I Will Hold You When No One's Around

I will hold you when no one’s around.
15-

Do you know that amazing feeling you get when you are talking to that special someone? That feeling that makes you smile for no reason, the same feeling that takes your hunger away, the feeling that makes you nervous and you don’t quite know what it is?

Every time I talk to her, every time I look at her… it’s just like a whole new surprise; my amusement grows with every conversation we have and with every single word my stomach stirs and I can’t help falling in love even more all over again. I love her voice, her high tone and the excitement she puts on her expressions, I love the way she moves when she talks, I love those pervasive eyes and I love that gladness she gives me.

I love our talks and I love the way they always turn out being a whole different thing from the last one we discussed… I couldn’t even try to predict them, because it was impossible. Her beautiful randomness takes my breath away and makes me feel loaded of happiness. When I’m with this girl I feel safe, I feel alive. I feel like there’s nothing wrong and everything is alright.

Whenever I think of her my heart starts pounding and in fact, sometimes the only reason of my contentment is the thought of seeing her smiling back at me. I love her eyes, I love her lips, I love her soft hands and the way they take mines, I love the way she say my name, I love her fair hair, I love every little thing she does and every little thing she says.

I love her as much as I love my life, I love her even more. Who’d say it? It all owned to a simple kiss on a sleepover.

Our virtues kept us strong and our flaws made us what we were, but not because of that we wouldn’t try to fix them. That’s why we decided to spend the day out on a date and then do what we had to do.

First, we had to go home to prepare our stuff; we’d go to the beach. It had been a very long time since I last visited the beautiful coasts of Huntington Beach, the little surf city. It’s not like I knew how to surf, though.

“Which one do you want?” –I asked to the half naked Ally behind me, referring to the clothes she
wanted me to pass her.

“The purple one. It’s folded on the top shelf.” –She pointed to the upper left side of the furnishing.

“Oh…! I’m going to get one of these.” –I said, as I handed Alice her “I’m with a lesbian” t-shirt.
“Where did you buy it?”

“Well… I don’t really remember, I bought it ages ago on a gay pride bazaar, and I was waiting for the right moment to wear it.” –She nervously beamed.

“Waiting for the right moment or waiting for the right person?” –I inoffensively mocked, approaching her.

“I was waiting for you.” –She whispered, giving me a little peck on the lips after.

“I want it.” –I spilled. Hoping she would know what I meant.

“I bought one for you too.” –She said. “Let me search for it! We’ll match clothes!”

“Will we?” –I asked, disappointed but still happy. Oh my innocent Alice.

“Yes! Yours is white with purple writing, mine’s purple with white writing. But yours is bigger because
you have more chest than I do, it’s a tank top, though.” –She looked excited, looking for my apparently not very new shirt.

“That’s perfect!” –I laughed. “What does it say?” –I asked.

“Found it!”

“Found it? What?” –I giggled.

“No! Look at it.” –She showed it to me.

“Nobody knows that I’m a lesbian!” –I read out loud.

“Do you like it?”

“I love it!” –I smiled. “Thanks baby.”

Sunscreen, towels, a cooler and sunglasses was all we needed. I put on a short over my bottom bikini part and that funny white tank top that was combined with Al’s shirt. After a glorious heavy make out session with my so glorious girlfriend I took my bag, my cell phone, and the car keys and went out.

The beach was not very filled today, but even when there was not the same amount of people, I could feel thousands of eyes on me, and I don’t mean those “eyes” a regular good looking girl would normally feel on the beach, but the “eyes” that would make you want to disappear.

They were looking at us, two young women, walking around and holding hands with matching gay pride t-shirts.

Fuck.

Why didn’t I think about this earlier? Sure, I’m gay.

“Alice… they are looking at us.” –I said.

“I don’t mind. Do you?” –She asked.

“No… It’s just… uncomfortable.” –I faked a smile. “Wouldn’t you like to go somewhere else?”

“Not really. Ignore them.”

This had always been a problem for me. Since I was a little girl I had been afraid of being judged. I didn’t ever show my insecurities and unsteady feelings acting the other way around, being a leader and “not caring” about anything. As years passed, my friends and my school partners started to really respect me and I even felt their admiration, but I never felt their love. Yet, that’s the last thing I needed: love. Not being sized up was enough.

Eventually, I flounced away from people and started being a loner, but still, “I didn’t care about it”. I was a centered and intelligent youngster, someone who was praised by many, a goddamn hero.
Although I had never liked the fact of being emotionally attached to anyone, I got into a couple relationships but these weren’t as serious as they looked like.

Even though I was a closed person, I was very sensitive, and being perfect was something indispensable. The littlest negative comment would drive me overboard. People’s nagging became more constant and my self esteem went to hell. However, my first cut, my depression and all these little problems that turned out to be awful disorders were started by this.

My whole life was ruled by other people’s opinions.

And here we were. At first I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal being seen holding hands in public with a girl instead of a boy, because you can’t please everyone, right?

Well, at the moment I felt like I was having a panic attack, again. My other self had been picking on me and it seemed a nightmare.

“Oh… It’s so sad baby-lesbian can’t enjoy a day on the beach with her girlfriend.” –I heard.

“Damn…” –I mumbled, silently enough for Alice not to hear, but it was no use.

“Are you okay?” –She questioned.

“Yeah, I just stepped on a rock and it hurt.” –I lied.

“Poor baby.” –Ally beamed, tenderly. “Let’s sit; the pain will pass in a moment.”

We put a couple towels on the floor and lied down for a while. Then she told me that we needed some bronzer to seize the sun rays, and we took of our clothes. I personally loved my pale skin; I preferred to block the sun better than receiving it. “Turn upside down. I’ll help you.”
She spread the sunscreen over my body, sweetly massaging my back. It felt so good I almost could predict myself falling asleep right there. Her touch was totally delicate and healing…

“It’s your turn.” –She said cheerfully.

When we were changing positions I saw a couple of boys looking at us, as they approached. They both were handsome, identical, in fact. I tapped Al’s shoulder and she turned.

“Hello girls.” –They waved.

“Hi…” –Alice responded.

“I’m Gordon” –One of them said, the one who had a blue swimmer. “And I’m Jake.” –The other guy
in gray shorts continued.

“Nice names…” –I spilled, sarcastically, knowing what they were up to.

“Nice bodies.” –Gordon said, making a face.

“Yeah, you can leave now.” –Ally announced, with a scary smile on her face.

“We don’t feel like it.” -Jake sat beside me. “What do you girls think about going out tonight? I’m throwing a party and I believe it wouldn’t be the same without you two.”

“Why would you want us there? You don’t even know us.” –I rolled my eyes.

“Not really, but you both look pretty hot together, and I’m sure you’ll be burning out by the time you’ve had some drinks.”

“What the fuck? What does that even mean?” –Alice asked, annoyed already.

“I know what you girls do, and maybe you are not aware, but everyone else in this beach knows it too.” –Said the one standing by our side. “A party is not a party until the lesbian girls show us some lemon.”

“That was fucking gross, dude.” –Al burst out.

“What? What makes you fucking think we are lesbians?” –I yelled.

“Please, you are fucking obvious.” –Gordon mocked.

“Wait…” –Said Alice. “It’s none of your business if we are or not gay, and it’s my fucking personal
space the one you are invading. Go the hell away.”

“Come on, you know you want to.” –Jake insisted.

“Go away.” –I firmly said.

“We don’t feel like it.” –Said the other.

“HELP! PLEASE! HELP ME! RAPERS! PLEASE HELP!” –Ally screamed, gaining everybody’s attention.

“Hey. Is there any problem fellow?” –A big, strong man asked one of the guys.

“None dude, none.” –Gordon answered.

“We were just leaving.” –Jake pursued.

“That’s good.” –The man pushed one of them both away as the other one followed him.

It was pretty fun; I have to admit; seeing those idiots that once were oh so machos like stupid little girls running away from a barking puppy. I almost pissed myself of laughter!

“Thanks…” –I said.

“No need to thank, we have to protect each other. I should have realized earlier, sorry I didn’t act at time.” –He spilled, with a kind smile.

“Protect each other?” –Asked Alice, confusion all over her face.

“Yeah…” –I heard and a second man appeared, slyly interlacing his fingers with the fist man’s. “You know; the dudes who like dudes and the chicks who like chicks.” –We shared laughs.

I could feel better now, I could feel that less people contemptuously looked at me and got used to my presence there. It was a very relaxing feeling, because I felt that at least they didn’t care much about me now, and that was perfect… I think.

The gay couple that we met on the beach was actually very nice. Charlie was the one who interceded for us at first, and his boyfriend was called Evan. They had been together for 6 years and they had a beautiful bulldog called Curtis. We decided to meet again someday and go shopping or playing
Monopoly at anyone’s house.

We had lunch together and then decided to go to a karaoke center near the beach. They said that their first date had been there.

“Sorry, but I can’t let you people come inside the facilities.” –Said the lady who saw us entering the reception holding hands with our couples.

“Can I know why that is?” –Asked Evan. “Is it because of the dog?”

“No, it is not because of the animal.” –She answered.

“Then why is it?” –I inquired.

“You are not supposed to come here.” –She looked angry, disgusted, molested.

“Would you be clearer? What are you insinuating?” –Charlie questioned, irritated but with the most gentle voice he could chant.

“We don’t let gay people come here because you are disturbing the normality of the place!” –She snorted out, mad.

“What is your problem? I come here all the time! Where is the other secretary? You are new here.”

“She was fired because she didn’t follow the rules and she let you people in. Now, get the hell out.” –
She yelled. Soon they all started arguing and I was just there, quiet, listening to every word that woman could use against us, the different people.

I couldn’t do it.

I walked out of the building and ran home, at the moment it seemed the most intelligent idea, and I didn’t care about anything, though. I needed to get home. I’m sure they didn’t notice my absence.

When I arrived I nervously took my keys and unlocked the door. With trembling hands I went to my bedroom and searched for my old razor.