Alicia suggested going out.
“It’s not like that. With you guys taking off for your tour, I needed the help with rent. Will’s lease was up and we get along good. Alex loves him and Will knows how to take care of him. It all works out. Just means we won’t have a spare room anymore,” I explained.
“You two seem pretty chummy… Is there anything going on between you two?” Alicia asked.
I shook my head.
“No, Will’s just my best friend. He’s helped me out with a lot, particularly when I left Aaron…” I trailed off.
Alicia looked at me with a curious and a concerned expression.
I wanted to talk about it, but talking about it made me feel terrible. I still felt so guilty about our split.
“Hey, if you ever want to talk about it… You know I’m here for you, I won’t even tell Mikey,” Alicia assured me.
I took a deep breath.

“He did love me, and completely adored Alex. I can never doubt that,” I began.
“We met at therapy, as you know, he was the first person I felt anything towards. He had gorgeous eyes, as green as anything. I remember the first time he looked at me and gave me a smile. I had just come out of my therapy session and… we had been talking about my relationships. She wanted me to expose myself more, touch other people. That sort of thing. I thought she was being ridiculous and when I left I was in a terrible mood. I wanted to just go home and wallow instead of dealing with these stupid things she wanted me to do. But then, as I walked out this guy with these bottle green eyes and long, sandy blonde hair looked at me… and he smiled at me. His teeth glinted slightly and all of a sudden I felt my heart race and my face burn red. I ducked back behind my hair and scurried off. In all honesty, he had scared me.”

I laughed, mostly to myself, at the thought—and the truth behind that statement.
“Imagine that, being so messed up that a guy smiling at you sends you into overdrive and scares you,” I snorted in disbelief.
Alicia sat there quietly, just listening and giving me a compassionate look.

“Anyhow, he was in therapy for anger issues, we had group sessions. I had been suffering from random outbursts, while he was just constantly angry. We were forced to talk about our issues in a sessions and then one day our therapist made us separate and talk to each other about it… Aaron and I ended up paired together. He had a rather different approach to talking about it. We ended up yelling at each other, screaming our hearts out until it evolved.”
Alicia raised her eyebrow at me suggestively. I gave her a sheepish look.
“I threw the first punch.”
Alicia’s eyebrows skyrocketed while her mouth dropped.
“Shut the front door!” she hissed in shock.
I just shrugged.
“He purposely egged me on, he admitted it after our therapist separated us. It… worked, surprisingly. He gave me his number and told me to call him if I ever need to talk or punch things out. I called him about three days later, needing to scream. He came around, took me out to a park and gave me two towels to wrap around my hands. He wrapped two around his hands and then encouraged me to punch his hands. It was the poor mans boxing set, he said. I punched him for probably a good half hour before I stopped, and I cried,” I paused for a moment and sucked on my lip, thinking.
“He held me, and comforted me. It was the first time since New Jersey that I allowed myself to be held like that. He was… a God-send. He sped my therapy along so fast… I would probably still be in therapy if it wasn’t for him,” I admitted.

I couldn’t believe how in detail I was talking about this, but, I needed to talk and now I couldn’t stop talking about it. It was coming out like word vomit.

“We started dating not much longer after that. He took me to the Pier for our first date… and it was, amazing. He took me on the Ferris Wheel and he even got the guy to stop it at the top and he kissed me. It was such a… a cliché moment… but it was amazing…”
I got lost in the memory for a moment and it was almost as if I could feel the gondola swaying beneath my feet and smell the water of Lake Michigan. I felt a small lump in my throat and my eyes started to burn as I felt my heart constrict. I had loved Aaron, I really had.
I opened my eyes and a small tear escaped.
“I loved Aaron. I really did, he was so sweet and amazing to me… I mean, we got married! We had Alex together… I really did want us to be a family. Aaron loved Alex so much, it was like… he had been blind, and he could see again. That’s how much he cherished Alex. I knew I was second; Aaron was second for me once Alex came,” I explained, starting to get a bit distressed.

“Hey, hey, I’m not doubting you Bells, I know you love him. I can see it. You don’t need to get upset,” Alicia soothed me, placing her hand on mine.
I took a deep breath and used my other hand to wipe away the tears that had sneaked out.
“Right... Of course. Sorry,” I mumbled.
Alicia gave me an encouraging smile.

“He took me back to that Ferris Wheel to propose to me, eight months later. Like I told you the other week, Bob was furious. He wanted me to finish my therapy before I got married. My Aunt wanted me to spend some time just being myself before committing myself to someone. They liked Aaron, but they wanted the best for me. Thinking back on it now, I would probably agree with them. God knows if Alex came up to me when he was twenty saying he was getting married, I’d have a heart attack,” I laughed softly.

“We got married about a month later, and two months later I finished therapy. I never worked for any of that time. Aaron had a well-paying job and he wanted me to have the freedom to do whatever I wanted. He had already bought himself a small apartment which I moved into, so there was no rent to worry about and he always covered the bills. He gave me an allowance each week and I went out. I made friends, I socialised, while getting groceries and doing all the stuff around the home. It worked for us. I enjoyed having that freedom. I needed it, after doing everything back in Jersey, I needed the break. He understood and just when I felt like it was time for me to be entering the work force again, I fell pregnant with Alex.”

“He was fantastic with me when I was pregnant. He refused to let me do anything. It got mildly annoying, I’ll admit. But he did it all with the best intentions. Nine months later Alex came and… it was incredible. The love that surged through my body after hearing him cry for the first time was unbelievable. I have honestly never loved anyone or anything more than I love Alex. Aaron was completely enamoured by him as well; and there began my career as a stay at home mother. I loved every second of it. I loved feeding him, changing him, bathing him… Everything changes when you have a kid, and I would never change anything. I would always choose to have Alex, regardless of anything that happened,” I said firmly.

Alex was my entire world. He was everything to me. To think of never having him was to think about taking away my heart.
“Do you remember me telling you about my friend and her daughter, who got murdered in a home invasion?” I asked Alicia.
She nodded.

“That was when it all changed. Aaron started to worry, they had actually lived in the same building, just a couple of floors below us. Aaron would call, five times a day to check up on us. He set up an alarm on our door. He bought me a new phone, but with GPS so he could always track me, in case of abduction. I mean, it all sounds harmless, but that was just the beginning. He would watch the tracker on my phone and he would call me if I was somewhere new or unknown to him. I started to get frustrated by it. That led to arguments, we would end up screaming at each other and the neighbours would have to bang on our door to ask us to shut up. It used to wake Alex up and he would scream his head off for hours after, which gave us headaches and made us crabby to one another.

“He then started to worry about me going to normal places and started to do the shopping on the way home from work so that I wouldn’t get followed home. He started doing checks on every single person I was friends with. If he found someone he didn’t like or was suspicious of, he would bully me into not talking to them. He would organise it so that I was unable to go out with friends, he started to get worried about any male friends that ever took one seconds interest in me. I couldn’t handle it. I went from having total freedom to basically none…” I had a frown on my face and I was wringing my hands.
Alicia looked shocked by what I was telling her and I hadn’t even finished.

“Then began the last year of being with him. He put an alarm on the outside of the door, so I couldn’t get out and no one could get in, except for him. He stopped me from talking to anyone and… his anger issues came back. I can’t remember the amount of times he became absolutely enraged. I would be with Alex and he would bust in, rip Alex out of my arms just to scream at me. These were a couple of times where he punched a hole in the wall just to let out his frustrations.”
Alicia looked completely horrified at what I was saying.

“I remember one day, I snuck out. I didn’t take my phone, just Alex and my purse and went down the goddamn fire escape. We went to the park and… I was free. I lay there on the ground and played with Alex all day. I actually lost track of time and when I realised what the time was, I raced back home to find Aaron waiting for me. He was so angry… We had to replace the bathroom wall because he hit it so many times… After that I didn’t dare go outside. I was afraid. Aaron had never actually hit me, but I didn’t want to provoke him. I suppose it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. The next step for him was to ‘prepare’ me…”
Alicia was speechless. I looked at her and shook my head.

“I repeat, he never hit me, ever… but, he wanted me to be ready for whatever was to happen. He scared the absolute crap out of me the first night. I was cooking in the kitchen and he snuck up behind me and grabbed me, whirled me away, pushed me against the cupboard and held a goddamn knife to my throat. I honestly thought I had done something to push him over the edge and he was going to kill me. I remember crying and Alex crawling into the kitchen. I begged him not to kill me in front of Alex, I remember pleading for it. I heard Alex start to bawl and I guess that got to him because he put the knife back and then grabbed Alex, grabbed me and just held us; muttering under his breath that he just wanted to keep us safe. I was shaking so bad, I nearly fell to the floor.
“He didn’t do it again for a while, but the next time he did it, I was in Alex’s room. He came up behind me and, I think he had a towel or a pillow case or something, and he looped it around my neck. He didn’t pull too hard, I’ll give him that much credit. Just enough to make it more difficult to breathe and scare me. He started to do it more frequently, and never when I’d expect it. He got tired of me crying though and started to yell at me again. He would shout for me to hit him, to fight back. I thought he was being stupid. But then one time he ambushed me again, but he was also talking the same as an invader would and about everything he would do to me and Alex and I snapped. I threw my head back into his face and I nearly broke his nose. But he was happy that I was fighting. He then proceeded to teach me some moves I could use to defend myself in that situation.”

“Holy shit, Bells… He’s a fucking psycho…” Alicia said softly.
I frowned and chewed on my lip while shaking my head slowly.
“He was trying to protect me. That’s all he ever wanted to do. It did help though. Eventually I was able to hear him coming and able to fight back against him. He did what he aimed to do. I can now protect myself. He only ever wanted me to be safe, and, I was,” I defended Aaron.
“Bells, he locked you in an apartment and would attack you; that is not love. Love was there in the beginning, but then it changed into obsession and possession… Mikey loves me and he would never do anything like that to me,” Alicia persisted.
“It’s twisted, I know… but in his own way it was Aaron showing his love and care for me,” I rebuked firmly.
Alicia just shook her head.
“So, how did you get away anyhow? Aaron didn’t exactly make it easy,” Alicia inquired.
I looked down at my hands, they had a slight tremor to them and I squeezed them together to stop it.

“I think about December last year he attacked me in the shower. I slipped and fell, cracked my head on the taps I think. Aaron had to rush me to hospital for stitches. It was then I think I realised how dangerous Aaron was becoming and that I needed to escape. So, I waited a month, I slowly packed away some stuff and hid it. I tried to get as much money as I could packed away and one day I grabbed Alex, our stuff, left the phone and went down the fire escape. It was the only exit Aaron couldn’t seal. I went to the nearest pay phone and called Bob. Told him I needed a place to stay and I would explain more in the car and he agreed. I then told him where to meet me and hung up. I cleaned out my bank account and closed it before disappearing. Bob picked me up and I explained to him everything and he dropped me off at a friend of his. He said it wasn’t safe for me to come home for a little while yet, to which I agreed,” I finished.

“Wow… Your life should be a movie, that is some crazy shit there,” Alicia whistled.
I gave her a smile.
“That’s how I met Will. He was the friend Bob dropped me off at,” I said.
“Wow… Did he ever try to find you?” she asked.
“Bob told me that about two hours later Aaron came banging on the door, looking for Alex and I. He would come around several times a week for a couple of weeks before he stopped. I spent another month or so, cooped up at William’s, but it was different. I had company and I didn’t have to watch over my back every second. Although I think I gave Will a heart attack the first time he came up behind me,” I laughed.
Alicia chuckled as well.
“What did you do?” she asked, her eyes twinkling with mischief.
“I whirled around, throwing my right elbow into his jaw and immediately following I punched him in the gut with my left hand,” I admitted, sheepishly.
“Oh, I so want the boys to try and sneak up on you!” Alicia laughed.
I gave her a grin.
“They wouldn’t,” I replied cheekily.
She chuckled again, before looking over to see Alex still playing.
“Has this affected Alex at all? Anything lasting?” she asked curiously.
“He has nightmares and night terrors. I can never distinguish one from the other. They’re usually about me and Aaron. There is nothing I can do, but he gets so upset by them that he makes himself sick and I am literally the only person who can soothe him afterwards,” I answered quietly.
“I’m so sorry… He’s such a sweet kid,” Alicia murmured.
I smiled with pride.
“He is the greatest thing to have ever happened to me. I would go through it all again for him,” I said.
Alicia looked at me and smiled.
“You are a terrific mother, I hope you know that…” she said sincerely.
I gave a small shrug and a smile.
“I will be now that I’ve got the money for him,” I responded.
“Money doesn’t mean everything, it’s about who’s there and who cares for you the most. Who does the tough things and makes the hard decisions for the good of the child,” Alicia disagreed.
I simply shrugged.

“So I hear Mikey wants to throw a party?” I asked Alicia, changing the subject.
She rolled her eyes good naturedly.
“Those boys always want to throw a party. ‘Woo! Some game came out! Let’s party!’ ‘Woo! We’re going on tour! Let’s party!’ ‘Woo! We’re on tour! Let’s party!’… It’s ridiculous, but I love them, they keep things interesting,” Alicia sighed.
“Well tell them to hold it on Friday night, I don’t work Fridays, and I’ll see if Patty can watch Alex for the night. Alex and her little boy get on really well so it usually works out good,” I mused.
“Anyway, I think I need another coffee, would you like one?” I asked, getting up.
“That sounds great, thanks,” Alicia replied.
“Coming right up,” I responded cheerfully, walking back in.