Hallelujah

I ran back into the studio, my car idling quietly out front while I searched for my purse. I could still picture where I left it.

That damn silk and leather black bag was sitting halfway on the arm of the couch in the lounge. I trotted in and grabbed it, but froze suddenly.

I heard music coming from one of the three studios. One of the 'tards must've left the stereo system on again. I rolled my eyes and walked into the red and blue hallway, listening hard to figure out which room the ...I think ballad, or at least it has a slower tempo... music was playing from. I chose studio C, pulling the unlocked door open and stepping into the mixing booth to turn the system off.

Uhm... no. Someone was in there. I gasped and dove to the floor before I could be seen.

I swore quite profoundly at the two angry-looking rug burns now adorning my knees. A pause in the music came, whoever the (male) intruder was, was smart enough to have the stereo remote with them.

The song started over, echoing picked acoustic guitar reverberating around the small soundproof room and probably louder in the other booth. No doubt, this place had some of the best sound quality I'd heard. I got onto my still-burning knees and brought my body up slowly until I could see through the window who was in the recording booth. It probably looked quite comical how careful I was being.

Almost there... My eyes finally reached the level of sight into the next room. And then proceeded to almost pop out of my head.

Holyshitit'sMatt. He was facing left, sitting a little awkwardly on the stool and staring unblinkingly ahead of him. He took a breath and sang, I look my chance and slid over to the wall so I could watch without being caught.

"I think you can do much better than me,
After all the lies that I made you believe.
Guilt kicks in and I start to see,
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be..."

To be honest, his hoarse singing voice was almost a perfect match to the lead slinger of Hinder's (I forgot his name. Which is sad, since I met all of them on several occasions...). I knew who he was singing about. I just wouldn't let it bother me.

Nope, nope, nope.

My heart's already smashed to smithereens, can't get any more pulverized, dammit, it just can't! I even crossed my arms in front of my chest like a stubborn child as he sang, but my face grew less set with every word.

"I told myself I won't miss you,
But I remember
What it feels like beside you.
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes.
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me.."

I seriously thought about exposing myself from hiding... or possibly just running out of here and to my car. I uncrossed my arms resignatedly and looked at my hands. Great, they were shaking like leaves again.

"While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took,
That you were looking for.
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall,
You and me in the dressing room.."

I blinked and turned towards Matt, the thing I'd been trying my best to avoid doing since the song began. He was smiling now. Yes, we had done it in a dressing room. Twice actually, but the second time counted more, since we managed to get kicked out by security. I smiled too, shaking my head at that eventful afternoon. The chorus of the song came again. I tried to tune it out, despite the fact that the words were so clear it hurt and the beat of the base drum hit against the center of my chest. But the next verse hit hard, somehow turning the remnants of my heart to fine grains of powder.

"The bed I'm lying in is getting colder.
Wish I never would've said it's over.
And I can't pretend
I won't think about you when I'm older.
'Cause we never really had our closure.
This can't be the end..."

He looked like he was in pain now, like the words were too true. I was shaking more now, the tremors moving to the rest of my body so it seemed I was shivering violently. I sat down against the wall, sliding heavily to the ground and squeezing my eyes shut in a valiant attempt to escape this feeling, a mixture of guilt, loss, and just pure unadulterated pain.

Why do I still love you? Why?

The electric guitars took their entrance, jarring me slightly and adding that much more power to the song's already incredibly meaningful chorus. I couldn't block out the lyrics. I didn't even try anymore.

"I really miss your hair in my face,
And the way your innocence tastes.
And I think you should know this,
You deserve much better than me.

I really miss your hair in my face,
And the way your innocence tastes.
And I think you should know this,
You deserve much better than me.
And I think you should know this,
You deserve much better than me."

My bleeding heart pounded in my chest and I realized I'd been holding my breath. I took a quiet gasp. I stood up slowly, checking again to see where Matt was staring. My breath caught in my ragged throat. He was staring directly at me. He and I both jumped in surprise. I yelped and ran out of the booth, through the narrow hallway and out the door before I could even think.

That wasn't supposed to happen. But then again, I guess there's no way this can get worse, more confusing, or any more blindingly painful.

Right?
Please tell me it's so. I don't think I can stand much more of this.

Please.