Status: Slow -I hope you like it, this is totally different to what people is used to write and read and I really like it. Let me know what you think :)
I Will Hold You When No One's Around
Chapter 4
I will hold you when no one’s around.
4-
It’s been two days, and I felt like it had been two weeks. I needed my best friend. Not only Ally “the girl I’ve been kissing”, but Ally the girl I could talk to whenever I was weak and whenever I needed someone. She was always there for me. She was the only one, who had stayed by my side on my ups and downs, and whose hands I would trust my whole life in. We weren’t as most of the other girls who talk only about superficial things, no. We talked about everything, but at the same time, about nothing. Our conversations were never awkward or had those uncomfortable mood killing silences and nobody else could ever completely understand them.
But at the moment, the last thing I needed to do’s tell our story. I wanted to solve things and make up to her. Fuck, this was so not going to be easy.
“Let’s talk this out, please Ally, we need to, you know I didn’t mean it to sound like that…”
“You didn’t mean to sound like that, but you did. You made me feel like some weird strange creature you’d never want to lay your eyes on! You made me feel like a monster!” –She talked through the phone, with a painful voice. I couldn’t see her, but I could tell she was crying.
“I know, I know, Ally and I’m sorry!” –My voice started to crack, as I walked around the living room not knowing exactly where to stand.
“You’re not sorry! You are just scared of losing me! You are just… afraid no one else could love you like I do!”
“I am sorry, I… I really am sorry.” –Tears ran down my cheeks, my heartbeats got faster with every second that passed
“Oh please, you can keep telling that to yourself, I don’t believe you.”
“Ally, come on” –I tore the mirror in front of me and made it fall down, hearing the loud sound of its breaking. “Ally, please! I’m sorry! I was an idiot and I apologize! I know I shouldn’t have to react like that, I know! Alice, please, I love you…” –I said, almost whispering the last part.
“Oh my God, are you okay? I wish I could say the same, but you hurt me. You hurt me so bad.”
“What do you want me to do, Ally?”
“I want you to think. You need to think, talk with yourself.”
“I know…” –I couldn’t say more, my throat was sore, rusty and dry, and I felt my heart stopped for a moment just to the idea of talking with myself again. I thought I was improving until she mentioned it.
“You have to clear your mind. I will be waiting for you.” –And with those last words that kept drilling into my head, she hung up.
“You will wait for me…” –I silently said as I shut my cell phone and slipped my body to the cold floor, not caring at all about the broken glass hurting the naked skin of my legs. I started to cry out loud, my head about to explode.
Pain. Pain. Pain. All I felt was pain. Love was painful, and life was nothing more than unfair pain when she wasn’t with me, all I had was her, and I was losing her.
Several minutes passed, maybe hours, who knows? Once I was just sobbing, I stood up and stepped on what still remained of the mirror that once was hanging on my wall. I walked to the kitchen, opened the liquor cabinet and took the first bottle I reached, and directed to my bedroom, locked the door I don’t know why, and opened a small box that was inside of one of my drawers before taking a small metal blade out of it. “It’s been a long time since I do this…” –I thought, as I drank all the content I could take from the (apparently) rum bottle before I needed to catch for some air. I felt already dizzy. I went to the bathroom, placed the bottle on top of the toilet tank and opened the sink faucet until it completely filled. I looked at the little coulter for a moment, took it to my wrist, and made a long wound, slightly deep, but not too much.
It hurt, but it felt good, though, I felt relieved. Every now and then I made another cut and took some numerous glups of booze. The alcohol made effect and I eventually fell asleep, drifting in and out of fitful dreams, with Alice in each one of them. I must better call them nightmares, because those all reminded me of my horrible truth.
“Hey.” –A voice called. A very, very familiar voice.
“Oh, not you again...” I mumbled, writhing and wailing because of the pain on my arms, my legs, my head, and all my body in general.
“Aren’t you happy about being able to chat with me again?” –The voice sounded so cold and malicious.
“Not at all…”
“Are you surprised of seeing me around? I’ve missed you. Haven’t you missed me?” –The person
said, with a grin.
“No, I haven’t missed you.” –I said, standing up, regretting about it right away, my head hurt and I was so drunk I almost fell back down.
“That’s rude.”
“I don’t have any reason to be nice with you.” –I turned my back to the body standing right in front of me, rubbing my eyes, thinking maybe this whole situation ought to be nothing but a dream.
“Why do you say that? I’ve helped you a lot! You would be nothing without me.”
“I accept you have helped me in many occasions but I need to let go of you” –I said in surrender.
“You can’t let me go, I am you.”
“I know…” -Yeah, it was me again, messing with my own business I don’t have to care about. Shit.
“Hard time are on, and some are about to come, you’ll need me. Do you want to think a bit about your recent actions?”
“I don’t need a lecture, I know that self harm isn’t good, but I needed to do it, I needed to release the pain inside of me.”
“Release the pain? Why are you so stupid? That’s not an excuse for what you did.”
“It is.”
“It isn’t. What will Alice think when she sees all those scars? What do you think she will feel like when she finds out you cut yourself for her fault?”
“It isn’t her fault, I did it for myself.”
“Maybe, but she will think it was for her and you won’t be able to change her mind”
Damn, she had a point. I didn’t think of the consequences and now I didn’t know how to win the
argument with myself. It’s not like I needed to, though.
“Will you say something?”
“No.”
“You don’t know how to answer because you know I’m right. Don’t be a selfish asshole and think about her sake at least for once in your miserable life. The girl loves you, and you don’t do anything to let her know you feel the same.”
“But… on the phone, when I said I loved her, she clearly said that she wished she could say the same… Does that mean she doesn’t love me?”
“She said it because she is hurt, she loves you, but she’s afraid you will hurt her AGAIN and send her pride to hell.”
“Okay… thanks I guess…”
“You are always welcome, beautiful.” –My other self said with a smirk and winking at me, at the same time, vanishing of my sight.
This was absolutely weird. Not only the conversation with myself but the fact I had actually seen another me.
This entire “talking with me” thing had started ages ago, almost 9 years ago, in fact. At one point I had considered the possibility of being insane, but when I told my psychiatric about it, she just prescribed some sleeping and soothing pills. I had convinced myself they had been working, but just some weeks after I started with the medication treatment I appeared again inside of my mind. I decided not to go back to the doctor, though, because I knew they were chances I wouldn’t like so much. I stopped taking the pills, but I never stopped buying them, just in case I needed them sometime.
I got used to chat with me and by now it was more of a habit. I always tried to shut up, but it never worked. These random conversations with me didn’t ever seem so bad, they were actually helpful sometimes, and I guess it wouldn’t hurt anybody. But those events never really got this far. I mean, I have talked to myself, but those were just stubborn chatting, this time it was different, this time it was serious. I hadn’t seen myself ever in my life until now. Was this problem getting worse? I believe so.
Anyways, this wasn’t the right time to think about my mental problems, but to think more about my physical problems. I was hurt, my arms and my legs were wounded, and my head hurt as hell, perhaps, because of the alcohol. I opened the bathroom’s pantry and searched for some rubbing alcohol, some cotton, adhesive, gauze and a couple band-aids. When I finished with them, I took one of those sleeping pills and let myself fall into the bed, watch TV and clear my mind.
4-
It’s been two days, and I felt like it had been two weeks. I needed my best friend. Not only Ally “the girl I’ve been kissing”, but Ally the girl I could talk to whenever I was weak and whenever I needed someone. She was always there for me. She was the only one, who had stayed by my side on my ups and downs, and whose hands I would trust my whole life in. We weren’t as most of the other girls who talk only about superficial things, no. We talked about everything, but at the same time, about nothing. Our conversations were never awkward or had those uncomfortable mood killing silences and nobody else could ever completely understand them.
But at the moment, the last thing I needed to do’s tell our story. I wanted to solve things and make up to her. Fuck, this was so not going to be easy.
“Let’s talk this out, please Ally, we need to, you know I didn’t mean it to sound like that…”
“You didn’t mean to sound like that, but you did. You made me feel like some weird strange creature you’d never want to lay your eyes on! You made me feel like a monster!” –She talked through the phone, with a painful voice. I couldn’t see her, but I could tell she was crying.
“I know, I know, Ally and I’m sorry!” –My voice started to crack, as I walked around the living room not knowing exactly where to stand.
“You’re not sorry! You are just scared of losing me! You are just… afraid no one else could love you like I do!”
“I am sorry, I… I really am sorry.” –Tears ran down my cheeks, my heartbeats got faster with every second that passed
“Oh please, you can keep telling that to yourself, I don’t believe you.”
“Ally, come on” –I tore the mirror in front of me and made it fall down, hearing the loud sound of its breaking. “Ally, please! I’m sorry! I was an idiot and I apologize! I know I shouldn’t have to react like that, I know! Alice, please, I love you…” –I said, almost whispering the last part.
“Oh my God, are you okay? I wish I could say the same, but you hurt me. You hurt me so bad.”
“What do you want me to do, Ally?”
“I want you to think. You need to think, talk with yourself.”
“I know…” –I couldn’t say more, my throat was sore, rusty and dry, and I felt my heart stopped for a moment just to the idea of talking with myself again. I thought I was improving until she mentioned it.
“You have to clear your mind. I will be waiting for you.” –And with those last words that kept drilling into my head, she hung up.
“You will wait for me…” –I silently said as I shut my cell phone and slipped my body to the cold floor, not caring at all about the broken glass hurting the naked skin of my legs. I started to cry out loud, my head about to explode.
Pain. Pain. Pain. All I felt was pain. Love was painful, and life was nothing more than unfair pain when she wasn’t with me, all I had was her, and I was losing her.
Several minutes passed, maybe hours, who knows? Once I was just sobbing, I stood up and stepped on what still remained of the mirror that once was hanging on my wall. I walked to the kitchen, opened the liquor cabinet and took the first bottle I reached, and directed to my bedroom, locked the door I don’t know why, and opened a small box that was inside of one of my drawers before taking a small metal blade out of it. “It’s been a long time since I do this…” –I thought, as I drank all the content I could take from the (apparently) rum bottle before I needed to catch for some air. I felt already dizzy. I went to the bathroom, placed the bottle on top of the toilet tank and opened the sink faucet until it completely filled. I looked at the little coulter for a moment, took it to my wrist, and made a long wound, slightly deep, but not too much.
It hurt, but it felt good, though, I felt relieved. Every now and then I made another cut and took some numerous glups of booze. The alcohol made effect and I eventually fell asleep, drifting in and out of fitful dreams, with Alice in each one of them. I must better call them nightmares, because those all reminded me of my horrible truth.
“Hey.” –A voice called. A very, very familiar voice.
“Oh, not you again...” I mumbled, writhing and wailing because of the pain on my arms, my legs, my head, and all my body in general.
“Aren’t you happy about being able to chat with me again?” –The voice sounded so cold and malicious.
“Not at all…”
“Are you surprised of seeing me around? I’ve missed you. Haven’t you missed me?” –The person
said, with a grin.
“No, I haven’t missed you.” –I said, standing up, regretting about it right away, my head hurt and I was so drunk I almost fell back down.
“That’s rude.”
“I don’t have any reason to be nice with you.” –I turned my back to the body standing right in front of me, rubbing my eyes, thinking maybe this whole situation ought to be nothing but a dream.
“Why do you say that? I’ve helped you a lot! You would be nothing without me.”
“I accept you have helped me in many occasions but I need to let go of you” –I said in surrender.
“You can’t let me go, I am you.”
“I know…” -Yeah, it was me again, messing with my own business I don’t have to care about. Shit.
“Hard time are on, and some are about to come, you’ll need me. Do you want to think a bit about your recent actions?”
“I don’t need a lecture, I know that self harm isn’t good, but I needed to do it, I needed to release the pain inside of me.”
“Release the pain? Why are you so stupid? That’s not an excuse for what you did.”
“It is.”
“It isn’t. What will Alice think when she sees all those scars? What do you think she will feel like when she finds out you cut yourself for her fault?”
“It isn’t her fault, I did it for myself.”
“Maybe, but she will think it was for her and you won’t be able to change her mind”
Damn, she had a point. I didn’t think of the consequences and now I didn’t know how to win the
argument with myself. It’s not like I needed to, though.
“Will you say something?”
“No.”
“You don’t know how to answer because you know I’m right. Don’t be a selfish asshole and think about her sake at least for once in your miserable life. The girl loves you, and you don’t do anything to let her know you feel the same.”
“But… on the phone, when I said I loved her, she clearly said that she wished she could say the same… Does that mean she doesn’t love me?”
“She said it because she is hurt, she loves you, but she’s afraid you will hurt her AGAIN and send her pride to hell.”
“Okay… thanks I guess…”
“You are always welcome, beautiful.” –My other self said with a smirk and winking at me, at the same time, vanishing of my sight.
This was absolutely weird. Not only the conversation with myself but the fact I had actually seen another me.
This entire “talking with me” thing had started ages ago, almost 9 years ago, in fact. At one point I had considered the possibility of being insane, but when I told my psychiatric about it, she just prescribed some sleeping and soothing pills. I had convinced myself they had been working, but just some weeks after I started with the medication treatment I appeared again inside of my mind. I decided not to go back to the doctor, though, because I knew they were chances I wouldn’t like so much. I stopped taking the pills, but I never stopped buying them, just in case I needed them sometime.
I got used to chat with me and by now it was more of a habit. I always tried to shut up, but it never worked. These random conversations with me didn’t ever seem so bad, they were actually helpful sometimes, and I guess it wouldn’t hurt anybody. But those events never really got this far. I mean, I have talked to myself, but those were just stubborn chatting, this time it was different, this time it was serious. I hadn’t seen myself ever in my life until now. Was this problem getting worse? I believe so.
Anyways, this wasn’t the right time to think about my mental problems, but to think more about my physical problems. I was hurt, my arms and my legs were wounded, and my head hurt as hell, perhaps, because of the alcohol. I opened the bathroom’s pantry and searched for some rubbing alcohol, some cotton, adhesive, gauze and a couple band-aids. When I finished with them, I took one of those sleeping pills and let myself fall into the bed, watch TV and clear my mind.
♠ ♠ ♠
Hey :3I want to post more chapters!!! I really do:c But I can't yet... I'm starting school next week, so writing will be a little bit hard now:( That's why you've only read 4 chapters and not 11... I need a backup xD I hope you liked it, anyways:) Thanks to my amazing commentators, I really appreciate it!