All You Wanted

„All these lines in the air, I don't know if anyone would care. I'm losing my friends, in the wave of all these fragments I can fake, but we still hold on …”

Has my skin always been so pale? One could only wonder, and I wondered for what seemed a hundredth time looking down at my bare legs. I felt hot, like my insides were slowly burning, and yet the chilly morning breeze made goosebumps rise on my arms.

I closed my eyes but regretted it as soon as yesterday’s flash of colors swirled behind them bringing back memories I could not erase but so desperately wanted to. I sighed and opened my eyes. This was all I wanted and all I needed, but why did it feel so wrong? Moving to Weybridge was the best thing I have done in my twenty-one years, but for some reason the past two and a half months felt like my life has been going downhill. It was safe to say that I have lost my way.

I rested my forehead against my knees, drew my legs closer to my form, and closed my eyes, ignoring the nausea that was slowly building inside. I wanted so desperately to not care and I didn’t, but when I was alone the thoughts and feelings came over me like a huge wave, suffocating me, bringing me under. My consciousness screamed at me, but I did not understand why. Or maybe I just didn’t want to understand.

“Here you go,” I opened my eyes and brought my head up to the sound of my brother’s voice. He was holding a steaming cup in his outstretched hand and I gladly took it, thanking him quietly. Alistair – brother’s black and white male husky – was sitting next to me, looking at me with a stern, somewhat disapproving look in his hauntingly beautiful pale blue eyes.

When I first came to Weybridge to live with my brother, Alistair took me off guard. He was an incredibly beautiful dog, the most beautiful I have seen from his kind, but it was not his appearances that made me a bit vary of him, it was his personality. It felt like he was too smart for being an animal. His regal stance and almost independent nature was something that surprised me every day in every possible way. Alistair was not in any way hyper or playful despite his young age, of course, he got excited when Christian came home, but overall he was a very serious and smart dog, always obedient and understanding. He was absolutely loyal to my brother and it seemed that he took a liking to me too, although sometimes it felt like he was taking a role of being another overprotective person in my life. For example, he completely disapproved of my friends – Helena and Inta were my sisters not by blood, but by choice. We have been friends since high-school and stayed strong ever since, and yet Alistair despised them. No, he did not bark, he did not raise his voice, but he was always near when they were around – always sitting beside me, always observing and never letting me out of his sight for too long. It seemed like he did not trust them with me and sometimes it got to my nerve to the point where Christian had to lock him up in another room until our guests would leave.

What I did like about Alistair’s “overprotectiveness” was his disapproval of other people in my life, well, in my sisters’ lives to be frank. Her name was Alena and she was the biggest pain in the ass one could imagine, and yet Helena and Inta adored her and occasionally came over with her in tow. It looked like I was not the only one who disliked Alena, because Alistair was always ignoring her, no matter how much she tried to pet and coo him. He just looked at her with his pale blue eyes and a bored expression, left her behind and placed himself next to me.

My brother Christian, who was two years older than me, despised her too, but unlike me, he was very patient and more polite in public. He put up with her obnoxious personality and so called sarcastic remarks and jokes, and sometimes even laughed with her at something absolutely stupid that came out of her mouth. I tried my best to ignore the fact that everything about her irritated me and tried to be polite, although at times it took too much energy – my resolve slipped and my mouth spat colorful words out which, if my mother would hear, would earn a slap on my cheek and the washing of my tongue with a soap until it bled. But that was the thing – I was stubborn, I was a “firecracker” as my brother loved to call me and I was absolutely explosive, and yet I was also caring, loving and could go miles for a person that I held dear to me, or at least that was what I thought.

After every slip, my brother was always making remarks about my sisters. He thought that they were absolutely brainless, spineless creatures that only knew how to drink themselves into oblivion and open their legs to anyone who’s willing, and he was not afraid of saying it out loud either. Of course, we argued and got into fights a lot – I defended them and he called them stupid and me mental for having friends like them.

It once, a few weeks ago to be precise, got to the point where I was packing my things to move out of his house and to go live with the girls, who had their own place in town and were more than happy to have me. Of course, it meant that I had to live under the same roof with none other than obnoxious bitch herself, but I was too angry at my brother to take it into consideration. I was in the middle of packing my things when Christian came into my room and awkwardly tried to apologize, which resulted in us shouting at each other and arguing some more. It all ended well – I started to cry like the big crybaby that I was, and he softened up, his big, chocolate brown eyes softening, hugging me and apologizing. We patched things up and everything was going great up until last night.

“How are you feeling?” his soft voice shook me out of my thoughts and my vision zoomed into the liquid that swam in the cup I was clutching in my hands. “Good,” my voice was coarse.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Christian asked with an edge to his voice. I shook my head. “There’s nothing to talk about, I went over the line and it won’t happen again,” I brought the cup to my lips and sipped on the green tea, my favorite.

Christian sighed and sat down on the porch’s last step beside Alistair. There was a car pulling into neighbor’s driveway and I took another sip examining the newcomers. As soon as the car was parked, my brother stood up and walked to the people that got out of the black minivan. Alistair did not follow, instead he got up from his sitting position and his tail was brushing my back. He was excited.

“There’s my boy!” The guy, who was the shortest out of the group, with tattoos covering his arm and aviator ray bans on his eyes, was coming towards us. Alistair jumped from the porch and ran straight to him, his tail wiggling. The guy hugged and petted Alistair and at some point the dog barked happily.

I looked behind them and saw my brother greeting newcomers – there were two guys and one girl who was trying to get something out of the backseat of the car. A guy with a grey beanie came up and helped her retrieve a baby’s car seat. She was putting a blue blanket on the baby and cooed at him while the guy with a beanie looked at them with a small smile, holding the seat by the handle. My brother and another guy with dark brown hair came over and engaged into conversation all the while looking down at the baby.

“Hey, Scarlett, right?” The guy, who I have completely forgotten, spoke, making my attention slip back at him. “Yeah,” I spoke quietly, bringing the cup to my lips again, sipping quietly.

“How are you feeling?” I looked at him, my eyebrows rising in confusion. “Oh, I’m Max,” he said sensing my confusion and tried to smooth out the situation by smiling nervously and making a step forward. “I was with your brother last night when we, uh, picked you up,” he rubbed the back of his neck. Oh.

“I’m fine, thank you for asking,” I replied and offered him a small smile, trying to avoid the conversation. I was not ready to talk about last night, and I was sure as hell not ready to talk about it with a stranger, let alone my brother’s friend.

“Well, if you need something or someone to talk to, you can count on me,” Max said, his smile turning brighter on his cute, bear-y like face, as he put his shades back on and left me behind. He came to my brother and greeted him with a loud cheer.

I stood up and walked back into the house, closing the door behind me.

* * *

“Where are you going?”
I finished applying mascara and closed the tube, putting it into my purse, as I turned to face my brother, “out.”

“Again? You were out last night and do you remember in what state I had to bring you home? You are mental if you think I am coming after you tonight too!” He crossed his arms over his chest and stood in front of me all mighty and authority. I ignored him as I put my heels on and did a final check in the mirror. “Do you hear me?” He asked again and I looked at him, my chin raised as the front door opened in the background. He did not care; he just looked at me his eyes disapproving. “I’ll be back in the morning, so don’t worry about it.”

I walked past my brother and was met with none other than Max himself, or at least I thought his name was Max. “Hey Scarlett, are you going out?” He asked, a smile never leaving his face. I offered one in return and nodded, leaving him also behind.

I was stepping over the threshold when I saw Alistair coming up the stairs with a guy I saw in the morning – the one with the grey beanie. He looked up at me and our eyes met. I averted my gaze trying to get away as fast as I could, but of course, my brother had none of it. “You’re not going anywhere!” His voice boomed behind me, but I ignored him placing my heels on the last step and going straight forward to my red beetle. “Are you deaf?” And again I ignored him – I was going out and I did not care what he said. He was not my father and I did not have to listen to him or anyone else in that matter.

As I was nearing my car, I was suddenly spun around. Christian’s furious chocolate brown eyes were staring down at me shooting daggers, but I held my ground and tried to get him to let me go. He did eventually and I tried to spin around once again, but he was having none of it. “Are you seriously going to drive? Scarlett, are you mental?” He shouted.

“How do you think I am getting to town and back?” I shouted back. Christian made it perfectly clear that he was not coming to pick me up.

“You were completely wasted and what else not yesterday. You are absolutely idiotic if you think I’m letting you drive or go somewhere for that matter!” He shouted down at me and I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. “I am not allowing you to go and drink yourself into oblivion with those whores so you can open your legs to anyone who’s willing!” There was a loud smack and suddenly the air was still. Christian turned his gaze back at me his expression somewhat stunned as the print of my hand was starting to turn red on his cheek. “I am not a whore,” I said through clenched teeth, my hand throbbing from the impact. He said nothing.

I turned away from my brother and got into the car, starting the engine. My arms shook from all the anger and I needed a drink, fast.