I Miss You, I'm So Sorry

Rian’s P.O.V.

“What do you wanna do for your birthday honey?”

Rian glanced up at Cassadee when she spoke; putting down the sports magazine he had been reading and smiling sweetly at her.

“I was thinking about having a party actually.”

Cassadee raised one of her perfectly plucked eyebrows at him quizzically, knowing full well that he wasn’t really the ‘partying’ type.

“What kind of party?”

“Nothing too huge, only about 20 or so people.”

She smiled widely at that, her eyes brightening at the prospect of a social gathering. She had always loved having lots of people around her, and was what one would call ‘a social butterfly.’
It was her outgoing and friendly nature that had drawn Rian to her the first time they met.

“That sounds like fun, can I plan it?”

Rian smiled at her, before reaching across and ruffling her hair fondly, laughing at the way she scowled playfully.

“As if I’d let anyone else plan my birthday for me.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Jack’s P.O.V.

The night of Rian’s birthday party that he had been planning for days rolled round quicker than Jack had been expecting, and he found himself still in Rian’s room getting ready as the first few guests arrived.

Cassadee had been flitting around the house like a mad woman all day, and no matter how many times Rian or Jack offered help she would always turn it down, each time saying “You’re boys, you’ll mess it up.”

Jack sighed; putting down the bottle of hairspray he had been using and supposing that he had better go downstairs now. He had been pretty much dreading this event all week, as making small talk with all his old high school ‘friends’ wasn’t exactly his idea of fun.

An invite had been sent to Alex and Craig, but much to Jack’s relief, Alex had told Rian that they probably wouldn’t be able to come. The thought of watching Alex and his boyfriend being all cutesy together literally made him want to throw something.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Rian bellowing up the stairs at him, and he nearly knocked over various bottles of aftershave and other lotions in fright.

“JACKK!! DAN’S HERE WAITING FOR YOU!”

A genuine smile spread across his face at that, and he literally dropped whatever he was holding and bolted out the bedroom door and down the stairs.

Dan was stood right at the bottom of the staircase, wearing a tight fitting t shirt and his hair neatly gelled and perfect looking. His arms were opened wide, as it was practically a ritual for Jack to throw himself into Dan’s arms the second they saw each other.

Jack jumped from the fourth step to the bottom, where Dan caught him easily and wrapped his arms tightly around Jack’s skinny waist. Over Dan’s shoulder Jack caught Rian rolling his eyes at the two of them, before disappearing into the living room where most of the guests were.

Jack unwrapped his legs from around Dan before being was placed back on his feet gently, and taking a quick look at the bags under Dan’s eyes, Jack quickly assumed that the blonde man had been at Josh’s again last night.

“Busy night? You look shattered.”

“I was round Josh’s, so yeah it was a little busy… So tell me. Will I be meeting the famous Alex tonight?”

Though Jack tried hard not to let it affect him, the mere mention of Alex’s name made his stomach lurch.

“Uhhh no, I think he’s busy with his boyfriend tonight.”

Dan shot his a sympathetic look and patted him on the shoulder, before grasping Jack’s wrist and pulling him down the hallway towards the kitchen.

“Me and you are gonna have a good time tonight, you’ll have forgotten Alex even exists by the end of it.”

Jack’s heart swelled with affection towards Dan at his words, and acting upon instinct he pulled Dan into a hug and kissed the side of his head. Dan was smiling when they pulled away, and he ruffled Jack’s hair fondly as he spoke again.

“What was that for you big softy?”

“Because I think you’re fabulous, and the last month or so would have been unbearable without you.”

“My God you are so gay. But I love you, so it’s okay.”

With that he turned back to walk into the kitchen, motioning with his hand that he wanted Jack to follow him. And Jack did so gladly, vaguely wondering just how unhappy he would have been for the past few weeks if Dan hadn’t come into his life.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Two or so hours later and the party was in full swing, and there were much more people than expected crowding Rian’s fairly small house. Jack hadn’t actually seen Rian since the beginning of the night, but he could only assume that he was okay with the new unexpected guests.

Jack and Dan hadn’t left each other’s sides all night, Dan because he didn’t know anyone else, and Jack because he didn’t like anyone else. For the past two hours Jack had watched Dan get drunker and drunker, downing what looked like two kinds of strong liquor mixed together, until he was barely standing and completely incoherent.

And by the looks of things Dan was an extremely clingy drunk. He was currently clutching onto Jack’s hand like it was his lifeline, and Jack feared that if he were to let go then Dan would just topple over completely.

Jack spotted a vacancy on one of the sofas, so he very gently and carefully sat down on it, pulling Dan down next to him. But Dan wasn’t having any of that. He gained enough balance to stand up, just so that when he sat down again he was on Jack’s lap.

Jack didn’t really mind though, any kind of human contact these days was a godsend. Dan grinned drunkenly when Jack wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist, and he nuzzled his face into Jack’s shoulder, looking like he was about to fall asleep.

Jack started rubbing Dan’s back comfortingly, noting the way Dan snuggled closer into his body when he did so.

Jack was very much contemplating falling asleep alongside Dan, that was until he saw an all too familiar face across the room. Alex’s eyes locked on his and he looked unsure of what do, whether he should come over or just stay where he was.

Jack summoned all his courage and removed one of his arms from around Dan, gesturing to Alex to come over to where he was sat. That was when Jack suddenly remembered that he had another man pretty much asleep on his lap.

Jack lost Alex for a moment in the ever growing crowd of people in Rian’s front room, but he could only assume that Alex was following his instructions and was on his way over.

“Dan.” Jack prodded him in the side lightly as he spoke in his ear, trying to get the half asleep man off his lap so that he could talk too Alex properly. When Dan’s head resurfaced his eyes were weary and his normally neat hair was all stuck up in places, making Jack laugh at his less than perfect state.

“Would you mind getting up? It’s just that Alex is here and well… You know.”

Though Dan was extremely intoxicated and barely conscious, something seemed to click in his brain because his eyes focused and he sprung up from where he was sat immediately, making Jack’s lap feel cold.

“Sorry Jacky, good luck with him yeah?”

Dan’s words were so slurred that Jack could only just understand what he was saying, but he appreciated the mini pep talk anyway. Jack stood up just as Alex was finally able to make it over to where he was, looking jostled but gorgeous nonetheless, straightening out the t shirt that had been rumpled in the sea of people.

“Can we talk Jack? Like somewhere quieter?”

Jack nodded in Alex’s direction, not quite making eye contact before turning to Dan, who was watching the scene in front of him carefully.

“Are you alright on your own for a bit Danny?”

Dan nodded unconvincingly, slurring out something incomprehensible before collapsing back down on the sofa and letting his eyes drop shut immediately. Jack wasn’t too keen on leaving him alone in this state, but he figured there would be plenty of people around if he were to need anyone.

Jack hesitated before walking away still though, carefully taking the half empty cup out of Dan’s hand and sweeping his bleached blonde fringe from his closed eyes. When Jack turned back around he saw Alex watching him, so he pointed to the ceiling to gesture that they should go upstairs.

Alex led the way, fighting through the clusters of people on the staircase until they reached Rian’s empty bedroom, where Jack shut the door behind him, muting the racket from downstairs.

Alex was stood in the middle of the room looking uncomfortable, and biting his nails nervously. Jack was the first to break the new found silence, and as he spoke Alex gave him his full attention.

“So you wanted to talk?”

Alex nodded, pulling the sleeves of his shirt down over his hands and taking a breath in before speaking.

“I just didn’t want you to be mad at me for the other day is all.”

Jack shrugged, not in the mood to play Alex’s games. It would be the same thing again; they would take one step forward and then two steps back, just like they always did.

“I wasn’t mad, just confused.”

Jack could tell that his short and blunt answers were making Alex increasingly uncomfortable, and while he felt slightly bad for that, he couldn’t help but feel like Alex deserved it.

“I’m confused too.”

As Alex spoke he took a couple of steps forward, making Jack take a couple of steps back. It was funny how their roles had been reversed; usually Jack would be the one making the effort only to be shied away from, but tonight things were the other way around.

Alex caught up with him eventually though, and he grabbed Jack’s hands, twining their fingers together and looking at their interlocked digits. Jack gave up even trying to move away at this point, because everything he had ever wanted Alex to do was happening right now, so who was he to deny it?

“Actually Jack there’s another reason I came to talk to you, and it’s not because I’m confused… It’s because there’s only one thing I’m not confused about…”

Jack nodded and held his hand a little tighter, encouraging him to go on. Alex didn’t look up at Jack, instead he took his other hand and started to play with Jack’s fingers as he spoke so that he wouldn’t have to make eye contact.

“The only thing I’m not confused about… The only thing I’ve never been confused about is…” He swallowed “… Is how I feel about you.”

Jack could have sworn his heart had stopped beating for a minute. Alex looked up at him really quickly, only to look straight back down again blushing. By this point Jack’s heart was beating so fast and so hard that he wouldn’t have been surprised if Alex could hear it bashing against his chest.

Before Jack could say anything else, Alex carried on, stumbling over his words slightly in his haste to get them out.

“What I mean is… I’m… I’m fucking scared obviously, and I really don’t know what to do or what I should be feeling right now… but I know that… I know that for some reason it literally hurts me to stay away from you… And I guess what I’m trying to say is, that I’ve given up staying away from you, because I’ve realised that when I’m with you I’m… Well I don’t know I just feel happy and safe and like there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

The whole time he was speaking he didn’t look up at Jack once, in fact Jack was pretty sure that Alex didn’t move a single muscle in his entire body for the whole minute or two it had taken him to say it. Jack had barely moved either, and he couldn’t work out whether that was out of shock or overwhelming happiness.

But then the second Alex peeked up at Jack through his fringe, it was like Jack crashed into a wall of a million different emotions all at once, the most overwhelming one being joy and happiness and ecstasy, making it literally impossible for Jack to keep his lips away from Alex’s.

Their mouths crashed together in a haze of joy and passion and hunger, so strong that they were holding onto each other so tight that it was starting to hurt. But it was the most pleasant pain Jack had ever experienced, knowing that he was feeling Alex’s fingernails biting into his upper arm because neither of them could bear to let go of each other.

It was the most violent and most crazed filled kiss the pair had ever shared, but at the same time it was the most passionate and loving. There was no tongue, and their lips were barely even moving together anymore, but the feeling of having each other so close and feeling so emotionally connected was enough for the both of them.

When the door of the bedroom crashed open revealing a drunken couple more than likely looking for a bed, Jack’s and Alex’s lips broke apart, but they didn’t release the hold that they had on each other.

And though he had known it for years, it was that night that he truly knew that he would always be in love with Alex.