Of Our Souls

Everyone had gotten two free days to catch our breaths before we would have to continue on playing at Warped. This free time that all of us received was just what I needed, because I was exceptionally exhausted. My band mates were too, but not the same way as I was. They were tired physically, thus I was tired both physically and emotionally. Every show and signing took a tool on me, because when I played a set, I gave my all and then when I was sitting at signing, I had kids come up to me and tell me that our music saved their lives, or that they wanted to be just like me. They would tell me that they want to be as strong as I am, because I was dealing so well with all the hate that I was receiving. I’d hear various stories about their lives and every time I wanted to tell each and every one of them that I was no role model and that they barely knew about my life. I was so afraid that they’d hate me if they knew the truth.

I was sitting on the hotel bed in front of my laptop and watching the screen where my aunt’s and grandma’s faces were. The familiar looks of disappointment were shot through the screen as they continued on rambling about my choices in life. I hadn’t even opened my mouth in the whole fifteen minutes that I had been listening to them talk, because there were no pauses in their speech. They were both throwing accusations at me and telling me, like they always did, that I need to get back home. From their point of view, I was still a kid and I couldn’t make decisions for myself. Even though I was 21, in their eyes I was going to be a child and this whole “music-thing” was going to blow up in my face after the summer and I won’t have a job or money after that.

Throughout all the time they kept screaming at me, the fury inside me rose. I was becoming a ticking bomb and it was only a matter of minutes before I blew up and said something that I shouldn’t. For a long time I tried to use my mother’s advice to just ignore and not hear what they say, but it was becoming too hard for me. I wanted them to appreciate what I was doing and see that I was doing this for my parent’s. Sadly, they were too blind…

“That’s it, Greta! You are coming back home!” And that’s all it took for me too look at the screen in the deadliest glare I could muster. I knew that they weren’t going to hear what I was about to scream, but I hardly cared. I needed to vent somehow.

“Now, you will listen to me.” I seethed angrily as I leaned a bit closer to my laptop. My eyes were blazing with fury as my aunt and grandma shut up immediately. “I will not go back home. I am home and if you can’t see that then it’s not my problem.” My aunt opened her mouth to say something, but I interrupted her with my rant. “I don’t give a shit about your wishes or what you think about this. I am doing this for myself and my parents. If you won’t appreciate it then I don’t want you in my life. And you know very well that I will never listen to you. Why are you still trying?” I glared at them through the screen. My knuckles were white from clutching the bed sheet and my heart was pounding hard in my chest.

“Greta, don’t you dare to talk to us like that.” My aunt exclaimed and I threw back my head so that I could let out a sarcastic laugh out of my mouth.

“Or else what? You’ll ramble me to death?” I asked angrily, daring my aunt to continue on talking, but then I decided that I had enough of the whole conversation.

“You know what? Don’t bother answering that. Actually, don’t bother talking to me or communicating with me at all. I am done trying to prove something to you of all people. Have a nice life.” And I slammed my laptop shut with such force, I was sure that it was broke. Then I grabbed a little box where I held my rolled up cigarettes and lighter. Then I stuffed my phone and room key into my hoodie pocket and walked out of my room. The guys looked up at me from the couch and I noticed that we had some visitors. The guys from Sleeping With Sirens and Of Mice & Men were here and they had probably heard me screaming in the other room. The only good thing is that they didn’t understand anything.

“I’m going out.” I announced briefly, catching Austin’s gaze in the process. For a moment I held his gaze, but then I dropped it and looked at my band mates who had concern written on their faces. They were the only ones that understood what I was screaming and later, I was going to have to tell them everything that happened.

“You want to go with us or do you want to go alone?” Kellin asked and I ran my hand through my hair. After uneventful conversations like this, I always talked with Paul about it, or sometimes Adam. They were the ones that could calm me down properly. The few times that Gabriel, Henry or Harold had to calm me down, I ended up getting more furious than before and I even started throwing things around.

“I’m just going for a smoke. I’ll be back in a few.” That was a lie and most of them knew it, but I think they understood that I wanted to be alone right now. I doubted that Paul or Adam could calm me down. I mean, there is a certain number of the same bullshit that you can tolerate to hear. When it surpasses it, you just burst and you’re so angry, you want to run to the end of the galaxy.

“Hey, maybe we can go to the market to get that junk food you guys wanted?” Austin suddenly speaking and I feel myself getting afraid. I want to scream at him to let me be alone, but at the same time I realize that maybe I want him to talk to me. Maybe I want to tell him what happened just mere minutes ago.

“That’s a great idea. Then we could watch those movies and play x-box.” As I speak, I notice Paul furrow his brows in disagreement, but he sees me throw a look in his direction and he looks away. He’s clearly pissed that I’m choosing Austin over him or the rest of the guys, but I don’t care at that moment. All I want is to smoke and talk about pointless things.

Before I know it, I have my backpack with my wallet and Austin beside me as we’re walking out of the hotel. We’re silent and I’m thankful for these few moments that let me calm my raging anger. I stop in the smoking zone and Austin turns to look at me. His eyes are holding so many questions and I suddenly feel very afraid that he’ll ask all of them.

“Do you want to get coffee before we go to the supermarket?” I watch Austin surprised at his proposal as he grins at me. Somewhere deep down, all I want to do is hug him for not asking questions and for him to hold me and tell me that what I’m doing isn’t pointless, but I stop myself at that thought as I put a rolled up cigarette in my mouth.

“I’d love that.” And I smile at him before I light up my cigarette.