Just Consider It

"So what's the plan for tonight?" Niall asked me. He was lying on his back, sprawled on my bed, throwing a soccer ball into the air and catching it again.

"I dunno," I answered, glancing over at him. It was New Year's Eve. Tyler had just gotten back from Manchester yesterday, and we'd made plans to go out tonight. "Why, do you have any?"

He shrugged. "Me and the boys were gonna hang out. Play some FIFA."

"What, no wild parties? No hook-ups?" I teased, marking a page in my book and setting it down.

"Maybe," Niall said thoughtfully. "Maybe we'll just go to the bar or something."

"Why don't you call that girl you told me about, what was her name? Megan?" I suggested. There'd been a girl whom Niall had been "talking" to, Megan. Niall was pretty sure she was interested, but didn't know if he should ask her out or not. "Invite her to meet you tonight."

And for some reason, as soon as I said that I instantly regretted it. It was like I almost wanted him to stay at home with his friends instead of going out and getting completely drunk and fucking some girl. But I didn't even know why I cared because he was my best friend and he also happened to be my boyfriend's (emphasis on boyfriend) roommate and I shouldn't care where he put his dick.

Niall just looked at me, like he knew what was going on inside my head. "Maybe." Then he brightened. "Are you wearing the necklace?"

I looked down at it. "Yeah, of course." I absolutely loved the owl necklace, flaunting it around to everyone who would look at it. When I showed Avery, she'd merely pressed her lips together and offered a small, almost knowing smile that I didn't understand.

I'd tried to wear the bracelets and shirt Tyler had given me as often as I could, but it was hard because, frankly, I hated them. They were pretty, but they weren't me. And the fact that my own boyfriend didn't know that made me wonder if he really knew me at all.

Of course he does, I thought sternly, shaking my head. Of course he did. Tyler made me feel happy, and usually boys couldn't do that. Usually no one could do that.

I loved Tyler. I was pretty sure I did. And in the spurr of the moment, I decided that today would be a good day to tell him. "You know what?" I said to Niall, standing up.

"Hmm?" he asked. He'd put down the soccer ball and was now stretched out on my bed, eyes closed.

"I think," I said carefully, "I'm going to tell Tyler I love him."

His eyes shot open and he sat up so fast it was a miracle he didn't fall off of the bed. For a second he just stared at me, unblinking, looking even more serious than before.

"You're gonna tell him you love him," Niall repeated slowly.

"Yes," I answered, smiling. "Yes, I am." I hadn't felt this excited in a long time. I could feel a strange kind of buzzing in my chest, getting louder and louder as time went on and all I could think was I'm gonna tell him I'm gonna tell him I'm gonna tell him. "We're going out tonight and I'm going to tell him then."

In my mind it would be perfect. We would be kissing or something and then I would pull back a little and say it. "I love you." And he would pause and look at me with wonder and joy in his eyes and say it back. I could practically hear him saying it. There was no way it could go wrong.

I expected Niall to be happy for me, but all he did was chew his lip. "Well?" I asked, a little impatiently.

"Well."

"Aren't you excited for me?" I tapped my foot. I was antsy, impatient, waiting for the moment to come so I could let the words spill out. "This is kind of a big thing for me." A very big thing.

"Oh, I know," Niall nodded. "I know . . . but are you sure you're making the right decision, H?"

I stopped. "What do you mean, 'making the right decision'? Tyler's my boyfriend. What could go wrong?" I answered my own question. "Nothing could go wrong. I'm going to tell him."

"Hero . . ." he trailed off. "I just . . ."

"Can you please form some coherent sentences, Niall? I don't have time for this, I've got to get ready." I went to Maggie's dresser and pulled open drawers, digging around for some clothes. I wanted something sexy, maybe something black, but I definitely didn't want to give off that dominatrix vibe, which ruled out at least a quarter of Maggie's clothes.

"I just don't want you to get hurt."

I made a "tuh" noise. "I won't get hurt."

"Are you sure?"

I turned and faced him. "Yes, I'm positive!" And I was. I'd convinced myself that this time would be different, that here was someone who liked me and accepted me. Maybe all of those other times had just been bad luck, they happened to everyone. I was even excited, ready to proclaim my feelings for once. I was a little annoyed that he wasn't sharing in my enthusiasm, because normally it was the other way around.

"Alright, alright. Just be careful, okay? Tyler's kinda got a reputation and I don't want you getting hurt."

I rolled my eyes. "I'll be fine. Don't worry about me. I love him, Niall." I relished the way it sounded in my mouth. I turned back to the dresser, but not before I saw something break in his eyes.

* * *

The streets were crowded with people walking to and from bars, giggly and amped up on the upbeat atmosphere. It was contagious, and I could feel my stomach floating higher and higher as Tyler and I sat down at our table.

We ordered our meals and I watched his face, trying to see if I could pick out any emotion in his eyes, like I could with Niall. With Niall, I instantly knew if he was happy or sad or angry, because it was all there in his face. I was disappointed to find that I couldn't see anything. Or maybe he was just in a serious mood.

I was feeling pretty confident with myself. I was wearing one of Maggie's less provocative dresses, and it was black and strapless and went mid-thigh. I also had on matching heels (those were my own, thanks very much) and Maggie had put some weird gel in my hair that made it smooth and shiny. I liked to think that I looked good, or at least better than usual.

"I've got something to tell you," Tyler began. My stomach jumped again. Wouldn't it be funny if we both said the exact same thing at the exact same time?

I felt like such a teenage girl, and it was both liberating and sickening. I glanced at my phone. It was 11:02. I hoped our food would come soon, because a new idea had just struck me. What if I said it at midnight to ring in the new year? How romantic would that be? I imagined Tyler's face, illuminated by the glow of the streetlights as I said the three words, my voice mixing in with the cheers around us. I congratulated myself for coming up with a brilliant plan.

"Hero," Tyler waved a hand in front of my face, frowning, and I heard Niall in my mind. "Tyler's kinda got a repuation." No, not Tyler. "Are you listening to me?"

"Yes," I said. "You said you had something to tell me. And I have something to tell you, too, just not here."

He furrowed his eyebrows. "What?"

"I said not here. Later, before the ball drops." I wiggled my eyebrows slyly, although it probably looked a little creepy instead of sexy. Whatever. I had plenty of time to work on it. "Why don't you wait until then, too?"

Tyler chewed his lip, looking a little anxious. "Actually, I kind of want to tell you now."

"Now?" I guessed he wanted to rush it. No problem, although I hadn't really planned for this. "Okay, I guess." I smoothed my dress, feeling the excited, jumpy, nervous, fluffy feeling creep up on me again.

Tyler heaved a sigh and said, "Hero, I know we've been dating for a while, and it's been loads of fun . . ."

"Yes?"

"And you're really great and all . . ."

I nodded eagerly. Say it say it say it say it.

"But I think we should break up." Tyler sat back, like he'd just eaten a huge meal, and eyed me apprehensively.

I blinked at him. "Wait, you what?"

"I think we should break up," he repeated slowly.

I saw those six words in my mind, huge and looming over me. I swallowed, all of the saliva suddenly having drained from my throat. I tried to wrap my brain around it, but couldn't. Was this some kind of joke? I watched him, waiting for him to laugh and say he was kidding, but he didn't. There was nothing funny about this.

"No," I said, shaking my head. "No, you don't."

"Yes," he said, "I do."

"But . . . I was going to tell you that I . . ." I couldn't get the words out, but he understood anyway.

"Hero," Tyler said, like I was a little kid. "I'm sorry you're upset. But this relationship just isn't working out, okay? We're both young and I just want to have fun and it's not like that. You're just a bit . . . clingy. And this proves it."

I felt his words hit me in the gut, over and over. How had he known? My first thought was Niall, but I knew he wouldn't do that. My eyes started to burn. This was awful. This was awful. And I couldn't even get up and get away.

"You said that I wasn't spending enough time with you, that I was with Niall too much . . . and now I'm clingy?" I said with disbelief.

"I'm sorry, Hero." He sounded kind, almost like he was pitying me. And that was just the cherry on top of my cake of humiliation. Anger seized me and my vision went red and I clenched my fists because I did not need his pity.

I stood up, slamming my hands on the table, and snapped, "Fuck you, Tyler." A few people glanced over as I threw my napkin down and stormed out, newfound adrenaline pumping through me. As I left, I paused by the door and said to a nearby waiter, "You see the table with the guy in the gray shirt over there? That one?"

"Yes," the waiter answered. "Is there something wrong?" he asked, noticing my wild eyes.

"No, no," I answered, trying to calm down. "Just - charge your most expensive meal to his table. Okay? Please."

"Okay," he said, sounding a little bemused.

"Thank you. Have a nice night." I smiled, although I probably looked like I was baring my teeth, and left. I looked at my phone's clock: 11:10. More people were gathered around now, squeezing in one last party before the new year.

I was still in shock, the world tilting as I tried to comprehend that I had just gotten dumped and embarrassed myself at the same time. I paused on the sidewalk and took a few deep breaths, although they came out more ragged and hysterical than anything. I rubbed my face with my hands before I started walking again, stumbling in my heels before finally taking them off and going barefoot.

How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let myself feel that way, so giddy and carefree? My face was flushed with humiliation as I saw the pitying look on Tyler's face, the kind smile, the way he looked at me like he felt sorry for me. I was ashamed of myself.

I mostly just felt stupid, though, because why had I even allowed myself to fall into that trap in the first place? Why had I just assumed that everything from my past had simply been bad luck, and that Tyler was "different" and "special"? Why had I thought that he would ever want to really be with me?

But I was beginning to understand now, understand that I wasn't good enough for anybody. Love, real love, didn't exist, and if it did then I was destined to be one of those people who wouldn't get it.

I pictured myself sitting at weddings alone, drinking champagne that turned sour in my mouth because I knew no one would ever want to stand up with me in front of everyone else. I pictured all the club scenes and dances that I went to, trying desperately to get away, but it all just caught up to me again and again. The world was moving fast and I was caught up in it all, being thrown around like a small fish in a wild current.

I managed to make my way back to campus and into my dorm, stumbling down the hall to my room. I unlocked the door and let myself inside, flipping on the lights. I caught a look at myself in the mirror, wild hair and animal-like eyes, and I crashed into Maggie's bed and fell on the ground, heaving.

Maggie and Avery were gone, thank God, having decided to go out together. Maggie had three brothers and Avery had gotten stuck with a sister like me, so they often took refuge in each other's girliness.

After a long time of just lying on the floor and thinking about absolutely nothing at all, trying to erase my mind of all the equations and numbers and letters I'd learned over the past nineteen years because then maybe my feelings would disappear along with it, I finally got up and went down the hall to where the showers were. No one was there.

I took a long shower, switching the water from burning hot to freezing cold to back to hot and then back to cold, but the water felt beige, just wet beads on my skin. I scrubbed my skin raw, trying to get the night off of me, like humiliation and shame and anger and hurt were real, tangible things, heavy and weighing me down like a bunch of sweaters.

I dried my hair and put on a t-shirt and sweatpants and crawled into bed. It was 11:58. I could hear everyone yelling and laughing outside, although even if everything was dead silent I wouldn't have been able to fall asleep. I thought of Tyler. Was he still at the restaurant, or had he left? Maybe he had already found a new girl. Had he gotten the check and seen the huge amount, too big for one person? Did he regret dumping me? Did he ever even like me at all?

I thought of Maggie and Avery, out getting shitfaced at some club to ring in the new year. I thought of Mason, asleep at home with a sitter. I thought of my mother and father, who were probably at a dinner party with some colleagues. I thought of all my past boyfriends and hook-ups and wondered if I ever crossed their mind or if I was just another nameless face, someone to fill the slot between their past and their next.

And then as everyone shouted, "10 . . . 9 . . . 8 . . ." I thought of the boys: Harry, Louis, Liam, Zayn, and Niall. I wondered what they were doing, if they too were out partying or if they were sitting at someone's house, watching TV and throwing food at each other and laughing because their friendship was effortless and they'd never been hurt. I stared out the tiny window up at the sky and wondered if Niall was looking at it too.

"7 . . . 6 . . . 5 . . ."

I squeezed my eyes shut, curling into myself, as if being smaller would make the pain smaller too when it only just made it bigger.

"4 . . . 3 . . ."

Here it comes.

"2 . . . 1 . . . HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

And that was how I rang in the new year, alone.