Hallelujah

It was one of those obscenely hot days, the ocean roaring almost as loud as the people around us. I stood still, taking in the unreality of this place, little kids giggling and running by, the music of carnival rides and thunder of metal roller coasters and street vendors yelling about their products to potential but unwilling customers. He stopped with me, the crowd still moving around us on the sun-bleached wood of the boardwalk. It was moderately like being a few pebbles trapped in a stream.

I started walking again, smiling at my steady boyfriend of a year and a month while we enjoyed a day off from tour. The sea sparkled like white diamonds strewn across a blue plain, reflecting off his famous aviator sunglasses.

A large mirror was part of a watergun booth, the yeller trying to corral three more people to join the game. I stopped in front of it as two taller women with longer hair and much smaller waists walked by in only bikinis and flipflops. Usually when this happened it didn't bother me, but my eyes were trained on the mirror version of myself. comparing me to the more beautiful people. My looks came up short. I had the most amazing boyfriend one could ever ask for. But was I happy? Of course not. Instead I took the time to realize I wasn't good enough, that Matt should be with one of those perfect beach bunnies, not me, never me. I felt pressure on my hand, saw Matt's hand tightening on it slightly. I looked up at his face. Though it was mostly deemed unreadable because of the glasses, I noticed he was frowning slightly.

"Why do you do that?" I blinked. He noticed...

"Do what?" He pulled me away from the mirror and we started walking again.

"Compare yourself to everyone so you feel like shit... Even though no one compares to you."

"Matt, stop. I don't compare myself to everyone... And just because you love me doesn't mean all these people think I'm gorgeous too." He huffed and let go of my hand, shaking his head slowly from side to side.

"I really do care about you, but you're so fucking self-conscious all the time. It drives me crazy that you don't see what I do," I shrugged. It wasn't being self-conscious, really. It was miles past that point. Welcome to the land of Self-Hatred, population: One miserable bitch.

"What am I supposed to say to that, Matt? I'm sorry?" He opened his mouth to respond, but I honestly didn't want to hear it. "Whatever... You know what, I think I'll go shoot people instead." I flapped my arm in the direction of the yeller, still attempting to get a few more seats filled in the booth.

"Have fun. Come find me when you stop moping." With that, he walked off sourly toward the end of the pier.

***
I spent about half an hour kicking the asses of all that bothered to play the water gun game, got three stuffed animals (a stuffed pink elephant, a turtle, and a green moldy-looking teddy bear) then got annoyed with trying to carry all three and turned them in for a seven-foot orange salamander. Imagine seeing a short-assed blonde bitch stumbling with a humongous stuffed lizard down a boardwalk, tripping on the tail of it every few steps. Yeah, me in all of my lack of coordination. I found Matt at the very end of the pier, sitting on the railing and staring endlessly at the deep blue ocean. Because he wasn't paying attention, he didn't see my stumbling with a huge stuffed animal, so I made its tail slap him in the face. He jumped in surprise and almost managed to fall off the wooden slats to the shallow water below, muttering swears as I giggled sophomorically, still hugging my prize.

"I see you were busy..." Matt said, shaking his head. I nodded and smiled slightly, sitting on the railing a few feet away from him.

"This thing is way more awesome than you," I mumbled into the salamander. Matt chuckled and answered,

"Well I bet I'm still better in bed." I snorted, putting the mouth of the salamander to my ear and nodding, pretending the lizard was talking. I raised an eyebrow and turned to Matt, saying with a straight face.

"It resents that," He laughed and pulled the salamander away, tossing it on the bleached wood directly behind us.

"You're such a dork, Cate."

"Yeah, but ya love me anyway," I retaliated, mostly to see what he'd say. He moved closer, wrapping an arm around my waist and nodding.

"You're right, I do. And I refuse to be replaced by a stuffed animal!" I giggled and looked back into the calm eyes of my savior, wrapping my hand around his at my waist.

Good, I still got the answer I wanted.

We sat there calmly for a few minutes, I took the time to adjust my sunglasses with one hand in an attempt to block out the light sneaking in from below. I heard some high-pitched giggles from behind us and turned. Those two perfect specimen were back, elbowing each other before waggling their fingers at my boyfriend. Matt did the kind thing and waved back. I turned back to the water and glared at it, trying not to hear their calls of "See ya around, sexy!" while digging my nails into my palms. That horrible cloud of self-hatred was raining on me again, telling me I never deserved to be with anyone, that I should give up on being happy because I'm a miserable bitch at heart. Matt said something, confusion written on his face even with shades on. I shook my head and turned away, realizing nothing could salvage this day.

"Cate, stop fucking pouting already! It's not my fault they followed us, so just stop." Matt spat in my direction. I shrugged and looked at the forlorn neon salamander a few feet below me. A thought popped into my head, something I'd found myself thinking that morning.

No one can have a bad time at Coney Island! Oh, the damn irony...

"Come on, if you're not going to talk to me about this, we might as well just go back to the hotel."

And that's when I woke up again, twitching against the weight on my chest before realizing exactly who was on top of me. I didn't feel guilty, but leave it to my mind to remember before I did why Matt and I hated each other... or more why I'd learned to hate his guts and love him with all my heart simultaneously. I thought for a moment, shifting underneath a deeply asleep Matt in a half-hearted attempt to move him. It worked slightly, for he rolled off and chose to just bear hug me instead. I felt like an overloved teddy bear.

Maybe he'd been too great those first few months, that's why I'd been so surprised when everything we'd worked to create dissolved once I stopped trying to be so perfect and he stopped being so nice.