I Will Hold You When No One's Around

I will hold you when no one’s around.
8-

“Wake up.” –I heard.

“Leave me alone, I want to sleep.”–I babbled through the mattress.

“That’s just because you drank too much.” –I heard again.

“I didn't drink! Go away!” –I said, mad. No amount of sleep in the world could cure the tiredness I felt.

“Come on! Damn! Wake up and do something with your life!” –She yelled.

“Fuck…” –I mumbled. “Okay. What do you want?” –I shout while sitting straight, feeling terribly angry. I hate it when I want to sleep and people bother me.

“ You've been a complete whore, you know?” –She appeared sitting on the edge of the bed.

“I haven’t…” –I looked at her.

“If you want to be hooking up with random dudes every time you feel like it you can at least clear things up with Alice. Shit.” –She seemed upset.

“It’s nothing. She’s not my girlfriend. She’s my best friend.” –I was pretty relaxed, actually.

“You seriously fucked up damn.” –I didn't say anything. “She fucking LOVES you and you are just acting like a dick and fucking around.”

“I’m not fucking around! He’s a nice guy!” –I stubbornly said.

“He is nice, yeah, but you don’t like him! You just like his car and his money! You fucking kissed him on the first fucking date!” –Now she was frustrated as hell.

“I’m not that kind of person!” –I was getting annoyed of all this bullshit.

“Are we seriously having this conversation again? You know I am always right. You love Ally, okay? You know, when she kissed you?” –I nodded. “What did you feel?”

“You have to be kidding. You know what I felt, you are me!” –I made a lot of exaggerated mimics.

“Well! Both you and I can tell you didn't feel the same when you kissed Darrel, did you?” –Her voice was severe.

“Of course I didn't!” –I fell.

“What’s the difference between Darrel and Alice?” –She asked.

“I don’t love Darrel but I love Alice…?” –I answered, afraid of her reaction.

“THEN STOP TRYING TO DENY IT, SHIT. You love that girl more than you love yourself. Don’t mess things up again! You don’t need Darrel, you don’t have to experiment shit. It is okay if you like boys, it is okay if you like girls, and it’s also okay if you like both! But you can’t be doing this foolish stuff just because. Be aware of your feelings, damn. Talk to Ally, sort things out. Tell Darrel the truth.” –All made sense. She was right, again.

“I can’t talk to Ally…” –I felt the tears I had been holding falling down my pale cheeks.

“Yes, you can. Call her; let her know you need her. You’ll feel better. Don’t give up, okay?” –I blinked and she was no longer there. I started to cry. I felt awful. I had been holding all this pain and sadness inside and trying to ignore it, trying to reject all my real manners, but I couldn't take it anymore.

How is it I break down so easily when my other self shows up? Am I this crazy? All she says is all I know and I don’t recognize it until she tells me. Apparently nothing I do is alright. I just sit and think a lot of fucking thoughts, but I never do anything until she comes around. I am a big letdown. I broke Ally’s heart and I was using Darrel inconsiderately. How can I be related to those two? I mean, Darrel is a great guy; he is good looking, he is rich, he is sympathetic, he is charming, humble and a complete gentleman. I got to know him a lot on the date we had, but he is not the type of person I would like to be my boyfriend, being sincere. Alice instead… Well, Alice is my everything; I could be incredibly depressed one second, but just by thinking about her I was incredibly happy the next. She was sexy, she was gorgeous, she was funny, beautiful, caring, understanding and selfless, she was cool, she was sweet, she was smart. I… I was just there, wandering why I was so lucky when I didn't even deserve it. I did self harm, I got drunk, I cursed and I wasn't a Christian. Am I going to hell yet?
Who the hell do I think I am to play with these amazing creatures and their feelings?

“A big failure, that’s what I am.” –I said, quietly. “Everything is so lovely and I am just a crack on the sidewalk.” –I knew what I had to do, and I wasn't going to wait longer to it.

I stood up, washed my face on the bathroom and walked to the kitchen where the land line telephone was. I called Darrel and we decided to forget all that happened and start out as friends. I dialed the phone number of Ally’s house and sat on the counter as I waited for her to pick up. “Hello?” –I heard her after a couple of seconds; I couldn't help but chuckle at her cute and happy voice.

“Hey…” –I said, I felt the smile growing on my face.

“Oh, hi!” –I noticed she was surprised with my call.

“How have you been, girl?” –I asked.

“Good, I guess. Why are you calling?” –She now sounded perplexed and sere.

“I just wanted to talk to you… Is there something wrong?” –Now I was confused.

“I don’t know, I thought we were having a time apart… I thought you needed to be away from me.” –She spilled.

“I… I just wanted to hear your voice…” –I mumbled to the phone.

“Oh, well… You heard it already. I think I have to go now…”

“No! Ally, wait.” –Why is she so mean to me?

“All I need is my best friend.” –I told.

“So do I.” –She hung up.

“Don’t give up.” –I said. “This will get better.”

I got out and started running, heading to Alice’s house.

“Please Alice…” –I knocked on the door for the fourth time.

“I’m sorry, I was busy with something” –She opened the obstacle between us. I jumped on her and kissed her roughly on the lips. She broke the kiss after three seconds.

“What is wrong with you?” –She asked as she pushed me away.

“I… I’m sorry!” –I apologized. “I wasn't thinking…”

“Sure you weren't.” –She looked at me.

“I… We need to talk.” –I said, firmly.

“We talked already. I remember I told you to clear your mind.”

“I did. And I… I’m sorry. I… God.” –Thousands of thoughts were running through my head, but I couldn't find the right words.

“Why are you so nervous? It’s not like we are strangers.” –She was serious.

I cleared my throat. “Okay, Ally, I already said I’m sorry, I am now aware of what I feel, I don’t know what to do to let you know I need you Alice.”

“How can I believe you?” –She locked her eyes with mine.

“Now my life is a mess, okay? I tried to talk to you but you don’t listen to me. I tried to talk to someone else, and it only helped me to remember how much of a bitch I am and how much I love you. I TALK TO MYSELF AGAIN, ALICE. Now I truly lost my mind, okay? I got drunk. I broke my hand, I can’t do shit now. My house looks like crap.” –The tears in my eyes blurred my sight. “I even tried to… I used a boy who cared about me. I cut myself, Alice.” –I showed her my wounded wrist. She looked at it with a shocked face; she put a hand over her mouth.

“I don’t know what to say…” –She said with a broken voice, now staring at the floor.

“Do you believe me now, Alice?” –I approached her and made her look again right in my eyes. “I need you.”

“You don’t need me…” –She moved my hand away and took a step back, shaking her head in deny. “I hurt you.”

“No, you didn't hurt me. I hurt myself because I’m an asshole. I know it was wrong. But now I’m better!” –I said, hoping she’ll understand.

“You aren't better. You self harm. It was my entire fault…” –She moved even further.

“I will be better if you forgive me and accept me…” –I nodded, walking closer to her, now getting inside of the house. “Maybe I’m scared because you mean more to me than any other person. You are everything I think about, and everything I want.”

“This is crazy…”–She pushed me out.

“You said you needed your best friend. I need my best friend, Ally!” –I was crying intensely now.

“I’m sorry…” –She looked at me, her eyes broke my soul and all my hopes were crashed.

“Ally… Ally please…” –She started to close the door. “I need you! Don’t you get it?! I FUCKING NEED YOU AND YOU ARE CLOSING YOUR DOOR IN FRONT OF MY FACE.” –I started with a small whisper, but it became one desperate scream full of anger, hurt and agony. I cleaned my tears away.

“I am sorry for everything. I… I need time to think.” –Her voice was almost a murmur, low and shy. I could now only see her face; the rest of her body was covered by the large piece of wood.

“You need time to think?” –I mocked. She completely closed the door and stayed behind it. I clucked and got close to it, so she could hear me clearly.

“Call me when you’re finish. Let’s hope I’m alive by then.” –I heard a sob coming from the inside of the house. With that I turned around and walked home. I got there after a couple of minutes. I fell on my bed, crying.

Do you ever have one of those days where nothing really goes wrong but you feel like you are the smallest and weakest thing and the word hates you and a just a little thing that happens can make you break down right there and cry? Have you ever felt your heart stopped beating for a moment? Do you ever feel like you are all alone and by yourself and you need someone to cry with? Has it ever happened to you that the only person who can heal you is the one who wounds you?

Well, I have. The worst thing is that I deserved it.

As the pain became more and more unbearable, self destruction quickly became the answer. Anxiety filled my body and I wanted to cry. I grabbed a bottle full of vodka from the drink shelf. Since that other time, I had promised myself I wouldn't repeat it. But the razor was already in my hand.

I went to my bathroom, I took off my pants. I did it again. But I didn't care about the consequences of how deep I got to, or how many times I did it. I deserved every scar I put on my body.

“Hey.” –I heard my other self say.

“What is it?” –I asked.

“This is not a way to live. This is just a way to die” –She quoted.

“28 days? That crappy movie… I've always hated Sandra Bullock.” –And I passed out.