C'est La Mort

"I've had it with this shit! Everything I do and everything I say is always wrong!" I complained, getting up from the soft, blue chair to put my own jacket on. I didn't look at Dr. Hannigan as I was about to walk out the door.

"Can I at least give you some friendly advice?" Dr. Hannigan asked me, stopping me dead in my tracks at the door.

"It couldn't hurt, I guess." I agreed, turning around with a sigh.

"Learn to listen to her. She obviously loves you or she wouldn't even bother, trust me, I know. But, just listen. Try to understand why she's upset. Then you can explain yourself to her. You can't read each other's minds. So you're not going to know how either one of you is feeling unless you tell one another." he explained slowly. I nodded, taking his advice in and really thinking about it. He spoke the truth.

"Thanks man." I thanked him, starting towards the door, but I stopped and turned around to look at him one more time.

"Oh and... sorry for... this." I told the older man, seeing him nod before I walked out the door. Now I need to go find Lacey and talk to her.

Finally, I made it out to the car. I knew Lacey and I knew that every time she had the chance to, she would take the driver's seat. She loves to drive. I braced myself to be yelled at as I pulled the passenger side door open. I sat down and slammed the door shut. I sighed and looked over at her, ready for the argument to begin.

"We have to go get Lyric a birthday present." She told me, starting up the car and backing out of the parking lot. I nodded at her, knowing that she probably didn't even see. I was relieved that she hadn't started an argument. I honestly felt bad for the way I had been treating her lately, and I wanted to somehow show her that I still cared. I took a deep breath and reached for her hand, which was on her lap. She always drove with one hand. She pulled her hand away, saying nothing and hurting my feelings. I never dreamed in a thousand years that she would ever deny my affection.

"I love you." I told her, trying to get some sort of response from her. She sighed, looking out her window. I could almost see a tear in her eye.

"Now's not the time, Matt." And I could tell by her response that this time I had gone too far. I tried not to think about it too much, hoping that later I could apologize to her and that everything would be alright between us.

I remembered that I also had to get back to work on the album. I couldn't believe that snorting that cocaine worked for me. I wrote the most amazing song I had ever written. I don't necessarily believe that's how Jimmy wrote his songs because he was already a genius, but I knew that it probably helped. I sort of enjoyed the high, also. I snorted just the right amount. Maybe if I only kept doing that small amount, I could do it every day to write good songs until I finished the album. Then I could just stop. But no, I don't want to do that. What if I get addicted? I couldn't do that to Lacey or my son. I will never do cocaine again. That was the only time. I threw the last bit I had in the garbage and that's where it's going to stay.

Tomorrow is my son, Lyric's birthday. We have to go to his birthday party and give him his present. I dread that for both Lacey and myself (having to look at Val's face), but it's my son and I want to be in his life. I'd do anything for that kid. I love him so much and I miss him. He's getting big! Where has time gone?