I'll Just Keep Painting Flowers for You

*2 months later*
It's been 2 months since I realised I like Alex as more than a friend, and hey, guess what? It's not getting any easier. I still haven't told him and I'm still not planning on it either. But... I have told Rian. Like I said, he's the first person I'd think of talking to about something like this, and he understood perfectly. I admit, I left talking to him until last week, but I still did, and I felt so much better afterwards.
It was before we played Brixton Academy, on the 12th, if I remember rightly. I just felt like I needed to tell someone. Brixton is big and I didn't want to mess it up by over-thinking about Alex, which recently, I have tended to do quite alot. I don't mean to, but that's just how it works out.
Alex, Zack, Flyzik, Vinny, Colussy and all of them lot were inside the Academy doing soundcheck and setting everything up, and I knew that Rian was the only person left on the bus, so I grabbed my chance, because I didn't think there'd be another.
I ran onto the bus and saw him lying on his bunk staring at the ceiling.
"Hey man!" I shouted into his ear.
"WOAH MAN! You gave me a fright." Rian exclaimed, trying not to fall off his bunk.
"Can I just... can I just quickly talk to you about something Ri?" I stammered.
"Sure you can, you know I'm here for you man. What's up?" Rian asked, seeming worried.
"I, um... I don't know how to tell you, but I think... I think I like Alex." I whispered.
"Doesn't everyone?" Rian chuckled, and then realised I was being serious, "Oh, man, you mean as more than a friend? You love him? Nothing wrong with that pal, have you told him?"
"No, and I don't intend to either. That's what I'm worried about, Alex finding out." I explained.
"Oooo, okay. Try and keep it cool when you're with him, don't let on that anything's wrong. It'll be okay man, you can trust me. I'm sure Alex would understand anyway, he's not one to judge, but I totally understand if you don't want to tell him just yet." Rian told me.
"Thanks for being so understanding Ri." I smiled at him and patted him on the back.
"S'all good, no worries. I'm always here for my buddy Jack. Now, we gotta rush, we got a gig to play." Rian went on as he jumped off his bunk.
I shuffled along behind him thinking about how much weight I'd just taken off my chest. I felt better now I'd told Rian, but at the same time, I still felt worried, and I still felt the pain I felt before. After all, Alex was still with Tay. Don't get me wrong; I'm happy for them. I couldn't be more happy for them, but I just couldn't bear being in the same room as them either. All I thought about was how it shouldn't be Tay with Alex, that should be me. I didn't want to think like that, I didn't have a problem with Tay, I was just jealous.
I didn't mess up Brixton like I thought I would, but I guess I just held myself together after talking to Rian about it.

A week on from Brixton and we're here, chilling on the tourbus, playing xbox games and trying to remember where we're off too next. At about 6 this evening, Alex got a phonecall off Tay. He told us to pause the game and jogged off to the back room of the bus, but when he came back again, he didn't seem like himself. He seemed like something was up. I can't help but think it's something to do with his relationship with Tay, and as bad as it may sound, I can't help but hope that that is what's up. I can comfort him, be there for him, something mig-...
Oh, who am I kidding? That'd never happen. I wouldn't have the guts to tell him I liked him in the first place. I love him so much, it physically hurts me, and that's not exaggerating in the slightest. It's pain not being able to do anything about it. Worrying about people finding out, what they'd think of me if they did find out. Hoping that my jealousy of Tay and Alex doesn't get in the way of our friendship. Trying to say the right thing incase I give something away. I know Rian will be here for me through it all, but not even that's comforting to me right now.
The fan's tend to ask us about Jalex all the time, which doesn't help either. It's not their fault, they don't know how I'm feeling, but I can't help but wish they did, just for the sake of them stopping. Jalex is a pairing they made up; Me and Alex, if you hadn't guessed. We play along with it, hugging each other, kissing eachother on the cheeks, being all snug with eachother, but I wish it wasn't just playing. I wish it was real. But it won't be.
Not unless I do something about it...