Rosie

The studio door slammed against the wall, all activity ceasing and several pairs of startled eyes turning to me upon my arrival. My entrance was less than subtle, but then again subtlety was never my forte when I was upset about something, especially when it came to the people I cared about. I’d waited until the rain let up a bit before hauling ass over to the studio, fully intent on giving Matt a piece of my mind. This might’ve seemed like the stupidest thing I could possibly do, given the fact that Matt was pretty much a brick wall and could snap me like a twig. Lucky for me I also knew that Matt was a nice guy, strangely resembling a teddy bear when it came to his nature. I wasn’t going to rip him a new asshole but I did feel the need to talk some sense into him for the sake of Val.

I was greeted with ‘’’Sup, Ross?’’, ‘’what are you doing here?’’ and ‘’who the hell are you?’’ from the guys and their producing team. Mudrock, whom I met during my last visit to the studio, looked less than pleased at the interruption, his arms folded over his chest and his mouth set in a thin line. I waved everyone off and avoided the eyes of Jimmy, who looked anxious to talk to me about something. Instead I made a beeline toward Brian, who was pouring himself a cup of coffee in the corner, looking half hung-over.

‘’Where’s Matt?’’ I asked him as politely as possible. He pointed to the recording booth and I muttered a ‘’thanks’’, going over to said booth and looking through the glass to find Matt with a look of confusion on his face. He was saying things but I couldn’t hear any of them. I pressed a button next to the microphone that allowed studio members to converse with people in the recording booth.

I impatiently spoke into the microphone. ‘’I need to talk to you.’’

‘’Can’t it wait? We’re in the middle of recording and you’re being-‘’

‘’I’m being what, rude? A disruptive bitch? That may be so, but just let me talk to you for a few minutes, alright?’’ I asked, ignoring the numerous eyes that were upon me. Matt was hesitant for a moment but agreed, getting out of the booth and walking with me to a lounge area that was through another door, both of us plopping onto an overstuffed sofa. The walls were covered with signed records that sat behind glass cases along with guitars of many designs. Along one wall sat a buffet table with food and drink to sustain the masses.

‘’Do you want anything?’’ Matt asked, motioning to the table. I shook my head.

‘’I’m good. Can I smoke in here?’’ I questioned, settling back against the couch cushions.

‘’Nah, you can only do that outside.’’

‘’Oh, ok.’’ I’d save it for afterwards.

‘’So tell me, what was so important that you needed to talk to me about?’’ he wondered, looking at me with anticipation.

I sat up a bit and took a deep breath, happy I was a bit calmer at that moment. I probably would’ve said some stuff that I’d later regret. ‘’What’s going on with you and Val? I’m not trying to be an intrusive person here but she came over this afternoon really upset after telling you her feelings. She thinks she’s ruined everything between you two because you sort of just left without saying anything in response.’’

Matt’s face visibly paled a little and he let out a heavy sigh, rubbing his face with the palms of his hands. ‘’Shit. She told you about us?’’

‘’Of course she told me about you guys, Dawn’s aware of the situation too. We’re females; we talk about shit like this all the time. And even though you don’t want everyone else knowing about you and Val I’m about ninety-nine percent sure they already know. The two of you aren’t exactly discrete,’’ I replied, rolling my eyes, ‘’that’s not the point though. The point is that your friend with benefits is very confused and scared to lose you. So unless you clarify a few things we’re going to have a problem, I won’t let you fuck around with her emotions.’’

He fiddled around uncomfortably in his seat. ‘’What exactly do you want me to clarify?’’

‘’What you want with Valery and if you intend on taking your relationship further,’’ I replied sternly. I felt very much like an overprotective mother.

‘’I…I don’t exactly know yet,’’ he said, scratching the back of his neck, ‘’I mean, this whole friends with benefits thing has been great and I was kind of hoping it could just stay that way. Even being just friends with her is more than fine; I care about her a lot. But anything more than that…I just don’t know. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve thought about it a lot. There was even a point in time where I was very close to considering making us exclusive. What do you think Warmness on the Soul was about? And then I realized the weight of the leap I was about to take. Committing myself to a person who I’d been so close to for most of my life, yet never saw them as more than a friend, it terrified me. So I stuck with being friends who casually had sex sometimes. It was the safer route but I thought I did the right thing.’’

The silence in the room was filled by the background laughter of the guys from the other room, probably laughing at some joke. ‘’Well, knowing what you know now, do you think you’ll give it a shot?’’ I asked

He shrugged. ‘’I don’t know, maybe.’’

‘’Promise me you’ll at least discuss it with her when you get home? You shouldn’t leave her hanging like that.’’

Matt nodded. ‘’I promise.’’

Happy that the discussion had gone over well, we left the room, Matt going back to the recording booth and apologizing to the producers while I headed outside for a smoke. Despite my efforts to slip away without anyone noticing, Jimmy caught up with me.

‘’Hi,’’ he said cheerily, leaning against the building.

‘’Hi,’’ I muttered back, trying to light the cigarette between my lips. After what’d happened earlier in the day I wasn’t too keen on being around him. It wasn’t exactly his fault that I’d had a near panic attack or that I thought I felt some vaguely familiar emotion that I loathed. However, for the sake of my sanity, I didn’t want to experience that again.

Jimmy lit up a cigarette of his own, blowing the smoke out of the side of his mouth. I busied myself with texting Dawn, letting her know how the talk with Matt had gone and finding out that Val had gone back home to the basement apartment at her parent’s house. She asked when I was getting home and I told her I’d be leaving soon, probably stopping for a smoothie or something along the way.

I was so preoccupied with our conversation that it took me a moment to realize Jimmy had gone back inside the studio. I had thought perhaps he wanted to talk to me but then changed his mind at last minute, which surprised me a little, seeing as he usually always spoke his mind. Shrugging, I finished up my cigarette and flicked it away, heading towards my car with the prospect of delicious smoothies on my mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘’Honey, I’m home!’’ I chimed upon entering the apartment, closing the door and kicking off my shoes. I sipped at my smoothie and handed Dawn’s to her when she came skipping into the living room.

‘’Aw, you bought me a smoothie! Thanks honey,’’ she grinned, kissing my cheek quickly and darting back into her room. I frowned.

‘’Is that why you love me, because I buy you smoothies?!’’ I called out, half-laughing.

‘’Maybe,’’ she smirked, poking her head out of her room. ‘’I got called into work at last minute so an ‘I love you’ smoothie is much appreciated,’’ she said offhandedly, buttoning up her black bartending shirt.

‘’Well now I’m sad, I was hoping we could go out and do something tonight,’’ I pouted, plopping onto the couch in a heap.

‘’What, you wanted to wreak havoc or something?’’ she laughed.

I scoffed. ‘’Like I would ever do anything but wreak havoc.’’

‘’Come with me to work then, you can go wreak havoc over there,’’ she commented, throwing her blonde hair up into a ponytail, ‘’the guys usually head over there after a day in the studio anyway.’’

I mumbled something incoherent to her. She stood in front of me with a raised eyebrow.

‘’I have no idea what you just said, Marble Mouth. Care to repeat that?’’

‘’Not really, it wasn’t important. Anyway, I’m not so sure I feel like drinking after last night. I was beyond fucked up and I still have no idea what I did or who I punched.’’ I pointed to the bruising along my knuckles. ‘’It was probably some dumbass who deserved it.’’

Dawn laughed a bit before grabbing my arm, trying to drag me off the couch. ‘’You don’t have to drink, just order some food or something. I’ll give you a discount. It’ll be nice to have some company at work. Please?’’ she begged.

I succumbed to her pleading and fell on the floor, getting up and brushing myself off. ‘’Fine, as long as we can do something after you get out. What time do they want you there until?’’

‘’Ten.’’

‘’Alright, let me just grab a sweatshirt,’’ I replied, plucking my smoothie off the coffee table and retreating to my bedroom. I had a feeling this was going to be interesting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hung out at Johnny’s Bar for awhile and when Dawn got out of work the guys all wanted to go night swimming at the beach. Admittedly I’d drunk a few beers beforehand, despite the Absinthe incident the previous night. If anything it was to ease the awkward tension between Jimmy and I, which was about as obvious as the black eye Johnny was sporting. At least that mystery was finally figured out.

No one really felt like going home to grab their bathing suits so everyone opted for swimming in their underwear. I personally didn’t have any problem with it; however, Dawn wasn’t too keen on the idea.

‘’You guys go have fun, I think I’ll sit this one out,’’ she said, sitting cross-legged on the beach.

‘’Aw, come on. I mean it’s pretty much like swimming in a bathing suit, I don’t wanna be the only female doing it,’’ I pouted. She shook her head defiantly. ‘’Well fine then, suit yourself,’’ I shrugged. I could swear I heard Zacky sigh in relief.

I pulled off my top and shorts and left them in a heap next to Dawn, making my way towards the water. It was very dark but I was able to see off into the distance fairly well. Way out there were a few boats drifting slowly through the water under the stars, along with the speck of a lighthouse miles away. It was a clear night with few clouds obscuring the dark sky, a crescent moon perched perfectly in view. The tide was low and the water, as black as the sky above it, was just the right temperature. It was cool and provided a nice change from the constant Southern California heat, yet not so cold that I’d jump away from it screaming. Everything, for the moment, was perfect.

I’d waded in about waist deep, the guys either scattered around the beach or not too far away from me in the water, when I felt something brush against my foot.

‘’What the fuck?!’’ I yelped out of shock, hauling ass back to the shore, stumbling and scraping my knee in the process. I didn’t even look back to try and figure out what touched me; I was completely terrified.

I stopped running when I reached Dawn and Zacky, panting and feeling a bit of blood run down my knee. They looked at me like I was bat-shit insane, which I’m sure I was to some degree, but I was positive that I hadn’t imagined this.

‘’What the hell is wrong with you?’’ Dawn laughed.

‘’Something…in the water…touched my foot…’’ I said, trying to breathe like a normal person, ‘’it wasn’t one of the guys, was it?’’

Zack shook his head. ‘’I don’t think so, they weren’t that close to you.’’

Matt and Jimmy came out of the water to see what all the fuss was about.

‘’What’s going on?’’ Jimmy asked, his boxers hanging a bit low around his waist.

I tried very hard to avoid looking there. ‘’There’s something in the water.’’

Matt didn’t look very happy upon hearing this. ‘’What do you mean? Where and what is it?’’

I shrugged. ‘’I have no idea! I’m sure as hell not going back over there to find out,’’ I laughed dryly, folding my arms over my chest.

Brian and Johnny were over to the side, playing with a Frisbee they’d dug up. Jimmy and Matt exchanged looks.

‘’Let’s go investigate and see what’s in the water,’’ Jimmy said, puffing out his chest.

‘’I dunno man, this is the ocean. It could’ve been anything,’’ Matt said unsurely.

‘’You can’t tell me you’re scared? You’re, like, the buffest dude here. If it’s a shark you can just punch it in the face and I’ll use seashells as throwing stars,’’ Jimmy said, nudging him in the side.

With a bit more persuasion the two of them went back to the water, scouting out the area that I’d dubbed the scene of my attack. Zack went over to help them look while Dawn and I sat back and watched. I was still recovering from the recent incident and I needed a moment to breathe.

‘’I haven’t seen you that scared in awhile,’’ Dawn commented offhandedly.

‘’I try not to make a habit of it, fear is a loathsome emotion,’’ I replied, drawing circles in the sand.

‘’It is a pretty shitty thing to feel, but at the same time it shows that you’re not the invincible person you want everyone to believe you are,’’ she said, tucking her hair behind her ear and leaning back on her hands.

‘’I never said I was invincible,’’ I mumbled grumpily, ‘’I just try not to show weakness. That was a moment of weakness.’’

‘’It was a natural reaction, you don’t need to try and act like a tough cookie in front of me. I know better than most,’’ she smiled. I grimaced in return, not really wanting to say anything back. Dawn was right.

The frisbee that Johnny and Brian were playing with landed next to me, ruining the design I’d been drawing. Picking up the frisbee, I stood up and chucked it out into the water as far as I could.

‘’Hey, we were playing with that!’’ Brian protested.

‘’Yeah, well it smelled of piss so I’m not entirely sure why you were using it,’’ I answered. Their noses scrunched up in disgust.

‘’Game over?’’ Johnny asked.

‘’Oh yeah,’’ Brian quipped.

A few minutes later I watched as Jimmy picked something up out of the water. It was dark and sort of disk shaped.

‘’Hey, I think they found our frisbee,’’ Brian said, squinting to see what it was.

‘’I think we found the culprit!’’ Matt called out.

‘’What the hell is that?!’’ I yelled back in response, getting up and going to see what they were holding.

‘’It’s only a horseshoe crab,’’ Jimmy said, holding it out to me. It was about a foot long with barnacles stuck to its shell and a long pointy tail. ‘’He’s completely harmless.’’

I pet its shell, watching as his little legs moved around from underneath. ‘’I used to see these guys whenever my family would take beach trips to Long Island. They’re pretty cool.’’

Jimmy watched as I apologized to the horseshoe crab for scaring it before. ‘’I took the liberty of naming him,’’ he said offhandedly.

‘’Oh? What did you name him?’’ I asked.

‘’Bill.’’

‘’Bill? Why’d you name him Bill?’’ I laughed.

‘’Because he looks like a Bill,’’ Jimmy said as though the answer were completely obvious.

‘’I’m pretty sure he just looks like a horseshoe crab. Put him back in the water, we’ve scared him enough.’’ Jimmy placed Bill in the water and we all watched as he made his way back to the ocean, disappearing a few feet ahead of us.

‘’Goodbye Bill, Mommy will miss you,’’ Jimmy said, sniffling and waving.

Zacky smacked him on the arm. ‘’Pull yourself together man, you held it for like five minutes.’’

Jimmy nodded solemnly before turning around and heading up the beach, the two guys in tow. I followed, putting my clothes back on along with my sweatshirt before going back to the water, walking along the shoreline. I sunk my toes into the wet sand, the breeze blowing my wind-whipped hair all around my face. My mind began to wander without me even realizing it and I started thinking about so many things at once. I remembered going to Dawn’s ninth birthday party and breaking my arm when I was dared to jump off the top bunk of her bunk bed. I remembered punching Peter Duncan in the nose in sixth grade because he said I was fat. I remembered kissing that same boy a few years later during my freshman year of high school. I remembered being sixteen and drunk for the first time; I’d thrown up all over Dawn’s carpet and she tried to tell her mom it was just food poisoning. I remembered graduating high school and Dawn moving to California with her family a few months later, which left me alone, an only child with her best friend a few thousand miles away. Eventually I wasn’t alone; in fact things had their ups and downs but mainly stayed good for a better part of the next few years. And then, the worst day of my entire life happened and broke everything I’d worked so hard to rebuild.

I didn’t realize it but I’d been standing in the same spot for about twenty minutes. My lips were trembling and my eyes stared vacantly out over the ocean. The feeling of an oncoming panic attack began to rise within my chest, my breathing becoming increasingly labored. It felt like a vice was beginning to squeeze my heart and my hand went to my chest as though to stop the pain. The memory was still so vividly planted in my brain that the pictures, sounds, even the smells were crystal clear. I was tormented by the very thought of it and I inwardly cursed at myself for letting my mind wander. A salty river of tears burned the back of my eyes, trying to escape but I refused, biting my lip.

‘’Rosie?’’

I turned around quickly, finding myself not even a foot away from Jimmy’s concerned face. I froze completely and couldn’t tear my eyes away from his. He knew something was wrong; nothing that i could’ve said or done would’ve made him think any differently. The potential panic attack dissipated but I was still trembling and the chill in the air didn’t help any. I tried to open my mouth to say something, anything to make him quit looking at me like I was some kind of wounded animal, but I had nothing to say. A few tears leaked from the corners of my eyes and I tore my eyes away from his, wiping away the cursed things on my sweatshirt sleeve.

It was then that I felt a pair of arms envelope my body, pulling me towards their owner. I buried my face in Jimmy’s bare chest and clung to him like I needed him, letting a few more tears pass. He rested his chin on top of my head, petting my hair in a soothing manner. He didn’t ask questions and that was all I really needed. It was the first time in a long time that I felt like someone other than my parents, other than Dawn, truly cared about me. It was the first time in a long time, even for the split second that it lasted, that I felt unafraid to show emotion. And it was the first time in a long time that it felt okay to be slightly cracked, bruised and broken around the edges.