Coast of Maine

“This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed
But I have loved you from the start”

Silence , that what I I’ve heard for the last two days. Nobody dared say anything, afraid something big would come out of it. Charlotte and Desi had refused to leave my house the last two days except get a new change of clothes. They were past pissed. Their anger however, couldn’t compare to Kennedy. He could barley look at me after I revealed who the father was. John, he was a completely different story. He was too shocked to say anything, barley blinking or moving a muscle. He didn’t even realize when Pat was dragging him out the house, with the rest of the guys following behind the first day when I dropped the bomb.

For the past two day all I could do was sit. I didn’t even both to leave my room, unless it was to feed the twins, bath them or put them to sleep. Other than that I was in my room staring at the ceiling, as if wishing for it to cave on me. I seriously was going crazy, god in no time I’d probably end up in a crazy hospital. You know the one with the big guys, the puffy walls, and the big needles. Oh Buddha, I can picture it now I in all white, surrounded by big puffy white walls, wrapped in that weird buckled restraint thing they use in the movies. Oh geesh, I’m not going crazy I am crazy, guess I don’t need a doctor to say it now.

I stood up and shook my head, I really do have problems. I looked around my room; I knew I need to leave these solid gray walls before I started to talk to imaginary people. Just thought had me scurrying over towards my room door. Slowly, I opened the door. When it creaked a little I jumped back and sucked in a breath. I counted to ten, not hearing any footsteps I deemed it safe that nobody heard the door. Peeking out I could hears hushed voices coming from down the stairs, and I could tell there were more than three people downstairs. Deciding against going downstairs I tiptoed my way over to Jenny and Jayden room. God, I felt like an escaped criminal in my own house. I know the twin where most likely in the room, since this was about the times they were put down for their naps.

Once of the girls were probably in the room with them, which I knew it would be easier. Since, Charlotte and Desi got over the whole initial shock that John was the twins father, they’ve been supportive even though they still felt animosity towards me. I knew they didn’t hold any grudge over me, they just hated that I kept something like this a secret from everyone especially them since we were supposed to be so close. If they did, basically WW3 would be erupting throughout the house nonstop.

As I got closer to the twins room, I heard soft humming. My eyebrows furrowed. It was odd to hear humming from the room. Usually, when the twins were sleepy all they need was a bottle of warm milk and they were out like a light. I pushed the room door open slowly, so I was able to see everything in the room. The sight in front of me shocked me to no end. I felt like time has stopped, and someone was changing around the scene in my eyes. What I saw, was something I thought would never happen.

Standing there, swaying side to side, stood John O’Callaghan, rocking a sleepy looking Jayden who had his father shirt fisted in his little palm. He was speaking softly to him, as if he was waiting for him to answer. The sight made my heart beast faster than I thought was possible. I could feel the thumping in my ears, and I swear my heart beat was bouncing off the room walls.

“My precious baby boy” He whispered. “God, how could I not know about you? You’re a little me, I made you. I brought you into this world and I didn’t even know it. To think I could have missed so many more years, my little boy.”

At that moment I felt like crying. I felt even worse when he bent his head down and lightly kissed Jayden forehead brushing his hair to the side of his face. It felt like my whole word was crashing down. I felt absolutely horrible. Here was a man I thought couldn’t be compassionate to save his life, treating a child that he didn’t even know he had till a few days ago, like it was the most sacred jewel in the entire world. He wasn’t even questioning if the kids were a hundred percent his, he already was stepping into the role of their father. I was the worst person in the plant. I kept the twins away from their father, the truth of my actions were finally sinking in. I can’t believe I was going to let their life pass and never tell John. I was really going to let my children grow up thinking their father didn’t love them when actuality he didn’t he know the two of them existed. I have no right to call myself a mother, who would willingly let their children grow up bearing those thoughts willingly.

What if, Kennedy and them weren’t ever at the restaurant? What if I never fainted? What If I never ran into Charlotte and Desi at the supermarket? What if they didn’t come to California? Would I have ever told John he had two kids? Would Jayden and Jenny have grown up thinking their father didn’t love them on bit? So many questions were floating through my head, and I was feeling too many emotions to name at the moment.

I didn’t realize tears were falling down my face until a chocked sob escaped my mouth. John head snapped in my direction. Every emotion possible was flashing in his eyes. I felt my knees give out, and I dropped to the carpet covered floor, my hand clenching the fabric around my heart. My body was hunched over as I sobbed into my thighs. How could I do this to him? He never did anything bad. Yes, he got drunk and sleep with so many girls, but he was a rock star that what they do. I never gave him a chance to prove to him that he could be the perfect father figure to his two beautiful kids. Never gave him a chance to be there and prove that he could live the life of fame without bring that kind of environment around the twins.

I heard muffled footsteps walk across the room, before stopping in front of me. I knew it was John. I heard him crouch down in front of me. His skinny yet muscular wrapped around my petite frame. Not caring anymore, I clung to him like a desperate child. I buried my face into his white t-shirt clad chest. His hands rubbed up and down my back in a soothing manner. He whispered sweet nothings into my ear. I know at that moment I was terribly wrong.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry John please forgives me, please” I cried into his chest.

He didn’t respond to what I said he simply continued to rub my back up and down.

I don’t know how much time passed before I started to calm down and my breath started to come out in short breaths as my crying stopped. When I felt like I returned back to normal I let go my grasp on my John, as he released me from his hold. I wiped my eyes quickly while releasing a deep breath. Mustering up all the courage I could, I leaned my head back to be able to look him in his eyes. His eyes caused me to suck in a breath. He face looked blank, his eyes looked ice cold as if he couldn’t stand the sight of me at the moment. That was enough to make my eyes water again, but I sucked it back in refusing to have another crying spell.

“I’m sorry” I said again, my voice coming out as a whisper.

At that moment John stood up and looked down at me his eyes reflecting a china doll “Sorry doesn’t help”

With that he walked out the room, leaving me to crumple into a crying mess once again on the nursery floor.