When I Looked at Her

I think I can honestly say that I've been in love only once and I've been good at denying it for years. You're not supposed to love your best mate's girl. That's not what you do. Or at least it's not what I do. It goes against everything I stand for, so I had to put up a front.

Truth is I fucking love Genevieve Walker. I had loved her since I was a teenager and I loved her now as an adult. Watching her with my best friend absolutely fucking destroyed me. Watching her look at my best friend with love and adoration killed me.

It was late at night and I was just walking home from the end of Josh and Genny's wedding party. I couldn't believe they were finally married. I honestly never thought it would happen. I figured one of them would give up eventually, as bad as that sounds. They never gave up, though.

I watched them exchange their vows earlier today and it felt like a knife was being thrust through my heart. I sighed and lit up a cigarette as I grabbed my cell phone out of my pocket.

"Hey, are you busy now?" I asked the person on the other end. There was someone I needed to see, and I needed to see her now. I realized that I couldn't be alone tonight. I didn't want to be.

"Okay, I'll be right over." I nodded. I put my phone back in my pocket and walked in the direction of her townhouse.

I opened the gate and walked up the drive towards her front door. I knocked on the door and leaned against the door frame and waited. I saw a light flick on inside and knew she was on her way. She opened the door and stood in front of me in black sweat pants and a big University of Surrey pullover hoodie.

"Hi," She smiled up at me. I leaned down and kissed her forehead and walked passed her as she let me into her house. I kicked off my shoes and hung my suit jacket up in the closet.

"The wedding was today, huh?" She asked, already reading my mood. As if the suit didn't give that away already.

"Yeah, it was today." I sighed, running my hand through my hair and then looking down at her.

"I have beer?" She suggested. I laughed and nodded. The girl knew me well. I followed her towards her kitchen and hopped up on the counter. I watched her as she walked to the fridge and grabbed two beers. She opened them and handed me one before she hopped up on the counter as well.

"What was it like?" She asked.

"Do you remember when you found out Ryan was getting married?" I asked, referring to the man she had been in love with at one point.

The 'she' I went to is named Alena. I had met her a few years ago in a coffee shop. She was sitting by herself in the back of the shop and crying. I had gone over to her and asked her if she was okay. We had instantly had a connection and we've been each other's crutch ever since.

Ryan had been her high school sweetheart. They had started dating in the ninth grade and dated all through high school. They were the couple that everyone expected would get married and have babies by the age of 24. Alena told me that she always thought that would happen, too. That was until Ryan had gone off to school in London and had fallen for another girl. He left Alena and within a year was engaged to his new girlfriend, Brooke.

I had met her a few days after he had left her for Brooke and we've been saving each other since.

"Yes, yes I do." Alena nodded, looking at her feet.

"I think I finally understand how you felt," I sighed, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. "It's like someone has tied rope around your lungs and is stabbing you in the chest. It's so painful. I didn't think I could make it through that."

I remember the day Alena had found out that Ryan was getting married. I had never seen someone so upset and distraught. She was an absolute mess. I had to basically carry her everywhere because she couldn't walk. She got to my front door and had collapsed in my arms. I had come to her in similar ways throughout Josh and Genny's engagement.

"You're okay now, love." Alena smiled softly up at me. She put a hand on the back of my neck and gently pushed her fingertips into my skin. I couldn't help but shut my eyes and inhale deeply. Alena knew everything about me. She knew everything from my strange habits when I eat, my vices and the things that made me shiver.

I couldn't help myself so I turned slightly to my right and kissed her hard on her mouth. She kissed back quickly and tugged at my hair. I hopped off of the counter and lifted her off of it and into my arms. I carried her upstairs towards her bedroom, dropping her on her bed.

This wasn't the first time we've had sex, and I seriously hope it's not the last. I like Alena. She's there for me when I need her for anything I need her for. Whether if it's for my sexual frustrations, career frustrations or just even a bad day she's there for me. We were just good friends who understood each other.

I didn't have to pretend anything with Alena. When I was mad, I let her know. When I was happy, she knew it. I didn't have to hide emotions or feelings because I was afraid of how she would react to them.

Alena ran her fingertips over my facial hair as I tugged down the side of her sweatpants showing off her hips.

"She never deserved you," Alena whispered to me as I pressed my forehead against her own.

It was the same words I uttered to her the day we found out that Ryan was engaged. We had found out while we were hanging out at a mall together and saw Ryan and Brooke. Ryan had made the mistake that Alena and I were dating, not wanting to make the situation awkward I had gone along with it making it seem like Alena and I were together.

I remember the way Alena held my hand when she saw the ring on Brooke's finger. I could never forget that. It was as if she was hanging onto me and I was the only thing keeping her upright. We had gone back to her house where she had collapsed into my arms and cried for hours. She had begged me to 'make it go away' and to have sex with her. I was never really one to turn down a request like that.

I had laid her in her bed, much like we were now, and I had whispered to her that he had never deserved her.

It's odd how things come back to you like that.