I'll Just Keep Painting Flowers for You

We had lunch, and it went better than I expected it to. Everyone had a good time and the food was as great as Flyzik said it'd be. If I'm honest, I almost completely forgot about Alex... and how I'm telling him how I feel today. When we came out of the restaurant, everything that I'd forgotten whilst I was in there just came flooding back to me, but this time it made me feel nervous. Scared. Frustrated, almost. Maybe it's because I knew there was only a matter of minutes to go until I told him, I don't know.
Everytime I close my eyes, all I can see is his face. His eyes, his nose, his smile, his body. Everything about him makes me smile. I know some people believe that nobody's perfect, but that can't be true in Alex's case. He is perfect, and nobody can change how I feel about him.
I keep thinking about how bad things might go when I tell him. Like I said, what if he takes it the wrong way, or he spoils our friendship? I almost don't want to tell him, but I know I have to. I need to stop myself from thinking like this. I can't go on feeling like this, it's killing me inside. It's not fair on Rian either. He must be getting annoyed with having to keep my secret, and I must be bugging him whenever I talk to him about it. I have to tell Alex. I can't chicken out now, I can't.

I was talking to Flyzik on the way back to the vans to unload everything, when Alex came out of nowhere. He jumped on my back, then slid back onto the ground before resting his arm on my shoulder and walking along with me.
"HEY JACKY!" Alex shouted in my ear.
I let out a slight laugh and smiled at him.
"YO ALEX!" I shouted back at him.
"'Twas a nice meal, don't you think?" He asked, in his best attempt at a posh English accent.
"It was, it was..." I replied, not quite knowing what to say incase I said the wrong thing, or I gave anything away.
"Now, it's back to work. Or rather, my life." Alex exclaimed, with a grin on his face. All Time Low was his life, and anyone would be stupid not to see that. He didn't see it as a job, and neither did the rest of us. He saw it as his life. Being in a band isn't a job, and we don't do it for the money. We do it for the music, and for our fans. That's another thing I love about him, how down to earth he is.
I looked up at him and realised he was waiting for me to reply to him. Now was my chance to ask him if I could have a word. It was now or never. But I didn't want to. Now that the time has come, I wanted to back out. Rewind time and not have these feelings for him. Or I could just carry on my life and pretend that I didn't like him in such a way? No! Snap out of it Jack. I have to tell him whether I want to or not. I can do this. I took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes.
"But first, can I have a word with you Alex?" I asked, seriously.
"Um, sure man." He replied, suddenly being serious.
I took him round to behind the tourbus where no-one else would be listening and no-one else would see us. I gulped. What if it all went wrong? Should I just pretend this is all a joke and there's actually nothing I want to tell him? I can't do this. I can't. What do I say? How do I say it? I'll just go for it. If it comes out wrong, I'll turn it into a joke. It was fake, it was nothing. If it comes out right, then so be it. I'll face the consequences. I can do this. Come on Jack...
"What do you want?" Alex asked me.
"I have... I have something to tell you..." I replied, trying not to sound too panicky.
"What's up man?" Alex asked, in a reassuring voice.
Maybe Rian was right when he was telling me all that time ago that "he was sure Alex would understand because he's not one to judge anyone"... But there's only one way to find out.
"I-I like you." I stuttered. I said the words so quick, it was more like I was spitting them out. Like I didn't want to say them.
"Um, I like you too?" Alex said, confused. I had to explain myself. I can do this. I suddenly felt more confident than I had done before. I've come this far and I'm not bottling out now, leaving it at that.
"No, Alex... I love you. More than just like, I love you. Alot." I explained.
Alex looked down at the ground and took a deep breath. He looked back up at me and smiled. It was a forced smile, I could tell. Not an Alex smile. Not the smile that makes me go weak at the knees.
"Please reassure me and tell me this isn't a joke." Alex said.
"This isn't a joke, I promise." I replied.
He smiled again, but his smile was real this time. He had that sparkle in his eye, and he was biting his lip. This was going better than I had ever expected it to go.
Alex took a step closer to me, so his body was almost pressed right up against mine. He raised his right hand and rested it against my cheek and put his left hand on the back of my head.
"I love you too." Alex whispered into my ear before he put his lips against mine. I closed my eyes and pressed my body closer to his.
I was half shocked because I wasn't expecting it at all, but I was also happy, because this is how I wanted it to go. This isn't how I'd planned it in my head, this was better. This was the first time I had ever kissed a guy properly, and I expected it to be different from kissing anyone else, but it wasn't. The only way it was different was because it was better than kissing anyone else. Much better. And I enjoyed it alot more... I didn't want it to end. Partly because I didn't know what was going to happen next, but also because it was so perfect, and it felt so right.
Alex pulled away and looked into my eyes for a second, but that's when I remembered... Tay. What if she finds out? What if Alex tells her or one of us gives it away? We can't keep it a secret forever. We can try, but it wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be fair on Tay, either. I like Tay, don't get me wrong, but I love Alex. I almost felt smug about the fact that Alex said he loved me, and meant it. I wanted to go and brag to her, as bad as that sounds - but I also didn't want her to get hurt. I know how much she loves Alex, and he means alot to her, and if she finds out about this it'll hurt her more than anything. I had to say something to Alex, even if it did ruin "the moment".
"What about Tay, Alex?" I asked him, quietly.
"Shh... I'll worry about that. This'll be our secret." He whispered, with a smirk on his face.
I wanted to object, because I didn't want Tay to get hurt, but I couldn't help but like the sound of it. I'd finally got the guts to tell him how I feel, and if telling Tay means that I can't have Alex anymore, then I'd rather not.