Scream, to Be Heard

Chapter 4
“Alex, it really isn’t all that hard.” She laughed, trying to help him. He kept scooting farther away, trying to avoid her help. Partially because he didn’t want her peering over his shoulder and, well, being so close. He didn’t know why, but the thought just made him sick.
“I don’t need any help!” He snapped, getting back to what he was doing. Of course, though, he did need help. This could have been Spanish for all Alex knew.
“Whatever you say, Gaskarth.” Bailey rolled her eyes and got back to her portion of the project. She knew he didn’t understand any of it. But that was Alex for you, never wanting to ask anybody for help. Especially not her. The blonde didn’t get it, though. 'What was up with the thing in the hallway?' She guessed he was just trying to be nice, and went back to her writing. This was their third get-together, and they were both surprised on how well they were getting along. Although neither one would admit to it, they enjoyed each other’s company. They didn’t talk much. The music did the talking for them. Alex looked at his watch.
“SHIT.”
“What? What happened?” Bailey asked, worried. He’d probably missed out on an opportunity to get stoned behind a dumpster. That’s what all the other guys like him did.
“I’m late for…” The word couldn’t pass his lips. He couldn’t say it. It hurt to. Besides, she wouldn’t understand.
“For….?” The girl questioned further, putting her notebook down on the bed. She was concerned more than she really thought she should.
“…I don’t really wanna talk about it.” Alex fidgeted with the ends of his sleeves, hoping to conceal anything that would give it away. 'She wouldn’t understand what I’m going through, and she sure as hell wouldn’t care.'
“That’s fine. I’ll finish up the rest of this part. You go do…that.” Bailey managed to smile, even though she knew something was wrong. But she wasn’t going to question him. That was his business, not hers.
“Okay…so…bye.”
“Bye, Alex.”
This routine went on for the next few days. Alex always running off to somewhere she wasn’t allowed to know. Bailey was getting concerned. Even though they technically weren’t friends-or even supposed to be nice to one another-she cared about his well-being. Shivers went down her spine just thinking about it. Caring? About Alex Gaskarth? HAH. It made her laugh. She’d start caring about him when he started caring in general. This no-fucks-given thing he had going for him wasn’t really a promising trait to his personality.
Then, one day, she noticed what he’d been trying to hide. It was getting warm, and the boy’s sleeves were rolled up. The blonde’s eyes grew in size.
“Alex?” She asked, putting her pen down. He looked over.
“Mhmm?” He cocked an eyebrow at her. 'What, was she gonna ask me to read out one of her gay pornos?' That was honestly the first thing that crossed his mind. Alex was almost ashamed.
“Your wrists.” He held his breath. She saw.
“Uh…what?” The male quickly shoved his sleeves back down his arms. Bailey looked concerned.
“Alex, you can’t hide that. Let me see.”
“There’s nothing to see.” Alex didn’t plan on giving in any time soon. The blonde grabbed his arm and pushed his sweatshirt back up to his elbows. He was shocked; he didn’t expect her to be so forceful. Or even care. She sat for a few seconds, his arm still in her hand. All she could do is look at the scars, pondering.
“Why?” was all she could say. Alex gently pulled away his hands and stuck them between his knees. “Jig’s up, kid.” The boy thought to himself, sighing.
“Why do you care so much?”
“Because.” He shifted to sit cross legged, facing her.
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me.” Damn, she was persistent. Alex rubbed his eyes, took a deep breath, and started his story.
“A few months ago,” he began, “My brother, Thomas, committed suicide.” This was impeccably hard for him to talk about, and he tried to prevent his eyes from watering. He looked up, Bailey urging him to go on. Alex continued.
“We had gotten into a fight, and he just…he just left. Gone. The next morning we got a phone call. They found him in the woods. Dead. Because he hung himself.” The boy was sniffling, holding back tears. He was barely aware of the fact that Bailey had come over to his side and was rubbing comforting circles in his back.
“I started cutting a few weeks later because I felt so guilty. My mom eventually found out and said I needed..” he swallowed hard. “Therapy . And that’s where I rush off to every few days. Now you know.” She stayed next to him for a while.
“Things will get better I’m sure-” he cut her off, not allowing her to finish her thought.
“Things are not going to get better!” He stood up, obviously bothered. “It was all my fault! All my fucking fault! If I had just been a better brother….he’d still be here.” Alex was full on sobbing now. He didn’t even care. He just wanted Thomas back.
“Alex, I understand, but…”
“You don’t fucking understand! My brother killed himself and it was all my fucking fault!” Who did she think she was, trying to tell him things were going to get better. They weren’t.
“ALEX. LET ME FINISH.” She scolded. He got quiet, wiped his tears from his eyes, and stood in front of her. She proceeded.
“I lost my father when I was ten. He was more than just my dad, he was my best friend. We did everything together. But my mom didn’t like it. She said he was bad for me. I didn’t know he was an alcoholic, I really didn’t. He told me the booze kept him feel better, like medicine would make me feel better when I was sick. That’s how he explained it.” Alex sat back down next to her, both of them staring at the floor.
“When he was drunk, I just thought he was happy. My mom thought he wasn’t a good influence, and after all the years she filed for divorce, her taking full custody. But my dad said I meant everything to him. And if he couldn’t have me…well, then he said there was no point in him being around anymore. I didn’t know what was going on. He just said he’d be going away for a really, really long time.” Bailey herself could barely hold back the tears. But she managed. She’d been practicing for some time now. Holding back feelings. If there were a Nobel prize for it, she’d win it. Hands down.
“I said….I said ‘Goodbye, Daddy. I’ll miss you, have a safe trip.’” The blonde shook her head slowly, her tousled tresses brushing Alex’s arm.
“My mom came into my room later that night, eyes red from the tears. She said ‘Daddy’s gone, honey.’ I didn’t understand. He had told me that, hadn’t he? But I didn’t know he meant forever.” There was a comfortable silence. Alex cleared his throat.
“What…what happened to him?” He quickly regretted asking that, because he knew all too well that information like that was very personal. She forced a smile.
“He….he drove off that bridge downtown…” Alex felt bad. First he had screamed at her for not understanding, and now he was making her talk about something that had scarred her for life. The boy instinctively put his arm around her. He’d be sure not to tell Rian about this.
“Bails…I’m so sorry..” Bails? Where the fuck did that come from? She looked up, obviously just as shocked as he was that he had just used that nickname.
“Bails?” She managed to smile, raising an eyebrow. The boy blushed.
“I don’t know,” he said with a chuckle. Bailey-or should we say Bails- angled herself toward Alex, their knees touching.
“Anyways,” she continued, pushing hair out of her face, “Moral of the story is that I understand where you’re coming from.”
“Did you cut?” Another question Alex quickly took back. The girl looked up, their brown eyes meeting. He noticed her freckles for the first time. They made her look youthful and sweet, masking her tragic past.
“No, I didn’t.” She, with some feelings against it, took her journal off the dresser and put it on her lap. Alex stared down at it, arm still around the girl.
“I did this instead.” So many inappropriate thoughts rushed through Alex’s mind. 'Did she write porn to comfort her? Was she going to show me? Was this going to be really weird?' But as she opened her book, those thoughts went away. The pages were filled with beautiful drawings, song lyrics, and letters to her dad. Alex was moved. Really.
“A lot different than you expected, right?” She joked, obviously aware of the sick rumors that went around the school. Some of which he had helped spread, and now felt guilty about.
“Wow…those are…beautiful…” The boy managed to say, studying the drawings in the sketchbook. Pictures of her and a man who he assumed to be her father, intricate doodle of flowers and spirals, and more random things, like music notes bordering pages.
“Just goes to show you should really get to know somebody before you judge them.” Alex felt beyond guilty. She knew he didn’t originally want to work with her. At all.
“Bailey….I’m so sorry…I’m such an idiot.” She rubbed his back.
“It’s okay, really. It is,” The blonde said soothingly. He looked over at her lap, where the book still laid.
“And I’m sorry for not telling you where I was going all this time.”
“Alex, it’s okay. I went through the same thing. For weeks, I wouldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I had ran out of tears to cry. And my grandmother told my mom that I needed to see a specialist. Because she thought something was wrong with me. And you know, that’s just the worst feeling. When they think something’s wrong with you, but really, all you need is a fucking hug.” She laughed, attempting to hide her sadness.
“I know how you feel.” Alex sighed. He knew he’d never be able to talk to Jack or Rian like this. They’d just say to slap a smile on and get over it. They were fun guys , he didn’t deny that, but when it came to emotions, they just didn’t really care. And there was Zack. Who went to another school so Alex didn’t get to talk to him there. He was always off in his own little world anyways. But you know. Zack does what Zack does.
The brown haired boy almost jumped when he found a pair of arms around him. Specifically, Baileys. His heart skipped a beat, but Alex was sure it was just the shock. He smiled, and wrapped his arms around her. Heads on each other’s, shoulders, the moment was silent, but comforting. Both of them cried silent tears, knowing that the other knew exactly what they had been put through. And for once, Alex felt better. That’s all he did really need. A fucking hug.
“So, promise me Alex, if you ever feel the need to hurt yourself, please, come over. I’m here for you, okay? I always will be.” The boy smiled, and the blonde returned it.
“I promise.” And he meant it. He went home that day, and instead of reaching for his razor blade, he got his guitar. Bailey also reached for hers, satisfied. He and Alex had finally gotten over their ‘I’m-not-actually-excited-to-see-you-so-let’s-just-get-this-over-with’ phase. They both fell asleep that night easier than they had in a very long time.