C'est La Mort

You think you know someone. You love that person with everything in you and you're always there for them, no matter what... But sometimes it just becomes too much. As I lie here in my dark room, warm bed alone, I began to wonder where my fiance' was at. Did he leave our house to find someone who could take care of his needs better than I or did he go for a midnight snack? I doubt the latter, as I hadn't seen him have an actual meal in weeks. Is it because he is depressed and unhappy with me? I don't know. He is vague about his problems and also where he goes when no one can find him- intellectually as well as physically. I just don't know anymore. When he isn't gone out with his friends, he's usually consumed in his work. His music and band is more important that I am, I mean it was here before me. It is his masterpiece, after all. I remember a time when he would have given anything just to be with me. I always stopped to wonder if he would have resented me for it, had I let him. Probably. I hope his music can fill all of whatever void he is feeling... He tries to pretend as if nothing is wrong, but I can tell by the look in his eyes that it is. I can still see the love for me in them, but is it fading? I could only hope it wasn't.

I stood up, letting the covers slide away from me as I moved. Chill bumps immediatly covered my skin when the cold air met me. I shivered, crossing my arms as I walked down the stairs. I stopped to see what the thermastat was set on, noticing that Matt had turned the air conditioner down to 65 degrees. What the hell is wrong with him? I didn't see him in the living room or in the kitchen. I was afraid to go to his studio, afraid that he wouldn't be there. My wonder quickly overcame that fear. I creaked the door open slowly, peering inside. I sighed when I saw that Matt was sitting at his piano, playing softly. I stood there and listened for a moment, appreciating the beautiful music. I didn't want to interupt his beautiful melody, so I slipped up behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist. He immediately stopped playing, ending the beauty with a very dreadful note. I cursed at myself for even interupting him. He sighed, never looking at me or saying anything. Instead, he waited for me to speak first.

"Matt, I'm freezing. Why did you turn the air down to 65?" I asked him quietly, cuddling closer to his warm body. I could hear his heart beating- it was faster than usual. It concerned me a bit.

"I'm so tired, but I don't want to sleep because I'm working on this song. I have to finish this." he told me, his voice a bit raspy.

"I know... I wish you would come to bed. You just got back from tour and you need to rest. This song can wait until tomorrow, right?" I asked, kissing his shirtless shoulder. Goose bumps arose where my lips had touched. Probably because of the temperature change from the room to my warm breath and lips. He finally looked at me, his eyes seemed dark. He didn't even look the same.

"Lacey, if Jimmy had waited until tomorrow, then Fiction wouldn't have ever been finished. I need to finish this now." he replied in a very annoyed voice. I get it, I am annoying him. I can take a hint. I knew when and when not to push Matt and now just wasn't the time.

"Fine. I get it. And when you decide to finally sleep, you can sleep alone in the guest bedroom." I snapped, feeling a bit resentful of him.

"If that's what you want!" he called back before I left the room and slammed the door behind me. That was actually the last thing I wanted, but I couldn't let him know that. I thought that maybe he would change his mind when he realized how much it bothered me that he wouldn't come to bed. This time that didn't work, but there's no going back now.

What has happened to the Matt I know and love? He seems like he is slowly fading away and I stand there helplessly, reaching out to him the best way I know how.



My beautiful fiance' just left the room, slamming the door behind her. She told me that I would be sleeping in the guest bedroom. Fuck that! I bought this house! Who the hell does she think she is? Then again, I don't blame her for saying that. I haven't exactly been the best person lately, never coming to dinner, living on poptarts and never being there for her when she really needs me. I can't, I've been working on this album. I know it's soon, but I just don't know what else to do. I have to make up for not having Jimmy to write on this next album. I know I can't make these songs amazing as quickly as he could, so I have to work on them right away. And maybe it's a good thing that Lacey and I aren't getting along like we should, I mean it could give me something to write about... And maybe I want to push her away... She is just going to let me go on to love her and leave just like Jimmy did. I know she has put up with a lot of my shit lately, but she can't do this forever. I don't know if I will ever be the same ole Matt I was when we first got together and I know that's what she's looking for in me. I know she misses that and so do I, but I just can't help it.

I sighed and returned to the melody I had been playing before she interupted me. I chose to write all of my songs on piano this time because I knew that was how Jimmy wrote most of his songs. Maybe it will help me find something that I'm missing.