I Miss You, I'm So Sorry

Jack’s P.O.V.

If there was one thing that Jack was sure of tonight, it was that he was going to get wasted. Since Alex’s visit guilt and anger and regret had been swirling in his brain, and he was pretty sure he would do just about anything to forget the look on Alex’s face just before he left.

Not even bothering to change the shirt he had been wearing for three days straight, Jack swiped his wallet and phone from the sofa and started to make his way down the hall. He was being as quiet as possible; he was pretty sure Rian would throw a hissy if he knew.

His efforts were in vain however as the kitchen door was thrown open with more force than necessary, revealing a very pissed off looking Rian.
“And where the fuck do you think you’re going?”

Jack cringed at the harshness of his tone, but carried on down the hall towards the front door regardless. It’s not like Rian could stop him from going out, it’s a free country.
“I’m going out Ri, see you later yeah?”

“No you’re fucking not, care to explain to me why Alex just stormed out of the house looking like he was gonna shoot someone?”
“You’ll have to ask him Rian, it’s not my problem.”

“You know one day you’re both going to realise that you’re a couple of fucking idiots, but until then I’m keeping out. Have fun getting wasted, asshole.”
He sounded beyond pissed off, making Jack feel bad because Rian has been nothing but lovely too him since he had been back. He didn’t feel bad enough to stay in.

Just as Jack was about to shut the front door behind him, he stopped short when he heard his name being called from inside.
“Hey Jack! Just… be careful and give me a call if you need me yeah? I left a key under the matt for ya.”

“Okay mother.” He said in reply, rolling his eyes. “But seriously…Thanks Ri.”
“You’re welcome you little shit.”

Jack got out of the house without any further interruptions after that, and he followed the same route into town that he had been using for the past two weeks. The fresh air seemed to clear his head a little, and the mere thought of alcohol made him pick up the pace of his footsteps.

He reached the grimy bar he had been drinking in recently and walked in, getting a sympathetic and knowing look from the bartender as he sat down. He didn’t even have to order; his usual was just slid down the bar after having being memorised by the member of staff.

Jack could only imagine how pathetic he looked right now; he was cradling the drink in his hands like it was his firstborn child, and his three day old clothes looked creased and dirty. His hair hadn’t been brushed in days and he more than likely still smelt like sweat from last night. He was sure he looked as dirty as he felt.

“I can see a time bomb a mile off Jack, and me and you would just tick away until one of us explodes. It wouldn’t be fair on either of us.”

That sentence had been swimming round Jack’s brain ever since the words had left Alex’s mouth, and the fact that he could still remember it was a clear sign that Jack had not consumed enough alcohol.

As if he had read Jack’s mind, the bartender refilled Jack’s glass, offering a kind and slightly pitiful smile as he did so. Jack nodded in thanks; though he was gonna need a few more to get all thoughts of Alex out of his head.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

Jack’s brown eyes were met with bright blue ones as he turned to look at the man stood next to him, who was leaning against the bar casually, staring at Jack intently. Jack offered him a small smile, which the man returned quickly.

“I wouldn’t waste your penny mate.” Jack said, earning a chuckle from the man as he pulled up a stool next to Jack.

Jack couldn’t help the flirty tone of voice he was using, the guy was gorgeous. His bleached blonde hair was pushed back off his face, showing off his chiselled jawline and his bright blue eyes were alight with interest.

“I’m Dan.” As he spoke he stuck out his hand, which Jack shook.
“Jack.”

The conversation flowed pretty easily after that, and they spoke about everything from music and television to their family and friends, there not being one awkward silence. It was easy to say that Dan was a great guy, and he was definitely attractive.

Every now and again he would do this little half smile thing that made Jack weak at the knees, and every time he would do it Jack would find his eyes immediately drawn to his lips. This would then make Dan smirk, and the cycle would be repeated.

Like right now for example, Dan was running his tongue over his bottom lip very slowly and very teasingly, and he seemed to be watching amusedly as Jack stared.

Jack suddenly realised that before he had started with the whole tongue thing, Dan had asked Jack a question. Jack had obviously been too concentrated on his mouth to hear because he couldn’t even recall what the question was about.

“I uhh… What was the question sorry?”

Dan let out a breathy laugh and leant forward slightly, biting his bottom lip before he spoke again.
“Doesn’t matter anymore. Wanna get out of here?”

Jack was pretty sure he couldn’t form coherent words because of the way Dan was leaning forward, so he just nodded dumbly and followed him outside, barely even registering the cold.
Probably won’t be home tonight, don’t wait up.
Jack scrolled through his contacts until he found Rian, then he hit send and caught up with Dan who was walking slightly ahead of him.

“My place alright?”
He spoke with a sweet and slightly shy smile, and Jack’s stomach lurched because fuck Dan was a gorgeous man. It was typical that the night he would be going home with someone so stunning, Jack would be looking his absolute worst. He was just surprised that Dan was giving him the time of day.

“Sounds good. How far away is it?”

Dan didn’t bother answering because as soon as Jack had finished his sentence Dan turned left to walk up the pathway towards a grotty looking apartment building.
“Home sweet home.” He muttered slightly bitterly.

The door that they walked through had the windows smashed in, and there was a strong stench of weed and piss on the staircase. Jack didn’t miss the way he purposely avoided the elevator, opting to go the long way instead.

“You don’t wanna be using that elevator.” He said, as though he had read Jack’s thoughts. “It’s kinda dodgy, I don’t trust it. Luckily I’m on the first floor.”

Jack nodded in response, and Dan smiled at him weakly and slightly embarrassedly. The walk up the stairs was a short one, because Dan’s front door was pretty much at the top of the first flight. Jack watched as Dan fumbled with the keys and opened the front door, gesturing for Jack to go in first with a smile.

Compared to the rest of the building, Dan’s apartment was like a fucking palace. Pretty much all the furniture in the room was either black or white, and every surface was spotlessly clean and tidy. Jack sighed in relief at the cleanliness of the place.

“Nice place.” Jack said genuinely, nodding his head in approval. Dan smiled widely at this, shrugging his jacket off and revealing the tight fitting black polo on underneath. Jack was trying his best not to stare at his body, but it was extremely difficult to tear his eyes away from his toned torso.

“I would offer you a drink, but I have other things in mind for you.”

Jack gulped at his words, licking his lips subconsciously as Dan walked closer to him ever so slowly.

Suddenly it was like everything kicked into super speed; Dan’s lips were on his own, kissing and biting and sucking as their bodies pressed together desperately. Jack found himself on top of Dan on his sofa before he could even register what was happening, watching as the man beneath him clung to his shoulders desperately as they grinded on each other.

There was a strange nagging at the back of his mind as they shed their t shirts, like something just wasn’t right about this situation. Jack pulled back slightly and looked at Dan for a second, before ignoring the nagging and diving back in for another heated kiss.

What they were doing felt good that was for sure, but it just wasn’t right. Dan’s lips were nice but they weren’t the lips he had been pining over. Dan’s body was toned and gorgeous but it wasn’t the body of the skinny boy whom he was in love with.

And when Jack pulled back and Dan opened his eyes, they weren’t the light brown honey coloured eyes he was hoping for.

Without even thinking about it, Jack found himself kissing Dan with a whole new hunger, a whole new need to be touched and to drag his mind away from the man who was at home with his boyfriend right now.

“I can see a time bomb a mile off Jack, and me and you would just tick away until one of us explodes. It wouldn’t be fair on either of us.”

“I loved you too Jack, so much. Why do you think I was so fucking broken when you left? My life was empty without you.”
Alex’s voice rattled around in Jack’s head like a caged bird, but that only made him kiss Dan even harder. Alex’s face was imprinted in Jack’s brain, yet that only made him press against Dan’s body even more.

The more he thought about Alex the more he needed to be touched and to feel like he was loved. So when Dan sat up from the sofa and started to pull Jack towards his bedroom Jack didn’t protest.

He shut out every thought and feeling and as he pushed Dan down on the bed, his movements robotic and his kisses lacking all emotion other than lust and desperation.

And every time he closed his eyes, Alex was the only person who crept into his mind.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

When Jack woke up the next morning, he was almost afraid to open his eyes. If there was one thing he had learnt from his two weeks full of one night stands, it was that the person you wake up to isn’t always as hot as the person you went to bed with.

Opting to meet himself half way, Jack opened one eye and peeked to his left where Dan was sprawled out naked under the covers. He sighed in relief when he saw that, yes, Dan was just as gorgeous as he had been through Jack’s beer goggles last night.

Funnily enough this was the first time in a while Jack hadn’t woken up feeling disgusted with himself, and he was sure it had something to do with the man who was sleeping beside him. Dan was a nice guy who could hold a conversation, and he was gentle and sweet and everything that Jack had been craving out of another human.

All of Jack’s one night stands had been cold hearted rough men, and Jack was stupid enough to let them use him, thinking it would help keep his mind away from things he didn’t want to think about. But instead they just made Jack’s self-hatred increase with each different man and each different bed.

Dan stirred next to him and rubbed at his eyes, blinking a couple of times before looking over at Jack and giving him a small smile.
“Morning. Can I use your shower?”

Jack couldn’t smell himself but he was sure that he must have reeked, and he really didn’t want to make Dan’s spotlessly clean house stink as bad as he did. Dan nodded at him and pulled the covers back, before walking over to the chest of drawers in the corner of the room and pulling out some clean clothes.

He chucked them at Jack’s head and then smiled sweetly, before exciting the room and shouting back at Jack from the hall.
“There are towels in the bathroom and the water takes a while to heat up.”

Jack smiled to himself and headed down the hallway before turning left into the bathroom and locking the door behind him, grinning when he saw that the bathroom was just as clean as the rest of the apartment.

True to Dan’s word the water took a good few minutes to heat up, but it was worth the wait. Jack could have moaned at the feeling of all the grime washing away from his body, and it was a relief to smell like Dan’s girly shower gel and shampoo rather than sweat and booze.

As he got dried and dressed he smiled at the clothes that Dan had chucked at him, noticing that he had given Jack a t shirt identical to one he owned himself. Jack had reached the conclusion that Dan was the sweetest guy ever. He could definitely see them being friends.

When Jack entered the kitchen he was met with a now dressed Dan, sat at the kitchen table drinking a coffee.
“Help yourself if you want some.”

Jack smiled at him, pouring some into a clean mug left on the side. He sat down opposite Dan, and though the kitchen was quiet it wasn’t awkward.

“Jesus you drink black coffee? That’s hardcore man.”
Jack grinned at that, the teasing tone of Dan’s voice making him feel comfortable, like they were just two friends chatting rather than two people who had fucked the night before.

“Yep I’m a caffeine junkie, though you’re clearly not as hardcore as I am.” As Jack spoke he raised an eyebrow at Dan’s mug containing coffee that was so milky it was practically a latte. Dan laughed and stuck his middle finger up jokingly.

“You wanna go out for breakfast or something? I’m fucking starving and there’s literally no food here.”
Jack smiled before draining his coffee and standing up. “Sounds good to me.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“What are you smiling at?”
The second Jack had walked through the front door Rian had been there, expecting Jack to be hung over and depressed like he normally was when he got home. Jack shook his head at Rian, but didn’t wipe the smile off his face.

“Nothing. I’m just happy.”
Rian narrowed his eyes sceptically. You’re just happy?
“Yep.”

With that Jack waltzed into the kitchen and helped himself to a glass of water, hearing Rian follow him in and sit down at the table.
“Spill Barakat, I’m not fooled by your vagueness.”
“I just had a really good night okay?”
“Is this to do with Alex by any chance?”

Jack’s smile faltered for a second, but he maintained his composure in front of Rian by gulping down some water.
“Nope. I met someone new.”

Rian blinked a couple of times, before shaking his head and deciding not to question it anymore. Jack left out the part about only liking Dan in the friendliest way possible; hoping that maybe the news of Jack’s happiness would get back to Alex. It was about time he got a taste of his own medicine.