For You

A week has passed since I agreed to go out with Jaime. I wish I could say he’s been the worst boyfriend in the world and treats me like shit, but he doesn’t. He’s the complete opposite. He’s always kissing me kindly, and trying to make me smile. He makes me feel better when I’m upset, he treats me like a fucking princess and I hate it. I hate it because Jaime is actually putting effort in this relationship and I’m not.

“Do you want to go out and eat? I hear we have a free day and you haven’t been eating much.” Jaime says as we’re sitting on a couch in his bus. My head is resting on his chest and his finger’s play with my overgrown hair.

“I don’t feel like it.” I mumble curling closer to him and hiding my face in his chest.

“Come on Chris.” Jaime pleads pulling away from me so that I can’t hide from him anymore. “It’ll be good for you.” He reasons.

But I shake my head, “I’m leaving.” I mumble jumping up from the couch, but the sudden movement causes everything to sudden spin. I try to make my way to the door but I trip over my own feet and fall to the floor.

“Chris? Chris what’s wrong?” Jaime calls and I feel his arm wrap around me as he carries me to the couch we were just sitting on. He sits me down and rushes to get me some water. I take sips of the water before looking up to Jaime feeling embarrassed. “Let me help you back to your bus.” He whispers carrying me in his arms. We pass by Vic, he’s staring at me with cold stare as Jaime carries me off the bus and into the warm night air.

I cling onto Jaime’s shirt and close my eyes. “I’m sorry.” I mumble against his shoulder.

“It’s ok.” He whispers laying his hand on my head and brushing through my tangled hair.

I know it’s not ok. I know he knows something’s going on that I won’t tell him.

“You’ll tell me if something’s wrong right?” he asks as we near my bus.

I don’t answer him, because I don’t want to lie to him. I don’t want to say that I will tell him something when I know I won’t. Jaime opens to door to my bus and Hayden instantly starts asking what’s wrong. I quickly close my eyes and pretend I’m asleep as Jaime lays me on the couch softly.

“I think he was passing out.” Jaime says awkwardly.

“It must be because he’s stopped eating.” Hayden says more to himself then to Jaime. “Thanks for taking care of him.” Hayden adds gratefully.

“I tried to get him to come out and eat with me but he made some bullshit excuse and tried to leave. That’s when he just collapsed.” Jaime continues to explain.

“I’ll make sure he gets something to eat when he wakes up and call you later.” Hayden says and he reminds me so much of my mom it scares me a little.

Once I hear the bus door close I open my eyes and sit up slowly. Hayden’s staring down at me, his arms crossed and a small glare set. “You almost passed out Chris, what the hell!” he explodes suddenly causing me to shrink back in my seat.

“I’m sorry.” I whimper bringing my knees to my chest. “I’m sorry.” I repeat feeling tears running down my cheeks.

Hayden sits next to me and brings me into his arms and holds me closely as he rests his chin on the top of my head. “I’m just scared Chris.” He whispers softly rubbing my back softly to stop my cries. “I just don’t want to lose you.”



The next day I’m walking to Jaime’s bus alone. My hands are stuffed in my pockets and my head hangs low causing my hair to fall in my eyes. I’m embarrassed by what happened last night with Jaime, even more embarrassed by the look Vic gave me.

“I need to talk to you.” Speaking of the devil.

“What.” I whisper. I probably look defeated, completely given up. Because I have, I’ve given up on everything.

“You’re not ok are you?” Vic ask softly, genuinely sounding concern for me.

“What do you want?”

“Break up with Jaime.” He says in complete seriousness. “He’s been cheating on Chris, with Tony. Every night since you two started dating.” He tells me.

I look up to him with wide eyes, it’s actually not that shocking to me. But through the few weeks we were together he acted like he cared, like I mattered to him. Was it all a lie? Even though it doesn’t shock me it still makes me cry, I still break down like it actually affects me. Vic instantly wraps his arms around me and holds me close as I cry.

“I’m sorry this happened Chris, I warned you. I told you.” He whispers pulling away and looking down at me before giving me a soft smile.

“Thanks Vic.” I mumble taking a deep breath. “Where’s Jaime, I think it’s time to take us both out of our misery.” Although my misery will remain with me.

“On the bus.” He tells me before bidding me a goodbye and continuing on his way. I make my way to his bus before pushing open the door.

And of course there is Tony and Jaime fucking in the front of the bus. They notice me quickly and I blush and look away rubbing at my arms awkwardly as they redress. “Chris I’m so sorry.” Jaime apologizes resting his arms on my shoulders. I shrug him off and give him a little smile, “I just came to tell you I’m fine.”

“Chris I’m sorry Tony he means nothing to me.” Jaime reasons.

I snort and roll my eyes, “Stop lying to him, to yourself Jaime. You love him and you like playing these sick games where you hurt everyone involved.” I spit feeling completely fed up with everything.

“Chris calm down.” Jaime says calmly which makes me all the angrier.

“You lied Jaime, you lied to Tony and you lied to me and I thought you at least cared about me but all your care about is yourself and him but you won’t admit it.” I scream feeling tears rolling down my cheeks and that makes me feel pathetic. I’m crying over Jaime and our break up when I never really cared. “I’m done.” I whispered hurrying out the bus and making my way to my bus.

I run pass all the other buses the wind blowing in my face, the sweat drenching my clothes. The sobs racking my body.

I’m upset because I don’t have John anymore, I don’t have to John to run to and confess my feeling for.

I run into the bathroom of the bus and pull my razor from under the sink and bringing it to my wrist. I have no one, I have no one to love me, no one to love. Without thinking twice I drag the razor across my arm and watch as the blood bubbles up and spill over like a river of crimson. I sigh contently and rest my head against the wall.

I have no one.