My Only One

Kellin's POV

"So, what's up?"

Jaime sat in front of me on his bed, crossed-legged with a cup of tea clasped between his palms, a worried look upon his face. It was sort of refreshing, how Jaime's worried expression looked, like he actually cared and wasn't just curious. It was probably why I came to him in the first place.

It wasn't like I couldn't talk to someone else. But I was drawn to him. I decided I didn't like that, how he made surely not only me feel but others as well. I figured this was one of the many reasons he was just better than me.

But I simply shrugged at him, taking a sip of my tea and averting my eyes.

"Why does something have to be wrong for me to want to come over?"

The boy in front of me ran a hand through his now only sort-of skunky hair with an amused grin.

"You can't use that shit on me. I know you've got something on your mind you need to talk about, and I won't mind listening. Even though I probably wasn't your first choice."

"You were." I corrected quietly, setting my mug down on his nightstand and giving up on pretending I hadn't anything to say. He read me well, and I wanted to tell him anyways. It was in fact why I came over.

"I was?"

Sighing, I decided it'd be best to get it over with.

"I don't want to concern Vic with it right now, when its kind of embarrassing that I never told him in the first place. I can't visit Justin, who only vaguely knows the whole story. Josh doesn't know. And I felt as though if I was going to get this off my chest, it was going to be from the beginning with someone I know would give a shit and would offer more than an I'm sorry. So the first person that came to mind was you."

Rethinking my words, I thought it sounded as if he really wasn't my first choice. I was going to reword it, but before I could even correct myself, he nodded in understanding.

"Fair enough." He set his cup down as well. I did my best to relax again. "So, what's got you troubled, then, Quinn?"

"My mom." I answered truthfully, subconsciously picking at the duvet below me. "She's coming here. Someone told her about Justin and she's coming here all the way from Florida."

"So wait," He stopped me, knitting his eyebrows together. "You don't live with your parents?"

"No, I don't. For reasons I will tell you if you're willing to listen to me complain all night."

Jaime cracked a smile, shaking his head. It was contagious if I was being honest, so I felt a familiar tugging at my lips I just couldn't will away.

"Whatever you want to tell me."

"Okay," I paused, clearing my throat. "So, she comes here with her new family yearly to drop off my Christmas presents personally and to celebrate with my aunt for a few days. Up until now I've avoided it. I may still avoid it this year, but when my mom tells Justin I have he's going to give me this speech about lying to him and shit, because I told him I did see her last year and things went okay. Then he'll try to talk me into seeing her and I'll give in."

"I don't know what I want to do. Part of me wants to see her to get it over with, part of me wants to avoid her forever. She gives me the choice every year. Whether to run, or to stay. I don't know if I'm mentally strong enough to stay." I frowned, looking up at Jaime who sat patiently listening. "I wouldn't know what to say."

"I don't know what to advise of you, because I don't know the whole story but-"

"Then I'll tell you." I interrupted, Jaime blinking once before nodding.

"Whatever you're comfortable with."

"It's fine, really. I want to talk about it." My eyes once again found the blanket below as I spoke up after a few moments. "I was young when it first started happening, the fighting. I was so scared my parents were going to get a divorce. I was petrified of the thought, and I blamed myself so much. I don't think things started getting really bad until my dad lost his job. It was a constant battle between the two."

"So constant that my dad had been having signs of... his sickness for months before we even noticed." I pretended not to notice Jaime's eyes widen, for I'd seen it too many times. "My dad was a big smoker. No one thought much of it. My mom's way out of the stress was to go out with friends; my dad's was to smoke two packs of cigarettes a day. Especially when he found out my mom was looking at divorce papers, and other men. We missed the signs. My dad was a prideful man. He didn't say anything about the bone pain and the headaches, shortness of breath and the new, steady cough that never ceased. We caught it too late."

"Kellin-"

"Please don't. My dad died of l-lung cancer when I was twelve years old. The only one around was Justin, whom helped me through it all. I still hate the white walls so much. I hate the hospital. I hate my mother for making him smoke so much. I have yet to let a lot go."

I glanced up to Jaime to see tears threatening to spill from shocked eyes, and I wiped a few of my own away. He sat opening and closing his mouth for a minute, finally just stopping to look down, almost ashamed.

"I-I don't know what to say."

"I didn't expect you to." I offered him a smile, albeit a sad one, before shaking my head. "That isn't what I wanted to dwell on, regardless. I did that for long enough."

Jaime wiped furiously at his eyes (poor thing obviously hating crying even though he did it often) and made a little noise, and I guessed he meant to continue.

"Things were rough after that. The funeral was hell. Not to mention, my mom was so upset she was never around. She never visited my father in the hospital after he got really bad, claiming she'd see him when God wanted her to. I hope Heaven exists; I want to see my dad again." I stopped myself, nodding before deciding the move past such painful memories. I didn't want to sob in front of someone I barely knew. "Anyways, like I said, it was tough. Not to mention, I realized I like boys when I was eleven, so I was struggling with that in a Christian home. I'd been taught my whole life it was wrong. I didn't know what to do."

"It definitely didn't help anything when I came home early from school when I was thirteen, two fucking days after the anniversary of my day's death, to see my mother kissing some man I'd never seen before. I caused a scene. Later, she told me he was her boyfriend of seven months. I realized I had seen him before. He was my father's coworker, and very good friend. I loathed him. Still do."

I paused, letting my gaze flicker up to Jaime where he was sitting quietly. Only flinching at my words, his tears were gone and I took that as a sign it was okay to go on.

"After that, I went downhill. I met this guy named Chris Fronzak; we all called him Fronz. He got me into drugs and drinking and partying. I also lost my virginity to him. I regret it; he was a fucking awful person to me. But Chris had his pain just like mine. It's why we were drawn to each other. I guess I don't really blame him for what happened to me."

"My mom didn't find out I was gay until after he broke up with me, three days after taking my virginity. He told my whole school I had come on to him. We moved into my aunt's house so I could go to a new school where I wouldn't get bullied every day. My aunt didn't care. She had money up to her ears and was never home, so as long as we kept it clean it didn't bother her. But you know, it wasn't until we moved in did my mom ask me if I was actually gay. I told her yes. I still remember what the last words were that she screamed at me that night. 'Your father would've been so disappointed in the faggot- the abomination we raised." I repeated it in the same tone, but whispered and hushed, noticing Jaime's fists clenched. "My mom and I were never the same since."

"Wait, you don't believe that bullshit, do you? What she said about your dad?" My eyes found Jaime's, his expression sad and worn down as he put a hand on my shoulder. "You shouldn't. It's not true."

"I don't know. My dad was quite the homophobe-"

"Kellin-"

"Jaime, it's nothing. Let it go."

He opened his mouth to protest, but settled for a sigh and a hushed 'go on'.

"Either way, I gave up drinking and drugs, simply because it costed too much and I didn't have the money. So I guess that's good. By the time we'd moved, it was the end of my ninth grade year and I had turned fifteen. It's funny to think how bad I'd gotten in only eighth and ninth grade, but Fronz was two years older than I. But back to what I was saying, it was April of my ninth grade year when my mother told me the news her and her boyfriend were getting married. I didn't say a word to her for a week."

"I smoked weed again that night, but gave it up the next day when it didn't make me forget shit. I could hear my mom cry to her boyfriend about how much she felt as if she messed up, but I didn't console her. I thought she did. Nothing became real, though, until they set the date. My mom was a lot happier after that. They set it for the following August in Florida. I didn't ask why they chose Florida, but I found out two short days later. They were moving there, with his family too. I wasn't aware he even had kids, but he did. Two of them. A three year old girl and a ten year old boy. They were apparently his kids from his first marriage. They were all for the marriage and the move. I wasn't. I screamed and cried and refused. I didn't meet the kids. I hated them already. I wasn't moving to Florida with his family, I told them. And Mark, her fiancée at the time, told my mother it was my decision. I could stay with my aunt, or go with them. I chose to stay. They left three months later. I enrolled into school, and they made wedding plans. Despite the invitation and plane ticket, I didn't go to their wedding. I haven't talked to my mom since, except for short conversations on the phone once or twice."

Jaime sat quiet on the opposite side of the bed, and what I'd just done began to weigh on me. I'd just told someone I barely knew my life story, all of my dirty little secrets and things I regret.

He sat silent, his lip between his teeth in thought and I knew then this was a mistake. Jaime hadn't wanted or needed to know any of this.

But he didn't leave. He just continued to sit in silence, glancing up every now and then and looking for something to say.

"I, um," He stuttered out, his cheeks flushing as he began to shake his leg, a sure sign that he didn't know what to say. "Kellin, I mean... I-"

"Forget it." I stood, ignoring the way his face fell. "I should leave. I shouldn't have told you- I mean, I don't know why I did..."

"Because," Grabbing my arm to prevent me from leaving, he stood up as well to face me. "Sometimes it easier to tell things to strangers than people we really care about. It's not a matter of trusting them not to tell anyone. It's because, maybe they're really the people we don't want to be told."

I mulled it over, irritated that everything that came out of the younger boy's lips was poetry at its finest. I'd always be jealous of that.

"I suppose." I muttered as he dropped his hand awkwardly back to his side. "Well, thanks for listening. I still better head home-"

"Wait," I looked up, expectant. "Why don't you just chill here for the night?"

-

Vic's POV

I was sat cross-legged and over-thinking on the couch, re-watching Coraline for the hundredth time. My parents had gone to sleep, and Mike was still out, which left me all by myself with only my worries to keep me company.

I had never been a fan of being alone. I thought too much, about everything. Jaime, Kellin, Mike, my parents, school, Tony. But tonight, my mind was set on a particular raven-haired boy.

Kellin had swore that he was alright before leaving, said he really had some "errand" to run before he'd head off to bed. I didn't know if I believed him. I pretended not to care, but I did.

As I sat, I considered just going to Jaime's, offering to watch Toy Story and giving in to my loneliness. That was until I heard the front door open, and I knew Alex and Mike were back. Over-joyed, I skipped into the entrance way to greet them, ecstatic to have some company.

Only Alex wasn't with Mike.

And Mike didn't look very happy at all.