I Miss You, I'm So Sorry

Alex’s P.O.V.

“Jack?!”

Alex could have sworn he was seeing things, that was until Jack tried to stand up straight, whacking his head off the ceiling. Biting back a laugh, Alex watched as he cursed under his breath and turned to look at Alex.

“Hi Alex.”

There was a moment of awkward silence, neither of them really knowing what to say to the other. Jack moved to the wall that they always used to sit with their backs against, and slid down it wrapping his arms around his knees.

Alex just watched his cautiously from the other side of the dimly lit tree house, waiting for Jack to make the first attempt at conversation.

“Hasn’t changed much in here huh? I was half expecting to find a family of wolves living in here.”

As he spoke he gestured to the four “walls” around them, before sighing and running his hand across the wood panels on the floor.

“Because wolves can climb rope ladders yeah?”

A look of realisation flitted across Jack features, before transforming into a goofy grin. Alex smirked, feeling accomplished at having outsmarted the boy, even if it didn’t take much.

“Wow, you can tell my IQ has gone up since we were last in here.”

Alex smiled sadly. Jacks occasional lack of common sense used to be one of his favourite things about the man, but now it just made his heart hurt.

Especially as the last time they had been in here was one of the worst memories for Alex. Judging by the uncomfortable look on Jacks face he was remembering the exact same thing.

“Why are you even here Jack?”

“Do you mean in this exact spot or at home again?”

“Both.”

Jack ran a hand through his hair, an action he always did when he felt anxious. Alex waited patiently as he waited for Jack to answer his question, he could practically hear the cogs turning in Jacks brain.

“Well I’m in this exact spot because I don’t want to go to sleep tonight.”

Before Alex even had the chance to respond to that Jack had started on his next sentence.

“And in answer to your other question, I don’t really know why I’m here.”

Alex looked at Jack sceptically for a moment. There was no way that he would have come back for good for no reason at all, it didn’t make sense in Alex’s brain.

“So you’re telling me you decided to just hop in a cab and come home after 5 years for no reason at all? Right, that makes perfect sense. Will you please for once in your life just tell me the truth, and stop treating me like an idiot.”

Jack looked taken aback by Alex’s little speech, even though it had all been said in a calm tone of voice. Regardless, Alex was glad that Jack knew he wouldn’t be trampled on like he used to be.

“Right, you want the truth? I got a phone call from the hospital because you had me listed as an emergency contact. The nurse explained what happened, that you’d been in a near fatal accident, and… I don’t know really… I just jumped on a plane without even thinking about it.”

Alex’s hard expression softened at Jacks words, and his heart swelled at the thought of Jack caring enough about him to just hop on a plane.

But as an afterthought Alex realised he couldn’t have cared that much, otherwise he wouldn’t have left in the first place.

“Well it’s really good of you to come back for me ya know, really shows you fucking care. Though you obviously can’t have cared that much, otherwise you wouldn’t have fucking left me in the first place.”

The sarcasm and venom was flowing think in his words, and anger was bubbling in his stomach at the mere sight of the man in front of him. Jack was still sat with his back to the wall, looking more and more taken aback and uncomfortable with every word that was leaving Alex’s mouth.

“Did you ever even fucking care about me Jack? Did you just pretend to be my best friend for all those years? Well you got what you wanted Jack, I trusted you blindly up until that day you left.
The day you left without even having the fucking decency to tell me where you were going and why you were doing it.
Well come on, I’m fucking waiting. Give me your amazing explanation as to why you left, go on.”

Alex was seething. His hands shook uncontrollable and tears of anger were threatening to spill down his cheeks. He watched with satisfaction as Jack opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water, glad that he had made his feel so small.

“I… I just… I can’t tell you right now Alex.”

That was the final straw for Alex. Every bitter thought he had came tumbling out of his mouth all at once.
“YOU CANT FUCKING TELL ME?! You know what, you’re the most selfish cowardly pussy I have ever known, and I really fucking hate you right now.
I would love for you to see all the shit I’ve been through since you’ve been gone, and you know what? I really didn’t fucking deserve this.
I worshipped the fucking ground you walked on, I thought you were the best thing in the entire world, and I really fucking relied on you, and you left without a second glance.
I fucking hope that one day someone destroys you, just so that you know how it feels to be shattered into a million pieces like I was.
But you know what? I couldn’t give less of a shit about you anymore, just like you never gave a shit about me.”

Alex finished his little rant, out of breath and with tears of anger, frustration and sadness rolling down his cheeks. He wiped them away angrily, waiting to see what Jack had to say for himself, only to see that he had stood up and was now in front of Alex, just a couple of inches apart.

Felling uncomfortable at the close proximity of their bodies, Alex tried to move away, only to have Jack grab his wrist to stop him. Alex felt the butterflies erupt in his stomach at Jacks touch, and he hated himself and Jack for how he still had this effect on him, even after all these years.

Alex shook him off, avoiding eye contact so that he couldn’t see the hurt in Jacks big brown eyes.

“Alex… please tell me you don’t actually think I never cared about you.”

His voice sounded pained, his facial expression twisted. Alex shrugged, still avoiding Jacks eye.

“Well if you won’t tell me the real reason you left then how the fuck am I supposed to know?”

Jack walked to the other side of the room, pulling his hair and making a noise of frustration. Alex said nothing, feeling like he’d already said too much in the short space of time they had been in there.

“I… I wish I wasn’t so much of a coward Alex, I wish I had the strength to tell you why.”

Alexs heart was pounding hard in his chest as he watched Jack turn back around to face Alex, only to turn back again and start pacing in the small amount of space they had.

“Just tell me Jack, please. I need to know. I won’t get angry again, I swear.”

Alex was whispering now, as if speaking too loudly would damage the fragile atmosphere between them. Alex could practically feel the conflicting emotions going through Jacks head right now, he looked as if he were about to have a mental breakdown.

“I’m not scared you’re going to be angry with me Alex.”

Jack turned away from Alex as he whispered, and Alex felt anxiety creep through his veins at the pain in his voice. What could possibly be so bad that he was getting in such a state about telling him?

“I’m scared you’re going to be disgusted with me, I’m scared you’re going to hate me. Though it’s possibly too late for the second one.”

It was annoying how Alex still couldn’t feel any kind of hatred towards the man in front of him. The only two emotions he felt at the sight of him were slight resentment, and huge amounts of overwhelming love.

“Though you’ve given me a million reasons to hate you, I still don’t Jack. Please just tell me.”

Jack nodded, the panic and fear Jack was feeling at that moment was obvious; he could practically see Jacks heart pounding through his thin t shirt.

“I’m freaking out so much right now Alex, you have no idea, I don’t want you to be disgusted by me.”

“Jack I swear to you I won’t be disgusted, just say it.”

He took a deep breath, and Alex was practically shaking with the anticipation. Jack seemed to curl in on himself as he spoke, as if he thought Alex was going to hit him.

“I was completely in love with you Alex. I always was, I still am.”

He wouldn’t look at Alex, and he was standing as far away from him as possible, while Alex stood shell shocked on the other side of the tree house.

A confusing swirl of emotions was swirling through his head all at once, making it impossible for him to think straight. He spoke the only coherent thought passing through his head at the time, which came out as a strangled whisper.

“Things could have been so different for me and you Jack. We could have been so happy.”

Jack looked confused for a minute as he looked at Alex for the first time in about 10 minutes, until the realisation dawned upon his face as he slowly walked closer to Alex.

“I don’t understand… are you saying…?”

“I loved you too Jack, so much. Why do you think I was so fucking broken when you left, my life was empty without you.”

Jack was stood about two inches away from Alex by this point, and with each step he took Alex’s heartbeat increased. Cupping both of Alex’s cheeks in his hands, he tilted his face upwards so that he was looking Jack in the eye.

Their noses brushed and Alex trembled, with both fear and anticipation, the adrenaline coursing through his veins like fire.

“Jack… we can’t…please don’t.”

Everything Alex was doing with his body was completely contradicting the words that were leaving his mouth. The way he was leaning his face into the touch of Jacks hand on his cheek, the way he would lean forward eagerly whenever their lips started to get dangerously close. He had waited too long for this moment, he wasn’t going to let it slip.

There was a battle going on in his body between his head and heart, and though he knew he shouldn’t want this he couldn’t bear to pull away, even if it did end in heartbreak again.

Jacks breath ghosted over Alex’s lips, making a shiver run down his spine as he felt the heat of Jacks lips just millimetres away from his own. Tilting Alex’s head up slightly with his hands that were on both of Alex’s cheeks, Jack pressed his lips against Alex’s softly.

Alex’s body was on fire. White hot blinding heat rushed through his bloodstream as Jack moved his lips against Alex’s softly and gently for the first time ever. A rush of thrill, adrenaline and love engulfed his body as Alex wrapped his arms around Jacks skinny waist, holding him as close as he possibly could.

Taking Alex’s bottom lip between his teeth gently, Jack ran his tongue over it while Alex breathed heavily, trying to gain some sort of composure. But that was impossible at the moment. Just being this close to Jack had Alex weak at the knees, desperate for more of the man he had been hopelessly in love with for so long.

Releasing Alex’s abused bottom lip, Jack covered Alex’s mouth with his own once again, licking all around every crevice in Alex’s mouth, as if he were trying to get to know every detail. A sound that sounded suspiciously like a moan escaped Jacks mouth as Alex moved his tongue to swipe against Jacks, before sucking on it lightly.

Pure happiness and bliss was taking over Alex’s body as Jack moved his hands from Alex’s cheeks, to twine themselves in his hair instead. Their kissing pace slowed down dramatically, until their lips were just brushing against each other’s lovingly every few seconds.

With one final peck to Alex’s lips, Jack pulled back slightly, his forehead resting against Alex’s.

Suddenly, reality came rushing back, knocking Alex in the stomach like a fist. He remembered the last time he had felt genuinely happy like this, and again it had been because of Jack. Only the ending to that story wasn’t a happy one.

Alex knew that he would never be able to handle something as heart breaking and soul destroying as that again.

So he did the only thing he could think of, letting his head control his heart for the first time that night.

He pushed Jack away.

“This can’t happen again Jack.”

Alex composed himself, flattening down his hair that had been messed up during their kiss, and grabbing the torch that he had brought with him. Jack seemed to be in a daze, just watching with a confused and heartbroken look on his beautiful face.

“Alex…?”

As Alex climbed out of the hatch in the floor and dropped down onto the ground, before breaking out into a run.

He ran as fast as his legs would carry him, he ran away from his fears, away from heartbreak, away from his happiness. He ran as fast as he could to put as much distance as he could between him and the love of his life, the cold numbing the feeling of pain and heartbreak.