City of Fools

After Alex’s little episode in the bar, I decided that it would probably be best not to bring it up again, if he even remembered it. I couldn’t help but wonder what he had meant, though. He didn’t get a Nemo? A Nemo being an illusion to deal with grief, what would he need one for? What had he been through? Whilst pondering this, I thought about his lack of family photos and reluctance to expand on his family life past “I was born in England”. This was when I was struck by the realisation that, well, I really didn’t know anything about him. I mean, I knew him. I knew him as a person, I knew how he was, his quirks, how his hand felt in mine, the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled. But, when it came down to it, in reference to the kind of information that would be in his doctors files, I barely knew him at all. It was kind of a ludicrous thing to think about, considering the situation. I didn’t really need to know that stuff, as far as I was aware, but either way I felt a little deprived. If I asked him, though, he wouldn’t want to tell me, and there’d be silence and I’d feel stupid and he might even get mad. It would be awkward at best. Alex was the kind of person that would tell me when he was ready, when he wanted me to know… And I respected that.
Regardless, he had just had some sort of mental breakdown, so I had to find out soon what was behind it all.
Due to Alex’s strange preference of drinking in the mornings, there was no such feeling of “damn, did last night really happen?” or “new day, new start”, only the images of the horrific start to the day looming over our heads. For me, the screaming was the worst part. I’d never much appreciated screams. Which isn’t irrational at all, because what good thing ever came with a scream?
A scream comes along with frustration, stress, unhappiness, shock or fear. Also any combination of those and even all of them at the same time.
And Alex’s screaming had been no exception; it replayed over and over again in my head, the painful sound of a man’s dire unhappiness surfacing. It rang through my head all day until it started to feel like I’d been the one drinking.
He seemed to notice something was bothering me. We were sat across from each other on his sofa, our feet touching, whilst I texted my boss that I was completely healthy and fine and ready to come back- I was however shot down once again and told to “stay put” until my “recommended recovery time” had passed- and Alex pretended to be watching TV. He was particularly good at avoiding passivity yet looking like he wasn’t.
“What’s up, Tay? Something’s eating at you.”
I sighed inwardly at his ability to read me so easily.
“I… I just, it’s really stupid.”
“I’m sure isn’t.”
I frowned, shuffling to sit up so I could look at him properly.
“I feel like… like I don’t know you.”
He seemed to ponder this for a moment, before clearing his throat and speaking with a surprising amount of confidence.
“You’re right.”
“Huh?”
“That is stupid.”
I laughed slightly, throwing a cushion at him as he smirked. He caught it, smiling as he moved over to sit next to me. “Tay, you know me better than anyone. I thought you knew that.”
“I do… I mean yeah. I know you. I know all of your mannerisms, the way you think, the things that make you happy. But I don’t know about you. I mean, the basics. I don’t even know your full name.”
He smiled, picking up my hand and threading his fingers through mine. “Alexander William Gaskarth,” I felt him squeeze my hand. “But in all fairness, I don’t know yours either.”
“Taylor Kathleen Jardine,” I offered. “Where did you grow up?”
“Baltimore.” He smiled, and I mean he really smiled; his eyes glimmered as he thought about it fondly. “Jack, too. We grew up together. We moved to New York a couple of years ago, after, uhm…”
The nostalgic look in his eyes was replaced by something I couldn’t read as his words faded out.
“Yeah, anyway. I went to college there and stuff. Studied Music and English. Did alright, apparently. I write songs and sell them now. Did I not tell you that?”
“Definitely not,” I moved closer to him, intrigued. “But why sell them? You’re good enough by yourself.”
He laughed slightly, the unreadable look in his eyes still present. “That lifestyle’s not for me.”
I nodded. “Fair… Family, then?”
“Ah,” He squeezed my hand again. “That is a story for another day.”
He offered me a smile that made me melt in my boots, before leaning in to kiss my cheek.
“You are so ridiculous,” I sighed. He frowned slightly.
“Because I won’t talk about my family?”
“Oh, no. I just,” I laughed at myself, gesturing at him. “Just you. All of this. It’s ridiculous.”
The smile returned. “I think I can live with ridiculous, you know.”
“Yeah,” I looked down, pondering the fact that despite Alex’s drastic imperfections, he was certainly as close to perfect as I had ever been- or had any desire to be.

“So where do you work?” Alex brought the whole getting-to-know-each-other thing back up a few hours later as he returned from making us coffees, setting them down on the table. “Uhm,” I cleared my throat awkwardly. “Why do you ask?”
“Well,” He began dramatically, sitting down with his legs draped across the sofa, his boots in my lap. “You’ve effectively just had some kind of mental breakdown yet you’re frantically texting your boss asking to go back, and you just seem really into it. Also you never brought it up even though it’s clearly important to you, and I never actually thought about any of that in any depth until you questioned my asking and now I really do want to know.”
I smiled absently as I played with the laces on his boots.
“Bit of a poor effort for someone that pays so much attention to detail.”
“It’s more an attention to importance in de- hey, stop changing the subject.” He pouted at me jokingly before taking a sip of his coffee.
“Alright, fine. I’m a teacher.”
I found that my abrupt answer had the desired effect as I watched Alex choke on his coffee. He leaned forward, getting his breath back, before turning me and smiling the most dazzling smile.
“What?”
“I..” He shook his head, in what appeared to be some kind of amused disbelief. But then again, I never could read him.
“It’s just,” The smile did not falter as he ran a hand through his hair before moving closer to me.
“You never fail to surprise me, you gorgeous little bundle of wonderment.”