Hallelujah

I walked into the empty mixing booth, the thick black egg carton door closing behind me with the smallest of clicks, and sat in one of the two oversize office chairs in front of the large many-faceted device. A mixing board... I think. I saw a computer, the stand-by light blinking lime green occasionally. There really wasn't anything of interest to me in here; I'd come only to escape the raucous music, laughter, and overall well-being of the group I'd resumed being a part of. And Brian, for right now. It's not nice when you hear people doubting you. Especially if you happen to be doubting yourself as well. I spun myself around in the chair to face the blank computer screen before the ringing silence could seize it's opportunity to drive me the rest of the way insane. I picked up the ellipse of a white mouse and stopped for a moment, releasing it from my grasp with distaste.

"Ew, a Mac..." I muttered. Yeah, I'm almost weird enough to let my aversion of the Apple company (save for the iPod and iTunes) keep me from using a computer. I mean really, who can stand not having a fucking right-click button? I sighed, my curiosity winning the mental argument, and picked up the mouse again, shaking it a bit against the desktop to wake up the sleeping computer in front of me. A page lit up the screen. It looked to be the program that held the master copies of all the new songs for the band, though only one took my attention. "Unnamed" it said, though it was the duration of the song I found most intriguing; only 1:50. Most Avenged Sevenfold songs were at least four to five minutes long... Regardless of the length, I clicked the song anyway.

The sound of acoustic guitars filled the soundproof room, a southwestern theme clearly evident. I smiled. The track hadn't even been mixed yet. It was live. I felt like a spy behind enemy lines picking up top secret information. I came back to the music, realizing the lyrics had began.

Yeah, you've been alone,
I've been gone for far too long.
But with all that we've been through
After all this time I'm coming home to you.

Never let it show
The pain I've grown to know.
'Cause with all these things we do
It don't matter when I'm coming home to you.

My eyes were as wide as saucers as the realization came over me. He wrote this about me. Goosebumps erupted all over my skin. This was even more of a shock than yesterday...

I reach towards the sky
I've said my goodbyes,
My heart's always with you now.
I won't question why so many have died,
My prayers have made it through yeah.
'Cause with all these things we do
It don't matter when I'm coming home to you.

The short yet meaningful song ended with a fading chord, leaving me yet again in that dreadful empty air, with of course, that new feeling of complete shock added to the pile of emotions leaning towards squashing my incoherent brain like a cockroach.

"I penned that the week after you left," I jumped and almost fell out of my seat, clutching my chest to keep my heart from exploding. I turned around to see a very subdued-looking Matt staring calmly back at me from his spot leaning against the closed door.

"Fucking ninja!" I accused, my voice barely above a hiss, the pounding of my heart finally subsiding to something as close to normal as it would allow with my ex still in the room. Matt found his way over next to me and sat down with a sigh, wondering quietly,

"So, what do you think?" ...About what? My struggle to pull away from you despite the fact that even the mere thought of it makes my heart ache? What about the fact that I'm mad at Johnny, still completely pissed at GTS, and fucking suicidal about how I was treating Brian? I pretended as though I hadn't heard his query and said,

"What was that?" with my emerald eyes averted to the second black treble slider on the mixing board. He leaned his sculpted arms against the bottom of the stainless steel board and repeated,

"The song, what are your thoughts on it?" Truth or lie, truth or lie? I weighed the choices nonchalantly in my head, deciding after a few seconds of keeping him waiting that maybe honesty would be nice for once. Lies were more tiresome than thinking. I nodded to myself and turned toward him, to peer into his unreadable eyes.

"I absolutely love it," I whispered, watching as a small smile curled his lips and a wave of relief passed through his eyes, causing them to sparkle brilliantly. My heart fluttered in my chest again and I broke the eye contact suddenly, before I'd do something else I'd regret. Instead, I looked at my hands, seeming small and fragile in comparison to the large ones belonging to the man next to me. It suddenly reminded me of the times my estranged father and I would go out on visitation, never talking much, awkwardness and a bout of hand-staring always ensuing, my nine-year-old hands next to his seemingly mammoth-sized tan and hairy ones.

About a minute we stayed like this, silent and unmoving in the soundproof room, the sound of my own heart beat in here was almost deafeningly loud. I was thinking hard about what I wanted to say. There was just so much... but most of which could harm most everything I'd managed to fabricate in that eternity. I gave up and decided to try to get the courage to at least acknowledge Matt. My head turned toward him again, without my permission, and I stared again into his deep hazel eyes. No matter how much I could pretend to hate him, his eyes made me guilty and my heart break. I got suddenly needy. A small voice in my head hissed at me, told me it was a huge mistake to come back, to get wrapped up in something I should have been over even before I left the first time... In a resigned way, I stated I needed a hug badly. A smirk lingered on his face. He answered me,

"Then come over here and get your fucking hug," I smiled a bit. Yeah, it was still the same boistrous Matt I'd flirted conspicuously with at a Las Vegas meet-and-greet almost four years ago. I stood up from my chair and moved myself over to where he was, hesitating marginally before taking a chance by sitting sideways on his lap, wrapping my arms around him in embrace. I felt warmth wash over me as he returned the favour, holding my body tight against his. I sighed imperceptibly and relaxed my head against his neck, noted again how enchanting he smelled. In New York, I'd dreamt of that musky smell without fully recollecting what it was. This was one of those perfect moments you wish for. No words were needed. I'm not sure exactly what the moment represented either. Maybe it was just too complicated to explain. All I knew was that it'd been the first time I'd been perfectly at ease in the longest time.

I felt his lips press gently against the top of my head as he played with the white-blonde locks of my hair. He maneuvered back in the chair so I was lying on him more. I swear I could have fallen asleep right on top of him without a second thought, I was so comfortable, a palpable grin adorning my face and warming me further. His lips were against my forehead now. He was being so sweet right now it caused my heart to break even more, the pieces seeming to splinter in my chest. Against all orders in my brain, I tilted my head further upward to be kissed, my eyes still closed. It felt as though a feather of breath had brushed against my nose. I knew how close his face was to mine. A small peck on the lips was all I received before I heard his hoarse whisper,

"I care about you so much, Cate, I don't think I could stop if I wanted to," My eyelids shot open. Those had been the exact words I'd been praying he'd never say. We were with other people that were better for us. We shouldn't even be close to being this close... I bit my lip and stared into his tender eyes. A song popped momentarily into my head, the lyric it possessed hitting me harder than I'd hoped it could.

Because days come and go,
But my feelings for you are forever...

One last kiss,
Before I go.

I came back, again fully aware of the proximity, his deep, even breaths making me slowly rise and fall against him, the beating of his strong heart against my own, the soothing warmth of our body heat mingling, the unreadable look on his face. We both went for it at the same time. Just soft, indulgent, perfect kiss after perfect kiss. Why couldn't this moment just stay frozen in time?; Leave us alone in a flawed, close to soundless version of heaven.