Just Consider It

As much as I hated admitting it, I really, honestly did miss Niall. I was angry and hurt, of course, but deep, deep down, I wished our fight had never happened. I’d go into class and see him surrounded by tons of admirers, because now that he and I were no longer whatever we’d been, he was fair game. And he seemed to enjoy it, too. I remembered something that Tyler had told me long ago, before Niall and I were something worth considering: “Niall’s not really a one-girl kinda guy. He likes to move fast, and staying tied down isn’t really his thing, you know?” I was surprised he and I had lasted as long as we did; nearly two months.

Maggie was unhelpful, surprisingly: she blamed me for the entire thing. “You need to figure it out for yourself,” was all she said. “I can’t be the one to tell you.” I had a pretty vague idea of what she meant, but I just wasn’t ready to think about things like that yet.

And now, for the first time ever, I no longer had Avery to turn to. She and Noah were tentatively trying to get things back on track with their relationship. Before anything could happen, though, Avery invited both Noah and I over, so we could have a “chat” aka: I told Noah if he ever hurt my sister like that again, I’d break his legs.

He’d laughed, only a little bit nervously. “I suppose I deserve that. I promise I won’t. I want to be here for her and Mason this time.” He seemed genuine with his answer, so I’d accepted it.

And it did seem like this time, things would be different. Avery had changed so much over the past year and a half. She’d gone from my immature, carefree sister to a tower of strength I didn’t even know existed in her. Now that she had my approval (which she said was the most important thing to her. I didn’t say it, but I was secretly pleased), she and Noah began seeing each other more often, and I was glad for them, but I was also lonely, because now I had to share her with someone else. I still had Mason, though, and that made me happy. He was almost two, which was extremely hard to believe.

I was sitting in Avery’s kitchen, enjoying the company of just the three of us, which was rare now that Noah was in the picture. Avery was on the phone, and I was feeding Mason some of his smushed up bananas, his favorite food. He was banging his palms on the high chair tray, willingly opening his mouth every time I held out the spoon.

He smiled wide as he swallowed, and I smiled back. And then, Mason said, “Hero.”

I blinked at him, startled. He grinned even more and repeated, “Hero, Hero, Hero, Hero,” over and over, like a chant.

“Oh my God,” I said, dumbfounded. “You just said my name.” Mason could say things like ‘Mama’ and ‘Dada’ and ‘bye-bye’, but he could never, ever say my name, preferring to call me ‘Heggo.’

“Avery!” I practically screamed. “Avery, come here!”

My sister came sprinting in, looking alarmed. “What? What’s wrong?”

“Mason just said my name,” I said in awe. “He just said my name, properly and stuff.” I pointed to him. “Mace, who am I? What’s my name?”

“Hero,” Mason answered. “Hero, Hero, Hero.”

“Oh my God,” Avery exclaimed. “He’s never done that before, has he?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. And to my surprise, I had tears in my eyes. Real, actual tears.

I tried to force them back, but Avery noticed, of course. “Hero,” she said, sounding surprised. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

I shrugged. “I don’t really know.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Yeah, you do.” She pulled out a chair and sat down next to me, taking my hand in hers. “You never cry. Like, ever. So this must be pretty important.”

I started to open my mouth, but choked on a sob again. Avery’s eyes went wide and she pulled me into her, tucking my head into her neck like she used to do when we were younger and I’d wake up from a nightmare. “Is it Niall?” she asked knowingly. And this time, I just nodded, clinging to her even tighter. “Oh, Hero. I’m sorry.”

“I can’t believe this,” I mumbled. “Look at me. I didn’t even cry when Tyler dumped me.” Thinking of that humiliating night made me cringe, so I moved on. “Why now? Why him?”

She didn’t answer, and when I looked up at her, I saw her lips were pursed in thought. As I watched her, it struck me how different she really was: she’d just gotten home from work, and was wearing a sweater (lint-free, might I add), a black skirt, and flats. Her hair was neatly brushed and completely in place, whereas I was wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants, gray on gray, no less. It was almost like we’d switched roles. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. My whole life, I’d wished for Avery to start acting like the older sister and be responsible and mature for once, but now that it came true, I kind of missed her.

Then, Avery said, “I think you should call Mom.”

My eyes nearly bugged out of my head. I wiped my nose and stared at her. “Excuse me?” I hadn’t spoken to either one of my parents since Christmas, and I really had no desire to.

“I know you’re used to me being there for you, and that’s not going to change, but . . . things are a lot more different than they used to be, Hero. Sometimes, you just need a parent.”

“But . . . that means I’ll have to tell her the truth,”

Avery shrugged. “When I was still debating on whether or not to give Noah a second chance, I called Mom, and she gave me great advice. We’re a lot like her, Hero, in more ways than we think. You just need to give her a chance.”

“I’m scared,” I mumbled, and she nodded.

“It’s okay to be scared. But she’s our mother, Hero, and she does love us. Both of them do.” She was silent for a second before she said, “You deserve to be loved, Hero. You know that, right?”

I shrugged, and she shook her head. “No, that’s the wrong answer. The answer is ‘yes, I do.’ We all do.” She leaned forward, forcing me to meet her eyes. “I don’t know what you’ve been through or who’s made you like this, but I want you to know that, okay? There’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable or opening up to people or allowing yourself to feel love. It can be scary, but it’s okay.” Avery paused. “Maybe that’s why you started to pull away from Niall. He was the only one, at least the only one I ever saw, who could get through to you.” She slapped her hands on her thighs and stood up, lifting Mason out of his seat. “Anyways, I gotta put him down for his nap. Call Mom.”

She left the room without another word, totally unaware that what she’d just said had nearly reduced me to tears again. As I sat there and mulled it over, I realized she was right: I had been the one who pulled away from Niall, not the other way around.

Moments came flooding back to me. All of the times he’d reached for my hand and I’d pulled it away, all of the times he’d attempted to cuddle with me and I’d rejected him, all of the times he’d tried to hug me or kiss me in front of people and I’d shied away. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was unconsciously shutting myself out again, trying to prevent what had happened with Tyler and all of the others from occurring again.

I got up and left Avery’s without another word, racing to the park and claiming an empty bench so I could have privacy. And then I dialed my mother.

“Hello?”

“Mom?”

“Hero?” She sounded surprised. “What’s going on?”

I was about to retort, why do I need a reason to call you? but then I realized that I had also caused this. I bit my lip, feeling like a bad daughter. “Um, nothing. I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh. About what? Is everything okay with school? Finals are coming up, right?”

“Yeah. Everything is fine there.”

“Okay then . . .”

“This is more of a kinda, um, personal problem,” I said slowly.

“Ah. I see.” She sounded just as uncomfortable as I felt. We were no longer in familiar territory. “Okay. I’m listening.”

“Okay, so . . .” I began, but stopped, squeezing my eyes shut. I just couldn’t find the words.

“Hero?” Her voice was a little gentler now, more concerned. “What’s going on?”

I let out a breath, and then I told her everything. I told her about hating Niall, and then having him become my tutor, and then my friend, and then eventually something else. I told her about lying this whole time and Tyler and fucking everything up. And the strange part is that she didn’t yell or interrupt me or anything. She just listened.

When I was finally done, there was a pause. And then my mom said, “I’m sorry, Hero.”

Now I was even more surprised. “Why are you sorry?”

“I know your father and I have always been hard on you, and I’m sorry for that.”

“Oh,” I said. “It’s okay. I’m sorry for lying to you about Niall and everything.”

“That’s okay, too. Speaking of Niall, what are you going to do about that?”

“That’s kind of why I’m calling. Do you think I messed everything up?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Do you think I’m stupid?”

“No,” my mom said. “I think you’re in love. You were stupid for not realizing it, but sometimes it takes people a while.”

In love. “You think I’m in love?”

“Yes, I do. I think you loved him and he loved you, and you still love him now, and unless you do something about it you’ll never know if he still feels the same way. You’ve always been one for playing it safe, Hero, and while sometimes I admire you for it, I can’t say this is one of those times.”

“But . . . what if he doesn’t?”

“Then he doesn’t,” Mom said simply.

“But Mom . . . I don’t want to get hurt again. I can’t. I’m scared.”

She was silent for a moment before she said, “Sometimes, when you love someone, you find that you’re suddenly willing to do a lot of scary things for them. It’s up to you to decide that.”

“Okay,” I said in a small voice. “Thanks, Mom.”

“You’re welcome. I have to go now, but you’ll call and let me know how it goes, won’t you? Niall seems like a wonderful boy.”

“I will. And yeah, he really is.” I smiled a little. “Love you, Mom.”

“I love you, too. Give my best to Avery and Mason . . . and I suppose Noah.”

When I hung up with my mother, I realized how much lighter and happier I felt. Avery had been right (unfortunately): sometimes, all you really did need was a mom.

I went back to my dorm room with a newfound determination. I knew what I had to do.