Piece of Your Heart

Zion... Zion was totally in love with me.

How could i have not even notice his attachment to me from the beginning... i mean as i think about it now.. it was obvious that he liked me...how he would follow me around and help me with all sorts of things.. how he voluntarily did things i asked to completion as well as just be there in my time of need.. especially when i got heart broken again and again and again...

I felt like a total jerk... he was there with me when i told him how i loved Rebecca... he just hugged me to get me better... and i just kept rambling on that i won't be able to love anyone ever again.. that i had just given up on love...

My heart sunk... and my brain kept telling me that it was all my fault that i had hurt him so much which were all true.. i did hurt Zion so much but he kept smiling... he kept having hope that i would look at him... and to be honest... i'm not sure what to do.. i have been searching for my wife for a while already and i have no idea where she is.... plus it feels like that my feelings for her lessened during my stay at the present.. i wonder why is that? I thought she was the one for me... but now i am beginning to question... but my kid too... i love my kid.

Shit i can't think of anything.. maybe reading more would make me know about everything... but before that let me take a sip of some beer.

Dear Diary... Today it was definitely awkward... not only did i overuse my voice but Aaron kissed me.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

I heard knocking on the door and nearly jumped... almost spilling my beer and almost closing the book.

"Char are you alright?" Carol knocked on the door.

"Yea i'm fine.. thanks for checking up on me" I said while adjusting myself and opening the book once more... i could slightly feel myself losing concentration against the alcohol... but i didn't let it get the best of me yet.

I went back to the book and continued to read.

not only did i overuse my voice but Aaron kissed me.

Re-reading that got me even more pissed... not long after i find out that my best friend was in love with me but the fact that my enemy kissed him... my blood was boiling and my fist were clenching.. images of me pummeling Aaron's face just flashed in my head... then i just realized what i was thinking.. why did this even bother me... Zion is just my friend... hes just my best friend who's in love with me... I sighed.

I looked down to just noticed that i crushed the empty beer can from finding out about this... was i mad? i'm not sure but it felt like it... as well as it felt like i was betrayed and this stinging feeling that i never wanted Zion to hang around Aaron in the first place... shit... what the hell am i feeling and thinking now.

I had to continue reading this... to just find out everything about him.. so i reread it again.

Dear Diary... Today it was definitely awkward... not only did i overuse my voice but Aaron kissed me... it was definitely awkward because that was my first kiss... but it was also a mistake too... it was just that he did something really sweet for me and i couldn't help but blush and kiss his cheek... but he turned around to face me and well we accidentally kissed... so yea he has definitely stolen my first kiss virginity!

Words cannot describe how pissed i was... not only did Aaron kissed Zion and me not knowing about it... but it was his first freaking kiss too... I wanted Zion's first kiss to be something special with someone who he loves... that kiss should of been mine- WAITTT!!!! Why am i even thinking about me and Zion kissing... SHIT WAIT WHY AM I PICTURING IT NOW!!

I shook my head.. imagining that it was all scrambled but still... i could picture me and Zion kissing.

Shit i don't think i can even read anymore but i just had to find out more... i skipped a lot of pages to turn to one with a dark feeling.

Dear Diary... Today.. well today is different than the rest... Today Charlie asked out this very pretty girl and she couldn't help but accept... I was very happy for them but deep down... i was breaking down.. i tried so hard to not show it but Aaron Angel as well as Becky saw that i was hurting and immediately took me away from them both.. though Charlie protested that he wanted me to hang around with him and her since i was his best friend... but they just took me and ran away... i never knew how much i could cry over him until tonight... it was about 4 hours until i stopped... The girl seemed nice too.. Katelynn i believe but something about her didn't seem right... like i sensed something elusive as well as something funny... but it's probably me being jealous because i always wanted as well as wished to be in the position she was in... sometimes i would even wish that maybe.. maybe if i was a girl then maybe i would be in that position with him... i just don't know.. maybe it's just time for me to let go already... this will be my last entry as of now... i don't want to remember any of this.

I was speechless to that... did i really hurt him that much?

Zion's smiling face flashed in my head and i just kept thinking... that i was able to hurt him so many times and he kept that smile to show me... but as i remember it all... when i went out with Katelynn; that's when i was less noticing Zion around me... it was as if he was distancing himself from me and now.. just now that i noticed it now.

I was mostly focused on Katelynn.. not even realizing if my best friend needed me... he was bullied throughout his entire life and he could of been bullied in high school as well.... I didn't know what happened because this was the last entry for high school and my imagination just let me wonder... wonder if he was tormented when i wasn't around... if he was bullied... if he was physically hurt... i wasn't there to protect him.

Tears started to fall from my face and i couldn't help but contain it... the more i wiped them away... more tears would spill down my cheeks... i neglected my best friend when i promised his mother i would always look out for him.

As i wiped another tear.. i turned the page to see a whole different style of writing.

Dear Diary... it's been about 3 years since i wrote... i graduated from high school and left Charlie with his now fiancee... Aaron let me move in with him and i didn't know he came from a wealthy family... but he told me that i can live with him forever.. which was kind of cute... I gave up my dream too.. because it reminded me of him and i broke all ties with him... burned all the pictures i had... deleted him off of everything and just detached myself from his life... i needed to move on and make myself happy :) So i'm going to try my best and make this new life even better... i'm just very tired of loving someone... who would never look at me the same way.

So he was the one that wanted to leave... somehow i got sad by that but i wouldn't blame him... i was smothering affections for Katelynn that i ignored Zion's existance... I even remembered sometimes when he wanted to hang out with me but i would either ignore his calls or be too busy with Katelyn... Shit i've been a bad best friend... i may have turned him away when he really needed me.

I looked at the time to see it was 10:47 PM and the party downstairs started to get even noisier... Carol didn't like loud noises and she would be back soon... so i think i would be able to read two more pages before i would have to close it and wait again tomorrow.

Opening it up to a random page... i started to read.

Dear Diary... i have been trying... i have been trying so hard to forget about him and everything that i had done for the past couple of months and i was doing amazingly good... I successfully did it too and was living a rather normal life.. i was far from happy but at least he was off my mind... but then the news of their marriage reached my eyes and i was struck with everything that i had left behind.. the feeling of emotional betrayal.. sadness... depression.. anger... so much mixed emotions coming to hit me all at once that i was lucky enough to keep my sanity.. though i may have slipped off the wagon and had started to cut again... but it was one little slip and it was alright... I hadn't been invited to the wedding too but Aaron had said that he'll take me as an escort.. though i had declined it... i'm not sure what to do.. i prayed to god.. which i hardly do to ask him for something... i asked him if i could have the strength to do what i am thinking of doing... i just hope that.. it will come true in the end... the wedding is 3 days from now... i'm very busy for those 2 days so.. i'll do it on the wedding day... please give me strength too...

I did remember the entire wedding... it was wonderful though it felt as if something was missing... well someone... when i looked around it was a full house... though i still felt someone was missing... was that person Zion?

I couldn't concentrate already.. the beer was kicking in and i felt a bit woozy... so before i lost any consciousness in me.. i used my remaining strength for concentrating on another Diary Page.

Dear Diary... I had definitely bad news to say...

1)I couldn't see him on the wedding day... and even worse that i had started to puke blood...i'm not even sure why but i had went to the doctors to see what was wrong with me... which leads me to number 2.

2) Because of my puking blood.. they did all sorts of medical testing on me... and had concluded that i have cancer...

I'm not even 21 and i had been diagnosed with Cancer.... dang.. i couldn't live out my dreams and i had to leave my family so they wouldn't suffer from my erratic behavior when i broke down... Aaron had bought me an apartment by the hospital so i could get monitored... he's such a very kind friend... i don't have the heart to tell Charlie that i have cancer... i want him to live a happy life without me in it.. and as for me.. i already gave up hope on him as soon as i had heard of him proposing to her... i have been starting to question everything.. my existence... my place in the world... as well as why am i even here? But no matter what i still have that small hope that i'll pull through of this... I'm just hoping that the people who are in a better position than me.. is having a wonderful life... they don't know what other's go through... and only know i realize that i had been taking things for granted... and i'm sorry... but it's alright... i'm just glad that Charlie was living happily with his wife and i hope they have beautiful children together... i can get through this :) but for now i want to rest and tomorrow i'll start living life to the fullest... with the remaining time i may have left.

Shit.....

I couldn't say even one word.. my mind in a blank with the fact that Zion was in love with me even up until he found out he had cancer... that he only wanted me to be happy and that it was okay for him to go through all this pain by himself...

And i had just realized that he lied... he lied to me about having a wonderful life... was it to keep me from hurting? He was still worried for me even on his death bed... fuck and not even one thought of him popping up in my perfect life and yet he was going through all of this by himself...

I felt like a total selfish dick....

I couldn't read anymore so i closed the book and hid it in my jacket... i had learned so much things about Zion that it was pretty ridiculous... how i wondered that it was my fault that this amazing person transformed.... he transformed because of me too... and he wanted me to just be happy even as he laid down for his final minutes with me too...

Fuck i didn't want to feel like it was my fault but i knew... i knew it was my fault... i had put him through so much shit and yet he was stil hoping i was living happily.

I rushed out of the room to see couples making out and dry humping on the floor... and as i walked down the stairs people were still raging.. unaware of the problems i was now facing... the secrets that i know.. and the actions that i was going to take...

I walked out of the house to hear people calling my name and asking why am i leaving.. but i did not want to give an answer... i wasn't even sure on what to do...

I opened the door and rushed to my car and threw everything in... i needed to clear my head until Josh came by.. drunk like fucl as he tapped on my window.

"Dudeeeeee" he slurred.

"Yea Josh..." I answered... i just sat in my seat and looked at him.

"Come on out and drink with us... you look all tense" he offered while opening my door to nearly crashing on me.

"Dude i can't right now.. i have so much on my mind" i told him.

"Well come on and party... that's what parties are for right... to just hang your problems out of the door and have fun right?" he swayed back and forth.

Drunk Josh did have a point.. and i couldn't think of what to do next... it's not like i can tell Zion that i read his diary from the future and know what he's gonna go through... but i did know he was in love with me... and me? i'm not sure what i feel for him now... our friendship is still there but i'm not sure what now...

"Okay.. i'll join your party again dude" i said... i needed to get away from thinking of all of this... If i keep thinking about this diary and the future that Zion is going to have... then i might lose it...

I could just think about it later right? Like Drunk Josh said... i can think about it later on and just drink until my problems go away...

With that thought i stood back up and went into the house... still thinking that Zion was in love with me... and about to get wasted