Disenchanted

After I had my shower I cleaned myself up, changed and cleaned the vomit out of my shirt as best I could. I hung it up over the door of the shower and walked back into the bus. Everyone was still sleeping so I made my way to the front and grabbed my wallet before stashing my bag under a chair. I stepped off and walked in the general direction Gerard and Joe went, hoping that I would see them.
Thankfully, they were sitting in the window of a coffee shop just over the road. I smiled and quickly crossed the road and joined them.
“Hey, I’m just gonna grab a coffee and then I’ll be right over, okay?” I said to Gerard and he nodded, not looking up from the table.
I put my hand on his shoulder comfortingly and then walked up to the counter.
“Hi! How can I help you!” the girl behind the counter asked cheerfully.
“I’d like a mocha please, perhaps with a bit of extra chocolate,” I told her and she smiled.
“Of course!” she chirruped.
She rang it up and told me how much it was. I gave her the money and stepped aside to wait. I looked back over Joe and Gerard and it seemed like they were getting on okay. Joe didn’t appear to be upset with Gerard which was a relief.
“Here’s your coffee darl!” the girl called out to me.
I thanked her and took the coffee from her and walked over to the two men.

“Okay, now that I have my caffeine I’m good,” I interjected, sliding in next to Gerard. He obligingly slid over for me and gave me a weak smile.
I responded by giving him a big warm smile and slurping on my coffee.
“I was just asking Gerard about how it got this way, would you have any ideas?” Joe asked.
I looked over at Gerard and he stayed stubbornly mute, looking at his coffee.
“Gee, you need to talk about this. I can’t do it, because you’re the only one that knows what spins around that brain of yours,” I pressed.
He sighed and chewed on his lip.
“Gee, I have to go home in a couple of days. I have to make sure you’re going to be looked after when I leave,” I pleaded with him.
His mouth twitched and he looked up at me, somewhat forlornly.
“Yeah. You have a kid and a job and a home… And you’re wasting your time with me,” he muttered.
I sighed and looked at Joe apologetically. He just shrugged.
“Gee. You said it yourself, those kids look up to you… If you’re not going to do it for yourself, for me or for the band, why don’t you do it for them? Show them that it’s okay. It’s okay to be depressed. It’s okay to seek help. That would speak more to them, than prancing on a stage,” I persisted, swapping tactics.
Gerard frowned and twisted his hands and then looked up at Joe and I.

“It… it started after Elena,” he whispered.
I gave a small sigh of relief and nodded encouragingly at him as he hesitated and his eyes flickered to me.
“I just got so upset… She… She…” he was trying to contain himself, I knew.
I just took his hand in mine. He squeezed it hard and looked at me.
“You know how she was,” he whispered. “She bought us our first van so we could tour. She taught me to paint, to sing, and she saved me.”
I nodded, trying not to frown in sadness.
“I am so sorry that you lost her Gee,” I murmured and I felt his hand start to tremble slightly.
“Anyway, i-it was just drinking and a bit of weed then. It just… helped me cope. Cope with the loss of her. Bert would bring it over and I would just… I wold feel okay. Then I’d come down and I’d feel worse, so I took some more,” Gerard said quietly.
I could feel the shame rolling off him in waves.
“Then I just… I just felt like I couldn’t cope with anything… I couldn’t do anything without being high… and it just… everything got worse. All the kids were telling us how we saved their lives and how much we meant to them and how they looked up to us and… I… I started to feel like I couldn’t breathe. That’s when Bert brought over some blow. It made me… I felt… amazing. I felt like I could do it. I could do anything I wanted,” he explained.
“I could be who they needed me to be. The hero, the saviour of the damned,” he said softly.
I smiled at him, it was an accurate wording.

“But, it made me do terrible things… I was a horrible person when I wasn’t out there. I-I remember how I treated you, Bells…” he whispered, looking into my eyes, looking absolutely crushed. “I knocked you to the ground, I threw you against things… I basically sexually assaulted you that night… I said so many hurtful things to you… I don’t understand why you are here…”
He looked so remorseful and tortured. I just smiled and quickly pressed a kiss to his forehead.
“You’re leaving out half the story… the other half where I was pretty terrible to you too. I hit you. I shoved you. I yelled just as many hurtful things as you did. Plus I manipulated you with my feminine wiles,” I reminded him.
He shook his head.
“I started it. Always. Plus you just hit me because I insulted your family… and you stopped me from getting killed by those bouncers. You made me get medical treatment… you cleaned me up and cleaned my clothes… You’ve always taken care of me when I’ve needed you…” he trailed off.
I smiled at him and then sighed.
“I can’t let someone get killed on a sidewalk, or sleep with their head in a toilet. That’s what that boiled down to. I also can’t take full credit. I was done a little while ago, but… Mikey begged me. He begged me Gee. He told me it wasn’t you. That all this wasn’t you. He said he couldn’t get through to you, so he asked me to just… not give up on you,” I admitted.
“Mikey?” Gerard asked in shock.
“Yeah. That’s why you should talk to him. He loves you Gee. You’re family,” I said seriously.
Gerard nodded and looked down at our hands.
“It doesn’t feel like it,” he mumbled.
“That’s what family’s like,” I explained to him, with a small laugh.

“So how did it come around that Bells came here?” Joe asked.
Gerard sighed.
“I called her,” he answered.
“I was at work and he called me, but I couldn’t answer so he rang the station where I work, I’m a late night radio presenter,” I explained for Joe’s benefit. “And he just said, ‘Bells… I’m gonna k-kill myself’.” My voice cracked slightly and a slight tremor ran through my hands.
Gerard looked at me in alarm.
I chuckled at him as I felt tears well up.
“You scared me,” I whispered.
He looked down ashamed.
“Anyhow, I just… I couldn’t convince him to talk to anyone and… I-I really thought h-he was gonna do it,” I said shakily.
I will never forget how I felt when he called; the terror that caught my heart in my throat and shook me to my core. A tear slipped out and I hastily wiped it away before turning to Gerard.
“And you asked me if it was okay… You asked me if you could kill yourself! How could you ever think I would be okay with that?” I asked him, trying to hide the hurt in my eyes.
“I… I just… I needed you to… So I wouldn’t feel bad…” he said shamefully.
I shook my head and then turned back to Joe and continued.
“So, I just asked him to hold on. I grabbed some things back home, sorted out my son and jumped on the first flight here. I met a woman on the plane and she drove me here. Said it would be faster than a cabbie,” I kept going.
“I found him slumped in the alcove. I-I…” Tears were slipping freely down my cheeks as I looked to Gerard. “I thought you were dead… You had your bottle of Xanax a-and it was empty and I just… I thought you were dead.”
Gerard looked at me and then hugged me. I gratefully returned it.
“I’m so glad you’re alive…” I whispered.
“I didn’t take the whole bottle. I just took my last couple of pills… Just so I could sleep… I-I didn’t trust myself to stay awake,” he whispered.
I felt a weight lift from my shoulders and I squeezed him tighter, before letting him go and pulling back.

“So, what are we going to do?” Joe asked.
Gerard looked up at him completely lost.
“What do you think Gerard? What has all this shown you?” I asked him gently.
He hesitated and my phone started to buzz. I looked down at it surprised, I had forgotten that I’d even had it, and saw Will was calling. I noticed Gerard frown and I hit mute on my phone and looked back up at Gerard, letting it ring out. Right now, this was more important.
“Aren’t you going to get that?” Gerard asked, a slight bite to his tone.
“Nope. This is more important. What do you think we should do?” I asked him again.
He looked at my phone, at me, at Joe and then back at me.
“I-I… think…” he hesitated. “I think I-I need to quit…”
I smiled at him and gave his hand a squeeze.
“I think that’s a good idea too. You’re going to have to show us where everything is though… We have to throw it out all out,” Joe explained.
Gerard just nodded.
“I know,” he murmured.
He looked at me.
“I want to quit everything. I don’t want alcohol either,” he insisted.
I ran my fingers through his hair.
“I know. We’ll get rid of all that too,” I promised him.
“We’re going to have to tell the rest of the band,” Joe reminded Gerard quietly.
He nodded reluctantly.
“I think it would be a good idea if you saw someone, Gee…” I said quietly.
“You said so yourself, how does talking fix problems?” he scoffed.
“I meant that, just talking wouldn’t help and that’s why I needed Prozac. Plus, how did you expect me to talk when I was a mute?” I laughed softly.
Gerard smiled a little at that.
“So are you ready to start a new chapter, or a new album in life?” I asked him.
He chewed on his lip and frowned. I could see the conflict and fear on his face and I gave him a squeeze.
“You’re not alone, don’t ever think that. You ever need help, you know where to get it,” I reminded him.
He gave me a smile at that and nodded.
“Let’s do it,” he said, standing up.

We walked over to the bus, Gerard had sobered up a bit, thanks to the coffee and I climbed on first, with a tray of coffee.
“EMERGENCY BAND MEETING!” I shouted repeatedly along bunks.
I heard various grunts and noises of pain and Frank was the first to pop his head out.
“Did you—Bells?” he asked in shock.
“What?” I heard Bob say and he poked his head out.
“Emergency band meeting, everyone up now,” I instructed them before walking back out to Gerard.
Within minutes everyone had emerged and were sitting at the table. I handed everyone their coffees and they were quietly slurping them while I waited for Gerard to speak up.
“I… um. Guys… I-I have a problem,” Gerard stuttered.
I saw Mikey’s eyes flicker to me questioningly and I nodded slightly. I saw his eyes light up with hope and the corners of my mouth flickered up.
“I… called Bells last night because… I was going to kill myself,” Gerard had his eyes closed and was forcing out the words.
I placed my hand encouragingly on his back.
“I’m an alcoholic. And… I’ve been doing cocaine. That’s why I’ve been treating everyone so terribly, and I’m… I’m so fucking sorry guys. I’ve let you all down and I’m so fucking sorry…” he apologised, his voice showing how much he really meant it.

The guys looked stunned for a second but then Mikey stood up and embraced his brother.
“We’re here for you,” Mikey said firmly.
Gerard’s arms wrapped tightly around Mikey and his forehead rested on his shoulder. He was muttering something repeatedly to Mikey and Mikey was just soothing him.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I saw it was Will calling again. I put it on mute again and focused back on the boys.
Gerard and Mikey had broken apart and I could see the relief on his face.
“Hey man, what do you need us to do?” Frank asked, a serious look on his face.
“I’m going to ban myself from everything. No more drinking, no more drugs… Nothing,” Gerard said.
“If you won’t drink we won’t either,” Ray said firmly.
Everyone pitched in their agreements and I felt so immensely proud of Gerard and everyone on the bus. Their unrelenting support was something to be commended on.
“Thank you… All of you, I-I really mean it,” Gerard said sincerely.
“Gee, you’re not going queer on us are you?” Frank joked.
Gerard give Frank the finger.
“Fuck you too,” he laughed.
I hadn’t heard Gerard laugh in so long I forgot what it had even sounded like, and I took it as a good sign.

“Gerard! Why don't you do us the honours,” Bob said, handing him a beer can.
I looked at him confused but Gerard just smiled. He took the can and cracked it, then walked over to the sink and poured it out, crumpling the can when it was empty. Bob clapped Gerard on the shoulder and nodded at him, and I then realised what Bob was doing for him. He was giving him power over his addiction. Proving he could do this.
I was then touched on the shoulder and I turned to be engulfed in a hug from Mikey.
“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you,” he murmured over and over.
I squeezed him back.
“Any time, Mikey,” I responded.
“You saved his life, thank you,” he mumbled back.
“He saved mine,” I replied, truthfully.
Mikey just squeezed me tighter.
“Anyway, Will’s called me several times. I’m gonna quickly duck out and call him back, okay?” I said.
Mikey nodded and pulled away. I smiled and patted him on the arm before walking out.

“Hello?” Will’s voice came through.
“It’s Bella,” I answered.
“Jesus Christ! Finally! It’s nearly eleven here! You could have called me when you got off the plane to let me know you were okay!” Will exclaimed.
“I’m sorry, Will, I was just preoccupied,” I apologised.
“Alex freaked when you weren’t home! You didn’t even think of him? I thought you were better than that, Bells,” Will admonished me.
“Excuse me, William!” I hissed, getting a little annoyed with him. “I didn’t purposely forget about anyone, I just knew Alex was in good hands! I was busy over my side trying to stop someone from killing themselves! So I’m sorry if my first priority wasn’t to make sure you knew exactly what I was doing!”
“I… Oh my God, I’m… I’m sorry…” he whispered back.
“Yeah well, next time I tell you it’s an emergency fucking believe me,” I snapped back at him and hung up.
I kicked my foot into the ground in annoyance and took a deep breath. I may have slightly overreacted but I couldn’t help it. It was like talking to Aaron all over again.
I just shook those thoughts from my head and went back onto the bus.