Just Consider It

Ever since our slightly uncomfortable conversation the other day, things between me and Niall had been . . . off. I couldn't pinpoint why, they just . . . were. There was underlying tension that just kept building and building, and one day it was going to explode. I just didn't know when.

The day came a few weeks before finals. Niall called me, the first time we'd attempted to make contact with each other in a few days. "We need to talk, I think," was all he said. "Can you meet me out on the quad by my dorm?"

"Um, sure," I agreed. "See you then." He hung up without another word, and I flashed back to that night in November, a long time ago: "I think it's rude to hang up first. So you go ahead, and then I'll hang up after you." I stared at the phone in my hand, and I knew.

"Where are you going?" Maggie asked as I went to the door.

"Meeting Niall."

"Oh. Cool. How come you guys haven't talked much?" she asked.

I paused. "We've both been busy. Finals, and everything."

"Oh. Well, tell him I said hi." She didn't even look up from her books. The one time I wanted Maggie to be suspicious of me was the one time she wasn't. I found myself wanting to shake her, to make her stop me from going. But she didn't.

The sun was finally peeking out as I walked across the campus, and the air was breezy, but not cold. I spotted Niall sitting underneath a tree, and with a heavy heart, I went over and sat across from him. "Hi."

"Hello," he said. He looked very solemn. "How's it going?"

"Fine," I shrugged. "What's going on?"

He sucked in a deep breath. "I don't know how to say this. But I just think . . . like . . ."

"Don't say it," I said suddenly, holding up a hand.

"Hero . . ."

"I said don't," I repeated. Instead of feeling my insides crumple, like I expected, I felt nothing. Just hollow, like I was an empty shell. "I already know what's about to happen."

"And?" Niall asked, sounding a little defensive. "Could you blame me?"

"I just want to know why."

He sucked in a deep breath. "I just . . . I just feel like I'm giving more than you are. Like I care more about this than you."

"What?" I was a little offended now, to be honest. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I am. A girl in my Intro to Music class told me she asked you if we were dating and you said no, Hero. A couple girls did, actually."

I made a mental note to find out the names of the girls and crush them. "Why does it matter?"

"Why does it matter?" Niall repeated, sounding incredulous. "Okay, let's retrace our steps a little bit. First, you said you didn't care if I slept with other people. Did you mean that? Could I just go out and fuck every girl on campus and you wouldn't care?" Before I could answer, he continued, "And now, I find out that you're telling multiple people that we're not dating, that we're 'just friends' or whatever the fuck your excuse was."

"Excuse me?" I snapped. "I told them that because we're not dating. You said so yourself that we didn't have to call it that, that it'd just be sex and fun and that's it."

"That's it?" Niall asked. "Just sex? That's all it ever was for you? All the times I took you out and bought you ice cream and held your hand? You were faking it all along?"

And no, I hadn't. All of those moments had been amazing, and they'd made me feel the way I imagined Avery often felt: loved and cared about. But I knew now that it had been too much, too messy. It reminded me why I'd tried to give up things like that in the first place.

"Tell me, Hero," Niall said. "Tell me that you care about me, and I'll forget this whole thing. Just do that."

"Niall . . ." I tried to open my mouth and form the words, but couldn't. It was like I'd mentally made a pact with myself, and now I was finally acting on it. I couldn't afford to get hurt. Not again.

"Oh, right." He laughed, but it wasn't his usual; it was cold and mean. "I forgot that any time feelings get involved you automatically turn away. Forgot that there'll always be just a huge block of ice in your chest. My mistake."

"That's not fair," I said, my voice shaking. "You don't -"

"I don't know because you don't tell me, Hero! I try to get through to you, but you just clam up and shut me out and pretend like nothing is wrong! And that's unhealthy, you know that? That doesn't help anything at all. You're just gonna sit here forever and turn away everyone who's ever cared about you and it's gonna suck, Hero, and you're never gonna grow."

"Shut up!" I shouted. "Just shut up! You don't know shit about my life. You don't know what I've been through or who's done what to me. You have no fucking right to say any of this about me, understand?"

Niall just shook his head at me, like he was a teacher and I was a child who just couldn't get it. "Do me a favor; stay the fuck away from me, all right? I'm done. I'm done caring for someone who couldn't care less."

"Fuck you." I stood up and stalked away, not letting him squeeze another word in.

The air suddenly felt much colder, and I crossed my arms around me, feeling the wind seep through my thin sweater. I was shaking, but it wasn't from the air.

How had this happened? In just a single year, I'd let myself become vulnerable, allowed myself to open up to not just one, but two people, only to be let down time and time again.

Niall was gone. One minute, he was here with me, laughing and holding my hand, solid and steady, and now he wasn't.

I went back into my dorm and threw open the door to my room, slamming it behind me. Maggie looked up, surprised. "That was quick. What did Niall want?"

"It's over," I said flatly.

"What? What do you mean?"

"I mean that me and Niall - it's done."

Maggie's eyes widened and she sat up. "You mean . . . he dumped you?"

"How could he? We were never together in the first place." I laughed, but I didn't sound like myself. I stretched out on my bed, burrowing my head into my arms. It was a little hard to breathe, but I didn't move.

"God . . . Hero . . . I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter," I said. "I was stupid. I was stupid for thinking that it would ever turn out to be something different."

"No, you're not stupid," Maggie said. I felt the bed sag as she sat down on it, placing her hand lightly on my back. "You and Niall . . . it did seem different."

She was right. Niall was different than all of the boys who'd been in my past. He seemed permanent, real, like he was actually going to stick around this time. I should've known he wouldn't. I should've known he'd be just like the rest.

"I was wrong," I said, and then I put my head back down and allowed myself to feel nothing again.