I Mean This, Forever

I suddenly jolted awake, but I didn't hear anything as I opened my eyes. I wasn't dreaming either, I was just asleep and I guess my body decided it was time to wake up. I starred around the living room to see what could have woken me up, but there was nothing. Just a shitty apartment. I sighed looking around, the small room was illuminated by just one lamp on my kitchen counter making the whole living room and kitchen have only a small dark yellow glow to it. It seemed to lonely here, probably because it was. It was so quiet, not only could you hear a pin drop but you could probably hear it falling. 

My apartment was small, only a kitchen and living room connected and a washroom and bedroom. I liked it, it was cheap and kinda cozy, to me at least. Noting really seems comforting to me anymore though, not my job, not my parents, not my grandparents, my friends, co-workers, hobbies. Nothing. I'm just simply uncomfortable. It's weird to describe really, maybe that feeling right before you relax your shoulders sitting back into the seat at the movie theater. It feels like I'm about to become comfortable and relaxed, but it never happens. I'm not sure why. 

I've spent countless hours trying to figure out the exact reason I'm so depressed and lonely. But nothing comes to mind. Sure my job isn't the best, but it pays well and there's a really cute girl named Amy at reception who brings me coffee and eats lunch with me. But I'm still not happy. It's not the commute, although it is annoying, I have to take the train into New York every day to get to work and it's really annoying, but I deal. There's nothing else in my life that should bug me, but for some reason I am bugged. If you can call it that, my depression pisses me off. The only thing I could think of is just plain old clinical depression, I could go get meds but they dull artistic ability, which I need for work, and it costs money that I don't have. 

So I sat in my empty living room on my dirty brown couch starring at my apartment. There's something missing, a dog maybe a cat, or a roommate, a boyfriend or girlfriend. But I don't have any of those. I thought about talking to someone, because I was so bored, so I got out my cell phone and dialed my best friends number. I knew this was stupid, and I would only end up in tears, I just wanted to hear his voice. The phone rang out until I was brought to his voice mail making me bite my lip as he started to speak. 

"Hi, this is Frank Iero, I must be out, leave your name and number and I'll be sure to get back to ya. Remember, meat is murder!" Frank's voice said as the machine beeped. I hung up then as tears started falling down my face. 

It's been four years since I saw him, and nobody knows where he is. It's scares me so much that my little Frankie could be out there alone, or worse. I cringed at the thought a laid down on the sofa. I missed him so much, he was my best friend. We would do everything together. I taught him everything I knew. How to ride a bike, how to tp a house, how to get the shop owner at 7/11 to sell you cigarettes. He would listen to every word I said, every problem or thought I ever let spill past my lips, Frank would listen. There wasn't a day that he wouldn't listen to me. Actually, there was. 

On April seventeenth I dropped Frank off at school, since he was in grade twelve and I was out of school. He said he'd walk to mine after. Which I trusted. I sat at home watching TV when I glanced at the clock seeing that it was five o'clock. I furrowed my brow in confusion, school ends at three thirty and Frank should have been here by at least four, so this was weird. 

I called Frank's mom asking her where he was along with every other person I knew he knew, but none of them knew. Something was up, I called to my mom telling her I was going to pick him up, I didn't want her to worry. He was like a son to her. I drove to the school and searched the whole place but found no evidence of him. I was starting to panic. I went to the office and lied to them telling them I was Frank and my lock was broken, so they would cut it for me. 

When they cut it I opened the locker to see all of Frank's things, his bag wasn't even gone. That means where ever he went he left before the end of the day. I grabbed his bag and the rest of his things before heading back down to the office. I was panicking now, I didn't want Frank to be out somewhere alone while it was getting dark. I asked the lady if she could read me 'my' attendance from today. I nearly fainted. 

"You attended first but the rest of the day you were absent. You will have to-" After that point I stopped listening. I walked out of the office not knowing what was happening. 

Frank usually goes down to the 7/11 after his first class to get a coffee and more cigarettes if needed. I told him never to take the short cut, it was dangerous. That's where drug deals and shit happened. But he did it anyway, he needed to get back to class so the less time the better. Frank disappeared after first period, hopefully not in the alleyway. I walked down the short cut getting odd glances as I looked around for my nowhere to be seen best friend. He was gone. 

I couldn't man up to his parents and tell them, so I said he was sleeping over as I searched every inch of the city eventually not coming up with anything. My mom noticed something was wrong when I got home, and she found out when she said 'is it about Frank?' and I burst into tears. She knew I had a crush on him too, so when I said he was gone she knew I was hurt. Mikey also comforted me, being a good friend of Frank's. 

After years of searching we didn't find anything. No trace if Frank whatsoever. They searched the video camera, which made me excited for evidence, but I panicked when I watched it. Frank was at his locker when someone came up to him, he was tall and thin, with dark black hair. I could see him grab Frank's arm, Frank turned around and looked at him smiling, he knew who he was. Frank flung his arms around the mans neck before bolting out of the school with him. It was consensual. Frank left on his own will, so why hasn't he come back yet?

So now I sit every day on my sofa wondering where the hell my best friend is, and who that man is. Maybe he tried to find me, I just didn't see it. Frank was like a brother to me, except in the aspect where I wanted to fuck his brains out, but in the aspect that I couldn't live without him. Which isn't false, seeming as though every hour I spend when I have a day off is spent sitting on my sofa crying, sleeping, or getting drunk because of him, because I miss him. I know he wouldn't like what I'm doing to myself, not one bit. So I got up and went for a walk. 

It was about five a.m. and the sun was to come up soon, so I decided to head down to the landing that looked over the river. It was so cold out, but I loved it. I loved it because it's october 30th, one day until Frank's birthday. He would be twenty-two. I sighed lighting a cigarette once I got to the landing. I remembered spending countless evenings sitting here with Frank, just smoking complaining to eachother about our mediocre lives, and how we want to go far, in god knows what. 

"I think I want to be in a band." Frank said quietly pondering the thought. 

"That would be super cool. I could mouch off your fame." I smiled. 

"Oh shut up." Frank giggled resting his head on my shoulder. "Do you think I could do it?" He asked softly. I smiled interlocking our fingers. 

"I know you could do it."

We shared so many moments here, sadly not romantic ones. I dreamed of Frank one day looking up into my eyes as the sun set, whispering those three words I think every time I saw him. 'I love you'. But it never happened. We never said we loved eachother. We never kissed. We never made love. I still had that small glimmer of hope that I would see him someday, hopefully soon, and be able to tell him. I'd be able to kiss those lips that have been waiting too long to be kissed. 

Frank was eighteen last time we saw him, and he had yet to have his first kiss. And my heart sank when I realized Frank might have had is first kiss in the years we haven't seen eachother. Frank had his first kiss and I wasn't from me. I was somehow really bugged by this, I wanted to be his first kiss, I wanted to be his first love, his first hand job, his first fuck. I wanted to be his first for everything, but for all I know he could have done all those things while he was gone. I cringed at the thought. 

I was just nobody now. Not the supposed boyfriend of the cute short kid at Belleville high. Not the tall lanky artist. Not the good friend who listens to everybody. I was nobody, because Frank made me up. He was part of me. You never hear anybody say 'did you see Frank yesterday?' It's always 'did you see Frank and Gee yesterday?'. We weren't popular, just everybody knew us, and we were a pair, we wouldn't do anything without eachother. Now I have nobody. Nobody to come to my house after school so we can watch stupid horror movies all night. 

I guess this was a grieving process, even if he was still alive. He was gone and I'd have to face that. We probably never see eachother again, and I had to admit that. I needed closure, something to make me know, this is the end, and Frank's not coming back. So I got out my small sketch book I kept in my jacket pocket and took out the tiny pencil. I decided to write him a letter. 

Dear Frank Iero,

It's been four years since I've seen you, I miss you so much. I dropped you off that day, I remember it and replay it every day in my mind. I drove up to the school and you said 'see ya after school sweet cheeks' as a joke before leaning up and kissing my cheek like you always did. I didn't think much of that day, it was just a boring wednesday morning in Jersey with my morning ritual. You probably didn't think much if it either, we just led our lives as normal, till first period. 

After first period, Frank, you disappeared. Where did you go? Nobody knows. And it upsets me to no end knowing my little Frankie is out there by himself. I don't know who that man was, but I'm damn sure I hate him. He took you away Frankie, he took you away from your life. From me. And I can't forgive him for that. Not now, not ever. He took the only thing in my life that mattered to me, Frank. He took away you.

What you don't know is that since the day we met, I liked you. In a romantic sense. I loved the way you smiled and giggled and listened to every word I said, it made me warm and fuzzy inside. After a few years I found myself falling in love with you. I was fourteen when I admitted to myself that I loved you. And every day it got harder and harder not to tell you. I love you so much, Frank, and I never got to tell you that. So this letter is here to tell you, I'm sorry. I did my best to find you, but my best wasn't good enough. And even though I don't go a day without calling your answering machine just to hear your voice and burst into tears, this is my closure. I need to move on and I know you would want that for me. I know what you would say, probably something along the lines of 'you're such a fucking loser get your life in check bro'. I'd love to hear you say that, but I know that won't happen. 
And Frank, I want you to know that I will love you for the rest of my life, until every bone in my body turns to dust and is swept away with the wind, I will love you. With every fiber of my being Frank, I will love you forever. I mean this, forever. Please don't forget that. 

Love
-Gerard Way xo. 

I folded the paper up that was stained slightly by tears and placed it in the spot Frank use to sit, putting a rock on it so I wouldn't blow away. I knew Frank would never find this letter, and I knew someone else probably would and find it funny, but I did it anyways. It helped me. It made me feel, in a way, happy. Happy that I finally expressed my feelings for him. I never told anybody, not even Mikey. I kept it to myself, I was ashamed to be in love with him, I thought he would reject me, but that doesn't matter. 

"I love you." I whispered then turned away and walked back to my apartment, ready for work. 

I mean this Frank, from the bottom of my heart I love you, I mean this, forever.