You.

You don’t want me, you don’t need me. Like I want you, like I need you.

You can never understand how I feel when I leave for tour. I know that there will be a part of me still here with you. My mind will never fully be on my drums when I’m performing, I’ll still be wondering what you are doing. Or who you are doing. There is no point in pretending anymore. We both know I’ll never have you like you have me.

That first time I saw you across the dance floor in a little Weybridge club you bewitched me. And you humoured me, you went on dates with me and told me you loved me. But you can’t see me the way I see you. You never wanted me like I wanted you and you never will. For those first blissfully ignorant months, I truly believed this would work, that you wanted me too, but then I went on tour, and you couldn’t survive that month with no one to feel close to, could you? I knew, the minute I returned to you that you had been with other men. But I pretended not to notice while you pretended it hadn’t happened. And every tour it’s the same story. You don’t even call. And all I can think about is having you back, just to touch you again. But you can’t feel me, the way I feel you.

I’m just another guy you happened to meet at a nightclub like you have so many others, only this one wouldn’t let go, would he? The young naive, blue-eyed drummer that just wants to know someone is waiting for him back home, he was just an easy target for you, wasn’t he? But I can’t steal you, like you stole me.

I know all this, and yet I still pretend I’m blind to it. Maybe if I ignore it for long enough, it will stop being true. Can that happen? Maybe if I pretend you want me like I want you, one day you really will. I mean, it’s impressive you’ve held on this long. Or am I just your safety net? You know that if you can’t another man who will take you home for a night I’ll be back soon, and you can have me, like you do, so completely.

One of us needs to break this off. It’s a dead end relationship. I want you so much more than you want me and it’s not fair. If only I had had the guts to actually tell you all of this, maybe this pain would end. But I can’t. I can’t say it. Because no matter how much it’s hurts that you don’t want me, I want you in my life.

I need you in my life.