The Dilemma

By the time half 3 arrived, I had eaten 2 cheeseburgers, a portion of chips AND 2 ice creams.

"Fucking hell Josh, where the fuck does it all go?!" Max looked at me in disbelief. I found myself laughing at his expression. If I'm honest; I had no idea myself. For my height, and the amount of shit I ate, I was actually a pretty good size; just the right amount of muscle mixed with a perfectly small amount of fat meant that I had quite a good body. The vanity of my remark registered in my mind and I smirked.

"My body just doesn't want to ruin its perfection." I winked at him and he rolled his eyes.

Thankfully Dan had left us a good 20 minutes ago to go meet up with Chris and Matt back at the bus, and so now it was just me and Max. Before he had left, I made Dan swear on his life that he wouldn't say anything to either of the guys, and after a few seconds of holding him in a headlock he had agreed. Reluctantly. I had glared at him until he had admitted that he was just fooling around and that of course he wouldn't say anything to them. Before I had had a chance to reply, he had walked off. Leaving me and Max alone.

Neither of us had brought up the earlier topic of what happened on the field, or when Max had silently told me that we needed to talk later. Well, it was now 'later' and still nothing had been said. I guessed it was because we were performing in just under an hour and a half and he was probably thinking that it would be easier to let everything out after the show so we wouldn't be too distracted whilst onstage. If this was his mindset, I totally agreed. Plus if what we BOTH needed to say took us longer than an hour, we would have to perform halfway through a conversation and that again wasn't really ideal.

Max cleared his throat and I turned to look at him.
"What's up?"
"We should get going Josh. Let's go get the fucktards and make our way towards the stage yeah?"

I nodded in agreement and started walking away, knowing Max wouldn't be far behind me. I glanced over my shoulder to confirm and caught his eye. He blushed and looked down at his feet while I turned my head back the right way. I gave a small shrug and carried on walking; later couldn't come quick enough.

*

I stood at the side of the stage and peered out slowly to look at the fans gathered in front of the stage.

"Fuuuuuuck"

The crowd was huge. A sea of brightly coloured hair, clothes and flags stretched out quite far back. All of those people had come to see us, and this was only the second time we'd ever played live in America. It was crazy.

Someone nudged my shoulder gently. I turned around to see Max with a shine in his eye.

"You ready for this dude?"

I met his eyes and grinned.

"You fucking bet I am"

He copied my grin and pulled me in for a tight hug. I closed my eyes and rested my head lightly on the side of his. I let out a shaky breath as shivers ran down my spine. I pulled back and looked at him.

"We're still gonna talk later right?"

"Yeah of cour-"

"GUYSSSS! WE'RE ON NOWWWW!"

We both turned to see Dan practically bound up to us, his hair all over the place and sweat already forming on his forehead.

"Ok guys, quick group hug ok?"

Matt and Chris joined us before Dan pulled us all in for a hug as the crowd went crazy.

"Let's go rock people"

*

"Underdoooog, just look at the mess you made!"

The crowd sang with me as I jumped around onstage. It was crazy, our 8th song in and everyone was still as enthusiastic and loud as they had been from the start. I was boiling, sweat running down the side of my face and my white tshirt clinging to my back. I was a little out of breath, but I knew we could have a minute break at the end of this song. After the break we'd play Reckless, then slow it down to play Little Bit Of Truth. Then, to end our set we'd play Bite My Tongue and The Swarm; crowd favourites from past experience.

The song ended and the lights dimmed. I took the opportunity to have a drink. It was a band tradition to drink alcohol on stage at major festivals, and we were definitely going to join in.

I took a few gulps from the plastic cup containing some sort of American beer. It wasn't that nice and I grimaced as the bitterness attacked my taste buds. I looked over to see Max pull a similar face and chuckled. Guess it wasn't just me that had issues with US alcohol.

"Guys, you done?" Matt came over to us to see if we were refreshed enough to carry on.

"Yeah man!" I replied, grinning. Only a handful of songs left and I couldn't wait to get offstage and finally talk to Max.

I put the cup down and walked back to the centre of the stage, at the same time as the guys began the intro of Reckless. I always threw myself into performances. People paid quite a lot to see their favourite band and I didn't want to ruin it for them. I started jumping around and singing clearly into the mic.

Two minutes in and I noticed that Max had come over to play near me. I looked at him and he seemed to feel my eyes on him. He looked up from the guitar and beamed. I started to walk around him in a circle until I came back to face him. We were standing quite close together and I looked him straight in the eye, and the whole world just fell away.

His beautiful brown eyes were shining with the adrenaline and feeling that we put into our performance. But as well as that, there was a hint of something else. I kept on staring. I couldn't look away.

Before I knew what I was doing I reached up to the back of his neck with my hand and pushed his head until it was touching mine. The top of the mic was in between my chin and his; apart from that we were face to face. I kept on singing the lyrics but my mind was elsewhere. It was like I had been put on autopilot. I could vaguely hear the guys carry on playing, but the noise that broke through everything else was the roar of the crowd.

They must be loving this, I thought to myself.

Girls were screaming and I closed my eyes smiling. I could feel Max change position slightly and felt his forehead press against mine more firmly. I opened my eyes to see him with his eyes closed, head pointing down slightly. I ruffled his hair before moving away. The loss of contact made him snap his head up, eyes cloudy with confusion and longing.

I went back to centre stage and finished the song. The crowd went wild after we finished and I grinned.

"Thank you America! You guys are fucking crazy!"

Their reply included a lot more screaming and waving hands and banners around in the air.

"We're gonna slow it right down now. Here's a Little Bit Of Truth"

More screaming.

Dan kicked in with the drums and I counted down to the cue to start singing in my head, tapping my foot in time with the beat. My cue came in and I started. We always made sure that this song was in the setlist; it was written for the fans and was a very important song.

People were singing along in time with me and groups of people started waving their arms in the air. It was very moving and quite a special moment for us; every time this happened we all felt something lift inside us.

We got to the instrumental part and I put the mic in the stand that I hardly used live. I had nothing to do for quite a while so I usually did whatever I could think of during it.

There was a slight tap on my right shoulder and turned my head. Max was standing there and had stopped playing guitar. I started to give him a confused look when he reached out with both hands to cup the side of my face, and before it registered in my mind what was happening, he was pulling me in.

I didn't have a chance to say anything; his lips were on mine before I could even think of any words. I know its clichéd and full of bullshit, but no word of a lie I had shivers running up and down my spine. My arms moved from my side of their own accord to wrap around Max's neck, and I parted my lips very slightly. Max didn't seem to mind and he adjusted the kiss to suit the small movement.

It was a fairly clean kiss; there were no tongues involved at all. But it was perfect. I tightened my arms even more around his neck.

Screams rang in my ears.

Fuck.

I moved my arms and pushed him back. He wasn't expecting it at all and was taken by surprise; losing his balance and stumbling backwards. I rushed forward to the mic stand and grabbed it in time to come in with the next part of the song.

I was shaking. I had no idea what I was doing and my brain wasn't functioning properly. I was singing the words automatically, not really knowing what I was doing. I couldn't concentrate. Man what the FUCK. Those few seconds kept replaying and replaying and replaying in my mind. His eyes. Him pulling me in. The first contact.

I didn't know what to do. We still had 2 songs to perform and I felt like collapsing whenever I took a breath. I was literally breathless.

While I was casually freaking out in my mind, I hadn't thought to look at Max once. If I'm honest, I was afraid. Would I be able to act normally now? I doubted it.

Instead I looked to my left to see Chris and Matt standing open mouthed. I swallowed nervously and tried to mouth something at them. No words were forming and I stood there, mouth opening and closing as I couldn't speak. I was freaking out. I wouldn't be able to finish the set. A rising sense of panic was slowly starting to make itself welcome in my stomach, and I felt nauseous.

Before I could react to anything, I ran offstage, not caring that I'd just ditched my entire band onstage. I rushed down the steps from the stage and ended up sinking to my knees, throwing up into a handily placed bush. I couldn't breath, couldn't see. I was shaking like fuck and still all I could do was throw up.

I knew I was having a panic attack. I've suffered from them since I was 16 years old. I haven't had one for at least a year; last time was when my dad was rushed to hospital because of a heart attack. That one was bad, this one was a whole new load of bad.

The last thing I remember before passing out was falling to the side. Before my body came into contact with the ground, a pair of arms reached out and caught me.

The world slipped away.