We Both Know That I'm Not Strong

The hospital smell penetrated his nostrils the second he stepped one foot inside the building. His heart thumped in his chest, he even heard his own pulse in his ear as he hurried through the corridor. Trying not to run, as the nurses had already yelled at him for speeding, Liam continued to make his way to Louis’ room.

But when he arrived at the door, the boys’ were outside, sitting on a couple of white plastic chairs. Why weren’t they in the room with Louis? Liam felt sick, like he was about to throw up. Tears were stinging behind his eyelids but he refused to let them fall. Breaking down wasn’t an option in this moment.

“What’s going on?” Liam asked, voice slightly quivering. “Why aren’t you in there?”

When the three boys turned their heads, Liam wanted to forget the sight, erase it from his memory. Zayn’s eyes were puffy, cheeks stained with tears. Harry looked stressed, more than usual that is. Liam knew Harry would easily get stressed. Niall looked the most composed, but he looked tired. Dark circles beneath his eyes were clearly visible on his a bit too pale skin.

“Like Harry said, there were some complications that showed right after he woke up and they’re doing some tests to see if there’s anything else. The doctors just ushered us out before we could call you.” Niall said with a hoarse voice.

“What’s wrong with him?” Liam asked, worry more apparent on his face.

Liam could see how Niall prepared himself. Taking a deep breath before releasing slowly, closing his eyes for a second or two before meeting Liam’s tear filled ones. Liam didn’t really want to hear, didn’t want to listen. It would be bad news, so bad news, too bad news.

“He- He can’t talk properly.” Niall told him.

“What do you mean?” Liam asked, voice wavering as he spoke.

“The words- they won’t come out properly. It’s like they get stuck on the way out.” Niall continued.

“Oh my god… Oh my god.”

“I’m so sorry.” Niall said quietly.

It was like the air had disappeared from his lungs, like he was choking on nothing. Tears had made its way down his cheeks, just like they had on Zayn only moments ago. The blood was cold in his veins, almost frozen as he felt arms wrap around his quivering body.

“H-he can’t- He can’t sing.”

“I’m so sorry.” Niall repeated in his ear.

“I d- I don’t- I can’t- He’s- He-” Liam couldn’t get out a single word out between the sobs that wrecked his body.

“Ssh. Breathe Liam, breathe.” Niall whispered.

It was like the time stopped, he didn’t know what was happening. He couldn’t hear, he couldn’t see and he could no longer feel Niall’s arms around him. It scared him, frightened him. After realizing that Louis couldn’t sing, Liam felt like he could give up. He wanted to dig a hole in the ground and bury himself. Because Louis could no longer do what he loved.

He was cold, and he couldn’t imagine what Louis must feel like, all alone with those doctors, doing all those tests. He must be terrified, Liam thought has his senses came back. The hairs at the nape of his neck stood up as the door to Louis’ room opened.

“You can go see him now if you want, and I’ll come back with the results.” One of the doctors said before leaving with a simple wave toward the door, gesturing that they were allowed to go inside.

Breathing was difficult, it felt like the air wouldn’t go down in his lungs as he walked through the door. He feared what he was about to see, even if it was the person he loved. But he didn’t want to see Louis so wrecked, so destroyed and broken. So hurt and fragile. He wanted Louis to be strong and happy, but he knew it wouldn’t be that easy if he couldn’t speak, if he couldn’t sing. Singing was his life, their life, together.

“Louis?” Liam said quietly, realizing that none of the others had followed him inside.

His heart literally broke when he saw Louis’ tear stained face, eyes puffy and red from the obvious crying. I didn’t feel right, at all. Before he knew it, he had tear tracks down his own cheeks, the warm droplets felt warm against his cold skin. He were both happy and sad, because he had been longing for the day when Louis would wake up to come, but it was devastating that Louis could no longer express himself with his voice.

As he walked up to the bed, the one that now had almost formed a Louis shape form in the middle, he saw a new set of tears running down the older males face. It was the first time he’d seen his boyfriends eyes in so many days, weeks, months. And this was not how he wanted to see them for the first time.

“Hey baby. I’ve missed you.” Liam said as he embraced Louis.

“I haa…” The words wouldn’t come out the way he wanted, the way they were supposed to come out.

“Ssh… It’s ok, it’s going to be ok.” Liam whispered, heart aching terribly in his chest.

Liam held him, not wanting to let go and neither was he thinking about it. Unfortunately, they were interrupted by the same doctor who had told him that he was allowed to go inside. Liam felt his heartbeat increase as he watched the doctor stand at the foot of the bed, a clip board clutched in his left hand and a pen in his right.

“We didn’t have to look long to see the injuries and consequences the accident had on mr. Tomlinson’s brain.” He told them, eyeing them quickly before looking down at the papers in his hand. “Would you like to know what they are?” He asked, looking up from his papers.

“Yes, please.” Liam said quietly.

“As you can see from the physical injuries mr. Tomlinson were unlucky to have due to the accident, he has suffered from a hit to the left side of his head, which has lead to some difficult consequences such as severe speech impairment, reading- and writing disabilities also known as dyslexia which at this occasion has been caused by the head trauma and also worsened numeracy also known as dyscalculia.” The doctor told them, looking at them the whole time before continuing. “He’s also suffering from impaired motor skills, which will affect his ability to use, for an example, cutlery. And we’re really sorry about all this and I do wish that there was something we here at the hospital could’ve done to prevent this.”

“Ok, thank you doc.” Liam said, not really knowing what to say from the shock.

“Do you have any questions?”

“Is there anything in particular that I- we could do to help him?” Liam asked.

“We will of course offer rehabilitation and access to physiotherapist for him, and i would probably recommend a psychiatrist for both of you to help you overcome this hard time and frightening experience. And if i were you, I would just stay together and help him through all this, help each other.” The doctor answered.

With an apologetic nod and a sad and distorted smile, the doctor left. Seconds later Harry, Niall and Zayn crowded around them, embracing the crying couple. They had heard the new too, Harry had told them as tears spilled over his cheeks. The door had obviously been slightly ajar and the doctors bad speech had been heard. Liam was actually quite happy that they had heard, because then he wouldn’t have to tell them and watch their reactions. It would just break his heart further.

“It’s going to be ok Louis, I promise. We’ll get through this.” Liam said.

The younger cradled Louis’ face in his hand, cupping his cheeks and rubbed his thumbs slowly over the skin. With careful movements, he softly placed his lips on Louis’. They were going to get through this, all of them, together.