City of Fools

It turned out that winter had somehow rolled around without my noticing, and also that it was Alex’s favourite season. It was mine too; I just approached it with a little less… enthusiasm. So after he’d woken up to a snowstorm, I’d woken up to a pillow to the face.
“Alex, I thought we discussed this. You don’t wake a sleeping woman.” I grumbled into the pillow as I lay face down.
“Not even when it’s snowing?”
“Yes, even when it’s- wait, what?”
I dragged my head up from the pillow to be effectively blinded by Alex dramatically flinging the curtains open.
“It’s fucking snowing! Put your coat on!”
“I’m not even awake right now.”
I could hear Alex’s frustrated sighs and grunts despite my half-conscious state. Until he gave one last long sigh, before standing on the bed and, yes, jumping.
“Waaaaake uuuuuuup.”
“Oh my god Alex what the fu-” My groggy complaints were cut short by my surprisingly painless fall to the floor.
“I put cushions on the floor to break your fall. You’re welcome.”
“You suck,” I whined, blinking in an attempt to get my eyes to adjust to the obscene brightness that invaded through the curtains.
He laid stomach-down on the bed, his head hanging over the edge just inches above mine.
“But you love me,” He smiled, and his eyes were all pretty and lit up in a way that I couldn’t even explain and could certainly never resist.
I sighed, my hands reaching up for his neck as I lifted my head to kiss him.
“Clearly that’s true.”
He grinned, moving forward to catch my lips again.
“Which is why you’re going to come out in the snow with me.”
“Ugh. Right, sure. Okay.”
He fist-pumped the air in victory as I attempted to stand up and drag myself to the bathroom.

“Taylor Kathleen Jardine, you are not wearing enough clothes.”
I had in fact emerged ten minutes later in jeans, a shirt, a coat and boots. A perfectly reasonable amount of clothes for a walk in the snow.
“I’ll be fine. Also, just because you know what my full name is now, it doesn’t mean you can use it.”
“Someone’s cranky.”
“Don’t push it, Gaskarth!”
He laughed, throwing an arm around my shoulder and pulling me in to kiss my head. “I’ll just go get you some winter stuff.”

Once I was adequately, Alex-standard kitted out in winter clothing, we walked outside. Well, I walked outside. Alex more flung himself out of the door- which resulted in him falling face first in the snow.
“I meant to do that,” He announced as he stood up and brushed himself down.
“Right.”
He grinned, lacing his gloved fingers through my own and leading me in the direction of the park.
I wasn’t actually aware of what time it was, and too afraid to find out in case it made me want to throw myself off of a bridge, but it was definitely too early to be walking through a park- which, in turn, actually made it the best time to be walking through a park. The snow was smooth and untouched, like someone had thrown a huge, fuzzy blanket over the city ‘cause it was looking chilly. I don’t think it would have helped if that was the case, though.
He led us to a park bench, wiping away the snow that lined it and then attempting to dry it, despite the fact his gloves were now soaking and it was still snowing. It was adorable though.
We sat down, and I turned away from him, embarrassed by the habit as I pulled a pack of cigarettes from the pocket of my jeans.
“Tay!” I lit up and then turned to see him pouting at me in disapproval.
“I’d really like to kiss that pout away but I know you wouldn’t appreciate it right now.” Smoke fell through my lips as I spoke, though I hoped it didn’t look too awful, with the winter air making hot breath visible anyway.
“Oh, Taylor,” He smiled, moving closer.
“Like I’d ever turn down a kiss from you.”
I smiled into him as his lips met my own, the overwhelming sensation of knowing that Alex was mine taking over me once again; a feeling I was certain that I’d never quite get used to.
He grinned, kissing the tip of my frozen nose before pulling away completely.
“Hm,” His eyes shone, alight with his bubbling thoughts.
“Nicotine kisses and winter air,” He began, thinking aloud as he edged closer to me.
“To let me know that I belong somewhere.
For poison, never tasted so sweet,”
He leaned in, close enough for me to feel his breath against my face.
“As when our frozen lips would meet.”

“So,” We’d ventured to a coffee shop and were now seated on a different bench outside it with hot chocolate warming our hands.
“I think I’d like to tell you about my family now.”
My head snapped up to look at him, and he was staring off into the distance, spaced out. I supposed that was the easiest way to talk about whatever he found so hard to think about.
“There’s a bad history of mental disorder in my family. This shit’s hereditary and stuff. You’d be surprised but I don’t actually have it the worst. My dad and um, my brother, yeah, schizophrenia. Bad, bad schizophrenia.” His voice started to crack up as he dropped his head to stare at the ground. I ducked under his arm, tucking my head into his shoulder and wrapping my arms around his middle, though without speaking. He took a deep breath, pulling me in closer.
“Our house was basically a psych ward, except there were no doctors and nobody took their meds. I mean, they always claimed to forget. But it never got too out of hand, I mean, my mom was pretty much sane, and I was alright for a long time. There was never really anything we couldn’t handle. Until, uhm.”
He squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head.
“I got home one day, and… yeah, he’d just, hung himself. My brother. And there was no one home and I was just there with my brother hanging there and I just. I guess that was when I cracked up.”
It was one of those moments where words just wouldn’t cut it, and I certainly couldn’t find any. I just squeezed him tighter, and he seemed to fold up around me, burying his face in my hair. We stayed like that for a while, and I just kept holding him, wishing I could feel the pain for him. After a while, he’d pushed it away again, and regained stability.
“There was something I wanted to do today.” He spoke quietly, so no passers-by could hear. I lifted my head to look him in the eyes.
“I think we should go visit your mom.”

We walked for a while, and it was quiet. We didn’t say much, because we didn’t need to. The snow had seeped through my boots and the cold had battled its way through the layers Alex had forced onto me, but it didn’t matter.
“How did you know where she was?” I asked, breaking the silence as we approached a place that was breathtakingly beautiful in the most ridiculous, bittersweet way.
“I looked it up. It doesn’t matter, though. You ready?”
He squeezed my hand reassuringly, as we entered a garden, littered with gravestones lined with snow-kissed flowers, making the place look alive in new ways. We found her easily, tucked into a corner the way she would have liked.
Katherine Iris Jardine,
Adored wife, mother, daughter and friend.
Light up that sky, my dear.

“Hey mom,” I whispered, kneeling down before the stone; feeling the cold seep through my jeans. “This is new, huh? Well, not for you.” Alex hung back, aware of my need to be alone for this moment. “I haven’t been around here before. I hope you like it. But uh, I guess I gotta apologize, for the past two years. I didn’t do it on purpose, I promise. But either way, it sucked. And I’m sorry, mom. I really am. And I miss you, so much.”
I glanced over at Alex and gestured for him to join me. He dropped down next to me and smiled. “Hi,” He began, drawing out a heart in the snow. “I never had the pleasure of meeting you, Mrs Jardine, and that sure is a shame. I am, however, pretty well acquainted with the magnificent creature that is your daughter. I hope you’re ok with that. I can suck sometimes, but I’m not a bad guy. I’ll take care of her.”
His desire for my mother’s blessing without her even being alive any more made my heart swell and hurt in a way I’d never felt before.
“So I’d like to thank you, for bringing such a wonderful person into the world. And I promise you, Ma’am, that I’ll be good to her, and you were a dang good mother.”
He paused, turning to smile at me, before reaching up to push back his hood and take off his beanie. “I don’t have any flowers, sorry. But I’d like to leave you a little something. And it’s not much, but, here.” He reached up, pulling the red beanie over the corner of the stone.
“I hope you like it. We’ll see you soon.”
The small gesture was enough to invite tears to my eyes, rendering me unable to speak as I was pulled into the arms of the man that I was now more than ever undoubtedly, inexplicably head-over-heels in love with.