Hallelujah

Matt ended up only staying over for about ten minutes. Just long enough to give me rug burn and get both of our shirts off. But..

Again, he left me.

Again, he didn't turn back. (Which is really starting to piss me off by the way...)

Again, I was guilty.

Here's a great question, then why the fuck are you doing this? Not only is it hurting you, but it'll murder Brian when he finds out. And you know he will sooner or later.

"Oh, would you stop being right already? I'm really getting tired of it." I preferred to talk out loud to the crazy when no one else was around. I'd held entire conversations with that voice before. Which basically makes me insane, not that that's at all a new development. "If I'm so crazy, why do either of them like me at all?"

Cause you have a nice smile and big tits.

"Thank you?" Not a compliment. "Oh, then fuck you," I'm a voice, therefore that's impossible. Not to mention disgusting...

I got up from my chair, tired of hearing the ocean, reason with myself, and attempting to forget it all. Brian would be home in.. Three hours or so. "What are you, a clock too?" There's one right next to your head, dumbfuck. "Oh..."

The house itself held a surreal sheen because of the mid-day sun, I noticed as my feet thumped mutely against the cold hardwood floors. I loved this place, but is it too much to ask for it to feel like home? It still seemed like Matt's house was mine, even if Val lived there again. Maybe I wouldn't mind if Val would stop giving me strange looks, these odd tight smiles you give senile old people when they ask you what your name is 4 times. I thought this as my feet took me up the stairs, taking me back to the guest bathroom where I could bang my head against the tile and possibly decide something. Or just stay in this annoyingly childish limbo-land. It's fun to watch you go back and forth between them like a ball during a tennis match. I wouldn't allow the voice the luxury of an answer this time around. Instead I focused on the girl who had appeared directly in front of me, sneering and crossing her arms as I crossed my own. I knew her well.

"I hate you," I said with a tight smile, staring at the stupid, stupid girl in heels and an overtight tank top before me.

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" I hissed. "Could you look any more like a sad-faced bitch?" She made no sound, didn't move out of line, she didn't even giggle or flip the bleach blonde hair out of her lying eyes. She didn't tell me I was a fat whore, she didn't say I was a horrible person. She didn't even snort at me. After all, what was the point of telling me this? I already knew anyway.

All she did was stare with her big, green, heavily outlined eyes, while I stared back. This girl had a nerve, looking at me with such disdain. This girl was lucky, for she was and always would be imprisoned behind the looking glass.

The person I hated was myself.

I slid down onto the floor and stared at my manicured toenails and suddenly wished I was no longer here. I made mental note to call Aria when I got out of this room. Maybe I could sneak back before I caused any real damage.

My eyes slid shut against the harsh light above the mirror, shining red into my vision as I sighed miserably. I sat up and found my iPod where I'd left it on the counter. Flipping to a familiar song and resuming my melancholy wall-staring.

I held onto you for as long as I could but today
You fell away.
Now what I hold are the memories we barely made
I stood on the edge of your bridge until I felt the rain
Wash me away
My confusion left me fast as the vertigo came.

What I believed to be true it was only a dream
Believed in me
I just projected it over your beautiful screen
I self medicated my way through this mess that we made
So I could stay
There was nothing, but I waited
I waited.

This was my mistake
Broken are plans we made
So I will be traveling any place
Cause anywhere's better than
Here we rest in peace
Rubble beneath the feet.

I shouldn't have followed you anywhere
Cause anywhere's better than here.

Where is the space I could move, where could I rest my head
There's nothing left for me here
It's hard to leave behind
The one thing that made me feel alive
So I slide
From paranoid to paralyzed.

This was my mistake
Broken are plans we made
So I will be traveling any place
Cause anywhere's better than here.

This was my mistake
Broken are plans we made
Here we rest in peace
Rubble beneath the feet
I shouldn't have followed you anywhere
Cause anywhere's better than here.

Maybe it was stupid to move here in the first place.