Hallelujah

The crackling of snow being packed down snapped my mind into half working order, just enough to get me to stand up and stumble over to the passenger side of a black Escalade. My hands couldn't grab the handle to the door. Brian put down the window, a grim look on his face.

"Cady, your purse is still next to the building." I walked back over to the skyscraper and returned to the car, where the door was slightly ajar. He must've leaned over to open it. How nice.

"I'm sorry about all that. I just couldn't stay in his car anymore." I whispered, staring at my snow-covered converses against the posh interior of the car.

"You need to stop doing this, Cate." Brian sounded tired, as though I was becoming a huge, annoying, always-weepy nuisance.

Oh wait, I am.

"I'm sorry," I repeated. There was nothing more I could say. He didn't say anything else. Our silence filled the car as we moved slowly through the slippery, congested streets toward the hotel.

I clenched my teeth to keep them chattering. The heat being on full blast didn't do a thing to warm me. "I think Matt and I are doomed." I said, unsure of what else to say. Brian still didn't respond. I put my hand on his to get him to look at me. He cringed away.

"Fuck, you're cold."

I shrugged, a miserable smile pulling at my cheeks. "I know. My heart's even worse." He shook his head and just stepped out the of car, handing a key to a valet monkey in a velvet jacket once we'd arrived at the hotel. When I managed to catch up to him and his huge stride, he said:

"I'm not done talking to you yet."

I snorted. Something about all this had made me so numb, I could laugh at the ruins of my life, the superhero trying to pull my broken body from the wreckage. I wanted to cry my eyes out, but all that came out was a strangled, vaguely hysterical laugh.

"We're going to my room." He still wouldn't look at me.

"Okie-dokie." I couldn't plead contest, depression made me docile as a lamb. Brian led me toward the elevator, hand on my elbow to make sure I kept up. The silver doors opened to a mercifully empty elevator. We entered.

The elevator was on the outside of the building, the panes blurring into white with the sky as we went up and up. He still had a tight grip on my arm, beginning to cut off the circulation to my hand. I twisted away and just looked at him.

"You look dead," Brian remarked. I nodded, since I sure as hell felt like it too. My left hand moved the hair out of my eyes and Brian caught the frozen fingers, his eyes wide. "Where the fuck is your ring?"

"I took it off, since it doesn't mean anything now..." Tears were threatening me, the numbness and quiet hysteria taken away as easily as it had been given. I wished the tears would stay away until I could be alone.

"Aw, Cady.." He reached in for a hug and I pulled back suddenly, my back hitting the glass with a muffled thump as the doors opened to Brian's floor.

"I don't want anyone's sympathy. Even yours, Bri." Brian looked surprised, as though I should be sobbing into his shoulder by now or something. Though, he'd seemed to hate it on the occasions I'd done so.

"Sorry I'm trying to make you feel better. And honestly, you look like you seriously need the body heat." He looked a little offended. I tried to shrug off his words, feeling guilty as we walked out of the elevator. It's bad to abuse your superhero. Then maybe he won't be so keen to save you from inevitable 'next time.' We got inside the room and he locked the door behind us.

"No, I'm the one who's sorry." I said, plopping down on a white couch in the main room, sucked into the fabric. Damn it, it was going to be hard to get back out... Brian sat next to me, amber eyes curious.

"Sorry about what?"

I leaned back and was further absorbed, stating, "I'm sorry that I always put myself in situations where you have to save me from myself. It's not fair to you, Bri. I don't want you to feel like you have to save me because I'm so fucking helpless all the time." His eyes softened and he reached out to touch me again. This time I didn't bother moving away. His fingers felt unusually warm to my skin as they ghosted over my cheek.

"You know I don't mind saving you," he whispered. "It's not a sign of weakness if you need some help every once in a while." It would've been nice to believe his soft voice, but I wasn't convinced. I was just cold. A strong shiver ran down my spine. I leaned softly against Brian's shoulder and said, defeat clear in my voice:

"I think I'll take that hug now." He smiled a little and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me into his core. I instantly felt a soft wave of heat overcome me, almost pull me into sleep."You're comfy," I muttered into his neck after a long moment of defrosting. I felt, more than heard him chuckle.

"I would hope so."

"Shush, heated pillow." I snuggled into the crook of his neck. "You're not allowed to talk."

"Ah!" he said suddenly, pulling his head away. "Your lips are tickling my neck."

I blinked. "And.."

"And it's making me horny." I rolled my eyes and pulled off of him, returning to my original spot a little warmer, absorbed into the couch, a laugh trying to force its way out.

"Your fault for being a horny bastard." He and Michelle had broken up not too long ago, about two months. He'd yet to find a new girlfriend, but to be nice about it, lets just say he hadn't been anything close to celibate. He'd pick the hottest girl from every city we went to and ...ahem... they'd have fun. Brian laughed, putting his muscular arms across the top of the couch. We didn't talk for a moment and I pulled my engagement ring out of the coat pocket, placing it on the glass coffee table with a clink. We both stared at it as if it would talk back.

I jumped when Brian talked again, having been lost in my own depressed world of memories.

"What are you going to do?"

I shrugged, carefully leaning against his warmth again.

"About what? You mean in general?" I turned to look at him, watching him nod. "I'm.. I'm not sure. If the separation is actually permanent..." Tears stung my eyes again. It was impossible to think that I'd never be with Matt again. He'd been the center of my life for three years; we were going to get married as soon as the tour ended. I felt Brian wipe my tears away, cooing that everything was going to be alright. "No.. No, it's not." I sniffed loudly and rubbed my eyes, swearing once I looked at my hands.

"What?" Brian asked, his voice still gentle. Such softness from him made my chest ache.

"N-nothing. It's just- I smeared all my makeup now." I whined miserably. Brian laughed quietly and kissed the side of my head. I realized he'd moved his arm to around my shoulders. "Oh, that and my world's just collapsed on top of me. But we can ignore that bit..."

"You shouldn't," He said, voice prodding, "If you let it build up, bad things'll happen."

I snorted, giving the man next to me an incredulous look. "Like what? Will I cry myself to death when no one's looking?"

"Uh, no. But.." He thought for a moment, "It's just not good to keep everything in." I rolled my eyes at him again with the smallest hint of a smile. Brian smiled back his dazzling 100-watt one.

"You really do have such a way with words, Bri. But I guess that's why I haven't killed you yet." He blinked, the smile went down a notch.

"Yet?"

I shrugged.
"I'm waiting for you to get really annoying. So far it hasn't happened."

"Oh. Good. I'm pretty sure Matt and everyone else would be a little pissed if you killed me." He actually looked a little worried. I raised an eyebrow.

"Okay. First off, Matt can, as far as I'm concerned, go fuck himself and as many dirty whores as he wants. Second, I could always just make your death look like an accident."

"Oh? And how would you make it look like an accident?" I smiled evilly at him, shaking my head.

"You don't wanna know... Though, one more conspicuous way could always be to get you drunk off your ass and then while you're semi-conscious, castrate you. You'd bleed to death pretty fast. Not to mention, I'd have a very nice souvenir. " He winced badly, looking down at his crotch, just like I'd thought he would.

"Don't think I'm going to let that ..wonderful imagery change the subject." He responded after the moment's wince had passed. Dammit. Usually segues could get him off a topic pretty quickly. Think of a magpie seeing a bag of glitter. Yeah, that easy.

"I really don't want to talk about it with anyone, Bri. Nothing personal." He ran a hand through my hair to mess it up.

"You're going to have to talk about it eventually, Cadybabe, so why not get it over with now?" Brian must keep some extra brains under that fedora.

"Because... I..." I didn't have a reason, so I just stared at his shirt. One of his favourites, 'House of Syn'. "Because I know you're too nice to force me to do things I don't want to do... and because I don't like to cry." I leaned into him a little more and he sighed, though he seemed quite tense.

"Can I ask you a serious question?" he asked. I nodded, eyes closed against his chest. "I want you to look at me." I did so. "Alright, promise not to slap me?" I nodded, leaning my head slightly against the hard bulge of his arm around my shoulders.

"Promise. Now just ask the damn question."

"Okay... When was the last time you and Matt had sex?" I actually had to restrain myself from hitting him, but the promise was kept. Surprising? Yeah.

"Brian!" I felt my face turn a little red. "Why do you have to know?"

"It's a good way to judge how a relationship's going... that and I'm curious." I rolled my eyes, digging my nails into his thigh. He hadn't said anything telling me not to do that.

"Ah! Okay, okay, you don't have to tell me!" I squeezed a little more before taking my hand off, feeling that little mean side of me pushing the weepy side down quite a bit. "Oh god, that hurt like a sonofabitch." While he was preoccupied with rubbing his injured leg, I answered:

"Six months." My face went redder and I looked away, staring at the beige industrial carpet all hotels seemed to have, no matter how expensive they were. I didn't have to see his face to feel his disbelief.

"Really? Six]"
I nodded, face getting ever redder.

"Yep. I honestly thought it was just like that with all couples. You're with someone long enough and you get bored of having sex... Or.. maybe Matt and I are pretty fucked up."

"Damn. I honestly can't believe it's been that long." I shrugged, still unable to face him. "You guys used to fuck like bunnies." I rolled my eyes.

"Can I slap you now?" I had my hand ready. He shook his head, a little grin on his face. "Gah!" I sort of curled into the couch, as far away as I could without getting up. "You see, this is why I didn't want to say anything. It's ridiculously awkward talking to your ..uh... ex.. fiancee's best friend about sex. I know you're a dude, but is that really all guys think about?"

"No. We think about food. And music. Liquor too. "

Not what I wanted to hear. I curled into myself more.

"Cadybear, it was a joke! Relax." He began rubbing my shoulders, kneading out the tension with his long fingers. It felt good enough that I sighed, closing my eyes and leaning into his hands. Brian was the best at making me forget how shitty my life is. When his large hands went suddenly still a few moments later, I protested.

"Hey Cat?" Something in his tone made me turn around, legs akimbo, sitting directly to his side.

"Yeah?"

"I have another question." I sat there staring into his eyes. They were different, deep and serious instead of sparkling with a smile. It bothered me how entrancing they were.

"Shoot."

His voice was quiet, as serious as his eyes. "Do you really love Matt?"

I burst out laughing. This was the easiest question in the world.
"Absolutely, 100%, so sure I could die, yes. He was the first guy I'd ever told I loved and it would be impossible for me not to want to be there for him. No matter how much we fight, how miserable we can be sometimes, I .. I never would want to leave life here." I made a sweeping gesture with my arm, to mean everything that had happened since I met the band. Brian was silent for a long moment, staring at his hands while he thought. I put a hand on his knee and Brian looked up at me, those eyes so deep I wanted to look away, for fear of getting lost in them. "What are you thinking about?"

He was silent a few seconds more then blurted,
"Do you think you're still in love with him?" I opened my mouth to repeat myself, then closed it, opened it again.

Did I? I glanced quickly at the ring sitting on the table, as though it would tell me having worn it for eight months made it any clearer whether I wanted to wear it the rest of my natural life. I know I still cared about Matt a whole hell of a lot, but...

The 'but' is what told me the answer.

"I... I'm not sure anymore.." That brought those tears to overflow again and I closed my eyes, shut away the light from my pain, those bleeding rips in my heart. I wanted to keep all of this emotion in, but the second after I felt Brian's hand caress my face, his soft whisper in my ear:

"It's okay to cry." I sniffled once, my body starting to shake. I opened my eyes and saw Brian waiting, arms open, an unreadable expression written on his face. I let out a shaky sigh. "I'm here for you, Cady." With that I just collapsed into his chest, cried until I couldn't cry anymore. Brian, sweet, sweet Brian, held me the entire time, rubbing my back with his knuckles and whispering soft, healing words.

Afterword, however long, I lay quietly in his lap, feeling empty of any emotion whatsoever. Brian was petting my hair over and over. I shifted a bit and looked up at him, found myself able to smile just a little. He smiled back down at me, opened his mouth to speak.

"Hey Cadybear?"

"Mm?"

"Do you think you could move? I need to change my shirt. You kinda got it all wet." I sat up and smiled a little more. I wanted to laugh but still couldn't. He got up from the couch and started walking toward the bedroom, pulling off his shirt as he went. Ha, I guess I really had cried a lot. I tried not to stare at the way the muscles rippled on his back.

Just because your superhero happens to be hot... He came back into the room not more than a minute later, smiling brightly at me.

"Feel better now?" he asked, sitting next to me again on the couch. He'd taken his hat off, his short black hair a little disheveled. I played with it idly as he picked up his ringing phone, running my fingers through it again and again until he got goosebumps. Brian raised an eyebrow at me before saying,

"Syn Fuckin' Gates." He paused for a moment and I heard a distinctively male voice on the other side. "Oh, hey." I looked at him, my head cocked to the side, fingers pausing where they were caught in his locks. 'It's Matt,' he mouthed.

I scowled. Shouldn't he be fucking those dirty whores by now?

"Yeah, Cady's still with me. She was crying on my shoulder for more than an hour over you." I strained my ear for Matt's response:

"Ah, shit. Can I talk to her, I tried calling her phone but it was off." I shook my head vigorously at Brian, withdrawing my hands from him and letting them lay awkwardly in my lap.

"She says no."

There was a staticky sigh on the other side.
"Alright, I should've expected that. Just.. tell her I'm sorry." With that Brian shut the phone and looked at me.

"You hear that?" I nodded, grateful there were no more tears left in me to cry out. "Aw, please don't cry again, neither of us can take it." I laughed then, surprising him and myself.

"I think I'm through, but.." I looked into his eyes, my hand grasping his arm. "But.. thank you for being here for me so much over the last few years. I don't know what to say but thank you. I'm so fucking glad you're my superhero, funny hat and all."

He smiled then, so bright and infectious it made me smile too. I hugged him tightly.

"You're welcome, Cady. You know I don't mind." I leaned back a little in his arms and he pecked me on the forehead. "In fact, I love being your superhero." He kissed the tip of my nose and I giggled softly. I let myself get lost and smiled as he leaned in. "It's so nice to see you smile," Brian whispered, so close to me that I could feel his heart beat in his chest. With that, he closed the gap between us and finally kissed my lips.