Status: Might take a while to get going and I'm going to take my time with it ok:-) (twitter - @erinsh33ran)
I'll Just Keep Painting Flowers for You
After all, we're actors on a stage.
It's a good job I've told Rian how I feel about Alex, I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't. Rian ran onto the bus yesterday on our day off and asked me if he could have a word with me. I followed him to the back room of the bus, shutting the door behind me, and I sat down opposite him.
"Jack, do you realise how weird you've been acting around Alex?!" Rian blurted out.
"No, why?" I asked, suddenly feeling anxious in case anyone else had figured out my feelings for Alex.
"You've been fidgeting everytime you sit near him, you've been stuttering whenever you talk to him. That's not like you buddy, you've just not been acting yourself. I'm surprised he didn't notice before me!" Rian explained.
"I-I.. I didn't realise." I stammered.
"Try and stay cool around him man, I'll tell you if you carry it on." Rian assured me.
"I'm trying so hard. Thanks for being here for me pal." I said.
"No worries." Rian continued, "I'll go back through now so nothing seems weird."
"Alright. Thanks, really." I nodded.
I sat with my head in my hands, staring at the floor in silence. I didn't realise I'd been acting so weird, I never meant to anyway. I'm so glad Rian mentioned it to me. If Zack or Flyzik, or even Alex realised before Rian told me, I don't know what I'd've said. I don't think I'll be able to keep this up for any longer. I'm trying my best not to let my jealousy get the best of me. That's the last thing I need, but I have a feeling that I won't be able to hold it back for much longer.
Tay's been spending alot of time with us recently as her band aren't on tour at the moment. She left yesterday morning, just before Rian took me off to inform me of how I've been acting. The fact that Tay's been around me, spending alot of time with Alex, isn't helping how I feel in the slightest. All I've seen for the past week is Alex and Tay all loved up with eachother, laying on the sofa, sleeping in the bunk opposite me with eachother, hugging eachother, kissing eachother. It makes me feel weird. Sick, even. I want it to be me with Alex, not Tay. As I've said, I'm happy for Alex, obviously. He's my best friend and all I want is for Alex to be happy, but I don't half wish that I had the guts to tell him how I feel. It'd make things a load more easier.
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I've been thinking about telling Alex how I feel at the end of this tour. I know I've been saying that I wouldn't dream of telling him, but I guess I changed my mind. We just played Philadelphia last night, and some of the crowd started a Jalex chant. Obviously, as usual, me and Alex played along, and of course, as usual, I was wishing it wasn't just pretend. I lay in my bunk last night and all I could think about was Alex. Alex, Alex, Alex. I mean, I'm not complaining, but it's not right to have thoughts like this about your best friend... I've been thinking about what Rian said to me when I told him. "I'm sure Alex would understand anyway, he's not one to judge, but I totally understand if you don't want to tell him just yet." I know that Alex doesn't judge people easily, and he despises people who are judgemental about other people, but would Alex understand, or was Rian just trying to reassure me? And the way he said that he understands if I don't want to tell Alex just yet... Was he trying to push me to tell him? I'm sure I'm just being paranoid or maybe I'm over-thinking things, but I wish I could find a way of answering these questions. I just don't want mine and Alex's friendship to be ruined if I do tell him. It might make things awkward, and I don't know how I'd get to telling him for one. I would ask Rian to be subtle and ask Alex what he'd do if he found out that one of his bestfriend's liked him as more than a friend, but Alex might figure out something was up that way. Plus, I can't depend on Rian to do everything for me, just because he's the only person I've told.
I guess the only way I'll find out the answer to all my questions is if I tell Alex how I feel. Who knows, I might decide to tell him sooner rather than later...
"Jack, do you realise how weird you've been acting around Alex?!" Rian blurted out.
"No, why?" I asked, suddenly feeling anxious in case anyone else had figured out my feelings for Alex.
"You've been fidgeting everytime you sit near him, you've been stuttering whenever you talk to him. That's not like you buddy, you've just not been acting yourself. I'm surprised he didn't notice before me!" Rian explained.
"I-I.. I didn't realise." I stammered.
"Try and stay cool around him man, I'll tell you if you carry it on." Rian assured me.
"I'm trying so hard. Thanks for being here for me pal." I said.
"No worries." Rian continued, "I'll go back through now so nothing seems weird."
"Alright. Thanks, really." I nodded.
I sat with my head in my hands, staring at the floor in silence. I didn't realise I'd been acting so weird, I never meant to anyway. I'm so glad Rian mentioned it to me. If Zack or Flyzik, or even Alex realised before Rian told me, I don't know what I'd've said. I don't think I'll be able to keep this up for any longer. I'm trying my best not to let my jealousy get the best of me. That's the last thing I need, but I have a feeling that I won't be able to hold it back for much longer.
Tay's been spending alot of time with us recently as her band aren't on tour at the moment. She left yesterday morning, just before Rian took me off to inform me of how I've been acting. The fact that Tay's been around me, spending alot of time with Alex, isn't helping how I feel in the slightest. All I've seen for the past week is Alex and Tay all loved up with eachother, laying on the sofa, sleeping in the bunk opposite me with eachother, hugging eachother, kissing eachother. It makes me feel weird. Sick, even. I want it to be me with Alex, not Tay. As I've said, I'm happy for Alex, obviously. He's my best friend and all I want is for Alex to be happy, but I don't half wish that I had the guts to tell him how I feel. It'd make things a load more easier.
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I've been thinking about telling Alex how I feel at the end of this tour. I know I've been saying that I wouldn't dream of telling him, but I guess I changed my mind. We just played Philadelphia last night, and some of the crowd started a Jalex chant. Obviously, as usual, me and Alex played along, and of course, as usual, I was wishing it wasn't just pretend. I lay in my bunk last night and all I could think about was Alex. Alex, Alex, Alex. I mean, I'm not complaining, but it's not right to have thoughts like this about your best friend... I've been thinking about what Rian said to me when I told him. "I'm sure Alex would understand anyway, he's not one to judge, but I totally understand if you don't want to tell him just yet." I know that Alex doesn't judge people easily, and he despises people who are judgemental about other people, but would Alex understand, or was Rian just trying to reassure me? And the way he said that he understands if I don't want to tell Alex just yet... Was he trying to push me to tell him? I'm sure I'm just being paranoid or maybe I'm over-thinking things, but I wish I could find a way of answering these questions. I just don't want mine and Alex's friendship to be ruined if I do tell him. It might make things awkward, and I don't know how I'd get to telling him for one. I would ask Rian to be subtle and ask Alex what he'd do if he found out that one of his bestfriend's liked him as more than a friend, but Alex might figure out something was up that way. Plus, I can't depend on Rian to do everything for me, just because he's the only person I've told.
I guess the only way I'll find out the answer to all my questions is if I tell Alex how I feel. Who knows, I might decide to tell him sooner rather than later...
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um so yea, i haven't been updating much recently because i haven't really had any time, but here you go yay!!!1um it'll move on quicker soon i promise but thanks for sticking around and being patient with me, comments are appreciated and you can tweet me at @erinsh33ran :-)))