Sometimes Goodbye is the Hardest Part

As I sat in the chair, holding his lifeless hand, I couldn’t stop the tears from springing to my eyes. The Doctors had said it was time for final goodbyes, to tell him how we felt. Even though I was 99% sure that he couldn’t actually hear me. I guess I should explain myself.

My name is Sabrina Marie Jones and today, my fiancée is going to die.

He is going to die because of me.

Sometimes when I lay in the uncomfortable hospital bed at night, next to his body, I wonder if he would have been better off if we never met. If that day, had never happened. When I mentioned that idea to him, before the coma and procedures, when he was still just a little “banged up”, all he could was a sad smile. A small, sad smile I took as him agreeing to my claim. That was the day the cracked in my heart started.

It’s been 3 weeks since then. 3 weeks of a heart that needed to be restarted, lungs that filled with fluid and a skull cracked wide up. He was dying, and I couldn’t see him barely holding on any longer. The Doctors said he would die if they ever brought him out of this coma, that his body was no longer working on its own.

It. Was. Over.

I watched silently as the doctor pulled the small cord that kept his heart going. I listened as the steady beeping turned into one long and annoying sound.

“He wanted me to give this to you, in case of this, I guess.”

My watery hazel eyes met those of a tall, slim doctor. I couldn’t even muster the words to thank him. All I could do was take the envelope, hands shaking, and nod slightly.

My heart was written on the front, in his sloppy hand. Sliding my finger underneath the back flap, I pulled the letter from inside.

‘My dearest love, my Soul Mate,

My heart breaks to know I have left you alone. I loved you with more of me than I ever thought possible. You brought out what was truly good in my soul. On the day of the accident, you told me you had wished we never met. That if you had just stayed away from me, if we had never fallen in love, I could be healthy now. I could have never disagreed more.

You were my world baby, and nothing, could ever make me regret falling in love with you. I saved your life and that meant more to me than my own life ever could.

So please do not destroy yourself with guilt over this. I would much rather I died tomorrow, than to live a hundred years without knowing you.

I will love until the end of time in this life and the next.

Never Forget That.”

As my tears fell down my face, I couldn’t stop the small smile from gracing my lips.