Hazy Days

I've been sitting on this couch for thirteen hours and only get up to use the bathroom. Scout peed on the floor because I haven't taken him out and Joel gets mad at me. He yanks my hair so hard that would ordinarily cause me to cry, but I keep smoking and keep my eyes glued to one of those stupid made for tv movies.

"You all right?" he asks, sitting next to me and lighting his own cigarette. I don't respond. He shrugs and gets up. A second later he comes back with a beer and changes the channel.

"I was watching that," I find myself saying. I don't know why I said that. I wasn't watching that. Do I want to pick a fight with him?

"What?" the beer was halfway to his mouth, but he freezes to stare at me.

"Nothing," I mutter.

"No, really. If I'm not mistaken, you were watching something? And I so rudely turned it off," he flips the channel back to the stupid movie and tosses the remote on my lap. "Well I am so sorry, Victoria. The next time you're staring brain-dead at the wall, I'll remember to ask if you were watching," he looks back at the television, which has turned to a commercial, "something about male enhancements." I know I should just shut up, but it's like that part of my brain has just switched off.

"Stop. Please, just stop." I look at him, really look at him for the first time in a while. Dark eyes, the dark blue eyes I loved from the start, just look cold and icy now. His face was always gaunt, but his features look even more pronounced now, especially against the stubble of his beard. He just looks so... sick. I don't even want to know what I look like to him.

"What's your problem?" he asks with a grimace.

"You are, Joel," for someone on the brink of dehydration, you wouldn't think I would be able to cry this much. But I do, and the waterworks start up again. "I love you so much and you treat me like shit. And do you know how scary it is when you're gone for days at a time? Do you know what runs through my mind? I don't know if you're ever coming back, or if someone's going to find your body in a ditch, or..." my throat is dry and my words get stuck. "And I don't even know what I do, but all you do is hurt me. You make fun of me and make me feel like garbage and I don't know why." Now I'm full out sobbing and so mad at myself for losing it in front of him. But he moves over and I can see even his eyes are shiny with tears. He holds me close and I start hiccuping into his shirt. He rubs my back.

"I'm sorry," he whispers quietly. "I'm sorry, Victoria." Even softer, he whispers, "I don't deserve you." We hold each other like that for a long time.