C'est La Mort

I paced around the kitchen back and forth as I waited for Matt to get home. He had been gone all day and he hadn't even called. I was about to walk over to Brian's house myself, but then I got a simple text from him that read I'm on my way. At least he cares enough to let me know that he's on his way home. That's a good sign, right? A small one, though. Not big enough to take away the ultimatum I'm about to give him. I had been talking to my friend Stephanie about Matt all evening. I told her the whole story and the shitty way everything is going. She told me that I need to be a little patient with him since different people deal with deaths differently. It has been a while since Jimmy had passed (too long) and he was just now beginning to deal with things correctly. I know things are tough for him, but they are tough for me as well and he has no right to take things out on me. If he's not going to try and fix things himself, then I'm going to have to do it for him. I'm going to ask him to go to couple's counseling with me on Monday. I know it might seem like a lot, but it would make me feel a lot better about things if he at least cares enough to go. I'm am not going to hold down the fort by myself. I was distracted from my thoughts when I heard someone come in the front door. I knew it was Matt because he was the only one who had a key and by habit, I was excited. I am always excited to see the face of the man I love. I wonder if he feels the same. Two years ago, I would have never even questioned that.

"Hey, Matty." I greeted him as he came into my view. He gave me a fake smile, saying nothing.

"I really need to talk to you about something." I told him when I realized that he had nothing to say to me.

"Really? Uh... Can this wait? I really have something that I need to take care of." he told me, taking his bag off of his shoulder. He started to unzip it, but he hesitated and then just sat the bag down on the ground.

"I'm afraid not... It's important." I told him, determined to get a little bit out of him tonight. He sighed and ran a hand through his short hair before he entered the kitchen completely and leaned against the counter beside of me.

"What's this about?" he asked, his voice a bit raspy.

"I...well, it's about us... I know things haven't been going well for us- as a couple I mean..." I trailed off, planning my next words.

"Are we breaking up?" he asked me, he seemed a little vulnerable, though I couldn't be sure.

"No... I mean, do you want us to?" I told him, almost afraid to hear his answer. It wasn't the question I meant to ask him, but it had to be asked. A look of disbelief washed over his face.

"Of course not! If I wanted us to, then I wouldn't be here right now. I know I've been busy a lot, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to be with you!" he told me, his words came out a lot quicker than usual. I was pleased that I got the rise out of him that I was looking for.

"Well then... You won't have a problem with...maybe going to couples counseling, right?" I asked him, my voice hopeful.

"What?!" he asked me, a disgusted look on his face.

"I love you, Matt. I do. But you don't give me enough to feel content about the way you feel about me." I argued, trying to explain to him why I thought it was a good idea to begin with.

"What the fuck do you mean?" he seemed genuinely confused.

"Like when you left this morning-" he cut me off.

"This is about this morning?! I was in a hurry! I was late!" he defended himself.

"I don't give a shit that you were late for Brian's little session! You could've at least said you loved me before you left!"

"That's what this is about?! You don't think I love you?! All this fucking shit I'm doing is for you! You think I would do all of this goddamn work if I didn't have you to take care of?! Like I give a shit if Ieat or not! Look at me! I'm a goddamn mess!' he said, motioning a hand over his body. He actually had lost about 20lbs since he started working on the record. I didn't even know what to say to him.

"Matt, you might think you're being all selfless and shit, but let me tell you this; You're not! What you're doing to yourself is hurting me more than it's hurting you! Goddamn it, I don't need you to take care of me! I need you to take care of yourself! Please!" I pleaded with him.

"Why? I don't want to live anymore, Lacey. I just want to make music and take care of you is all I want." he seemed calm, and calm in a scary way. My eyes grew wide.

"You need help." I told him when every other word escaped me.

"No, actually, you know what I want? I want you to get out!"

"What?!" I asked him, my eyes growing wide again.

"Get the fuck out! Go stay with Stephanie and Brian! I don't need this right now!"

"You know what?! Fuck you! You think this is a fucking game?! When I leave, Matt, I'm not coming back!" I warned him, tears filling my eyes. I couldn't believe that he was telling me to leave.

"Good, maybe I can get some goddamn work done without you nagging at me all day for not saying 'I love you' one fucking time!"

I gave him one last look of disbelief and without even packing, I stormed out the door and ran as fast as I could.



I don't know what got into me when I told Lacey to leave. Like I said, she's the reason I do all of this shit. I have to support her and take care of her. I do love her even if I don't say it as much as she wants me to. The last thing I really want is for her to leave and not be here, but right now it's the last thing I have time to think about. If it's meant to be, she'll come back, right?

I sat there at my piano trying my best to come up with a song. Maybe a song to describe the way I feel or maybe some bat shit crazy song about necromance... It just wasn't working. I need someone or something to help me write this song. I can't let Jimmy down. Then I remembered what happened this morning with that crazy motherfucker in the alley. He gave me some fucking drugs that I need to get rid of. I started to take them out and throw them away when I got here, but I didn't want Lacey to see. She would have assumed that I was taking them. I unzipped my bag, pulling the white substance out. What to do with this... I could sell it to someone- I mean a lot of people are on cocaine these days. I don't really need the money, though and I would really hate to aid someone in killing themselves... So I'll just throw it in the garbage. I walked into the kitchen, over to the garbage can and was about to dispose of the cocaine, but something stopped me. This crazy thought popped up in my head. I remember the strange man saying “This was Jimmy’s. He said it helped him write better…

Good idea, right? Not really, but I'm just fucking crazy enough to try it. I've got nothing to lose right? And I mean, Lacey's not home... But I will only do this once, and no one else will know about it. Maybe it will help me write better if it helped Jimmy. Hell, who am I kidding? Jimmy was an amazing write before he started doing anything like this. If Jimmy said it helped him write better, it was likely just an excuse to do it again... But what if it really did help? Well, there's no better way to find out.

With shaky hands, I poured some of the cocaine out onto the table, taking a credit card and making a small line for myself to snort. I didn't dare take so much that I had seen other people take before, but I took enough to where I knew it was bound to make me high. I had experimented with other drugs (mostly pills) before- when I was young and dumb, but I had never experimented with cocaine. What the hell can I use to snort this? I went over to the cabinet, looking in the drawer for any straws. Why the hell would we have a straw? I don't know, but we did. I took it, cut it in half with some scissors and then made my way back to the table. I looked up at the ceiling, thinking of Jimmy. I didn't dare say 'This is for you, Jimmy', but I honestly did feel like it was for him. To keep his legacy alive. I didn't want to put him to shame with some shitty music. I had always been a good writer, but never anywhere close to Jimmy. With one last deep breath, I leaned down and snorted the white line I had made for myself. I gasped, as it burned the shit out of my nostrils and nasal cavity and I coughed. The cough burned all the way down my throat and I also felt as if I had a head rush.

"What the fuck have I done?" I said to myself as I grabbed the bag of cocaine and quickly threw it in the garbage.