Rosie

I got the job. They finally called the day after July fourth and I answered in my half hung over state, nearly dropping the phone when they told me the good news. I was never very ecstatic about many things but I was genuinely thrilled when I heard this; things were beginning to finally go in my favor and I was getting my life back on track. I wouldn’t have to worry about Dawn kicking me out and getting a new roommate anymore. This job was the answer to so many of my problems and I knew I couldn’t mess it up. That was the last thing I needed.

I was a few days into training, learning the ropes and basics of working at Barnes and Noble. There was a Starbucks conveniently located in the store, and while I wasn’t a coffee drinker I did, however, love their chai tea. I didn’t even care that it was scorching hot outside; that drink was far too good to pass up and I fell in love with it ever since my coworker, Annie, recommended it to me. I spent my lunch breaks there or whenever I wasn’t working my ass off. The store was huge and always needed restocking of some sort, or a customer would want assistance in looking for something. I didn’t have much trouble adapting to my new place of work; I tried to be as friendly as possible without wanting to shoot myself out of sheer principle. I thought I was doing a pretty good job thus far, I only hoped my evaluation at the end of the month would agree with me.

I was in the Mystery section, restocking the books and making sure they were in the proper order, when I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I glanced around to make sure no one else was there before checking to see who’d texted me:

I’m sitting in Starbucks, up for some lunch?

Dawn. I answered by telling her I’d be there in a minute, quickly finishing up before hurrying down the staircase, making my way over to the corner of the store that held Starbucks. She was sitting at a two person table with her coffee, drumming her fingers on the tabletop and looking out the window. Her hair was done in curls and I briefly wondered if Zacky was taking her out later on. I was even more curious as to why she looked so damn nervous.

She looked up as I approached her table, kicking my chair out to me with the heel of her sandal.

Hesitantly, I sat down and examined her more closely. She’d been biting her nails again, confirming my suspicions about her being nervous about something.

‘’How’s work going?’’ she asked as calmly as possible, playing with the lid on her coffee and avoiding eye contact. She knew I could read her like a book and I’d be able to tell everything from the expression in her eyes.

‘’Fine, a bit boring but I can’t really complain,’’ I replied with a shrug, fiddling with the lanyard around my neck that said I was an employee, ‘’am I actually here to eat lunch with you?’’

She put her hands in her lap, her thumbs twiddling nervously and her bottom lip between the tips of her teeth. ‘’Not really, I’m not very hungry right now.’’

I was beginning to get worried. ‘’Are you okay?’’ I asked, already knowing that the answer was a big fat ‘no’.

She glanced at me briefly before letting out a sigh. ‘’He’s taking me out again tonight.’’

‘’I figured as much,’’ I admitted, ‘’but why are you nervous about it? You two have been getting on great, not to mention he is your boyfriend now and he’s taken you out plenty of times before.’’ When she didn’t respond the answer hit me like a Mack truck. ‘’Oh shit, it’s happening tonight, isn’t it?’’

She nodded, her eyes slightly wide. ‘’He didn’t exactly say it but he mentioned something about going back to his apartment afterwards, so what else could that mean? We haven’t even discussed the issue of sex but I’m pretty damn sure he wants to do it.’’ She sighed and took a long drink from her coffee before continuing. ‘’Fuck, I can’t even remember the last time I had sex. I don’t even know if I’m ready for it with him yet. I mean, I’m starting to like him a lot but you know how I am when it comes to…intercourse.’’

I nodded in understanding. ‘’Well if you’re not ready for it then tell him, it’s as simple as that.’’

She rolled her eyes. ‘’It’s not that easy. What if things get awkward between us?’’

‘’If he actually likes you and wants you as more than a fuck then he should respect you,’’ I responded, wondering when I’d become the advice giver. Usually that was Dawn’s job but I could see she needed my help. ‘’He might not even be bringing you back to his place for that, it could be something else entirely.’’

‘’Such as?’’

‘’I don’t know, maybe you’ll watch a movie or he’ll show you his secret stamp collection. I’m not Zacky so I have no idea what he has planned, you’ll just have to not think about it and find out when you go.’’

She raised an eyebrow. ‘’He has a secret stamp collection?’’

‘’Probably not, I’m just trying to get you to calm your tits,’’ I laughed, ‘’seriously, you’ll be fine.’’

She gave me a highly doubtful look but didn’t fight me on the topic anymore. ‘’You’re coming to the bar afterwards, right?’’

‘’Of course,’’ I smirked. It was a Saturday and I had Sundays off, meaning I could get drunk without having to worry about fighting off a hangover during work. It was one of the few things I looked forward to.

When she was leaving to return to her job a bit later I called her back over, feeling that I should remind her of something.

‘’What is it?’’ she asked

‘’Before you go out later you should probably look in a mirror.’’

Her brows furrowed. ‘’Why is that?’’

‘’You only put make up on one eye,’’ I grinned, heading over to the counter to grab a cup of chai heaven.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘’What exactly do I get if I do it?’’ I slurred, leaning forward a bit in my seat.

‘’Fifteen bucks and I’ll buy you a drink,’’ Johnny replied, one arm around Brian’s shoulders and a beer in his free hand. I looked to the chocolate-eyed man beside him who didn’t seem discouraged by this deal in the slightest. We’d gotten rather bored at the bar and were trying to think of things to do, seeing as Dawn and Zacky had already left, Matt and Val had disappeared for a bit and Jimmy was in the bathroom. This left me with Johnny and Brian to desperately try and entertain ourselves. I was pretty damn drunk at this point and nowhere near stopping, my judgment clouded and incomprehensible.

‘’Why are we doing this?’’ Brian asked aloud, not in a way of protest but out of real curiosity.

‘’Because we’re really fucking bored, that’s why,’’ I stated matter-of-factly, giggling and leaning further over the table, ‘’now shut up.’’ He didn’t seem to care very much so he replied with a shrug, a smirk appearing across his lips when I pulled him to me by his shirt, my mouth colliding with his in a drunken, sloppy kiss.

I was literally so bored that I thought kissing Brian would be a fun idea. The kiss itself lasted for about ten seconds and I was sure he tasted of alcohol, but since we were drinking the same thing I couldn’t tell any difference. I let go of his shirt and plopped back in my chair, wiping my mouth and extending my hand to Johnny.

‘’Pay up, Johnny boy.’’

He looked a little shocked that I actually kissed Brian but handed me the money anyway. I wasn’t sure if I’d even remember the kiss when I woke up but it quite literally didn’t mean anything to me. I got fifteen bucks and a free drink out of it, so who could complain?

I pocketed the money and told Johnny to get me a Jack and Coke, kicking my feet up on his chair when he left. Brian finished off his beer and put the empty bottle with the rest of ours in the center of the table. He didn’t even seem flustered about the kiss, which I took as a good sign. It seemed he and I were on the same page with it; people get drunk and they kiss other people, not a big deal.

Johnny came back a minute later with my drink, Jimmy not far behind him.

‘’I don’t think I’ve ever had to pee so fucking much in my whole life,’’ he announced, stumbling into his chair. I sipped at my drink, nearly spitting it out when Brian jumped out of his seat, sending the bottles flying off the table.

‘’Jimmy, we need Absinthe,’’ he said as seriously as possible, holding himself upright on the tabletop. Johnny lifted up his beer in agreement and Jimmy took off towards the bar, attempting a somersault and failing.

I knew exactly what Absinthe was. I’d never had it and I wasn’t even sure if Johnny’s Bar served it. That was some pretty powerful shit to take but I was up for a good time, not even thinking of the consequences or the murderous hangover I’d be getting in the morning. If I was going to have fun I might as well go all out.

Jimmy came back with four small glasses, handing each of us one. I didn’t know how he acquired the Absinthe; I examined mine carefully, letting out a small hiccup.

We clinked our glasses together before I said, ‘’to good health.’’ The irony was that this wasn’t in good health; this was going to make me extremely fucked up, but it was too late. The second the liquid hit my throat I thought my brain had been set on fire. My nerves felt like they were high and my eyes could’ve easily exploded. Any previous thoughts or worries fled from my mind, for the Absinthe had taken over and it’d sent my existence to its knees. Self control was foreign, but the feeling was all too familiar…I was gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dawn’s Point of View

He’d taken me to a small rock show near Long Beach. It was more of an underground show; there were about five different bands that played a mixture of punk and metalcore music. I had an awesome time, although I did get sucked into a mosh pit and Zacky had to dive in to save me. I’d gotten punched quite a few times and after that he practically glued me to his hip, wary of another mishap. Over the past month I had begun to realize the extent of his protectiveness over me. Rosie and I were pretty opposite on this subject; she didn’t like it when guys tried to protect or fuss over her, but I kind of liked it. It made me feel wanted and safe, and with Zacky I definitely felt it. I was beginning to trust him.

For awhile I’d forgotten about my previous worries, any skepticism about what would occur at his apartment absent from my mind. I’d been there a few times before but never after a date. It was only during the ride to his place that I was reminded of our destination, my nerves going into a frenzy and threatening to leave my body altogether. Nervous didn’t even begin to explain how I felt. I tried my best not to let Zacky see it, flashing him a small smile when he glanced over at me and blushing when he took my hand, his thumb rubbing small circles on the top of it. It instantly calmed me and I relaxed into the seat, letting out a sigh.

We made small talk all the way to his place, discussing the show and how much of a dork he was, seeing as he’d nearly screamed like a fan girl when one of the guitarists gave him their guitar pick. You’d think Zacky wouldn’t be the fan girl type but then you’d be wrong.

‘’I am not a loser.’’

‘’But see, you are.’’

He stuck his tongue out at me. ‘’You like me so that automatically makes you a loser too.’’

‘’Oh, don’t you drag me into this,’’ I threatened, poking his cheek.

He smirked, trying to keep his eyes on the road. ‘’Too late, you involved yourself with me so you’ll have to deal with my being a loser.’’

‘’I don’t have to deal with it,’’ I mumbled.

He interlaced our fingers. ‘’Do you want to?’’

I nodded. ‘’You can be my loser,’’ I replied quietly, gently squeezing his warm hand in reassurance and returning his smile.

A bit later on and we were in his apartment. It was small, meant for only one person but he seemed to like it just fine. It was cozy and slightly messy; I couldn’t complain since my room was practically a bomb site. He turned on a fan when we walked in to make it feel less like a sauna, closing the door and asking if I wanted anything to drink.

‘’Anything’s fine, what’ve you got?’’ I asked, smoothing out my skirt. He rummaged around in the fridge.

‘’Water, milk and beer,’’ he called out.

‘’Beer’s fine,’’ I answered, accepting the bottle after he popped it open and clinking it against his with a smile, following him into the living room.

I sat down on the couch, taking a sip of my beer and watching as he went into his room. ‘’Stay there, I’ll be right back.’’

I quickly got up once he closed the door, putting the beer down and checking my reflection in a small mirror that hung on the wall. I brushed my fingers through my hair and wiped away a smudge of eyeliner, letting out a long sigh and fixing my shirt.

He came back out of the room and I turned around, looking at the acoustic guitar that he’d brought with him.

‘’So we’ve been writing stuff in the studio and I kind of wanted an outside opinion on one of them,’’ he said, perching on the edge of the coffee table. I hesitated before going back to the couch, sitting myself in front of him. ‘’I’ll be honest, it isn’t romantic at all but I wanna share it with you,’’ he said sheepishly, nibbling on his bottom lip and peering up at me with those clear green eyes.

I nodded wordlessly. He quickly checked the tuning on the guitar before strumming it slowly, flashing me a small smile before taking a deep breath. ‘’Cry alone, I’ve gone away, no more nights, no more pain.’’ His voice was soft and filled with emotion, and he had my attention held in an iron grasp. ‘’I’ve gone alone, took all my strength, but I’ve made the change, I won’t see you tonight.’’

At the chorus his voice became louder, his guitar being strum harder now. ‘’Sorrow sank deep inside my blood, all the ones around me, I cared for and loved.’’

He went quiet again. ‘’Building up, inside of me, a place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free, don’t mourn for me, you’re not the one to place the blame, as bottles call my name, I won’t see you tonight.’’

Louder now. ‘’Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood, all the ones around me, I cared for and most of all I loved, but I can’t see myself that way, please don’t forget me or cry while I’m away.’’

It was perhaps the most emotional, powerful, beautiful song I’d ever heard. By the end of it I nearly had tears in my eyes and my hands were shaking. He put the guitar down once he was done. ‘’It’s supposed to be done on piano with electric guitars but I figured it’d be easier to show you with acoustic,’’ he explained, his cheeks a bit pink with embarrassment.

‘’If you don’t put that song on the record I will set fire to the studio, I mean it,’’ I told him, half laughing. ‘’That was amazing. Where did you guys come up with something so…heart wrenching? ‘’

He sat down next to me, putting an arm around my shoulders and playing with my hair. ‘’About a year ago one of our old bassists, Justin Sane, was going to kill himself with cough syrup. He was suffering from Bipolar Disorder and was in a mental hospital awhile beforehand, he couldn’t handle life itself. Matt had walked in just before he was about to do it and stopped him, got him the proper help he needed. He couldn’t be in the band anymore.’’ I leaned into him and closed my eyes, reaching up and holding the hand that was playing with my hair. ‘’There are two parts to the song. The first part is from the person who’s killing themselves’ point of view, the second is from the friend, the onlooker and how they feel betrayed. Matt told me he still thinks about it every once in awhile, how unstable and desperate Justin was and how he wishes we could’ve prevented him from getting to that point.’’ Zacky let out a sigh. ‘’I can’t even imagine wanting to take my own life.’’

I looked up at him and placed a kiss on his cheek. ‘’I know how Matt feels,’’ I said quietly.

He looked at me, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. ‘’Was it…?’’

‘’Rosie? Yeah,’’ I sighed shakily, looking away. ‘’I don’t think she even meant to do it, she was pretty out of her mind…but always did have a knack for self destruction.’’

He nodded in understanding. ‘’Can I ask what happened?’’

I shook my head. ‘’I don’t think it’s my place to tell. You could always ask her but I can’t guarantee she won’t hurt you. She’s a pretty private person, it’s not likely she’ll tell anyone.’’

He enveloped me in a tight hug and I wrapped my arms around his middle, almost afraid to let go. We sat like this for awhile but I didn’t mind at all.

‘’I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you upset,’’ he finally said, mumbling next to my ear.

I shook my head, sitting back to place a soft kiss on his lips. ‘’I’m fine,’’ I said with a reassuring smile, ‘’I think the song is beautiful and a lot of people can relate to it.’’

‘’Thank you,’’ he said quietly before pulling me back in for another kiss, our lips dancing together in a moment of slight passion. For a split second I thought he was going to try and push for more but was pleasantly surprised when he didn’t, asking what movie I felt like watching after he pulled away.

I must’ve seemed silly, being twenty-one and practically afraid of sex altogether, but now…I actually felt a bit more ready.