C'est La Mort

I awoke with a jolt, sweat pouring down my forehead, although it seemed to be below freezing in my room. I had a nightmare, but my memory of it was a bit vague. I remember that there was a baby and people were crying…That’s strange… I quickly forgot about that nightmare as I turned over into another- the one where Matt wasn’t in our bed. At the same time, I remembered why he wasn’t in our bed. Because of me. You can take that phrase however you want to because I mean it in every way possible. I can’t believe I was so hard on him last night when I got pissed that he didn’t want to come to bed just yet. I can’t help but to think that I am a horrible person, I feel like I always somehow make everything about me when all I need to be doing right now is being there for Matt while he’s going through this hard time. Honestly, I think he just doesn’t really know how to start an album without Jimmy, he’s never had to before. I felt a truck load of guilt hit me like a ton of bricks and also, I just miss Matt and I want to cuddle with him until the end of time. So, finally I just said ‘fuck it’ and decided to go find my fiancé.

The guest bedroom was the first place that I looked and BINGO, he was there. He was all cuddled up in the blankets …Normally he’s cuddled up to me. ): I could see that his mouth was slightly agape and he was making his normal muffled snoring sound. It actually became a sound that calmed me rather than annoyed me. I had grown accustomed to it. I tiptoed in and quietly closed the door behind me, making my way over to the bed. I slowly climbed in behind him, slipping my arms around his waist and getting as close to him as possible. I felt the familiar butterflies in my stomach when I felt him wrap his arms around me tightly. I sighed in contentment, but I was afraid to move. I didn’t want to ruin the moment.

“You’re not angry anymore?” he asked me in a groggy but quiet voice.

“No.” I whispered, slipping my small hand into his large one.

“I thought you’d stay mad this time.” I closed my eyes and took in his familiar scent.

“Did you want me to?” I asked… Maybe it was a stupid question, but I didn’t really know what else to say.

“No.”

“I missed you last night. I never want to sleep without you again.” I told him as he gently pulled away from me.

“I know… Babe, I gotta go get to work. I was supposed to be at Brian’s twenty minutes ago.” He told me, finally letting go of my hand and getting up out of the bed. I rose up and watched him shuffle around the room for his clothes. He was currently only wearing his boxers.

“Music? You’re going to work on the album some more?” I asked, trying not to sound a little disappointed. I immediately decided to not be angry and instead support him in all of the work that he decided to do. Even if it meant never having any time for me.

“Yeah, Brian had a song he wanted to play for me.” He mumbled, about to walk out the door.

“Good… Maybe I can hear it soon.” I said, trying to cheer myself up a little.

“Maybe… Bye Lacey.” He told me before walking out the door. A million emotions went through my mind all at once. He never kissed me once or even told me that he missed me… and he never mentioned the word ‘love’ once. I just really don’t know what to do. I started to sob when I realized that he really wasn’t coming back to say all of those things that I longed to hear.



I heard Lacey crying in the guest bedroom as I walked out the front door. I wanted to go back and hold her and tell her that I love her, but I just couldn’t. There was something that was holding me back and right now I can’t take the time to figure it out. Instead of driving to Brian’s house, I decided to walk since he only lived a few blocks away and I felt I needed the fresh air. Hopefully something will knock some sense into me because I am letting these things that I never wanted happen right in front of my eyes. If Jimmy was here, he would know just what to do.

“Psst! Hey, buddy!” someone yelled at me from a dark alley that I walked by. I stopped, confused about who would be trying to get my attention here. The voice sounded familiar, yet I couldn’t quite figure out who’s face the voice belonged to. I walked a little closer before the person came out of the shadows.

“Sanders, right?” he asked, studying my face. I nodded, realizing that I recognized this person, but I was also confused to as why he would be stalking me in a dark alley- especially this early in the morning. I remained calm, because you see, I am used to having people stalk my existence. It’s nothing new, yet I never understood it. I’m just like everyone else, only I can sing a little.

“Do you remember me?” he asked, his brown eyes dull in the morning light. He was thin and unhealthy, but he wore a faded Jack Daniels shirt and some torn off shorts. He looked to be in his late 40’s. I had to think for a minute to think about where I had seen him before. Oh yeah! I went with Jimmy to his house…but that was probably about 10 years ago. I’m surprised that I remember.

“You were friends with Jimmy, right?” I asked him, rubbing my right hand through my short hair. I don’t really have time for this shit, but I figured I would see what he had to say. Maybe it is important.

“I…well…I guess you could say that…” he trailed off, becoming silent.

“Dude, if you have a point, please get to it because I am really late and I have a lot of work to do today.” I told the man, putting my hands on my waist, waiting for his response. He sighed, pulling something out of the pocket of his hoodie. I jumped back, thinking maybe it was a weapon, but instead it was a bag full of white powder. Some sort of drugs, I’m guessing. I jumped to the conclusion that he was trying to sell me drugs and I rolled my eyes.

“Man, no. I’m not really into the whole drug…deal…” I said, holding up my hands. I was about to just walk away, but what he had to say began to sound rather interesting.

“This was Jimmy’s. He said it helped him write better…whatever he was writing…Ya know I found it in his house and took it the night that he died.” He explained, looking down at it as he spoke.

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked him, beginning to feel sick at my stomach. I didn’t even know that Jimmy was doing drugs again… He did in the past- we all did, but past being the key word here.

“I stole from Jimmy and I regret it… I had some already so I didn’t even use that night. I found out that he died the next day and I could never bring myself to do it… I am going to kill myself if I don’t get rid of this.” He said, reaching the white substance towards me eagerly as if it would burn his hand. I back away.

“I’m good… you can just sell that to someone else. I’m sure you can find a lot of people who would love to have that. Hell, just throw it away! Look, I’m leaving!” I told him, starting to walk. Suddenly, he pulled out a gun, aiming it at me.

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?! You gonna fucking shoot me because I won’t take your goddamn crack or whatever the hell that is?!” I became very pissed off because of the lack of respect I was getting right now.

“It’s cocaine. Just take it. You don’t have to do it, hell you can give it to someone else. I just need to give it to you.” the fucking maniac told me.

“Are you fucked up in the head?!”

“Maybe I am, but do you want to die today?” he asked me, aiming the gun towards my chest.

“I don’t want to have that shit on me. For all I know you could be setting me up.”

“Do I look like a narc to you? Hell I’m probably going to go do a line of coke when I leave.” He was being a smartass now.

“Seems legit.” I said, reaching my hand out for the bag. This is the only way I was getting away from this crazy motherfucker. I will just throw it away when I get home tonight.