Just Consider It

Honestly, the way Niall Horan and I became friends was totally unexpected and weird. But I guess I don't regret it, because it made him being my tutor a hell of a lot easier.

Ever since he'd brought my backpack and stuff back, he'd been avoiding me. Sitting on the other side of the room from me in class, leaving his dorm whenever I went to hang out with Tyler, not calling or texting to see when our next study session was. It was like I was completely gone from his life.

I tried to act like nothing was bothering me, but of course Maggie saw right through that. "Go see him," she urged. "Even if you don't want him to tutor you, at least go apologize."

"Why should I?"

"Because both of you said things you shouldn't have and it'll be less awkward if you can be in the same room without hating each other," she said wisely.

Unfortunately, she was right. Besides, Tyler wouldn't stop bothering me about it, so it would save me some sleep at night if I just grew a pair, went over to his dorm, and apologized.

So, the next day, I started out for Niall and Tyler's dorm, enjoying the cool November wind that blew on my face. I was just pulling open the door to the building when my cell phone rang. I groaned. It was my parents. "Hello?"

"Hero?"

"Yeah?"

"Hero, it's your mother."

"Yeah, I know. Wait, Mom, isn't it like six o'clock in the morning where you are?" I asked.

"I had to get up and teach an early class. But that's not the reason why I called."

"Okay, then why'd you call?" I began to get a bad feeling in my stomach.

"To check on you. How are things?"

"Things are fine."

"Do you still have that tutor of yours?" Crap. I'd been wondering when that word was going to sift its way into the conversation. I debated whether or not my mom would fall for the going-through-a-tunnel-we're-breaking-up-call-you-later act, but then decided against it. Avery had tried it many times with no luck. My parents were too clever for those types of excuses.

Nope, I just had to suck it up and hope that because she was an ocean away her words wouldn't sting too much. "Yes."

Silence. "Excuse me?"

"I said yes, Mother." Here it comes in three . . . two . . . one . . .

"If you're joking with me, Hero Bronwyn, I suggest you stop now."

"Mom, I -"

"I thought we agreed that this is unacceptable. I thought we told you that this was not going to fly by us."

"You did -"

"Do you think it's funny that you have to be tutored? Well, it's not. It's embarrassing for your father and I to talk about. You're bringing shame to us, Hero. Do you hear me? Shame."

"Mom, seriously -"

"What's going on?" I heard my dad's voice in the background. Awesome.

My mom hissed, "It seems Hero's issue has not been resolved yet."

"What issue?"

"Her tutor issue."

"You still have a tutor? I thought we agreed that this was not okay." Now my dad sounded angry. I tried to explain, but they went off on their own rant, oblivious to my side of the story.

"You're turning into Avery -"

"You're lucky we don't take a plane over there and come get you right now -"

"Do you like being considered stupid? Do you feel proud of yourself?"

"Are people pressuring you? Is it that Maggie girl?"

"If you want to amount to anything in life, Hero, you'll understand why this needs to be changed."

"Honestly, we expected more of you."

"You'd better not be going to any parties on weeknights, Hero," my mom put in. "And if I hear somehow that you're drinking, oh you are going to regret it big time, missy."

"There better not be any boys in the picture, either, until your grade gets up," my dad agreed. "Your studies come first. We tolerated the occasional boyfriend in high school, but in college it just gets you into a load of trouble."

"Look where that got Avery! She ignored her work and now she's twenty-one and she's raising a baby nearly all by herself! Do you want that to happen to you?" my mom demanded. My blood began to boil at their words. Avery was a real pain in the ass, but nobody was allowed to insult my sister. And don't even think about starting in on Mason.

"Would you just listen?" I shouted finally, frustrated and angry. A couple of guys passing by turned and looked at me, but I ignored them. "All you ever do is bitch at me without even bothering to hear me!"

"No, it's time for you to listen," my dad snapped. "I don't know what the hell has gotten into you, Hero, but you'd better snap out of it. This laziness needs to stop and your grade needs to go up or the consequences are going to be severe."

"And if you think that just because you're across the ocean we have no control over you, well, think again," my mom added. They were at it again, snarling at me like a pack of wild animals. "We can easily call over to your school and demand that you get put in that Private Study Package."

My college had the option of a Private Study Package, which basically included a dorm further on campus that only had single rooms, more study time, harder classes, and courses at night that prevented you from going off to frat parties, etc. My parents had been all gung-ho for it. It'd taken me weeks to convince them not to sign me up for it. Thankfully, luck was in my favor and I got Maggie as a roommate, someone who was as smart as me and who satisfied my parents for now.

"Are you kidding me?" I stopped in front of Niall and Tyler's room.

"No, we aren't. Honestly, Hero, is this some type of game to you? Because you don't seem to be taking in what we're saying."

I could feel this awful clenching in my stomach, but I willed it to go away. All I knew was that I had to get off of this phone and end this awful conversation before my mom and dad disowned me.

"I have to go now."

"Oh," my mom laughed nastily. "I suppose you're heading to your tutor's now, are you? In fact, I bet he's your boyfriend! That's why you can't get rid of him!"

"Shut up! Shut! Up!"

"You watch your mouth," my dad warned. "You're skating on thin ice here, Hero." To my mother, thank God, he said, "Grace, that's enough."

"December. You have until December to get rid of it," my mom hissed, like Niall was some type of STD. "And if you don't, and I hear about it, oh ho ho, you are going to be in some serious trouble."

"Mom -"

"That's final, Hero," my dad said firmly. "Have a good day." And then they hung up.

Have a good day? That was like saying to someone, Your grandma just got hit by a car. Enjoy your dinner! Suddenly, I fully realized that I was standing in front of Niall and Tyler's door. What if they'd heard? Then they'd know everything.

I forced myself to think positive, struggling to ignore the sick, shaky feeling that was washing over me. I bit down hard on my lip before turning and raising my fist to Niall and Tyler's door. I'd only knocked once when it opened and I came face-to-face with Niall himself. His expression confirmed my worst fears.

"Hero . . ."

"You heard everything, didn't you?" I asked hoarsely.

Very slowly, he nodded. I swallowed hard, pushing back the enourmous lump in my throat. "Where's Tyler?" I wanted Tyler. I wanted him to hug me and tell me that it was okay, that I was better than them.

"Class." A small part of me did feel relieved, however. At least he didn't have to hear any of that.

Niall silently stepped aside, allowing me into his room. I sat down on his bed and covered my face with my hands, taking a few deep breaths. Don't cry. Don't cry. You can't let him see you cry.

The end of the bed sagged, a sign that he'd sat down next to me. "Hero . . ."

I turned away. "Don't touch me."

"Come on, Hero. You need a friend right now."

"Niall."

"Hero." He obviously wasn't going to give up, so I reluctantly inched over and let out shoulders touch. "You can cry, if you want."

"I'm not going to cry." And I really wasn't. I just felt like I'd just had a near-death experience; my insides were shaky and my heart was beating far too fast for the rest of my body to keep up. "I'm fine."

"You're shaking."

"I know."

"I think you're having a panic attack," he said slowly, sounding a little concerned. "Would you agree?"

"Yes," I said a little louder. "Yes, I would agree." It was weird how Niall could tell that I was having a panic attack, because panic attacks usually involved tears and snot and all sorts of general anguish. But whenever I had a panic attack, I was cool as a cucumber. I would speak normally and there would be no tears on the outside, but on the inside my heart rate would speed up and I would be jittery and my mind shut down and everything else would just go into overdrive. Not exactly normal. My mom always said that I never was a crier, so why would panic attacks be any different? I did my own thing.

In fact, the last time I cried was in the tenth grade when I broke my ankle. I'd been at the park with two friends of mine and I'd been dared to climb one of the tallest trees there. Of course, I never backed down from dares/challenges and everyone knew it, so pretty soon I'd successfully scaled the tree. Coming down, I slipped on one of the icy branches (since it had been winter), fell down from the tree, and landed hard on my ankle. That pain had been excruciating.

"Okay then," Niall said now. He put his arm around me very slowly and gently, like I was a rabid animal who might bite him any second. "Can you do something for me?"

"What?"

"Can you breathe for me?"

"I think I'm breathing right now. Yes, I am breathing."

"I know you are. But can you breathe with me? Inhale . . . exhale . . . inhale . . . exhale . . . okay, you're not doing it. Hero . . . Hero, can you please look at me?"

"No I don't think I can."

Gently, Niall put a hand on the side of my face and turned my head so we were looking at each other. "Breathe, Hero. It's okay." I'd never seen him so serious before; he looked like someone had kicked his grandma. And surprisingly, that was what got me to breathe.

"Now tell me what's wrong," Niall ordered.

"I can't do this anymore," I said automatically. "I can't think I can't breathe I can't do anything right now and oh my God I just want it all to stop and I want them to leave me alone."

"Them? Who is them?"

"My mom and my dad."

"Is that who you were talking to?"

"Yes." My breathing hitched a little bit and Niall rubbed my back.

"Easy there. Easy. Umm . . ." Niall chewed his lip as he searched for something else to talk about. "What's your favorite color?"

"Blue."

"Hey, mine too. What's your favorite food?"

"Doritos."

"Nice. Okay . . . what's your favorite subject?"

"Math." This went on for about twenty five minutes. Occasionally I would shake a little or start going on again and then Niall would say, "Easy, easy, easy," until I would stop.

Finally, he asked, "You feeling better?"

I nodded after a second. "Yeah." My heart had definitely slowed down to normal pace and everything no longer felt like a broken machine again. "I think so."

"Jesus, Hero, you scared the absolute shit out of me." He did look very worried.

I shrugged. "Sorry." I was quiet for a second before I said, "Can I ask you something?"

"Go ahead."

"How did you know I was having a . . . you know."

"A panic attack?" I nodded, and he shrugged. "I don't know. I could just tell. Plus, if you were normal, you would've been insulting me like you usually do." I smiled a little as he continued. "It was just kind of in your eyes. I don't know."

"Well . . . thanks." He didn't answer so I added, "I'm being serious."

"Okay."

We appeared to be getting along, so I decided to continue. "And . . . um . . . I'm sorry for those things that I said a few days ago. That was pretty bitchy of me. I just . . . don't like being beaten."

He smiled a little. "Yeah, I got that. And I'm sorry too. We were both douchebags that day, eh?"

I nodded. We sat there in silence for a while before he cleared his throat and said, "So . . ."

"Did you do that homework yet?" I asked randomly.

"No. You?"

"No. I didn't really get it."

"Oh. Well, you want some help? We could take a look at it together." Niall looked at me cautiously.

"I -" I started to say that I would rather do it alone, but stopped. He was watching me, waiting to see what I'd do. I thought of him hearing my fight with my parents and not saying anything, of putting his arm around me, and getting me to breathe with him. And then I realized that suddenly, I didn't really hate him anymore.

"Okay. Let's do it," I said. He looked pleasantly surprised, but said nothing. I sat down on the floor, my back against his bed, and he slid down next to me, pulling the textbooks into his lap. We sat there together, doing the homework, talking and joking occasionally, and for once there was no biting or snarling.

After we finished, I got up and walked to the door. "Thanks, Niall," I said. "For . . . you know."

"No problem. I am your tutor, after all." He grinned at me and held out his fist. I bumped it and turned to walk away. "Take it easy, Bronwyn," he called after me, and I swear after that something changed between us.