Tell Me the Truth

I sat silently in my parked car, my hands gripping the steering wheel tightly in my hands. The storm outside was pouring down heavily as I starred up at his house through the rain. The sound of the thunder and the look of the lightening made my down mood even worse. All though I loved the rain, I wasn’t happy enough to enjoy the beautiful sight before me. My phone started to ring making me jump a bit.

I quickly picked it up, not bothering to look at the caller id and picking up the call. “Hello?” I croaked. I frowned clearing my throat.

“Toni?” My best friend Penelope’s voice came through sounding concerned. “Where the hell are you?”

“Phoenix.” I mumbled ashamed sinking back into the car seat, dropping my other hand from the steering wheel and tearing my eyes away from the house to look down at my hands.

She sighed heavily, relived a bit. “God damn it, Antoinette, you had me so worried.”

I started to play with the hem of my t-shirt. “I’m sorry Penny.”

“What are you doing in Phoenix, Honey?” She asked sounding sympathetic.

I sniffled, my eyes fill with tears. “I have to find out why Penny.” I whispered balling up my hand around my phone and looking up back out at his house. “I need to know what the fuck is happening and why he’s doing this to me.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She asked sadly. “I would have come with you…”

I shook my head as a few tears slipped from my eyes. “No, No, I need to do this on my own…”

“Toni.” She sighed. “I know you’re hurt but I really wish you would have told me. At least I could have been there with you right now.”

I sniffled wiping up the tears under my eyes. “I’m sorry, Penny…I just really think I need to do this myself."

“What do you think is going to happen from you doing this on your own?” She asked.

“I just need to know, Penelope.” I sighed heavily. I bit my lip and thunder clapped outside and lights flashed. “Listen, I’ll call you after I talk to him and find out why.”

“Fine,” She mumbled. “But just promise me something, Toni.”

“What?”

“If it’s too much, don’t drive yourself home, call me and I’ll come pick you up ok?” I went quiet closing my eyes holding in tears at the thought. “Ok, Antoinette?” She begged.

“Ok.” I agreed, raking my hands through my messy curls.

“Thank you.” She said a bit relived. “I love you, Toni.”

“I know,” I sniffled. “I love you too, Penelope. I’ll call you when I’m done.”

“Ok.” She said gently. We said our goodbyes and hung up. I tossed my phone onto the seat beside me and starred straight up at the house.

My eyes filled with more tears as I sat there just watching the house. The lights were on in the window telling me he was home. I couldn’t get myself to move. I was dreading what I had driven here to do. I automatically wished I had asked Penny to come with me, but it was too late now. I was all on my own; I had to do this myself.

I wiped my eyes before forcing myself get up from the car. Instantly the rain hit me nearly making me drenched. I slammed the car door quickly and slowly made my way to his front door. My clothing becoming soaked and causing my hair to stick to my face.

Once I reached the front door I knocked a few times before wrapping my arms around myself, to try and keep myself from shivering so much. I stood there for a moment and waited trying to be patient. After a moment I knocked again louder this time.

“ONE MINUTE!” I heard him call from the other side of the door. “I’M COMING!” A moment later the door was pulled open and there he stood.

At the sight of me Jaycee’s face turned to a look of shock. I looked him over, taking in his appearance to see if he was alright. He looked perfectly fine, maybe a bit tired but other than that fine. No broken bones, cuts or bruises. He looked completely healthy. He was fine.

“Hi,” I managed to spit out still standing in the rain. It felt like it was coming down harder now, there was a sound of thunder clapping behind me.

“Hey…” he mumbled still shocked. “What are you doing here?”

I balled up my fists my eyes starting to fill up again. That felt like a slap to the face. “You’ve been ignoring me.” I managed to get out. My throat felt so tight.

He looked away a bit ashamed. “Yeah…”

“W-Why?” My lower lip started to trembled and I began to shake, but not from the cold but from the anxiety and fear that filled my body. My worst fears from the past two weeks were either going to be confirmed or proven wrong. My nerves were already shot.

He shrugged, “Been busy.”

My tears started to slip, blending with the rain that was showering me still. “For two weeks?” I croaked, confused. He nodded his head slowly not looking at me. I felt like I wanted to wither away right now. “I don’t believe you.” I forced out with a shaky voice. “Why are you ignoring me?”

He sighed and looked up at me. “Why are you here Toni?” He asked avoiding me question. That was odd to hear him say; he always called me Antoinette. He said that it was to beautiful of a name to not be said.

“Because you wouldn’t answer my calls or texts.” I stated, holding my arms around me tighter. “I was worried about you and didn’t know what else to do and I want to know what’s up with us.”

“There’s nothing up with us.” He stated, monotone.

“What does that even mean?”

He sighed looking down at his feet. “Nothing.” We both grew quiet. “I think you should go.” He said softly, but loud enough for me to hear him over the pouring rain.

“Are….Are we done?” I asked sadly, my heart starting to sink in my chest.

“What?” He asked surprised, looking up at me. “No!” He said quickly.

“Then what?” I asked confused.

He sighed and rubbed his forehead, raking his fingers through his hair. “It’s complicated Toni.” His voice sounded ashamed and full of sorrow. “You wouldn’t understand.”

I shook my head. “How would you know?” I spat, getting angry. “I’ve had boyfriends and girlfriends leave me for other people before, Jaycee and for no reason at all.” I let my tears fall freely, knowing that he couldn’t tell I was crying. “If you don’t recall, it’s not a new thing for me.”

He shook his head. “I’m not leaving you Antoinette.” He said trying to reassure me. “I’ve told you how much I love you before.” I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “I’ve meant everything I’ve ever told you before. I’m not like the others, I thought you got that.” He sounded a bit hurt that I would think such a thing about him.

“Could have fooled me,” I spat. “You sure have acted like them.”

He looked frustrated. “I’m not like them, Toni!” He growled. “I love you, ok! I honestly do. You are my everything!”

“Then why were you ignoring me?” I sobbed.

He sighed raking his finger through his hair again. “You wouldn’t understand, Toni.”

“You don’t know that!” I said desperately. “You won’t give me a chance!” My tears and the rain were starting to blind me. He just sighed heavily and shook his head not looking at me. “Did you cheat on me?” I asked fearful of his answer.

“NO!” He said quickly.

“Then what?!” I begged desperately. “What is it?!”

“I had knocked up my ex ok?!” He shouted angrily, glaring at me. I froze to the spot. His ex was pregnant? “Happy now? You know that I fucked up.” My hand moved to cover my mouth and I began to sob uncontrollably. “That’s why I've been ignoring you. Now you know. Is that what you wanted?” He growled.

I turned away from him and walked away from him shaking uncontrollably trying to make my way to my car threw the rain. The thunder roared and flashes of lightening light up the sky.

“Toni!” He called after me. I got to my car and struggled to open the door threw my tears and with my shaky hands. “Toni!” he said from right behind me. I finally managed to open the door; Jaycee slammed it shut behind me. “Toni, I’m sorry.” He trapped me between his chest and the side of the car, his arms on either side of me.

I turned myself around and looked at him, afraid. I looked up into his eyes, feeling my heart break into a million pieces. “I’m so sorry, Toni.” His voice was so weak. I began to shake uncontrollably crumbling under the weight of everything. He caught me before I fell to the ground holding me tightly against him.

I grasped handfuls of his wet shirt and crying into his chest. He held me tightly, burring his head in my hair. We clung to each other like our lives depended on it. Another roll of thunder and he picked me up and started to carry me back to his house, where the front door was still open. He took me inside, kicking the door closed behind us and taking me into the living room.

He didn't put me down, he kept me tightly in his arms, sitting down on the couch and holding me to him as closely as he could. “I’m so sorry, Toni.” He whispered into my hair. “I never meant for that to ever happen.” I sniffled, wiping my nose on the back of my sleeve. His arms squeezed me tightly. “I wish she wasn't going to mother one of my children.”

“Me too.” I murmured, with little power in my voice. She was going to be in his life forever now. I would never get my change to be with him completely, a whole new wave of tears washed over me. I was losing my world in one movement.

“It should be you.” He said strongly. “Not her.” His lips kissed the side of my head, trailing up and down the side of my face. “I’d rather it be you.” He murmured catching a few of my tears with his lips.

I felt myself shiver against him. I looked up at him, starring straight into his eyes. Without speaking we both understood what the other wanted. Jaycee shifted us around on the small couch and laid me down with my back pressed into the cushions and him kneeling above me.

He moved his arms from my waist and his hands grabbed my face bring it to his. Our lips crashed against each other. The kiss was so passionate it was like everything around us had vanished. I pulled myself against him, wrapping my legs around his waist and placing my hands on either side of his face, while his hands moved to my hips and gripping my tights roughly. He licked my bottom lip begging for entrance at which I denied. He then started too nibbled on my lower lip softly, making me go crazy. I groaned inwardly. He smirked and bit down a bit harder, softly sucking on my lower lip. I moaned, my lips parting, his tongue sliding into my mouth, our tongues fought for dominance. He won and started to explore every part of my mouth. He slide his tongue along mine before he slide his tongues back into his mouth.

He began trailing kisses on my cheek, along my jaw to my neck and collar bone. My head was spinning and my heart was racing, it felt like it was going to pop out of my chest. His hands slide from my tights up to my side, pushing up my soaked shirt touching my wet skin. I moaned at the feel of his warm hands on my sides and the heat of his breath on my neck. He bit down on my sweet spot causing me to moan and thrust up.

He growled and a few seconds later he had pulled my shirt off me and thrown it to the ground. His lips trailed down to my breasts and he started to squeeze them through my bra, biting the top of my left breast, sucking and nipping causing me to moan. I started to pull up Jaycee’s shirt and he quickly got it pulling away from me and pulling off his shirt. I took that moment to reach behind me and unlatch my bra. I pulled it off and tossed it to the ground along with our shirts.

Soon followed after were our shoes, socks, pants and underwear, so that we both lay naked on his couch. A feeling filled the pit of my stomach and I couldn't wait anymore. I looked him deeply in the eyes, asking him to do it. He crashed his lips against mine and slowly began to slide into me. I yelped loudly causing him to stop.

“Are you ok?” He asked concerned.

I nodded, biting my cheek, trying to pull through the pain. “Just need to get used to you.” I mumbled to him.

“Do you want me to keep going?” He asked. I nodded my head, slowly. He pressed his lips to mine again and started to push into me again. I wrapped my hands around his upper arms, trying to keep in any sound that would show any pain I was in. Once he was all the way in, he sighed.

“Are you ready?” he asked me gently. I gulped and nodded slowly. He pecked my lips. “If you ever want me to stop, just tell me and I will.” I nodded and he pulled out of me slowly, before kissing me deeply and slamming back into me.

I groaned wincing slightly. He rolled his hips to mine, pushing hard. He gripped onto my thighs, digging his fingers into my skin as he pushed and pulled into me. I closed my eyes and my head fell back, my lips parted and breathing fast. He started going faster, kissing me more roughly. My finger tangled in my hair as he continued to thrust into me. His lips moved to my neck and he started to nibble on my sweet spot and his hands traveled over every inch of my body.

He leaned his head on my shoulder and his paced slowed down, gently rocking his hips to mine. I gripped onto his shoulders and wrapped my legs around his waist tightly. He groaned as he pushed into me deeply making me cry out a moan. Jaycee cut me off and pressed his lips to mine in a sloppy kiss.

I groaned, biting my lip. “Jay.” He hitched up my left leg higher to his hip, gripping tightly underneath my knee and started moving faster into me, causing me to moan repeatedly against Jaycee’s lips as I felt his heavy breath against mine.

A smirk was placed across his face and he thrusted into me hard hinting my spot again. I gasped loudly, moaning as I clawed his back. My toes curled tightly as Jay continued sending me over the edge. “C’mon Baby.” He groaned pushing into me constantly. “Make some noise.”

“Jaycee!” I moaned as I climaxed, aching my back and burying my face into the crook of his neck running my fingers up the back of his head, gripping fistfuls of his hair and tugging on it. Jaycee cupped the back of my head, gripping onto my hair as well as he thrusted into me and climaxed as well, panting quickly.

He collapsed on the couch beside me. We gripped onto each other tightly, staying close as our heavy breathing filled the room. I opened my eyes and leaned away from his neck to look at him. He lifted his head up to with a small smile tugging up on his lips. I looked up at him sleepily and leaned up to his lips, pressing mine to his softly.

I felt like everything around us had disappeared around us. We were now in our own little world just starring into each other’s eyes. Things between us felt like they had become stronger. In this moment right now as Jaycee was staring start into my eyes I knew that he truly, deeply loves me. Inside I felt like I was on top of the world.

But something still nudged at the back of my mind.

“What’s going to happen with us?” I whispered.

His smile dropped and he sighed, shaking his head, placing his forehead against mine. “I don’t know.” He whispered brushing my hair out of my eyes.

Tears started to fill my eyes and I looked away from him. I don’t know what I had been expecting him to say. I really don’t. He was going to be a dad. And I know he was scared and he didn’t know what he was going to do. Besides be in his child’s life. I know that was possibly the only thing he was certain of at the moment. He would never run out on his own kid. He never wanted to be like his father. So that meant that he would have to put up with that bitch, possibly even meant he would get back with her.

“Please don’t cry.” He whispered in my ear, “Please baby.” He begged.

I shook my head, looking away from him and pressing my lips together, hoping it would help myself from crying. This felt like to much right now. I pulled out of his arms and climbed over him, getting off the couch. I tried to keep my mind calm as I grabbed my clothes off the ground pulling them on.

"Antoinette, Please!" He begged, getting up and walking over to me. He grabbed my arms and I just shrugged him off of me.

"Stop," I managed to weakly say, not looking at him. I couldn't because if I did I couldn't stop myself from crying.

"Antoinette," He took my face between his rough hands, tilting my head back so I would have to look up at him. He looked so pained. "I'm so sorry..." He whispered. I avoided looking at him, closing my eyes, trying to hold back tears. "Antoinette, look at me!" He begged his breath, brushing over my face. My eyes squeezed tighter. "Please, Antoinette..."

Slowly, I opened my eyes looking directly into his. My heart broke at that, he looked so pained. "I love you with all my heart." I barely heard him say, before he covered my lips with his. He pulled himself closer to me and I felt myself break, I kissed him back. The kiss was filled with so much emotion, I started to cry.

Finally when we pulled apart, we were both out of breath. Tears still trailed down my cheeks. "You're still my soulmate, Antionette." He whispered, "I still love you with everything I've got."

I let out a shaky breath. "I love you too, Jaycee." I whispered back. I pulled back, grabbing my shoes and slipping them on.

"I'm going to figure this out," He said, once I was ready to leave. "So we can be together." His voice sounded so sure, but I wasn't. Nothing was that easy for us. Even from the start. I couldn't bring myself to say anything to that, so I just nodded my head, Hugging myself as my wet clothes made me shiver.

"I mean it Antoinette." He said, his voice more powerful. "I'm not giving up on us." I nodded again and started for the door.

"I'll see you around." I mumbled reaching for the door handle, not looking back at him.

"I love you, Antoinette." He said, "Forever."

"Forever." I said, turning to look over my shoulder and smiled weakly at him. I looked him over one more time. Letting his appearance sink in. A small part of me hoping this wouldn't be the last time, before I opened the door leaving.

I sprinted into the rain towards my car and hoping in, my body once again drenched in rain. I took one final look at his house seeing, him now half dressed standing in the window, watching me. I turned on the car and drove off without a second glace.

A new weight of depression, different than the one I had brought with me, pulling me down as I drove back to my home two states away. I had a long drive a head of me.

I just hoped that this wouldn't be the only or last time I would get a chance to see him.